Tower of Hubris

Buy My Wife's Book.

2012-01-13T13:24:00.000-05:00

My wife Kambri Crews has written an amazing book called Burn Down the Ground about her nutty childhood in the woods of Texas, her deaf family and relationship with her dad who is in jail for attempted murder. (As a point of reference, check out the track "The Murder Tree" from Au Contraire!).

You should pre-order it. Seriously, do it now, so you can feel superior to everyone who will be jumping on the bandwagon after its February 28, 2012 release date.

WARNING: Before reading Burn Down The Ground, tie a piece of rope around your head long-ways. Otherwise, you may be injured by the sheer force of your dropping jaw.

Read a free excerpt on Scribd.com
Click here for a list of online stores pre-selling the memoir.

A few words about Ochi's Lounge, wacky ideas and the people who make other people happen

2010-09-04T21:09:00.003-04:00

For the past four years, my wife (Kambri Crews) has been employed as the PR & Marketing Director at Comix Comedy Club in NYC. Her main responsibilities have included: getting press for the club's headliners, running the social networking outreach, and the overall branding of the club. But as is her way, Kambri tends to get her hands dirty and help with whatever jobs she feels need doing--everything from hosting Oscar parties to helping buss tables on a busy night. At her core Kambri is a producer, so the words "That's not my job" rarely come out of her mouth.

About three years ago, Kambri noticed that the downstairs lounge at Comix was going almost completely unused. A slightly awkward little space located next to the restrooms, it didn't serve any practical function. But Kambri tends to see opportunities that people like me miss completely. Whenever she tells me one of her kooky ideas, my reaction usually goes from "What are you, crazy? That'll never work" to "Yeah, I guess I could see how that might work" to "Of course that works--how could anyone think otherwise?" So when Kambri told me she wanted to turn the weird little bathroom nook in the Comix basement into a full-time performance space...well, I thought the idea was problematic at best. The space couldn't seat more than 30 or so people comfortably and there was nothing resembling a "stage". And there wasn't exactly a tidal wave of support coming from ownership (which is entirely defensible, by the way). But Kambri soldiered on, physically hanging a curtain against the back wall and painting a tiny 6" platform that would serve as the "stage". She called it "Ochi's Lounge" after the club's affable men's room attendant, the space's only consistent audience member in those early days. And she welcomed show producers of all shape and stripe, often giving opportunities to inexperienced young comics who had never before attempted to "run a room". The programming ran the gamut, from straight standup to storytelling to Twitter-based shows. We're talking 10-15 different shows a week.

Now self-produced comedy shows have always and WILL always happen around New York. But never in my 13 years as a comedian have I seen this much goofy experimentation going on within the walls of a bonafide Comedy Club. As a PR & Marketing director, Kambri had always tried to brand Comix as the most comedian-friendly of the major NYC clubs and Ochi's was the purest manifestation of that. The idea was that, if you make a comedians feel valued and encouraged when they're "nobody", they will remember that if and when they become a "big f'ing deal".

And it wasn't just bright-eyed young neophytes. Ochi's was a workshop in the truest sense of the word and drew major headliners and TV personalities wanting to try out new stuff. A guy like Jim Gaffigan can walk into any room in the country and be given stage time at the drop of a hat. The fact that he came down to Ochi's (often multiple times within the same week) says something.

Now I should be clear: Ochi's was not a beacon of sun and light. I only performed there about a dozen times (mostly because I didn't want my status as Kambri's husband to make producers feel pressured to give me stage time), but I've stood in the back of the room and watched probably 100 shows. Some were utter trainwrecks--inexperienced comedians, nonexistent audiences, bartenders who weren't able to make money, etc. And when the room was packed to the gills it was almost worse, as audience members from the main showroom (people who had paid a great deal of money) were forced to push through a sardine can full of smelly comedy nerds just so they could take a leak. That's why I don't begrudge the Comix ownership its ambivalence toward the whole enterprise.

But one thing is indisputable: Ochi's Lounge now exists in the formative memories of a whole generation of New York City comedians. You will turn on Letterman and see comedians tell jokes that were spoken for the very first time on that stupid little mini-stage in the basement. In fact, I'm sure that's already happened. One of Ochi's many producers will one day have his or her own major television show--that's not a prediction, it's an inevitability. And for years to come, comedians will gather at bars or in TV writer's rooms or on movie sets and laugh hysterically about "that one time at Ochi's".

I know this because that's what my friends and I do about the places that were seminal in OUR development. I have been doing comedy for over thirteen years now and in that time I've experienced a good bit of success--not as much as I might have hoped but at the same time more than I could have ever dreamed. But just as precious to me, I have memories. Great memories of the guy who used to fall asleep in the front row EVERY WEEK at the "Blue at Indigo" show on the Upper West Side and the fiftysomething rock groupie who would flash her tits while you were onstage at "Felber's Frolics" at Ye Olde Tripple Inn. And the kind of shit I saw go down at venues like Surf Reality and Collective: Unconscious? I can't even get into it.

I guess the reason I bring this up is to note that this stuff doesn't happen on its own. These shows, these career launching pads, these sacred sites of future drunken anecdotes are made possible by people who work their asses off for little or no financial gain. People who create something awesome just to see something awesome exist. My wife Kambri Crews is one of those people.

In case it's not completely obvious at this point, Ochi's Lounge has come to an end. Comix has a new set of investors and they're going to be changing up lots of stuff, as is the completely justifiable right of anyone taking control of a venue. Kambri is using this changing-of-the-guard as an opportunity to move on to other things, and has officially resigned from Comix. I am excited for her and also hopeful that the changes happening at Comix will keep the club going strong.

But this little note is about Ochi's Lounge, or more specifically, the people who make things like Ochi's Lounge exist. Seeing the outpouring of support Kambri has received over the past couple of days has made me think about the people who filled a similar role in my life. I owe these people a huge debt and it's entirely possible that I've never publicly thanked them. After all, this was all before the days of Facebook (Heaven forfend!).

So I want to take this opportunity to thank the following people:

Robert Pritchard
Jeff Singer
Naomi Steinberg
Faceboy (aka Frank Hall)
Rev. Jen Miller
Susie Felber
Chris DeLuca
Liam McEneaney (Susie, Chris and Liam are as much peers as benefactors, but you get the idea)

Thank you for helping me become a better version of what I might have been. And thanks for the memories.

Long live comedy.

Sincerely,
Christian Finnegan

Residents of Austin, Houston & Dallas

2009-05-28T09:42:00.000-04:00

Where will I be next week? DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS! See what I did there? I took the name of a popular regional tune and worked into a promotional email. Yeah, I'm that good.

Anyhoo, let's get to the point: Next week I'll be doing a three-city swing through your glorious state--I figure this may be my last chance to perform in Texas before Rick Perry forces you guys to secede. So if you live in Austin, Houston or Dallas, please come on out to a show. These shows will be ONE NIGHT ONLY! So put down your BBQ and/or margarita and get yourself a ticket (or nine)!

The relevant dates/details:

Tuesday 06/02/09 - Austin, TX
Alamo Drafthouse Cinema
Time: 8:00pm
Admission: $15.00.
Box office: 512.219.5408.
http://www.drafthouse.com/lakecreek/

Wednesday 06/03/09 - Houston, TX
The Houston Improv
8:00pm.
Admission: $15.00.
Box office: 713.333.8800.
http://www.symfonee.com/Improv/houston/home/index.aspxn

Thursday 06/04/09 - Dallas, TX
Hyena’s Comedy Club
Time: 10:30pm.
Admission: $10/$15
Box office: 214.823.5233.
http://www.hyenascomedynightclub.com/Dallas/hyenas-dallas.html

These shows are all a part of my "Au Contraire!" tour, in support of the life-altering DVD of the same name. It can be found and ogled over here: http://www.christianfinnegan.com/store

And if you would like to see a preview or just peruse other Finnegan-related nonsense, go to christianfinnegan.com!

That's all for now, Texas. Next week, we get silly!

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

WATCH "AU CONTRAIRE!" TONIGHT ON COMEDY CENTRAL!

2009-05-08T03:24:00.003-04:00

My one hour comedy special, "Au Contraire!", debuts on Comedy Central tonight at 11pm est.

Man it feels good to type that. It also makes me feel like I might crap my pants. But mostly, it feels good.

I'm not going to waste a bunch of your time here. Please tune in. It's not just that I think you'll enjoy the special (you will!), it's just that...well...

Look I promised the police I wouldn't talk about this, but Comedy Central has kidnapped my five year old son. It's true. They tell me that unless "Au Contraire!" gets at least a .8 Neilson rating, I will never see little Timothy again. Those people are heartless bastards and they mean business! I see no other option but to play ball, so I'm asking...nay, BEGGING you to tune into Comedy Central tonight at 11pm EST. Barring that, you can set your DVR recording devices. Please, people--Timothy doesn't have his inhaler. HOW LONG CAN HE POSSIBLY SURVIVE????

If for some reason you care nothing about my dear son's life, you can still pre-order the full "Au Contraire!" DVD on Amazon. It comes out this Tuesday, May 12th. It's 33% longer than what will air on Comedy Central tonight and it includes all sorts of kooky extras. Go here: http://tinyurl.com/prw7lg

Or, if you don't want to have to look at my stupid Irish head, the album version is currently available for download on iTunes.

What else is there to say?

Oh, I know: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

BEHOLD, THE "AU CONTRAIRE!" TRAILER

2009-04-07T15:40:00.003-04:00

BEHOLD, THE "AU CONTRAIRE!" TRAILER

Eteemed readers,

For the past few months you've heard me prattle on about my "upcoming comedy DVD", at times wondering perhaps if this was all some elaborate ruse--one of those "I have a girlfriend, but she lives in Canada" scenarios. Well nay-sayers, time to SUCK IT!!!

I'm sorry, you don't have to suck it. Or go ahead--the choice is yours. The point is, it's not up to me to tell you how you should spend your free time. I'm alrready off-topic, aren't I? Come on, Finnegan--FOCUS!

(ahem...)

The kind people at Warner Brothers have cut together this super-dazzling teaser clip from my upcoming stand-up comedy extravaganza, "Au Contraire!". I think you'll agree that it's put together very well and that the vest I'm wearing is undeniably snazzy.

I'm trying to get the word out as much as humanly possible, so you should feel free to re-post this on your page, send it to your friends or whatever. And when I say "you should feel free", I'm actually saying "Would you please please please do this?"

Once done viewing this trailer, you'll probably say to yourself, "DEAR GOD. I FEEL AS I'VE BEEN GIVEN A BRIEF GLIMPSE OF COMEDY HEAVEN AND THEN BORN ANEW! I MUST PURCHASE "AU CONTRAIRE!" AS SOON AS IT HITS STORES ON MAY 12th--IN FACT, I'LL BUY FIVE COPIES, IN CASE THE FIRST FOUR ARE FOR SOME REASON DEFECTIVE. BUT WHAT IF, ON THE WAY TO MY LOCAL DVD EMPORIUM, I FIND MYSELF TRAPPED UNDER A BOULDER ? SWEET JESUS! WHAT IF, BY THE TIME I AM RESCUED AND BROUGHT TO SAFETY, EVERY SINGLE COPY OF CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN'S LIFE-ALTERING COMEDY DVD HAS BEEN SOLD? WHAT WILL I WATCH DURING MY TWO-YEAR CONVALESCENCE? WILL I EVER KNOW PEACE??? IT'S TOO TRAGIC TO CONSIDER. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF NOW IN ORDER TO SPARE MYSELF THE DEVASTATION!!"

Whoa, calm down. Step back off the ledge, sir or madam. Thanks to the wonders of internet technology, you can pre-order a copy of "Au Contraire!" on Amazon.com. Right now! This very moment!

I want to thank you for continuing to give a poop about all of my goings-on. The next month is going to be full of fun and exciting stuff coming out of Finneganland, including:

* The unveiling of my spiffy new website
* The announcement of the "Au Contraire!" tour dates
* The release of some goofy short films
* The possible explosion of my head

So...stay tuned!

Fondest regards, internetlies.
Christian Finnegan
American Style Stand-Up Comedian

AU CONTRAIRE: The Cover Art

2009-03-26T20:02:00.003-04:00

So this is kind of a kick-ass moment for me. After lots of diligent work and consternation on the part of various people, the final cover art for my upcoming DVD is finally post-able. I think you will agree, it's pretty f'in sweet:

I can't tell you how happy I am with this. Now if only my jokes lived up to its promise! A few thing I definitely need to mention:

* The amazing illustration was done by Stephen Gardner, better known as "Cheeky" to his friends. Stephen has been Herculean in his ability to not tell me to go fuck myself through this process.

* The logo and all of the graphic design was done by Matt Taylor at Varnish Studios. Wait until you see the stuff he came up with for the rest of the CD/DVD packaging!

* A reminder: "Au Contraire!" debuts on Comedy Central on Saturday, May 8th. The DVD and CD hit stores on May 12th.

* If you feel so inclined, PLEASE feel free to post the cover art on your page, email it to your friends and/or have it tattooed right above your buttcrack. The word, she needs to get out!

2009-03-09T19:21:00.006-04:00

YOU, ME & NYC: Live at Comix, March 13 & 14?

Hello again, Webingtons.

I'm going to be blunt: On Friday, March 13th and Saturday, March 14th, I will be headlining the lovely comedy nightclub Comix. If you live in or around NYC, I really really really really want to your pretty/handsome face.

I don't often get to do full headlining sets in my hometown for my friends and peers, so I'm really looking forward to next weekend. These totally wicked awesome shows will feature buttloads of new material guaranteed to amuse, engage and slightly disturb you.

You're going to make me beg, are you?

(sigh)

Fine.

PLEASE PLEASE DEAR GOD PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING I WILL BE YOUR BESTEST BUDDY FOREVER I'LL MOW YOUR LAWN I'LL RE-FINANCE YOUR MORTGAGE I'LL SACRIFICE A GOAT IN YOUR HONOR TO THE COSMIC DEMON-GOD (ED ASNER) I'LL LET YOU MIX A BUNCH OF FOODS TOGETHER THAT SHOULDN'T GO TOGETHER AND THEN EAT IT!!!

Ugh. I feel so dirty.

Anyway, here are the details:

Christian Finnegan
Live at Comix
March 13th & 14th
8:00pm & 10:30pm
(212) 524-2500

You will be there. Yes, you will. You wouldn't let my groveling be for naught, would you?

Yours in HTML,
Christian Finnegan

2009-03-08T23:32:00.000-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Facebook Fan Page

2009-02-20T20:38:00.003-05:00

Are you a Facebook user? If so, might you consider becoming a fan of Christian's? It's a daily obsession for us.

Here's the link.

~Kambri

2009-01-29T13:05:00.002-05:00

QUERY: ARE YOU AN AVID HIGH-FIVER? AND A DUDE?

Hello, e-persons.

As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago I posed a question, namely:

"WANT TO BE IN MY UPCOMING COMEDY DVD?"

Well, I'm back, looking for one more person to participate in this sure-to-be-snazzy little project.

To recap, I recently taped a one-hour comedy special to be aired on Comedy Central and sold in real stores for actual cash money. On Sunday February 8th I'll be shooting a few DVD extras that will also function as web advertisements for said DVD and I'm looking for some help from you, the mighty Internet Friendbase.

Think you might like to participate? Ask yourself the following questions:

* Am I a dude?
* Have I been known to deliver an occasional high-five at sporting events, happy hours or other social gatherings?
* Am I a 'guy's guy'? (In other words, am I not like Christian Finnegan)?
* Do I live in or around NYC?
* Am I free the afternoon of Sunday, February 8th?

If you answered 'YES' to all of these questions, I'd love to hear from you ASAP! Basically, I'm just looking for a regular guy who can deliver a functional high-five without looking like a massive pussy. Is that you?

If you think you'd be up for this, please get in touch with me as soon as possible. I can be reached here on Facebook or at cf@christianfinnegan.com. A few more relevant details:

* This will be shot in midtown Manhattan, the afternoon of Sunday 2/8
* This will require no preparation from you
* This will take about an hour of your time (90 minutes tops!)
* Your name will be listed in the credits and thanked in the DVD liner notes
* You will not be made to look like an ass

So what say you? Again, I can be reached at cf@christianfinnegan.com.

Let a brutha know.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

2009-01-27T20:17:00.002-05:00

WHY SHOULD FACEBOOK HAVE A MONOPOLY ON ME-RELATED TRIVIA?

So here's the deal:

Earlier today I got tagged in my friend Liam's Facebook note, "25 THINGS YOU DON"T KNOW ABOUT ME". It appears to be one of those viral Facebook threads that usually makes me flip off my computer screen. Here are the 'rules', such as they are:

"Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you."

Like I said, usually stuff like this makes me want to stab the sender in the face. But this 'thread' is open-ended enough to not be a total waste of time; I enjoyed Liam's note and I've stumbled upon a few other peoples' versions and enjoyed them as well. I've been remiss in posting anything other than promotional pleas lately, so I've decided to be a 13 year old girl and participate in this modern-day chain letter.

As you probably guessed, this started as a Facebook note, but I'm posting it here as well, seeing as I wasted so much damned time on it.

Now, without further ado:

25 THINGS ABOUT ME (AS IF ANYONE COULD GIVE A CRAP)

1. My full name is Fletcher Christian Finnegan. History buffs among you might assume that I was named after the infamous mutineer Fletcher Christian. Sadly, this is not the case. This simple truth is that my parents conspired to ruin my childhood.

2. My left armpit is considerably less hairy than my right.

3. In 8th and 9th grade I was briefly the lead singer of a hair metal band called "Fallout". Despite my extensive musical theater and chorus class experience, I was ill-equipped for my role as frontman / sex god. No one wants to watch a doughy, zit-faced dweeb bellow Tesla's "Modern Day Cowboy" (lowered a full octave).

4. A big 'date night' for my wife and I? Dinner at one of the four restaurants in our neighborhood and than an hour or two of Megatouch.

5. I never drank or took an illicit substance until a few weeks before my 21st birthday. Somehow I made it through high school (two years of which were at a rather drug-happy boarding school) and two years of college in NYC (including a summer working at a pub, fer chrissake) without falling prey to any 'negative influences'. These days? Not so much.

6. Despite my clean living, a long bout of teenage insomnia inspired my aging hippie 10th grade English teacher to pull me out into the hallway and demand I admit to being a hardcore drug user.

7. I lost my virginity on the floor of my dad's condominium with Steve Martin's "The Lonely Guy" on pause. (And no, my father was not in the room.)

8. I am both a middle and an only child. My younger brother Bobby passed away on July 13, 2001 and my older brother John passed away on March 17, 2008 (Hey, these shouldn't all be wacky, should they?)

9. When I was 19, Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" completely changed the way I thought about the world. I later realized that people whose lives were changed by "The Fountainhead" are, without exception, huge fucking assholes.

10. If health was not a concern, I could eat KFC for the rest of my life.

11. The biggest regret of my childhood is not taking my guitar lessons seriously and then quitting once my teacher moved away. I mean, I'm sure there are things I regret more, but nothing that crosses my mind so consistently.

12. I once stood and watched Elvis Costello walk about 500 yards down Broadway, wondering if I should chase after him yelling, "Hey, Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus!", so he'd know I was a real fan.

13. The last two movies that made me choke up were both animated (Ratatouille and Wall-E)

14. II was once busted for shoplifting two cassettes from Lechmere's department store. I was horribly embarrassed, as I considered myself a 'good kid'. I was even more embarrassed that one of the cassettes was an album by Jon Butcher.

15. In 9th grade I played the Cowardly Lion in my 99.99% white public high school's production of "The Wiz". It was none too funky.

16. When I used to temp, I took a twenty minute nap every day in one of the bathroom stalls. If you're ever interested, I can show you the perfect makeshift toilet pillow.

17. My father once briefly dated a woman he later found out to be a transsexual. A transsexual who, as a man, had been one of my father's business acquaintances. He swears they were never intimate. I have chosen to believe him.

18. In my upcoming comedy DVD (airing on Comedy Central, mostly likely in May, and then in stores a week or two later) I'm wearing a vest purchased in the store where Tom Waits gets all of his hats.

19. I think I'm drawing a technological line in the sand at Twitter. No. Can. Fucking. Do.

20. I used to hang out at a place in NYC called Fez, because my friend was the hostess and could get me in for free. One night I was enjoying a rather great folk singer named Sharon Worrell and she brought a 'friend' up to play a guest set. The ten of us in the audience were then treated to a 30 minute Jeff Buckley solo set. The highlight was an amazing song I later learned was "What Will You Say?" when it was released on the posthumous "Mystery White Boy" album. You should check it out, by the way, as it's possibly the best live vocal performance in recent rock history.

21. I once won a car on a gameshow.

22. My wife and I got married in a former mayonnaise factory by a friend who got ordained on the internet. Our 'processional' theme was "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears and the caterer was Brother Jimmy's BBQ.

23. Before I started doing comedy I was an assistant literary agent. One of my friends and co-workers was the supernaturally talented and good-natured John Hodgman. He's told me he thought I was mentally ill for leaving the security of the publishing industry for something as unreliable as comedy. I believe he now owns a castle and a fleet of Bentleys.

24. I recently purchased two items from Andre 3000's "Benjamin Bixby" clothing line. No, seriously.

25. I've spent a substantial time coming up with a playlist to be played at my funeral. Highlights include "Dead Man's Will" by Calexico & Iron and Wine, "Wind Through the Trees" by Ed Harcourt and "Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)" by Sly and the Family Stone.

2009-01-18T22:32:00.003-05:00

HEY ATLANTA, WE ARE ONE! (January 22-25)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009: Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States of America.

Thursday, January 22 through Sunday, January 25, 2009: Christian Finnegan performs at The Punchline Comedy Club in Atlanta, GA.

What an amazing week for our nation!

Dearest weblings,

Please come out to The Punchline in Sandy Springs this coming weekend for an evening of morally questionable laughter. I will make you giggle uncontrollably, even if I'm forced to pump ether into the showroom. You will leave the show with aching sides, but that's mostly because I've hired someone to stand at the exit and punch you. Amazing what people are willing to do for money in this economy.

Some come on out, winners! Here are the specifics:

The Atlanta Punchline
Thursday 1/22 through Sunday 1/25
280 Hilderbrand Drive
Atlanta, Georgia 30328
(404)252-LAFF(5233)

As always, thanks for giving a poop.

Christian Finnegan
American Stand Up Comedian

2009-01-13T11:57:00.001-05:00

HELPPORTUNITY: ARE YOU A FORMER POLE VAULTER OR SEX SHOP EMPLOYEE?

WANT TO BE IN MY UPCOMING COMEDY DVD?

NO?

WELL, WILL YOU ANYWAY??

Hello, Facebooklings.

As you may remember from my barrage of promotional emails, I recently taped a one-hour comedy special to be aired on Comedy Central and sold in real stores for actual cash money. Fun and exciting stuff to be sure.

Anyway, I'm going to be shooting a few DVD extras that will also function as web advertisements and I'm looking for some help from...YOU.

(Nice use of ellipses there, no? I think it really made the "you" thing feel more dramatic.)

I'm looking to conduct short on-camera interviews with two people:

* A former pole vaulter. Were you on your school's track and field team? Were you an Olympic hopeful? Were you just some weirdo who ran town around with a bendy fourteen foot stick? Any degree of pole vaulting experience is fine.

* A former or current sex shop worker. Have you ever worked in a store that sold "marital aids"? You know, fake wieners and whatnot?

If you are such a person, or if you know anyone who is, please please please get in touch with me. I can be reached at cf@christianfinnegan.com. A few more relevant details:

* This will be shot in NYC, most likely in February (so you'd need to be reasonably nearby)
* This will require no preparation from you
* This will take about an hour of your time
* Your name will be listed in the credits and thanked in the DVD liner notes
* You will not be made to look like an ass

So what say you? Again, I can be reached at cf@christianfinnegan.com.

Thanks. Look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

NO, IM NOT HIGH

2009-01-11T16:42:00.004-05:00

Why is 'hanky' the only kind of 'panky' you ever hear about? No one ever tells his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that what you witnessed between me and that cocktail waitress was completely appropriate panky. Nothing hanky whatsoever." Or do I have the phraseology wrong here? Is 'hanky' an adjective describing the sort of 'panky' you're engaged in, or does 'panky' describe someone one does with his or her 'hanky'? Which word is the modifier here?

2009-01-07T21:41:00.002-05:00

ON VILLAINY AND WARDROBE

I wish all the assholes we encountered in our day to day lives wore costumes like comic book super-villains. It would make them so much easier to pick out from a distance. Because I'm introduced to and forced to socialize with new assholes every day (part of being a traveling performer) and it would save me so much time to know someone's douchebag status before engaging you in conversation. But for the most part, terrible people blend in with the rest of us and don't reveal their shitty personalities until you're cornered.

Say you're having a post show drink with the comedy club staff in a not-so-metropolitan area of the country. You know, just a completely random scenario. After 20 minutes of seemingly light conversation, one of the bartenders refers to the 'dyke cunt' who's hassling him for child support. Or he gets drunk and decides to give you his nuanced take on Islamic culture. At that moment, it suddenly dawns on you, "Oh no. You're evil, aren't you? Wow, I had no idea. To think, I could so easily have avoided you. Now I'm going to have to pretend to need to use the restroom and then quietly ask the club manager for a ride back to my hotel."

In the utopian world of Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, however, bad guys generally give you a visual heads-up. They go about their business wearing masks with black capes, maybe a glowing amulet of some sort. An ensemble that shouts, unequivocally: "I AM AN ASSHOLE. NO SERIOUSLY, KEEP WALKING. I'M WEARING STUDDED FOREARM GUARDS AND AN IRON FACEPLATE--YOU THINK I DON'T MEAN ILL WILL? THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED BY ENGAGING ME ON ANY LEVEL." What a public service!

I just wish there was some modern-day equivalent. I guess the closest thing we have is Ed Hardy t-shirts.

p.s. Seriously, wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and enjoying an energy drink?

2009-01-04T22:20:00.005-05:00

I SHOULD BE A LIFE COACH

So it's early January, which is traditionally a time of earnest optimism. You're going to lose those forty pounds! You're going to get that promotion! You're going to finish that screenplay about the life of Ed Asner! Well pardon me for introducing a grey lining to the world's New Year's cloud of silver, but I'd like to offer up a few sober words in defense of...quitting.

It's a universally accepted truism that, no matter how many times you get knocked down, you have to keep getting back up. Most of the Great American Success Stories have been fueled by this idea. But you know what else this idea helps sustain? The Great American Self-Delusion Story. You know what happens when you're repeatedly knocked down and insist on getting back up? You end up looking like Mickey Rourke*.

Maybe there are times when one should say, "Hey, I've been knocked down a few times. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not the world's greatest fighter and I kind of like my nose the where it is now. I think I'll just stay on the mat for a bit. And while I'm down here, maybe I'll fill out a few grad school applications."

I don't mean to depress anyone. I just think there's some value in taking inventory of what you're doing and why you're doing it. There's something righteous about occasionally looking around you and saying, "You know what? Fuck this." Imagine you're a buffalo, peacefully grazing on the plain. All the sudden a stampede breaks out. The buffalo next to you breaks into a mad dash and you think, "Oh, I guess we're running now." You didn't really make a conscious decision to start running--it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do at the time. So now you're charging across the plain as fast as your legs can carry you and you have absolutely no idea why. And you're tearing up the earth and you just watched your uncle get trampled (it's okay, he was kind of a dick) and you ask, "So, um, what is the point exactly?" and all the other buffalo reply, "Just keep running, queer."

But eventually you get to a point where you've had enough. You've got a bitch of a leg cramp (you're supposed to wait thirty minutes after mealtime before you go stampeding) and you say, "Alright, this is just silliness. We're not running anywhere in particular. Nothing is chasing us. Fuck it. I quit." So you pull over to the side and stop running. A hundred and fifty buffalo storm past you, aghast. "Well I never! Doesn't that lazy fool know we're in the middle of a stampede?" But eventually one or two of them say, "Hmmm, that dude's got the right idea." So they pull off to hang with you. And then a few more. And a few more. Finally, everyone's at a standstill. They're chilling, sipping from a pristine lake, happily mounting each other--just generally living it up, buffalo style. All thanks to you, the quitter.

I have no intention of ever abandoning stand up comedy. I love the process of crafting new material and performing it live, there are people who believe I'm reasonably good at it and...frankly, I have no other marketable skills. But a least once a year I will ask myself, "Do I suck? Am I still enjoying this life I've chosen, or am I just hangingon like a barnacle because I'm afraid of admitting failure? Should I...quit?"

Enjoy your Monday!

* I know it's kind of not cool to piss on Mickey Rourke in the middle of his career renaissance and I certainly wish him well (Angelheart is one of my favorite movies of all time), but there can be no debate that that dude's desire to be a mediocre boxer fucked up his face something fierce. And yeah, the multiple plastic surgeries didn't help...

2009-01-02T16:32:00.004-05:00

WHEREFORE ART THOU, MILDRED?

A lot of my friends have kids and it seems very 'au courant' to give your child a name that makes him sound like he was born in the 1920's, like Max or Lucy. I have two separate friends who named their kid Jackson, for example. That's all well and good I suppose, but if you're going to name your child Jackson or Bartholomew, you should have to buy him a little baby top hat and a little baby monocle. Actually that would be kind of excellent, seeing a dapper baby waving cheerfully from inside his stroller, a la FDR.

It should be noted, however, that not all old-timey names have experienced a revival. Some baby names get abandoned, banished to the netherworld, never again to be uttered within maternity ward walls. Like 'Mildred'.

That was once a common and respectable girl's name and then KA-POOF! How does that happen, that a name just suddenly vanishes? Is it just because it's not 'pretty' sounding? What is it about 'Mildred' (or Myron or Bertha) that just denies any sense of romance or sexuality? It can't always have been that way, could it? At some juncture in history, there must have been a supremely do-able woman named Mildred*. At some point, probably back in the 1890's, some guy in the those of passion must have moaned, "Ohhhh Mildred, that feels so good." And Mildred responded lustily, "I am gonna suck your cock...Myron."

The next day, while gossiping with pals over a fresh sasparilla, Myron probably said, "Dude, I'm telling you...Mildred. That girl knows things!"

And a friend says, "Well, how hot is this Mildred chick? Are we talking 'Bertha' hot?"

"Whoa, let's not get crazy here! I mean, Mildred's got a great ass and stuff...but nobody is Bertha hot."

So what happened? Was there some sort of tidal shift in opinion that occurred over time, or was there one particular woman so heinous, so physically repugnant that she ruined the name Bertha for all time? That's a degree of ugly beyond simple human comprehension. I went to junior high school with a girl named Heather Abrahams**, who was...how should I put this? Heather was a beast. Just a truly unfortunate looking person. The kind of girl that if you said walked into the room and said, "Hey, I heard you're going out with Heather Abrahams," we'd all burst out laughing. I wouldn't even be offended because it would be supremely obvious that there was no conceivable reason this would be true and that you had just made a hilarious joke. But in no way did Heather Abrahams' catastrophic acne or excessive back-fat interfere with me spending the better part of 7th grade, laying on my bed and masturbating to a poster of Heather Thomas** from TV's "The Fall Guy". That level of unattractiveness, while potent, was non-transferable.

So dear god, who was this poor Bertha woman? Apparently she was hideous enough to take the name 'Roberta' down with her, simply by being in the same ballpark. That's impressive.

* Yeah yeah, I know there was an old movie actress named Mildred Pierce. I owned that Sonic Youth album too, you pretentious fuck.

** The names of both the unfortunate looking girl and the marginal Eighties TV babe have been changed. This is 2009, after all, and that's not the kind of thing I'd want to come up in a self-google.

______________

NOTE: So after a couple year of relative blog silence I'm going to start posting things again, for reasons partially beyond my comprehension. Feel free to read them. Or don't. But keep the bar low--anything that find its way to the stand up stage will eventually be funnier, I promise.

2008-12-31T12:07:00.000-05:00

Here's Part Two (of two) of my self-important rant on the year in music. A reminder: all of these songs have been compiled on an iTunes 'iMix', entitled "FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008. Check it out, if you want to hear clips of any of these little ditties.

NOTE: Scroll Down for Part One, to see numbers 27 through 15.
14. AL GREEN, "Wanna Say" – I promise I'm not just throwing this one on here in an attempt to break up the unending stream of white people. The term "return to form" is way overused by lazy music critics, but here it really applies. He seems to have recaptured not only the sound but also the intimacy of his classic Seventies albums.

13. SON LUX, "Raise" – This album is relatively new to me, having learned about it on NPR's "All Songs Considered" year end wrap-up (yeah, I know). But wow, is it something special. Each song managed to be simultaneously beautiful and bleak as all living hell. Still, I probably won't listen to it constantly. It's kind of like the film "Children of Men"—sometimes you just don't have the energy, you know?

12. THE CURE. "This. Here and Now. With You." – At this point, The Cure probably isn't going to pick up any new fans. If you haven't liked them in the past, you won't like this. But there are songs on "4:13 Dream" that stand up with the best stuff they've ever recorded. And this is the Cure in 'giddy' mode, which I always love. If you used to be a fan and gave up on them years ago, this is worth checking out.

11. NADA SURF, "I Like What You Say" – This a nearly perfect pop song by a band that specializes in nearly perfect pop songs. I've been a huge fan for years and they just keep on churning out great albums. The word I'd use for Nada Surf is "tasteful", which sounds like an insult but it's not. I'm never not in the mood to hear this song.

10. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, "No Sunlight" – Like Nada Surf, Death Cab writes mature power pop songs for adults. A lot of Ben Gibbard's lyrics resonate with me in ways I'm not entirely comfortable with—not this song, specifically, but in general. They definitely have a style that they stick to, but it's great to buy an album knowing that it's going to be check-full of fantastic songs with smart lyrics, expertly performed and produced.

9. BON IVER, "Skinny Love" – Another 'critic's darling' that totally lives up to the hype. After a few listens, at least. It took me a while to adapt to the main dude's near-constant falsetto, but now I find it eerie and beautiful. The songs on "For Emma, Forever Ago" are ultra-simple, but become more evocative with each listen. This is one of those lay-in-the-dark-while-wearing-noise-canceling-headphones albums. As such, it doesn't quite attain Iron & Wine status, but it's still pretty amazing stuff.

8. M83, "Kim & Jessie" – Lots of bands these days use the early 8'0s as a musical jumping-off point. But for the most part, they're working with a very specific strain of Eighties Pop—angular, up-tempo New Wave, a la The Jam. This song is different. It harkens back to the blissed-out Casio queerfests of Thompson Twins and Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark*. It's music to make you want to sit Indian-style on a glass dinner table, making out with Samantha Baker (or Jake Ryan, depending on who you'd prefer to be in that scenario).

* Typing out these words, I felt a wave of revulsion at how ridiculous a band name this is. When I was a kid I assumed it was just some abstract combination of words, like "The Electronic Walrus Party" or something. I now see it as the foppiest, most pretentious, most PLEASE-GIVE-ME-A-WEDGIE five words ever composed in English. Egads!

7. GOLDFRAPP, "A&E"—This song's actually from the same neck of the woods as the M83 song, in that it's lush, keyboard-heavy stuff. But it's even more airy-fairy. The whole album feels like it was recorded inside the movie 'Legend', if that an be construed as a good thing. I give them credit for taking things in a different direction after having garnered a huge following over the last couple of albums, doing a techno burlesque kind of thing. Here's the litmus test: Where do you stand on Kate Bush? If you're 'pro', you'll probably love this song.

6. TV ON THE RADIO, "Halfway Home"—A real step forward for a band that was already great. I don't think there's a band recording today more confident in its musical vision than TV on the Radio, with the possible exception of Radiohead. How in the world would you classify a song like this? How in hell would you go about writing it? It's as if they've created their own genre of music.

5. KINGS OF LEON, "Notion"—Holy fuck do I love this band. When they debuted, I wrote them off as a blues-rock gimmick. But now I'm a true believer--over the past three albums I've listened to KOL as much as any other band in my collection (do people even call it that anymore? Would referring to it as my 'Library' be more or less worthy of scorn?) I feel like they've caught a bit of indie backlash for making a 'bigger' sounding record, which is typical. But I don't think the best bands, the bands that really end up "mattering", shy away fro a smidgen of grandiosity. I don't think there's any fear of this band going all 'Coldplay' on you.

4. MATES OF STATE, "The Re-Arranger"—There was one day where I listened to this song eight times in a single afternoon. It's funny, there are a bunch of the songs I consider to have universal appeal. And yet, my four favorite songs of the year are all ones I could understand any rational human being loathing. This is especially true of "The Re-Arranger". This is peppy shit, so if you can't do 'peppy', best to move on. But if this is up your alley, you should watch the YouTube video of their daughter (Mates of State are a married couple) dancing offstage to this song during an outdoor concert. Pretty life-affirming stuff.

3. THE HOLD STEADY, "Constructive Summer"—I remember seeing "Dazed and Confused" for the first time and thinking about director Richard Linklater, "Man, that guy really gets it." I wasn't talking about all of the period references and goofy bellbottoms; what struck me was how well that movie evoked what it's like to be a teenager in the suburbs. The Hold Steady do the same thing for me, only with a huge dose of restlessness. Singer/writer guy Craig Finn is like Springsteen for kids who grew up going to soccer practice. The line, "We're going to build something this Summer" is, to me, the ultimate expression of suburban hope and desperation.

2. DR. DOG, "The Rabbit, the Bat and the Reindeer" – I love it when a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard before. But I also kind of like it when an artist says, "Fuck it, this is the kind of music we want to make, and we end up sounding like something you might have heard before so be it. (That's how I earnestly defended Lenny Kravitz for his first few albums.) Dr. Dog gets thrown under the 'revivalist' bus, as if they're nothing but a novelty act because they sound like the Beatles, as impersonated by The Soggy Bottom Boys. But people forget that Beatles were only the Beatles because they wrote great songs. This too is a great, great song.

1. MGMT, "Time to Pretend"—On paper, this is the kind of band that I hate: two predictably unkempt Williamburg hipsters making music where you can't tell if they're trying to be sarcastic. But geez, this is kind of extraordinary. It's not my favorite album overall (that would probably go to TV on the Radio or Bon Iver), but as songs go, "Time to Pretend" kicks me in the buttocks. It sounds like being invited to a Smurf orgy. Butt then, one of the Smurfs drops some bad E and ends up doing a nosedive through a fourth floor window.

What? Why did it get so awkward her all the sudden? Is it weird that my favorite song of the year makes me imagine getting a reach-around from a blitzed Handy Smurf? Where are you guys going?! COME BACK!!
__________________

Okay I guess that's all. I'm going to make a sincere attempt to make regular blog posts in 2009 (I refuse to use 'blog' as a verb). But just in case I turn out to be a liar, see you whenever!

Still more regards,
Christian

2008-12-31T11:51:00.003-05:00

FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008 (Part One)

So here's the deal:

I have lots of stuff I should be doing--I have a DVD coming out in a few months for which I still haven't written liner notes or filmed DVD extras, I'm painfully behind schedule in writing new stand up material and the damned dishwasher still needs to be unloaded. So how did I decide to spend the better part of yesterday? Writing an exhaustive rundown of my favorite 27 songs to be released in 2008. Why 27? Because that's as far down as I could trim my list without feeling like I left off something good. Please enjoy.

The ordering of this list is relatively arbitrary, by the way--on another day I may have ordered them differently. Anyway, here are numbers 27 through 15. I'll post the rest at some point tomorrow. Your thoughts are welcome, but feel no pressure in that regard. I'm really just doing this in the hopes that maybe you'll get turned on to a song or two you might not otherwise have heard.

FYI, I've created an "iMix", in case you want to hear samples of any of these songs. Just go to iTunes and do a search for "FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008".

Without further ado:

27. GHOSTLAND OBSERVATORY, "Dancing on my Grave" – I saw this band perform on 'Austin City Limits' and I couldn't decide whether the lead singer's revival-tent-preacher-on-peyote act was inspired or smarmy (a bit of both, maybe). Either way, I found myself thinking about them for days until I eventually broke down and bought the CD. The album is not stellar, but this song is great and I'm betting they'll do good stuff in the future. Plus, it's the best band name I've heard in years.

26. SHAWN SMITH, "Breathe In" – Good stuff from the leader of the late, lamented Satchel. If you're familiar with his stuff, there's nothing terribly new here, but his "thing" is idiosyncratic enough that I never tire of it.

25. MARNI STERN, "Ruler" – I listened to this album quite a bit for a week or so, until my wife demanded that I turn it off. She kind of had a point. This is probably not a sing I'll listen to a whole lot as time goes by. But it's just so gloriously odd that I'm thrilled it exists. Plus, it's cool to hear someone doing guitar fingerboard 'tapping' without trying to sound like Yngwie Malmsteen. It should be noted that this is the most radio-friendly song on the album. No, seriously.

24, DELTA SPIRIT, "Trashcan" – Everything Delta Spirit does feels so gloriously uplifting and unpretentious. They're not trying to be the 'cool kids', they're just bashing out music and singing their asses off. I hear they're a great live band, which I hope to discover in person, if I can shake off my acquired hatred of rock club crowds.

23. MELVINS, "Billy Fish" – Looking over this list, it's surprisingly light on 'heavy' stuff. That's a bit of a surprise, as I'm a sucker for musical sludge. This song makes me want to crush a row of human skulls with a sledgehammer.

22. THE FUTUREHEADS, "Work is Never Done" – This is a band that I have loved since inception, even though the majority of their most recent album ("This is Not the World") runs together a bit. It's kind of like three great songs and then one pretty good song repeated ten times. But if you dig this I highly recommend their self-titled first album.

21. GEMMA HAYES, "Sad Ol Song" – I spent a few minutes trying to describe how this song makes me feel, but then I realized it's pretty much all in the title. A simple, bittersweet tune by a great songwriter with a fantastic voice. Me likey.

20. THE TEENAGERS, "Homecoming" – Okay, this borders on being a 'gimmick' song, but it's pretty sweet. And it actually works as a pop sing, even though the vast majority of the lyrics are spoken. It's not saying anything groundbreaking (yes, American girls will screw any guy with an accent), but it's well done and pretty hilarious.

19. PORTISHEAD, "The Rip" – I had a hard time trying to decide where on the list this one should go. I dig the song itself, but it comes from the most disappointing album of the year, in my opinion. Yes, my standards for Portishead are very high, but man—this is why you shouldn't wait eleven years to put out a record. The majority of "Third" feels labored over to the point of exhaustion. The genius of "Dummy" (and, to a degree, the 2nd album) was that it was equal parts creepy and sexy. There is absolutely nothing sensual or alluring about "Third". If "Dummy" felt like a dirty rendezvous with a mysterious woman, "Third" feels like waiting to get the results of your AIDS test. Still, a great tune.

18. THE FLEET FOXES, "Sun it Rises" – This band is a real 'critic's darling', which made me assume they were overrated. And now that I've listened to the album a bunch of times, I'd say…well, they're a teensy bit overrated. But only a teensy, as the album is pretty great. If you're a sucker for vocal harmonies, you need this album.

17. COPELAND, "Should You Return" - I'll always love this song, even if it eventually ends up in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy" (assuming it hasn't already). There's just something perfectly soundtrack-esque about this song. It seems like the kind of thing you'd wander the city streets to on a rainy day, mourning your lost youth. Or something equally pretentious.

16. JAMIE LIDELL, "Green Light" – How is it that Brits has such a firm grasp of and appreciation for classic American soul music? This whole album ("Jim") is just a fun, breezy pleasure. Great summertime backyard cocktail party music.

15. VAMPIRE WEEKEND, "A Punk" – I understand neither the hype nor the backlash surrounding this band. They put out a good album of hum-able tunes with a sound that, while by no means unique, feels fresh at this particular moment in time. Plus, you have to tip your hat to a group of guys who are confident enough in their sissyhood to make repeated lyrical references to Cape Cod.

That's all for now--check back tomorrow for Part Two!

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

2008-09-30T09:25:00.000-04:00

From Christian Finnegan, comes this note:

Beloved e-Friends,

THE TIME OF RECKONING IS NIGH AT HAND!!

Tickets are now available for the live taping of my very first comedy special, "AU CONTRAIRE!". The two big friggin' shows will take place on October 25th at the Trocadero Theater in glorious Philadelphia, PA.

It will be a glorious night of awkward personal revelations and hypocritical assaults on your character!

I'm going to lay it bare, folks--this will be the most important night of my comedy life and I want as many friendly faces there as possible.
Don't make me bus in a bunch of homeless people!

Some good news: These tapings will be completely free of charge. You hear that, cheapskates? FREE!!! Some more good news: If you attend a taping, there's a very good chance your mug will appear on the tee-vee when Comedy Central airs "Au Contraire!" in early '09. Think you can wait around to reserve your tickets? Au contraire!** Tickets are going to be extremely limited.
SO GET YOURS NOW!

To reserve tickets, complete this online form.
Make sure to fill in the "Promo Code" section with the word "Finny". This will get you priority seating--it's my way of rewarding you, my true inter-pals.
And this way you can avoid rubbing shoulders with the filthy, teeming masses!

You. Me. A bunch of cameras.
What could be more enticing?

I'll see you October 25th, friendlies.

Christian Finnegan,
Ready for his close-up

**See what I did there? I artfully worked the title of the special into the body of the email. Pretty slick, huh? That's what makes me part of the Comedy Elite.

2008-09-16T11:43:00.001-04:00

YOU, ME & NYC: CATCH ME AT GOTHAM COMEDY CLUB THIS WEEKEND!

New York, as the song says, is a helluva town. The sights! The sounds! The occasional confrontation with a group of angry teens on a late night subway platform--this city has it all!

And this weekend, New York City gets even helluva-er, as I'll be headlining lovely Gotham Comedy Club in Chelsea, Thursday 9/18 through Sunday 9/21. What does this mean for you? It means you need to get your toned butt (am I crazy, or have you been working out?) into a seat.

If you've been interested in coming out to see my version of American-style stand-up comedy, this is the weekend to do it. I'll be doing a dry run of the material on my soon-to-be-filmed comedy DVD laughter-ganza. Also, I'll be giving out free hugs after the show.*

So please, get yourself to W. 22nd street this weekend for an evening of awkward personal revelations and hypocritical assaults on your character. You'll giggle, you'll titter, you'll laugh yourself to the point of injury.

For show times and details, go here.

You. Me. New York Cit-ay. Let's get stupid together, people.

Christian Finnegan,
Mr. Funny Guy

* Sorry, no pelvic contact.

2008-09-03T13:27:00.000-04:00

SAVE THE DATE: Live DVD taping in Philly 10/25!

Friends, Supporters and Those who Signed Up for My Mailing List in a Drunken Haze,

Big damn news: On October 25th, 2008 I will be filming my very first one hour stand-up special, to be aired on Comedy Central. This major league Laughter-ganza will take place at the historic Trocadero Theater is downtown Philadelphia, PA. If you live in the Philly area or can get down there on Saturday, October 25th, I want your butt in a seat! Allow my cameras to steal your soul and become a part of history, as I document my semi-fraudulent brand of stand-up comedy for posterity!

The exact details are still be fine-tuned, so this is just a glorified 'save the date' email. So, um...SAVE THE FRIGGIN' DATE! But here are a few things I can tell you:

* We will be taping two shows on the same night, probably something like 7:30pm and 10pm.

* Tickets are going to be wicked cheap (as in 'negligible')

* No matter how recently you've seen me perform, there will be
material you've never heard before

* For information on the venue itself, go to www.thetroc.com We're going to make it bee-yootiful!

Once we finish fine tuning our ticketing system, I'll let you know how you can reserve your spot. Space is going to be pretty damned limited, so start planning ahead. And please, even if you don't think you can make the taping, I'd be honored if you could pass the word along anyone in the Philly area you think might give a poop. As always, people can get on the mailing list by visiting www.christianfinnegan.com.

Thanks, friendlies. You'll be hearing from me.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

2008-08-01T23:14:00.000-04:00

Christian was live from the Disney World studios but they made no mention of it.

Dan Quayle on 'Dancing'?

--Kambri

2008-06-30T14:43:00.002-04:00

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO OF ME HOSTING A MINI HOT DOG EATING CHAMPIONSHIP

Featuring Andres du Bouchet, Adira Amram & H. Alan Scott. Hosted by me & Sean Crespo. Written and directed by the lovely wife, aka Kambri Crews. Filmed and edited by Carol Hartsell.

2008-06-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

Christian on Chelsea Lately from kambric on Vimeo.

2008-04-29T14:20:00.001-04:00

Tune in to Olbermann Tonight

On MSNBC to see Christian in the last segment talking politics and other awkward subjects.

2008-04-29T08:54:00.002-04:00

E-Friends,

Two thingies:

1) I sent out a newsletter recently. It was chock-full of good stuff--news updates, announcements and embedded clips of me on the tee-vee. Seriously, everybody's been talking about what a kick-ass newsletter it was. If you didn't receive it, that means...and I hate to just come out and say it like this, but...you are not on my mailing list. There, I said it! Oh horror of horrors! It's too terrible to imagine! Luckily, I now offer you a path to redemption. By sending a simple email HERE, you will receive a monthly update on All Things Me.

Pretty sweet, huh? What are you waiting for? Do it now, before your Hot Pockets finish microwaving! No need to get all fancy in your email, but do let me know your nearest metropolitan area(s) so I can send out the Bat Signal when I come through town.

2) To wit, this weekend (5/1 through 5/4) I'll be doing seven big friggin' shows at the Punchline in Atlanta. Great club, great crowds.
Come on out and experience a night of laughter and titillating awkwardness! For details and showtimes, go HERE.

Thanks, computer pals. You may now return to your porn, game of Scrabble or pornographic game of Scrabble.

Fond regards,
Christian Finnegan

2008-04-08T00:33:00.000-04:00

Christian in a Sweater Vest-y Thing

Political punchlines

2008-03-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

Check out this clip of Christian Finnegan and Chuck Nice on “The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch”

http://www.cnbc.com/id/23491873

2008-03-04T11:43:00.006-05:00

Best Week Ever's Christian Finnegan and Chuck Nice will be on The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch tonight - Tuesday, March 4th -- at 10:00 PM EST. Check your local listings folks, because I have no idea if thatss a universal air date / time.

For more info, here's a link to Donny's show: http://www.cnbc.com/id/15838512

2008-02-25T17:54:00.003-05:00

REGARDING OSCAR

So last night I hosted an Oscar party at Comix in NYC. It was a swell time and fun was had by all. The party got some advance press, including a blurb in the NY Post in their big 'What to do on Oscar night' article. The article's writer seems to be under the impression that I "wrote some of Jon Stewart's material for the Oscar presentation", which is miles and miles from being accurate. The truth is I, along with what I suspect to be dozens of other comedy types, were invited to submit some material. I'm certain this was done as a mere insurance policy for Jon Stewart's actual Oscar writing staff, given the short window of time following the end of the writer's strike. So I churned out a bunch of silly jokes, none of which were used in the broadcast. This was neither a shock nor a disappointment--I was always perfectly aware that I was part of a joke-writing safety net and nothing more.

I know it seems weird to bringing this up. But I just wanted to put something out there, in case anyone who wrote any of the very fine jokes that actually made it onto the broadcast came across that NY Post blurb and thought, "Who is this dickbag and why is he taking credit for our work?" Perhaps a Google search will bring offended parties to this humple mea culpa.

You may now go back about your lives.

P.S. I do wish they'd used my Javier-Bardem-has-a-massive-head joke, though. (sigh)

2008-02-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

Christian is Jesus

In the cartoon "Battle Pope" produced by Spike. Check out the first episode here:

2008-02-06T01:54:00.001-05:00

IN FT. LAUDERDALE, IT'S 'SUPER THURSDAY-THROUGH-SUNDAY'!

Denizens of South Florida,

This weekend, from Thursday 2/7 through Sunday 2/10, I will be bringing my wacky hijinks to the Ft. Lauderdale Improv at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in lovely Hollywood, FL. What does this mean for you? Why, it's the opportunity to indulge your crippling gambling addiction under the guise of supporting the 'arts'. Also, two of the three following four factoids about this weekend are true:

* This is my first visit to FTL in over a year.
* I will be performing a buttload of new material. So even if you've seen me before, there will be tons of stuff for you to laugh uproariously and/or scratch your head at.
* At the end of each performance I will sacrifice an audience member to the demon god Cthulhu.

Reservation info and showtimes can be found here. See you there, friendlies!

Yours 'til you don't want me no mo,
Christian

2008-01-19T13:07:00.001-05:00

WANT TO SEE ME GET MY ASS KICKED? TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

Working on Best Week Ever has afforded me a number of rather bizarre faux-celebrity encounters. Among the people I've met and "worked with" over the years are Chris Hanson, Tom Bergeron, Kevin Federline, Martha Stewart, the J. Peterman guy from 'Seinfeld', and Mr. Chocolate Rain himself, Tay Zonday. But perhaps none of these encounters prepared me for this past Monday, when I was asked to do a comedy bit with Wolf, one of the new 'American Gladiators'.

First, enjoy the actual bit in question:

Now, a few things that deserve mention:

* In person, Wolf is exactly like you'd imagine him to be. Friendly as hell, as long as you pretend you're interested in his many tales of ass-kickery and can resist the urge to blurt out "You know dude, you're kinda sorta a tool".

* Wolf wears a lot of awful silver and turqoise jewelry, the kind of stuff you'd see in a Santa Fe display window underneath a sign reading, "Created by Local Artisans". Wolf's skin is a shade that can only be described as "Oompa Loompa Orange" (strangely, he kept complaining about how pale he was) and, despite his name and rather hirsute face and head, 'Wolf' appears to be pretty much hairless from the neck down.

* Most importantly: Yes, I was genuinely getting my ass handed to me. I don't know if it was to maintain his Alpha Male cred, but Wolf seemed wholly incapable of going half-speed. We didn't choreograph anything too specific, but I kind of expected that we'd goof around a bit and 'play-fight'. Um, nope. You can tell from his first hit, which nearly causes me to fall back on my ass. What you see in this clip is only about 1/3 of the footage we shot and in all of it, I'm being knocked around like I'm in a Popeye cartoon. In the climactic shot (inasmuch as a one minute VH1 bit can have a 'climactic shot'), Wolf boffs me in the face with his padded shield thingy. This was probably the only thing we blocked, because it was supposed to set up the fact that I got my teeth knocked out. So Wolf and I spent a few seconds deciding how it would work and at one point I think I even said "But you know, you don't really have to HIT ME hit me..." Well, as you can probably tell, he definitely HIT ME, hit me. Watch closely and you can actually see the silly wrestling helmet thing spin around on my head! I had a ring in my ear for about an hour and even now, five days later, I have bruises on my arms and legs. This is what happens when you work on a non-union show, folks! But honestly I had no problem with any of it because I knew the footage had to be pretty funny. At the end of the day, you've gotta go where the laughs are. That said, I really should look into getting some health insurance.

* I've asked the Best Week Ever people for all of the raw footage of My Date with Wolf. If/when they get it to me, I'll post it.

That is all, people.

2007-12-26T01:17:00.000-05:00

ATTENTION: HOUSTON, FTL, DC & MINNY!!!

Hello, dear e-friends. I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season or, as it should be known, March Madness for alcoholics. This is that wonderful time of year where no one can give you crap for being in constant state of Buzz. You are not a pathetic drunk, you are festive!

But I am not writing simply to call attention to your seasonal liver abuse. I would also like a word with those of you in the following metropolitan areas:

Houston, TX
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Washington, DC
Minneapolis, MN

These are the cities to which I will be bringing the Finnegan laugh brigade in January and February. I am looking for someone super-keen in each of these towns to hang a few posters in exchange for free tickets and a round of beverages. And maybe an awkweard hug after the show (no pelvic contact). What could be easier and more fraught with delight?

If you are interested, please contact Natalia at Ballyhoo Promotions (ns@ballyhoopromotions.net) and she will give you the low-down. Please include your age and a bit of background info. If you have done this sort of thing before, that is a plus but by no means a prerequisite. FYI, we are looking to hang posters on college campuses, at rock clubs, cafes, bookstores, etc. So if you have any good ideas, let us hear them!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Christian Finnegan,
Chestnuts currently roasting

2007-11-13T17:48:00.003-05:00

TIVO ALERT: Christian on MSNBC’s Countdown w Keith Olbermann

My husband and funny man Christian Finnegan will be on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about Paris Hilton and drunken elephants. Airs tonight at 8:00 PM EST on MSNBC but Christian’s segment is on the later portion of the show. Around 8:45 PM ish.

2007-11-13T17:48:00.001-05:00

2007-11-08T01:31:00.001-05:00

CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN (GENTLY) ROCKS SEATTLE ON 11/20!!

Attention, denizens of the Pacific Northwest:

On Tuesday, November 20th at 8pm I will be appearing for ONE NIGHT ONLY at the the lovely Triple Door in downtown Seattle. The Triple Door is a hip groovy rock and roll venue that I will be temporarily robbing of all "indie cred" as debut headliner of 103.7 The Mountain's "5:20 Funny" comedy series. This show promises to be a blast and a bit different from the usual comedy club shows I do. I very rarely perform in the lovely Northwest, so I'd be honored if you'd grace me with your presence.

IMPORTANT: If you live in the Seattle area and would be interested in putting up a couple of posters around town in exchange for free tickets and a post-show beer, email Natalia at ns@ballyhoopromotions.net ASAP to let us know you're interested. Make sure to include your mailing address and phone number, friendy!

That's all for now. I'll probably send out a reminder the week of the show, but I'm really looking forward to this one so I wanted to plant the seed. As always, thanks for your continued support.

Christian Finnegan
The Captain of Your Heart

2007-11-08T01:30:00.001-05:00

TELL YOUR FRIENDS
Time Out New York has called “Tell Your Friends” a DON'T MISS several times and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's show and 'workout comedy room' is sure to please."

November 12th @ 8:00 PM
Michelle Collins (Best Week Ever) hosts:

Christian Finnegan (Best Week Ever)
Brian Baumley (Stand Up NY)
Leo Allen (Premium Blend, Writer for SNL)
Tom Shillue (Comedy Central Presents)
And the house band Brief View of the Hudson

Lolita Bar
266 Broome St. at Allen
New York City, New York
212.966.7223

8:00 PM - $5.00 Cover

2007-10-25T14:35:00.001-04:00

TIVO ALERT: Christian on MSNBC's Countdown w Keith Olberman

My husband and funny man Christian Finnegan will be on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about Maria Osmand and her fainting spell.

Airs Tonight at 8:00 PM EST. on MSNBC

-- Kambri

2007-10-18T18:32:00.001-04:00

Christian was on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about the Ellen DeGeneres dog adoption fiasco. Check it out:

"Dog gate" controversy continues to grow

Kambri!

2007-10-07T14:38:00.001-04:00

Take a Finnegander:

2007-09-16T20:13:00.001-04:00

LIVE WIRE at COMIX TOMORROW NIGHT

My lovely wife Kambri (aka "Robochick") is producing a new show that mixes music and comedy into one showcase. It debuts tomorrow night at Comix and is only $7 with no minimum if you use the code LWVIP. I'll be doing some off the wall silly shit that I never get to do at regular comedy clubs.

Anyway, here's her pitch:

Check out Live Wire -- a show that mixes music and comedy into one jamming good time. The debut features Freestyle Love Supreme Lin-Manuel Miranda (writer, star of "In the Heights"), James Monroe Iglehart ("Spelling Bee") and Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan. Also performing are Stuckey & Murray and Christian Finnegan who ditches his regular stand up act in a solo sketch you won't want to miss.

Comix will present musicians trying out anything old or new, comedians - not known for singing - performing songs and a blend of the two. As the songs states, "Anything goes!"

As part of this special series, the two item minimum will NOT apply. Instead, you pay one cover charge and if you do want food or drinks, simply order at the bar at your leisure. No pressure, just great music and plenty of laughs.

MON, SEP 17th @ 8:00 PM
Pre-show happy hour starts at 5:30
Comix
353 W. 14th Street
comixny.com 212.524.2500
Only $7 with the code LWVIP

2007-09-13T15:44:00.001-04:00

INTERVIEW

The lovely Sara Benincasa interviewed Christian over on Nerve.com about online dating and other random stuff.

Read it here.

--Kambri

2007-09-04T10:37:00.000-04:00

SCREW BATMAN--GOTHAM IS MINE, 9/13-16!

This one's wicked important, so let's get right down to brass tacks:

From Thursday 9/13 through Sunday 9/16 I will be headlining Gotham Comedy Club in the lovely Chelsea district of New York City. If you live in or near NYC, I'd be genuinely honored if you'd consider coming out to a show. "But Finnegan," you're saying, "You perform in New York all the time. Hell, you LIVE there." Well first of all, who the hell do you think you are calling me 'Finnegan'? But more importantly, sure I perform around town a lot but it's always doing short little bits of time in shows I can't (and often won't) vouch for. And half the time, I'm strung out on smack. This time out, I'll be completely clean! And the shows are all me--well not ALL me, but a solid 45-60 minutes of me (you can decide for yourself whether that's an enticement or a warning).

My point is, this will be my very first weekend-long headlining engagement in NYC and I'm really excited about it. Like I said, if you've ever considered coming out to see me perform, these are the shows to check out. And if you've seen me in the past and are worried it's going to be the same stuff you've heard before, know this: about 75% of the material I'll be performing is pretty much brand spankin' new.

Have I laid it out plain enough for you? Don't make me get ugly, folks. For tickets and info and what not, visit http://gothamcomedyclub.com>www.gothamcomedyclub.com.

Thank you for continuing to give a poop.

Christian Finnegan
aka The Dork Knight

2007-08-24T12:29:00.000-04:00

Missing ME on Best Week Ever?

Fret not! Here is a bunch of clips that never made it to air for you to enjoy in the meantime:

BWE Extras: Christian Uncut!

Posted Today

BWE Panelist Christian Finnegan talks about some of his favorite subjects in pop culture. It's the Best of Christian Finnegan!

2007-08-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

Christian Finnegan on Keith Olbermann:

Not "on" him in the literal sense, of course, but on his show. (Ba dump bump.) Check out the video here.

--Kambri

Can we stop talking about Britney soon? Please? PLLLLEEEEAASSEEEE

2007-07-27T09:31:00.001-04:00

Christian Reveals How He Really Lost the Weight

--Kambri

2007-07-13T11:59:00.001-04:00

CHRISTIAN IN "CURRENT MAGAZINE"

Christian is really funny in the "3 Questions With" segment in this month's Current Magazine. I especially liked his answer to the bonus question. Read it here.

--Kambri
Pluto's Plaything. Har.

2007-07-12T21:28:00.001-04:00

Houston Awaits!

Dearest e-friends (Texans and otherwise),

This week I will be appearing at the HOUSTON LAFF STOP from Wednesday 7/11 through Saturday 11/14. Yep, Houston in the middle of July. I must be some sort of masochist. Anyway, the shows are going to be great and you will, of course, want to be there. Why? Because I'll be giving out free iPhones!* That's right, free iPhones!** I'll say it again: FREE GOSHDARN iPHONES!!***

I've always had a great time at the Laff Stop and I hope you'll come on out and support me like the soft, cotton-y emotional jockstrap I know you to be.

In case you have some sort of moral issue with hyperlinks, here are the details:

Christian Finnegan...LIVE AND AWKWARD!
Wednesday 7/11 to Saturday 7/14
The Laff Stop
526 Waugh Drive
Houston, TX 77019
Tickets: www.laffstop.com

BTW, if you're not from Houston but you're reading this because you hate your job/family, be it known that I'll be heading to the following cities in the next three months: Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Grand Rapids, Chicago and Atlanta--keep your eyes peeled 'n stuff.

Humbly,
Christian Finnegan

* While supplies last
** Whoops, my supply just ran out. Sorry!!!!!!!
*** Listen, get off my ass, okay? You want an iPhone? I got your iPhone--right here! RIGHT HERE!!!!

2007-06-20T00:58:00.001-04:00

ATTENTION, AUSTIN-ITES!

Good day, friendlies.Just a quick word let everyone in the Austin, TX area know that I'll be performing at Cap City Comedy this week, from Tuesday 6/19 through Saturday 6/23. Please come out and make me feel valid!

SPECIAL OFFER: If you are the first person to come up to me after the show and sign a few bars from the broadway musical Starlight Express, I will give you a FREE CD! And I'll sign the shit out of it!! That's right, a free signed CD if you're willing to humilate yourself for the amusement of strangers!

Anyway, these shows are going to be a blast and I hope you decide to come out. To buy tickets, go here, you lucky dog.

See you in Texas. I apologize in advance if my hands are covered with BBQ sauce during the show.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

2007-06-14T10:30:00.001-04:00

To watch the clip of me on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" pontificating on the latest in the lives of Paris, Britney and K-Fed, click here.

2007-06-13T18:38:00.000-04:00

TIVO ALERT

I'm going to be on Countdown with Keith Olberman tonight talking about (what else?) Paris Hilton and Britney Spears so tune in to MSNBC. You won't want to miss this ground breaking television event.

Also tonight, I'm at The Hollywood Improv on a show called "Comedy Juice". http://comedyjuice.com/

For FREE tickets email guestlist@comedyjuice.com.
The Improv8162 Melrose AvenueLos Angeles, CA

2007-06-09T16:16:00.001-04:00

Christian on Bud TV's "The Joe Buck Show"

2007-06-06T16:36:00.001-04:00

Citizens of Indianapolis and Bob & Tom Fans!

Hey there reader of Christian's blog, this is his wife Kambri writing to you since he is en route to the fair city of Indianapolis.

He'll be there all weekend performing at Crackers Comedy Club in Broad Ripple and will be on Bob & Tom tomorrow morning promoting the shows. Tune in to hear him live in studio; and, if you're in Indy, stop by Crackers to see a show. Call (317) 255-4211 for reservations.

Show Times are:

Wednesday 8:30 pm
Thursday 8:30 pm
Friday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking) and 10:30 pm
Saturday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking) and 10:30 pm
Sunday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking)

Crackers at Broad Ripple is located at 6281 N. College Ave. in beautiful Broad Ripple Village. (next to the Vogue Nightclub). Call (317) 255-4211 for reservations.

2007-03-20T00:49:00.000-04:00

HELLO, IT'S ME

So, lookie here. I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, but I've been busy as a beaver the past couple of months with the big ol' college tour thingy. We're about halfway through and things have been going swimmingly.

What? Have I been keeping a tour diary about all of our gigs? Why yes I have, and you can check it out here, at the Comedy Central site. Also, we've been doing video podcasts that you can check out here. Is it the most earth-shatteringly interesting footage ever captured on digital video? Well, perhaps not. But check it out nonetheless, especially if you like watching people stammer awkwardly.

I will try to get back to posting on a regular basis, both tour-related stuff and random attempts at chuckle-ocity. I've actually been doing a lot of writing lately, and if tonight's miserable set was any indication, my new "material" could really use a bit of e-scrutiny before I deem it fit for actual, real-life audiences.

Thanks for saving my place at the digital trough.

2007-01-25T01:31:00.000-05:00

MORE TOUR DATES

Hello, Tower of Hubrites.

As you know, I just started up a fancy-schmancy college tour sponsored by Comedy Central. Rather than me blathering on about it (again), check out this little clip:

Kind of cool, huh? Anyway, the tour brings us to NYU tonight (1/25) and Northwestern on Saturday (1/27). If you live in NYC or Chicago, come on out to the show. I promise nothing less than excellence! Both shows are open to the public--for ticket info, check out the main tour page at comedycentral.com.

Also, to reiterate: this Friday night Comedy Central will be airing a number of short promotional spots for the tour from 8pm to 11pm, as part of their Friday Night Stand Up lineup. I dare say they're pretty funny. Here's one of them:

That's all for now. Check back here for more details.

Thank you for your continued support.

2007-01-22T00:44:00.000-05:00

MY BIG VIACOM-APPROVED TOUR BEGINS!!

Friends, Well-Wishers and "Other":

Comedy Central, in its infinite wisdom (well, except for "That's My Bush!"), has decided to sponsor a college tour featuring yours truly. In fact, in honor of my debut cd (available in stores and online, btw) they're calling it:

COMEDY CENTRAL ON CAMPUS: CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN'S "TWO FOR FLINCHING" TOUR

Pretty sweet, no? Over the next three or so months I will be heading to 20-30 fully accredited institutions of higher learning, articulate dick jokes and ill-informed social commentary at the ready. There's so much I want to mention about the tour, but I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. So I'm going to turn these random items of interest into thoguhtful answers to questions I'm going to pretend you've just asked me. Such as:

WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP TODAY?

Well I'm not sure I like your tone, but I'm bringing it up because the VERY FIRST SHOW of the tour takes place tonight at UMass Lowell. Also, there are huge shows later this week at NYU on Thursday 1/25 and Northwestern on Saturday, 1/27. Dates are still being added, so make sure to check back with the main tour page every once in a while..

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED TOUR?

Thanks for asking. Starting this week, Comedy Central will be airing a couple of kick-arse commercials. Want to see one? Your wish is my command.

IS THAT IT?

Not even close. This Friday 1/26 from 7pm to 11pm, Comedy Central will also be aring a bunch of short interstitial clips we shot, as part of their "Friday Night Stand-Up" lineup, from 8pm to 11pm. As a teaser, here's one of the spots we shot: a cautionary tale about the dreaded Dorm Wanderer. I'll be including more of these clips on the site over the next couple of months, but try and tune in Friday so you can see them all in their true TV glory.

WILL THERE BE OTHER COMEDIANS ON THE BILL?

I'm not good enough for you? Well then, you're in luck. Among the comics scheduled to appear at one point or another: Zach Galifanakis, Charlie Murphy, Greg Giraldo, Tracey Morgan, Nick Swardson, Nick Thune, Jesse Joyce, Nick Kroll, Joe DeRosa, Andres DuBouchet, Eric O'Shea and more!

CAN REGULAR FOLKS LIKE ME ATTEND THIS SUREFIRE COMEDY EXTRAVAGANZA?

Um, I can't tell whether or not you're being sarcastic so I'll take your question at face value. While some tour dates do appear to be "students only", others are indeed open to the general public. For specific ticket info, head back over to the main tour page.

ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THESE SHOWS? YOU KNOW, 'QUIRKY'?

Funny you mention it. Every show on the Two For Flinching tour will culminate in two students locking horns in fierce intellectual combat, live on stage. At stake? Lots of fun prizes and...THE COMEDY CENTRAL FOURTEEN DOLLAR SCHOLARSHIP! That's right, I will be awarding fourteen American dollars to one lucky student at each school, helping make his or her career dreams become a reality. No, don't thank me--charity is its own reward. Think you have the brains, charm and poise to score this once-in-a-lifetime prize? Come out to a show and make sure you fill out an entry card.

WILL THERE BE WACKY BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE? BECAUSE I LOVE WACKY BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE!

I'm quite sure you do. Yes, we will be shooting some footage whilst out on "the road", but I cannot promise it will be wacky. I am aiming for "amusing" and "worth blowing off five minutes of porn for", though. More to come on this.

WILL YOU BE BLOGGING ON THE ROAD?

Dammit, haven't I told you a million times I can't stand it when you use the word "blog" as a verb? Please, try and avoid that. But I will writing wrap-ups of each and every tour date and, yes, I will be posting said wrap-ups on this blog under the heading, "THE TWO FOR FLINCHING TOUR DIARIES". This sojourn is not exactly what you might think of as a "tour", in that we won't be living on a bus for long stretches of time, a la Motley Crue. The Two For Flinching dates are spread out over a few months, so I'll be out on the road for a few days, back home for a while, out again for a couple of days, etc. So on the days I'm "touring", I'll be posting the tour diaries--the show wraps-ups will appear a day or two after each gig and will no doubt include lots of dispraging remarks about whatever part of the country I happen to be in at that moment. Otherwise, it will just be the random e-nonsense you've come to tolerate from me.

I suppose that's enough for now. If you come back to this site on a regular basis (and if you don't, you really should), you'll be hearing lots more about this. Thanks for your continued support. You are, each and every one of you, my hero.

2007-01-11T02:13:00.000-05:00

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
HALF-ASSED CHALLENGE OF THE DAY!

Your challenge: At some point today, try slipping the word 'merriment' in conversation without being looked at like a weirdo. The only rule is, you must use the word in the proper context, and with complete sincerity--no air quotes or ironic eyebrow raising.

This has been your Half-Assed Challenge of the Day.

2007-01-06T14:38:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
SELF-PIMPING AIN'T EASY

Okay, here's the deal: Comedy Central is once again running it's "Stand-Up Showdown". This is where CC pits comedians against eachother to see who...well, who's fans have the most amount of free time to sit in front of the computer and click "VOTE FOR ME". If you were reading this site last year, you'll remember I flogged this competition rather tirelessly. I'm not going to do that this year, mostly because I found the whole "scrounging for votes" thing a tad undignified. Oh yeah, and I'm incredibly lazy. But I will probably mention it a couple of times over the next few weeks, starting right now.

So if you're so inclined, please do put in a vote for me by clicking below. Remember, every time you vote for me, a Malaysian sweatshop worker gets a pack of SnackWell cookies. You wouldn't want to deprive a young boy of his SnackWell cookies, would you?

2007-01-04T00:43:00.000-05:00

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
HOW TO BE A GOOD TOURIST IN NYC

So the holiday tourist season is officially over and I feel like I have to take a moment to apologize to all of the Midwestern housewives, Arizona fratboys and acidwash-clad Europeans who were jostled, bumped and otherwise abused by us 'rude New Yorkers' over the past month or so. It is true--we can be a tad abrupt in this city. But I ask you to consider this: many of us are very busy and you guys do tend to get in the way a bit.

You have to understand, New York was planned very poorly. For some reason, the two most scenic neighborhoods in Manhattan (Times Square and Rockefeller Plaza) happen to be littered with high-rise office buildings. So the people who 'rudely' bump into your church group as you try to decide between Planet Hollywood and the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. are not just scurrying along to piss you off--they're trying to get to work. Imagine if you went to work one day, only to find they'd opened a petting zoo in your office. Would you keep an even temper if everytime you went to the fax amchine, there was some fat little kid in the way hand-feeding a llama? Sure it might be cute at first, but by Day Nine you'd be ready to take a life.

This is not a hopeless situation. We can all share this beautiful city--natives, transplants (like me) and visitors alike. I would only ask you to obey the laws of traffic. Remember, New York is a pedestrian city. Think of the subways as interstates and avenues (like Broadway) and cross-streets (like 42nd st.) as highways. If you really want to stop and marvel at the sights of Times Square ("Ooo, a really big Toys R Us!!"), pull over. Imagine if, as you were on your morning commute, some asshole stopped his car dead in the middle of the highway so he could admire an overpass ("Hey, lookie here--Rob loves Gina!"). You'd be a bit peeved, would you not? Perhaps you might even seem a little bit...rude?

Look, I'm not saying New Yorkers can't be dicks--we/they are huge assholes in a number of ways. But the next time someone "accidently" shoulder checks you outside of the Today Show or scowls as you jockey to have your picture taken with the Naked Cowboy (New Yorkers loathe that fuckwad, by the way), don't assume we're just determined to kill your buzz. There's a good chance we're just trying to get through the day without strangling a Missouri housewife with her fannypack strap.

I guess this is the kid of shit that makes the rest of the country hate all of us 'coastal elites', eh?

2007-01-03T02:20:00.000-05:00

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY
NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS OF THE RANDOM AND NOTEWORTHY

To welcome in 2007, let's take a look at the New Year's resolutions of some of my personal friends, such as:

SOON-TO-BE-TRADED YANKEES PITCHER RANDY JOHNSON

1) Steal money from homeless person
2) Punch baby in face
3) Re-grow kick ass mullet

RECORDING SENSATION AND PEE FETISH ICON FERGIE

1) Remember to always tinkle before heading to the stage
2) Find ways to plaster face with even more makeup
3) Enjoy seven remaining minutes

INTERNATIONAL MEGASTAR JACKEE

1) Inject even more sass into everyday interactons
2) Upload "227" clips onto YouTube
3) Contact Rodney about "Ladybugs" sequel

FORMER GENERAL ELECTRIC CEO JACK WLECH

1) Apply "Welch's Rules" to illegal cockfighting industry
2) Spend more time with Jermaine Jackson
3) Schedule ten minutes a day to tuck penis between legs and stand in front of mirror

IRAQI CLERIC MOQTADA AL SADR

1) Stop making excuses and get sock puppet business off ground
2) Get abs totally ripped in time for Ramadan
3) Conquer "GTA: San Andreas" side missions without using cheat codes

MOVIE STAR SISTERS DAKOTA AND ELLE FANNING

1) Poison neighbor's dog, blame it on Asian kid down street
2) Arrange joint interview on Access Hollywood, reveal Holocaust as hoax
3) Enact "Operation Viper"

2006-12-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

SATURDAY MID-AFTERNOON SPECIAL
WHAT YOUR HOLIDAY GIFTS SAY ABOUT YOU

So it's a few days after Christmas and it's time to take inventory of all the junk you received. Here's a little something I taped for the Best Week Ever website.

Enjoy!

2006-12-27T01:25:00.000-05:00

HEY, FLORIDIANS!

Just letting all of you Sunshine Staters know that I'll be performing at the Ft. Lauderdale Improv this weekend, from Thursday 12/28 to Saturday 12/30. So put down your brand new Nintendo Wii or "Grey's Anatomy, Season Two" DVD and come out to a show. I promise to say lots of very funny things and that those funny thing will be properly amplified via microphone technology. And think of the added bonuses:

1) The Ft. Lauderdale Improv is adjacent to the Hard Rock Seminole Hotel and Casino, so after the show you can win back all of that holiday cash you wasted on your family.

2) You'll be able to cross "See the world’s most scintillating stand-up comedy show not involving watermelons" off of your New Year’s resolutions before the New Year has even begun!

3) I'll be selling and signing copies of my new CD, "Two For Flinching". What better way to try to make amends for the semi-degrading lingerie you bought for your wife?

4) Feeling a bit porky from all your yuletide binging? Well laughter burns up to 85 calories a minute! Where do I get that statistic, you ask? I made it up, fuckface! But laughing at my highly articulate dick jokes ain’t gonna make you any fatter--that’s the Christian Finnegan guarantee.

Please don't resist--you'll just end up embarrassing both of us. Here are the details:

Christian Finnegan @ The Ft. Lauderdale Improv
December 28 -30
5700 Seminole Way
Hollywood, FL 33314
Click here for tickets and stuff

See you there, friendlies.

Regards,
me

2006-12-19T11:23:00.000-05:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
DAYS OF YORE

This morning, the St. Petersburg Times pulled a 2002 quote from this very blog for an article about Paul McCartney's holiday dickpunch, "Wonderful Christmastime". In honor of this little bit of media love, I've decided to re-post the entry the quote was pulled from. Reading it back, there are a couple of innacuracies (1. Bowie's blazer in the Bing Crosby special appears to be sharkskin rather than velveteen, and 2. Sir Paul is singing "sim-plee", not "seeeem t'be"), but in general I think it all still holds up. One thing, though: I'm kind of embarrassed for having said that "Do They Know it's Christmas?" has lyrical heft. As my friend Andres rightly pointed out, maybe these poor Africans don't know it's Christmas because...well, they live in fucking Africa, you condescending Imperialist bastards.

Still, enjoy:

TOWER OF HUBRIS RATES CHRISTMAS CAROLS OF THE MODERN ERA

* "Do They Know it's Christmas" (Band Aid) -- Sure, you can name all of the soloists in "We Are the World", but can you do the same for "Do They Know it's Christmas"? In case you aspire to my level of utter dorkiness, it goes: Paul Young / Boy George / George Michael / Simon LeBon / Simon LeBon and Sting / Sting and Bono / Bono / everyone / Paul Young again / everyone. Why a pathetic 80s also-ran like Paul Young got two solos, we'll never know. I will say this, though--Paul Young wins the award for "Most Inappropriate Use of a Sitar" hands-down for that song "Every Time You Go Away". As far as the Band Aid song goes, I actually kind of love it. It's actually got some musical and lyrical heft to it, unlike that USA for Africa horseshit. GRADE: B+

* "Little Drummer Boy" (Bing Crosby and David Bowie) -- This song was, of course, recorded as part of a famous '70s Bing Crosby Christmas special and I defy any of you to watch the little opening "scene" acted out between Bowie and Bing and tell me it's not the first three minutes of a gay porno. "Percival lets me use his piano...may I come in?" Percival?! Then, Bing awkwardly sidles up to the baby grand and makes "small talk" as Bowie teases him with his Aladdin Sane-era shock of red hair blue velveteen blazer, while nonchalantly thumbing through some sheet music. The sexual tension is almost palpable. And then...song. Ladies and gentlemen, the gayest moment ever on television (that didn't involve ice skates). Bowie was in fine voice, by the way. GRADE: B

* "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Elmo 'n Patsy) -- The very sound of Down Syndrome. Even sadder: I absolutely loved it when it came out. I would sit patiently by the radio, listening to Dr. Demento (as was my Sunday night ritual), anxiously awaiting the "Funny Five" countdown. "Coming in at #5: "Yoda" by Weird Al Yankovic, #4: "Fish Heads" by Barnes and Barnes, #3: "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Napoleon XIV, #2: "Dead Puppies" by Ogden Edsl", and the #1 song of the week, dementoids and dementites, is Elmo 'n Patsy!!! Hoo-raaaaay!" I think I stopped listening to Dr. Demento the day I touched an actual boobie. Thanks, Nicole Guttenberg! GRADE: D

* "Fairytale of New York" (The Pogues) and "2000 Miles" (Pretenders) -- I shan't joke about either of these songs. GRADE: A

* "Christmas in Hollis" (Run-DMC) -- I think of Run-DMC a lot around this time of year, every time I get together with my friends and "bust Christmas carols". I did so love this song when it came out, wlthough I had no idea where "Hollis, Queens" was, nor what "collared greens" were, nor "cold hundreds of G's". Looking back, I think you can pinpoint "Christmas in Hollis" as the precise moment when Run-DMC stopped being taken seriously by black people. I think it may have has something to do with the "mischievous elf" in the video. It's probably difficult to come off as "hard" once you've appeared on film with a dude in tights and pointy shoes. I still get psyched when it comes on the radio or MTV, only to disappointedly turn the station two minutes in, once my "Irony Meter" starts dipping into the red. GRADE: B-

* "Wonderful Christmastime" (Paul McCartney) -- Sweet Christ, if this is the worst song ever recorded, I'm not sure what is. Recorded in the early days of synthesizer technology, this little yuletide ditty (or don't-y) now reminds one not of the Beatles' majesty, but of a rejected theme song for some cooking show on Queens public access television. Every time I hear that "seeeem t'be haaa-ving...", a little piece of me dies. I will always love Sir Paul, but I fully expect that "Wonderful Christmastime" is what's piped through Hell's stereo system while Satan pierces your genitals with burning rods. GRADE: F-

* "Backdoor Santa" (Bon Jovi) -- Insert joke here. GRADE: D

There are, of course, dozens more ("Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon and Wham!'s "Last Christmas", to name but two), but I'm getting tired and it's not like anyone going to be checking in here today, anyway. And if you ARE, go wrap some goddamn presents, or something!

2006-12-18T01:39:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
WHAT CHILD IS THIS?

Hey there. Long time no type.

I was in Dayton, OH this week, performing at the lovely Funnybone Comedy Club. It was a very nice club and the majority of my sets went surprisingly well (except for Sunday night's show, which was populated in part by a large group of women from a local black church, one wearing a lovely Easter hat--hardly my target audience). Anyway, the brand new club is situated in one of those outdoor cookie-cutter outdoor malls that seem to be popping up in city in America. Seriously, everyu place I travel to seems to have one of these sprawling "lifestyle centers", all of which seem to include a movie theater, The Cheesecake Factory and either a Talbots or a Chico's. Totally off-topic, Kambri once nailed the Chico's appeal, describing it to me as a place for suburban middle-aged women who think of themselves as free spirits. Seriously, take a look at this chick and tell me she consider herself to be "sassy". Gauzy blouses combined with long strings of beads are an unholy fashion alchemy. Blecch.

Speaking of holiness, the most noteworthy of this particular outdor mall was the live nativity scene set up in the courtyard in front of the club (adjacent to the parking lot, as described in the Bible). I know it's easy to take potshots at religious people, and I actually find nativity scenes kind of heartwarming. But man, I simply cannot convey how lackluster this scene was--no effort whatsoever. Four bales of hay, some traffic partitions, and a few random townsfolk andd meth addicts in costume. The costumes weren't terrible in and of themselves, but Joseph and Mary apparently made a pitstop at LensCrafters on the way to the Holy Land. How hard is it to leave your specs in the minivan? Does life in the manger really require 20/20 vision? I'm also pretty certain one of the wise men was wearing an iPod. No goats or donkeys in sight, just one mangy collie lying off to the side, licking himself. And although I absolutely cannot confirm this, I suspect the Baby Jesus was a Bratz Babyz doll. Worst of all, the birth of Christ was being recreated directly beneath Adobe Gila's, a garish margarita-and-date-rape saloon that I'm sure is part of some awful chain. So for the better part of Friday and Saturday evening, the nativity was was bathed in the muffled bass and hostile chanting of whatever the DJ was using to get the party started on "Naughty School Girl Night". At no point in the weekend did I see more than five people observing the virgin birth at any given time--mostly, people would cast a cursory glance while strolling over to Yankee Candle.

Truly a Christmas miracle! Hallelujah!

2006-12-14T01:56:00.000-05:00

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO WELCOME FANS OF THE DYING MEDIUM KNOWN AS RADIO!

(NOTE: In a few hours, I'll be appearing on the Bob & Tom show, an very popular morning radio show that airs all over this great nation of ours. The show is extremely comedian-friendly and many of my peers who've appeared on the show have said they experienced a lot of new web traffic as a result. Therefore, I thought I might as well introduce myself to any curious passers-by.)

Good day, Bob & Tom listeners. Welcome to my little e-oasis. I assume you're here because:

A) You're desperate to learn more about the wonderfully talented and charismatic person you heard on the radio. Who is he? What makes him tick? What are his hopes and dreams? And most importantly, DO BOB AND TOM REALIZE THEY'RE IN PRESENCE OF COMEDY GENIUS?

B) You're desperate to learn more about the incredibly unfunny sack of crap you heard on the radio. Who is he? Why would anyone find him remotely funny? Why is he deluding himself? And most importantly, DOES THIS DOUCHEBAG HAVE NAKED PHOTOS OF BOB AND TOM?

C) You're looking for some bland amusement to distract you from soul-crushing spiritual nutpunch that is your career.

Whatever the reason, nice to have you. Scroll down, take a look around--I guarantee you'll find something that will make you say, "Gee, he seemed like a much nicer person on the radio." Toodles!

Sincerely,

Christian Finnegan
Your Private Dancer

2006-12-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
HE'S GOT THE LOOKS THAT THRILL!

As you may have heard, interim U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton will be stepping down before the new congress convenes in January. Now I don't pretend to have any clue what goes into good ambassador-ing. My evaluation of John Bolton as both a civil servant and a human being is pretty bare-bones: All the people who support him seem to be douchebags--therefore, I must assume that John Bolton is also a douchebag and, hence, a bad ambassador. I will say this for the man, though: he is, without a doubt, the goofiest looking human being to ever hold high office. Don't believe me? Check this dude out:

Take a look at that guy and tell he shouldn't be living inside a tree. I mean, there are offices higher than Ambassador to the U.N. and there are probably people goofier looking than John Bolton. But to be that goofy and that powerful? Well, you really have to tip your hat. This dude is an inspiration--no longer will aesthetically challenged children be forced to say, "Gee, I'd really love to represent my country at the United Nations one day...but man, I'm just fucking goofy looking!"

I'm hoping that the president stays the course on this one and nominates someone equally as visually groundbreaking to replace Ambasador Bolton. To that end, I've compiled my only little shortlist. Feel free to forward these photos along to yoour congressperson, along with a few thousand signatures:

2006-12-04T01:09:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
LET'S GET FISCAL

Question for you mature adults out there: When you receive your bank statements every month, what do you do with them? Do you go through them, match them against your receipts and checkbook, make sure no one is ripping you off? That seems like the kind of thing an adult would do. I'm hoping at least a couple of you do this, because if not, my financial strategy is truly fucked.

You see, when I receive statements of any kind (bank, credit card, cell phone, what have you), I toss them in the garbage unopened. You know why I don't bother to read my statements? Because you do. Nothing personal, there--I'm not implying that your fiscal responsibility is in some way uncool. Although, let's be honest: do you think The Fonz would spend a lot of time going through his Discover Card statement? But that's beside the point. What I'm saying is, Bank of America doesn't know me. They don't anything about me. They have no idea that I possess the organizational skills of a heroin-addicted toddler. For all Bank of America knows, I'm vigiliant with my finances, the kind of person who goes through every bill with a fine-tooth comb, looking for indescretions and overcharges. I could be the kind of person who spends an hour on hold with Account Services to clear up an errant late fee, not because I really need the $15, but merely on principle. For all Bank of America knows, I could be...you. And they're not going to dare try to fuck with you, are they? So thanks, nerds--your fiscal responsibility has freed me up to be the man I am today.

Why do I have the feeling that one day I'll re-read this last paragraph and start weeping?

I feel like I'm in the midst of a serious 'Manchild' phase of my life. My body is beginning to show undeniable signs of age, and yet I seem to have acquired none of the maturity that usually goes along with getting older. For example, I have a "bad knee". I'm not saying that I injured my knee, that if I take it easy for a week or two it will be back in tip-top shape. No, I'm talking about the deep ache in my left knee that has flared up over the past year or so whenever I've tried to jog for sustained periods/distances. This is not something that I see getting better--it's just a fact of life that I have to live with now that I'm solidly in my Thirties. Hell, I remember when my Dad first acquired a "bad knee" right around the same age I am now. Of course, when my Dad was 33, he owned a home, two cars and a business that employed about twenty people (this in addition to taking care of a wife and two children). This seems like that way it's meant to be: as your body starts to deteriorate, your "adult" capabilities begin to reveal themselves. Well, it's not really working out like that for me. It doesn't seem right that I suffer semi-regular back spasms and yet know absolutely nothing about the stock market. I knew nothing about the stock market ten years ago, but back then it was a positive. I was a freewheeling muthafucka in my Twenties--don't be wasting my time with all this NASDAQ shit! But now that I'm sporting a growing collection of grey hairs, I should probably have some vague sense of what the word "annuities" means. The guy who does my taxes tried explaining it to me, but he may as well be speaking Klingon.

I'll admit, part of me doesn't want to learn about investing, for fear of becoming one of those people. If I start having conversations about "the Market", how long will it be before I'm wearing a cell-phone holster and tucking my polo shirts into my khakis? But I am, ever so slightly, trying to dip my toe into the waters of fiscal adulthood. I even have a "Money Market Account" now, although it sits empty because I still have no idea what the hell it is. I hope to get a handle on it before I start noticing grey pubes, but it's going to be a horse race.

2006-11-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

THANKS A BUNCH, KRAMER...

WARNING: There is nothing funny contained in today's entry. Seriously. Being that it's "Tuesday Newsday" and I am by all accounts a stand up comedian, I can't really avoid addressing this Michael Richards craziness, can I? Hell, how often is stand up comedy front page news--especially a story that doesn't involve the words "Dane" and/or "Cook"? So I will try to adress it here, even though the whole story just makes me kind of depressed and angry. This story will have residual effects on the stand up community as a whole, from the barrage of anti stand-up editorials that are already being written to my suspician that an increasing number of people are going to start filming comedy club shows on their cell phones, hoping to catch something "incriminating". It's just bad for comedians everywhere, which makes it really difficult to feel sorry for this fuckhead.

Obviously, the tirade was insane. But having been taken to task for things I've said (or have been perceived to say) on stage a few times over the past few years, I was looking for a reason, ANY reason to exonerate the dude in my mind. Well, I tried--really, I did. I'm willing to stand up (no pun intended) for any comic, saying any sort of offensive shit, provided that there is a joke involved. It doesn't have to be a great joke--hell, it can just be a vague and poorly executed premise. But there is absolutely nothing resembling a joke in Richards' screed. Not even the germ of a joke. Not even a whisper. Oh sure, he babbled something about "words, words, all these words", obviously trying to point out our cultural taboos. Setting aside ethics for a moment, that's a pathetic cop out--invoking the word "nigger" for shock value is considered indisputably hack among real stand up comics, no matter what silly context you try to put it in. But for the sake of argument, I'll give Richards this one. that still does nothing to address lines like, "fifty years ago you'd be upside down with a fork up your ass" or "that's what happens when you interrupt the white man". That's just nonsense, pure and simple.

You have to understand, I'm still not terribly comfortable taking this position. As I said up top, my instinct is always to side with a comic over any "offended party". There is so little respect for stand-up in the culture at large, and pundits and journalists are ALWAYS looking for subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways to diminish what comics try to do. By talking shit about Michael Richards, am I not taking sides against my peers? But then a very simple truth dawned on me:

Michael Richards is not a stand up comedian. So fuck him.

Michael Richards is one of a growing number of on-the-wane celebrities who have decided to attach themselves like barnacles to the world of stand-up (think Screech). There is always an air of palpable condescension that comes from people like this. They think it's easy. Or if not "easy", than certainly nothing more than a means to an end. Stand up is a way to stay visible until an on-camera gig comes along. Plus, it gives them some feeling of "cred". These are not people who feel compelled to spend five hours at a shitty Tuesday night open mic, waiting to perform for a handful of disinterested drunks.

Simply put, someone like Michael Richards has never paid his dues and obviosuly doesn't understand that stand can be...well, pretty fucking intricate. There are things about comedy that you can't learn by waltzing into a club on Saturday night and babbling (and trust me, there are no fucking jokes in this dude's set--I've seen it) to a packed room full of people who adore you because you were on the tee-vee. All of those open mics and late night hell gigs teach you things, such as: Don't try to be "edgy" without knowing what the comedic payoff is supposed to be. To paraphrase "Glengarry Glen Ross, "If you don't know the shot, keep your fucking mouth shut." Watching Richards scream "nigger" over and over again in some weak-assed attempt to be Lenny Bruce (overrated, by the way) was liking watching a foreigner read the Pledge of Alleigance phonetically.

Look, I know Richards was a sketch comedian for a very long time before Seinfeld. But sketch is not stand up--neither is improv. Only in stand-up are you forced to take full ownership of every word that comes out of your mouth. There are no characters to hide behind, no scenarios to "yes-and". There is only you, your opinion and whatever ability you have to express that opinion in a humorous fashion.

Michael Richards doesn't know that because he's not a stand up comedian. He's an out of work actor trying to be edgy and dangerous until his next "wacky neighbor" role comes along. So fuck him.

2006-11-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
EXACTLY HOW BIG OF A FUCKING ASSHOLE AM I?

So Saturday night I was driving a rental car to a show in Pennsylvania. I'm not a huge fan of driving--in fact, I just re-acquired my license fifteen months ago, after letting it expire when I moved to NYC at age eighteen. This particular drive was annoying because I'd rented a portable GPS system that had, due to my idiocy, taken me forty minutes out of my way. I also hadn't eaten, so I was a bit cranky. Somewhere along the way I realized I'd forgotten to pack my American Crew Forming Cream (the official hair product of aging wannabes), so I got off the highway and turned into an Eckerd's. As I started to pull into a parking spot, I noticed a roly poly child of around eleven sitting in a station wagon two spots over. He was sitting in the backseat with the door open, playing with some large brightly colored toy--some sort of brightly colored lazer gun, or something. And I suppose "playing with" isn't accurate. He was just sort of sitting there, staring at it in his hands as if it were a bunny he'd accidentally strangled to death. Mom was obviously inside buying personal hygeine products and had left Junior outside to amuse himself. He kind of reminded me of the kid from Bad Santa, only wearing glasses and not so visibly retarded.

Anyway, I pulled a bit too far into the parking spot and the front end of my Ford Taurus scraped the cement parking barrier, making a rather hideous noise. Naturally, I then backed up a bit, causing another loud screech. I got out of the car and cheked the front of the car--I bought the insurance for the car, but I was worried that Dollar Rental would still try to charge me. Relatively comfortable with the state of the Ford Taurus, I began to walk toward the front door. As I passed the Bad Santa kid, I heard home say something, almost inaudibly: "Nice driving."

Um...did I just fucking hear that? Did this little fuckknob just talk shit to me? After the day I've had? No. Fucking. Way.

"Excuse me?" I said, as I spun around to face the kid.

Pause.

"Nice hat," he said, peering up from his lazer gun. (I was, for the record, wearing a rather nondescript hat.)

"Oh really? Nice hat? That's what you just said?"

"Yeah."

"Because I could have sworn I heard you say 'nice driving'. You didn't say 'nice driving'?

"no."

"So you're telling me that I heard you wrong, that what you really said was 'nice hat'? That's what you're trying to convince me of? That's the story you're going with?"

Pause. Then quietly, "I said 'nice hat'."

The roly poly child sheepishly pulled his legs into the car, shut the door and slumped down in the backseat. I turned around and strode confidently into Eckerd's, feeling as if I'd stood up in the face of Injustice. By the time I returned to the Ford Taurus, the kid's mother had abviously finished her shopping and the station wagon was gone. I was half disappointed, as I wanted to see kid squirm a little bit more. And the other half of me was relieved, as I was a little afraid that the kid was going to tell on me and that I'd get yelled at by his mother.

Question: Exactly how big of a fucking asshole am I?

2006-11-13T11:36:00.001-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
MUSIC APPRECIATION DAY

I'm not feeling particularly funny or self-analytical today, so I thought I might as well just recommend some tunes I've been digging lately. Not all of these are actually "new", but I've come to discover (or re-discover) each of these over the past month or two and they're all genuinely wondrous. You should go on iTunes (or whatever) and buy them.

* "Sunday Noises" by Califone
* "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley
* "Destination Diamonds" by Diamond Nights
* "Phoenix" by Cibelle
* "Skip to the End" by The Futureheads
* "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes
* "The Only Night" by Ian Love
* "Drop it Like it's Hot" by Minus the Bear (no, it's not a Snoop Dog cover)
* "Even Tho" by Joseph Arthur
* "Don't Save Us From the Flames" by M83
* "Province" by TV on the Radio
* "Piece of Clay" by Marvin Gaye
* "I Was Born (A Unicorn)" by The Unicorns
* "Why Don't We Fall in Love" by Amerie
* "Fly High Michelle" by Enuff Z'nuff (fuck you, it's a great song)

If you can't find at least one song on this list you dig, you're fucking Al Qaeda.

2006-11-10T01:16:00.000-05:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
PREPARE TO BE SPEECHLESS

Listen, I know this clip has already made the rounds, but I include it here in the hopes that there are a few of you out there who are still uninitiated. There is so much to love here, so much to loathe, so much to make you squirm uncomfortably in your chair. Without further ado, I give you "One Bank":

one bank on Vimeo

2006-11-09T10:43:00.000-05:00

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY/RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY HYBRID:
THE POLITICS OF TOMORROW!

So the votes in Virgina are in, the Democrats have officially taken the Senate and depending on your philosophical leanings, you're either elated or moritifed (count me among the elated). I did, however, notice there seem to be more and more fringe political parties on the ballot every election year. In New York, we had the Libertarians, the Green Party, The Independence Party, Working Families, Conservatives, Socialist Workers and the "Rent is Too High" Party (I like a party that spells it out for me!). In my opinion, the Two Party System is the single worst aspect of our American Democracy--how can a government function well if half of its leaders deperately want (nay, NEED) the other half to fail? So I think the rise in Third Party candidates can only be a good thing. And according to my research, the ballot is only going to get more crowded next time around. Here are a bunch of fringe politcal parties looking to make their mark in 2008:

THE FREETOPIANS
PHILOSOPHY: Freetopians are vehemently opposed to government infringements on personal liberty at all levels. Among the things Freetopians are opposed to: streetlights, child safety caps and minimum height requirements on roller coasters.
SLOGAN: "Libertarians are a bunch of Communist pussies!"

THE ARE-WE-RACIST? PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: The AWR endorses a number of controversial social policies, all of which are very ambiguous in their intent. Are they trying to help the less fortunate? Or are they horrible racists? Hard to say. Proposals include a plan that would require teachers in predominantly Black schools to rap their lessons plans, a "Tortillas-for-Guns" program in crimeridden Latino neighborhoods, and The Schlomo Goldstein Foundation, which helps Jews pass the bar exam.
SLOGAN: "Working towards an America where men and women of every race are valid."

TGL (Total Government Live)
PHILOSOPHY: TGL wants to offer America a more direct approach to Democracy, whereby policy would be created via "shout outs" by average teens who happen to be congregating en masse outside the House of Respresentatives.
SLOGAN: "Hi, I'm Tracy Meloni from Merrick, Long Island and I want to give a mad shout out to tax code reform for working families and small business! Chad Michael Murray, I love you! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

THE FINGERFUCK PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: Founded by prominent economist Ronald Fingerfuck, The Fingerfucks are the "no nonsense" party of fiscal responsibility. They believe budget cuts are necessary in both social programs and military spending if we ever hope to reign in our ballooning national deficit.
SLOGAN: "The era of false promises is over. America deserves honest and sober fiscal leadership in the face of a ever-evolving global economy. Vote Fingerfuck."

THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE GIRLFRIEND PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: This group believes that the 'passive-aggressive girlfriend' is the perfect model for good government. If voted into power, the PAG will exert its influence on foreign and domestic policy through an intricate combination of awkward silences, vague expressions of disappointment, and occasional crying fits.
SLOGAN: "So...you don't want to increase farm subsidies? Um...okay. No, that's fine... (sigh...) ...Listen, I think I'm just going to go. No. I'm fine. Obviously, you're not interested in what I have to say, so... You just do whatever. I said, I'm fine. Really. (sigh)"

THE PEPSI GENERATION
PHILOSOPHY: This party is dedicated to promoting the family value of cool, refreshing Pepsi cola. Look under the cap of your participating Pepsi product for a chance to become Secretary of Health and Human services, or any one of 150 other rad Pepsi prizes! The PG hopes to rebound after months of infighting between potential nominees Shakira and Beyonce.
SLOGAN: With a smooth taste and less than 100 calories, it's clear that Pepsi is the choice of a new voting demographic!

THE PARTY PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: If voted into power, this group will see to it every American citizen would be able to throw a kick-ass party. Funds will be allocated for beer, potato chips, crepe paper streamers and totally awesome '80s music mix CD's. A special congressional task force will be formed to make sure that "Jeff" doesn't show up.
SLOGAN: "Dude, you are so wasted! We are so getting your vote!"

2006-11-07T01:08:00.000-05:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
AN INTERVIEW WITH A FASCINATING HUMAN BEING

The very wonderful comedy website Dead Frog just posted an extensive (dare I say, exhaustive) interview with a truly legendary American. That's right: me. Some of what I said makes me cringe a little bit. Some of it I'm relatively proud of. The main thing this interview has taught me is that i really need to learn how to speak in full and complete sentences--especially when talking to someone on the phone.

Anyway, if you're interested in the philosphy of stand up comedy (to the extent there is one), I think it's worth reading. You can read the whole thing here.

P.S. By the way, Kambri has been demanding I mention that, on the very same day I "worked" with Kevin Federline, she chatted with Wilmer Valderama. this is significant because K-Fed and Wilmer are probably my two biggest go-to punchlines on "Best Week Ever". Wilmer more than Federline, honestly (after all, anyone can make a K-Fed joke). Still, that is a pretty heavy-duty aligning of the douchebaggy planets. You can read about Kambri's Valderhomage here. I'm relieved that, by all indications, Kambri was able to resist havng sex with him.

2006-11-06T00:20:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
SLIGHT RETURN

So, if you didn't notice, I took a little time away from the Tower of Hubris last week. What can I say--I was ravaged by exhaustion and had other things to do that were...how shall I say it...more important than the e-masturbatory folly that is this blog. But just so you don't feel like you missed out on anything, here's a quick update on the things I'm wracking my brain with these days:

* I spent the majority of the past week readying a sitcom idea that I am pitching to a television executive this afternoon (at 3pm EST, if you're the kind of person who believes in putting out "good vibes" and shit). I'm working with a very talented writer dude who's really done the lion's share of the work--my main role has been to meet him for lunch and babble nonsensically about my worldview. My other role has been to add little nuggets of wisdom, such as "I don't want my character to be named Walter" and "There aren't really any Cubans in Astoria, Queens". Anyway, it's been a pretty interesting process and I'm proud to finally count myself among the 4,000,000 douchebags out there hawking a situation comedy.

* On Saturday evening, I nearly got into a fistfight. And when I say "fistfight", I mean "had my ass handed to me by a teenage Latino dude". Here's an abbreviated rundown of how it all went down, with the helps of semi-colons: Thug Life was sitting on the subway stairs; I needed to get by and as I did I bumped into him slightly; he said some shit to me; I said some shit back; he got into my "grill"; I didn't back down (too much); Thug Life ceremoniously removed his doo-rag (it was ON!); I walked down the platform; he followed me and said some more shit; I said some more shit back, trying my best to refrain from calling him MC Hammer (he had stupid little lines cut into his eyebrows); he promised to follow me wherever I went; I told him to go ahead, while privately praying he wouldn't); he told me as we got above ground he was going to rob and beat me; I gave him a very nervous "whatever" look; Thug Life started stalking the platform yelling "WHITE BOY! WHIIIIIIIIITE BOY!"; I removed my license and credit cards from my wallet (just in case!); we got on the train, he starting badgering some random and bewildered black woman, shouting about how, back in the day, white boys never would have gotten away with talking shit (ah, the salad days!); we got off the train; I walked towards one staircase; he inexplicably lost track of me (I wasn't running, I promise!) and walked towards the other staircase; I climbed the stairs while listening to Thug Life yell "WHITE BOY! WHERE YOU AT?!"; I walked at a normal pace (maybe I was hurrying a little...okay, I was speed-walking, basically) across 14th street to my gig, all the while half-waiting for a drunken fist to come careening down onto the back of my head; I got to the club and spent the next twenty minutes drinking and waiting for my hands to stop shaking with rage (okay, fear). Then I went up and tried to make people laugh--it went pretty well except for the moment where I started yelling at some Jersey girl for talking during my set. I'm man enough to admit that maybe I was taking shit out on her just a teensy-weensy bit. Such is life.

* Oh, and did I mention I met Kevin Federline on Thursday? Well, I did. I did something with him for Best Week Ever. While spectacularly unimpressive as a public figure (even in person, K-Fed has the starpower of a TGI Fridays night manager), he said or did nothing that was glaringly douche-y. I was polite, but not overly friendly. I already felt like a major hypocrite standing there next to him after all the shit I;'ve talked about him on the show. Best Week Ever, like politics, creates strange bedfellows. Honestly, I was just relieved he didn't punch me in the face. Either he's fully embraced his Semi-Celebrity Pinata status, or Best Week Ever isn't on his radar. I will say this, though--that dude positively reeks of cigarettes. Shit is nasty, yo.

* Lastly, just so I don't miss yet another opportunity to flog Two For Flinching, here's a quick little promo I did for BWE (as we insiders/jackwads call it):

2006-10-30T23:30:00.000-05:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
YES, THIS INVOLVES FARTING

My life is a movie. I know a lot of people say that, and when they do they imagine their lives as distinctly Woody Allen-esque, with overeducated urbanites tossing off witty rejoinders. Or maybe you view your life as a compendium of bittersweet nuggets of poignancy set to pop music, a la Cameron Crowe. Or hell, maybe your life is the spitting image of The Constant Gardener--who's to say? But that's not what I'm talking about. My life is a really crappy movie. The kind of movie that would garner a Metacritic score of 34. The kind of movie that would star Jonathan Silverman and be released straight to video--in Belgium.

Here's a brief glimpse of what I'm talking about:

This afternoon I found myself standing at the elevator bank of an office building, alone--not a soul within sight. As the elevator doors opened and I stepped through, I felt the Asian Chicken Salad I had for lunch shift awkwardly in my stomach. So I...well, how do I say this...I ripped a fart, okay? Don't fucking judge me. What, you've never done passed gas in your life? Your digestive tract is impervious to such things? Anyway, I wasn't too concerned as soon the elevator doors would close and no one would have to know about my little faux pas. But here's the thing: the doors didn't close. They just sat there, motionless. I stood thee calmly for a few moment, wondering what the problem was. Before long, a scent rose up to my nostrils--faintly at first, than like a tidal wave of hot lava. It was a stench so brutal and unyielding, I nearly lost consciousness. My head was immediately filled with visions of war, pestilence and Andy Dufresne crawling through a sewage pipe to escape Shawshank Prison. This smell came from me? From my body?! Even as my mind continued to reel, the elevator doors remained open, as if in silent testimony. "BEHOLD!", they exclaimed, "THIS MAN JUST UNLEASHED A TORRENT OF UNHOLINESS THROUGH HIS ANUS! YES, THIS MAN RIGHT HERE!"

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the elevator doors began to close. Thank you, sweet christ! Redemption! I stopped worrying about the doors and set to wondering if I could hold my breath for 17 floors. Then...horror. Three corporate types (two men and a woman) came around the corner and began rushing towards the elevator doors. In a panic, I began furiously stabbing at the "Doors Close" button, all the while trying to assure the office drones that I was doing everything I could do to make them re-open. With the doors about five inches apart I felt like I was in the clear, but at the last moment this dude got his mitt in between, and the doors began easing back open. The walls started closing in on me as a felt another another wave of awfulness ready itself in my lower intestine. Finally, as the three fastidious-looking business people loaded into the elevator, I freaked out and essentially shoved them out of the way to get back into the lobby. "Pick the wrong elevator?" asked one of the fellows, amiably. I muttered some sort of affirmative response over my shoulder and kept walking. As the elevator doors were finally closing, I heard the woman exclaim, "Oh...god!!".

I stood in the lobby for a solid ten minutes waiting, quite literally, for the smoke to clear. I felt sorry for those poor, innocent professionals--that particular elevator was for Floors 17-25, so they had at least a solid 20 seconds to marinate in the horrific ass-sauna I'd created. Finally, I got into another elevator and went up to the 17th floor. And when I stepped out of the elevator, guess who was standing there? Can you guess...?

No one. the elevator bank was completely empty. Like I said, my life is a crappy movie.

2006-10-27T01:57:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
AND...EXHALE.

So it's been a couple of days since I posted. My sincere apologies. As you can imagine, the past few days have been a bit of a blur--two separate CD release events, interviews with college newspapers, radio call-ins, blah blah blah. Even though things will continue to be hectic from here on in, I do feel like the next week or two will give me a nice opportunity to get my head back above water. I have about 150 emails I haven't responded to, I haven't hung out with my friends in a while and I haven't really written any new material lately. Also, I'd really love to have sex with my wife sometime soon--she deserves the forty-two seconds of pure ecstasy that only Finny can provide. of course, my mentioning that in a blog entry probably hamstrings any chance I have of getting laid anytime soon. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Speaking of the lovely Kambri, I should mention that she's going to be reading a piece from her site Love, Daddy at the Yankee Potroast reading this coming Monday 10/30 at Ace of Clubs. Y.P.R. is a very prestigious and well-respected literary cuddle party, so this is kind of a sweet gig. Anyway, you should check it out and stuff.

And now, apropos of nothing, please enjoy the music video "Breaking the Chains" by Dokken, a band I was very fond of in eighth grade. Stick around for the second and third verses--that's where this becomes a real treasure trove of awfulness.

2006-10-24T07:53:00.000-04:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
MY THOUGHTS ON THE SITUATION IN NORTHERN KOREA

I really think we've painted ourselves into a corner with Kim Jong Il. Our unilateral approach to the war in Iraq and its resulting global backlash has stripped the United States of any leverage at the bargaining table. Sanctions may sound like the answer, but our only realistic option is to re-engage North Korea in six-party talks...and...um...

...wait a second, here...

Who the hell cares about North Korea when TWO FOR FLINCHING COMES OUT TODAY?!!! That's right, peoples--the release of my debut CD is really the only news worth knowing. North Korea, Shmorth Shmorea. Can you purchase a resolution to the dicey issue of nuclear proliferation at your local record store or favorite online music provider? No, you can't. Is Kim Jong Il endorsed by Comedy Central? He most certainly is not. Does UN Ambassador John Bolton make you laugh hysterically? Well okay, maybe a little. But the point is, your life will be directly affected by the purchase of my CD far more than it ever will be by a semi-failed nuclear test on the Asian peninsula. That is, until North Korea sells the technology to Iran and we all die in a fiery mushroom cloud.

But until then, it's all about TWO FOR FLINCHING! Buy one, sucka!

P.S. It's not on iTunes yet--that will be another week or so.

2006-10-23T02:30:00.000-04:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
THE PEANUT GALLERY SPEAKS

Listen, I'm going to keep today's blog entry short. I'm a bit depressed, to be honest. As you know by now, my CD ("Two For Flinching") is being released tomorrow on Comedy Central Records. Understandably, this is a big deal to me--I've always dreamed of a moment like this and what it could mean for the rest of my career. Well, the very first review of "Two For Flinching" is out, and...well, it's pretty darn negative. I'm constantly trying to remind myself that there are always going to be people who don't enjoy what you do and that you can't let that get you down. Still, it really hurts when your pour your heart and soul into a project and some bitter prick hiding behind a keyboard talks shit about you. I mean, I can accept someone not enjoying my work, but some of the stuff in this review seems downright personal. Anyway, you can read it for yourself here. Regardless of what you end up thinking about "Two For Flinching", I think we can all agree that the guy who wrote this review is an asshole.

P.S. Just a reminder to those of you in the NYC area: My CD release performance/party takes place tonight! I'll be doing a full 45 minute set and then selling and signing copies of "Two For Flinching"! Please come to the show and help me get over that hateful reviewer's screed! Here are the 'deets':

A Night of Life-Changing Stand Up Comedy by Christian Finnegan
with a special appearance by Nick Kroll
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (b. 2nd and 3rd st.)
8:30pm
$6.00

2006-10-20T13:30:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
EXTREME PENANCE!

Look, I realize I skipped yesterday's blog entry. I feel awful about it, honestly I do. And to show you how bad I feel, I'm going to punish myself by showing you this:

Yes, that is indeed me . Actually, I'm not really embarassed by that--I was kind of a cute kid. If I want to punish myself, I should show you this:

Not enough for you yet? Still haven't forgiven me? Well, try this one on for size:

And, just for shits and giggles a glimpse into my future:

That is all. I'll try not to let you down again.

2006-10-19T05:02:00.000-04:00

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
BROADWAY'S LEAST POPULAR MUSICALS

One Night with Bronson Pinchot

Restraining Order!

Les Muffdiverables

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamthong

Thoroughly Palsy-Ridden Millie

Anything Goes (Other Than Ass-Play)

Jesus Christ Relatively Obscure Character Actor

A Man, A Woman, A Dutch Oven

Twyla Tharp presents Down Boys: the Songs of Warrant

The Houston 500*

Seven Mail-Order Brides for Seven Computer Programming Brothers

Ku Klux Kismet

A Bunch of Gay Guys Pretending to be in Love with a Bunch of Annoyingly Cheery Women

142nd St.

* If you don't get this reference, google it--but not from work!

2006-10-18T00:36:00.000-04:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
LUCKY STAR

As I'm sure you've heard, Madonna's new African baby arrived in London yesterday and was scooped up into the loving arms of a paid employee--and not a moment too soon, as the nation of Malawi has a well-known "30 minutes or it's free" delivery policy. Madonna wasn't at the airport, but she did manage to tour the orphanage and judged young David Banda the cutest (and, therefore, most worthy of a future). I've seen pictures of this kid and not only is he cute as the dickens, he looks fabulous with Madge's new zebra print halter top! To those of you who would question her motives, I would remind you that we are living in a African orphan world, and Madonna is an African orphan girl. Lest we forget, Madonna's true genius is in constantly re-inventing herself--it just so happens that this time out she's reinvented herself as Angelina Jolie's hairy-faced older sister.

Human rights activists are up in arms over the adoption, and they're right--we need to stop all of these financially secure celebrities from stealing kids out of these kick-ass orphanages! They're robbing these children of character-building experiences, like fighting over bowls of mushy rice and bedding down at night sandwiched between 300 of your best friends.

Look, does this whole scheme smell like a desperate attempt to remain socially relevant? Is Madonna a horse's ass? Yep. Should people get off her ass and let her adopt this baby anyway? Ab-so-lutely. If this kid was old enough to speak, I'm sure he'd say, "Listen, I'm fully aware that I'm a PR stunt. But I'm a PR stunt with a mink-lined playpen, fuckface!" Hell, Madonna could be bringing this kid on playdates with John Mark Karr and he'd still have won the lottery.

Opponents have claimed that Madonna was able to skirt Malawi's mandatory eighteen month residency law for prospective adoptive parents, and that if everyone was able to do that it could result in child trafficking rings. Um...yeah. Whatever one may think of Madonna, I think we can all agree that she's probably not selling children on the black market (I have the feeling Michael Musto might pick up on something like that). And it's not as if this is setting some rigid precedent--when some dude in sunglasses pulls his windowless van up to the orphanage, I don't see the government of Malawi saying, "Well...we let Madonna do it, so load 'em on up, I guess!"

So let Madonna or any other huge celebrity go ahead and adopt a Third World baby without a waiting period--lord knows the kids' lives are going to be better for it. And it's unlikely to lead to some sort of nefarious bumrush on the world's orphanages. But this sort of fast-tracking should be reserved only for stars with genuine staying-power. If we start handing these kids out to the Tara Reids and Wilmer Valderramas of the world, it'll only be the matter of a year or two before they find themselves back in abject poverty.

2006-10-16T01:27:00.000-04:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
"TWO FOR FLINCHING" FEVER...CATCH IT!

As you may know, Two For Flinching, my debut stand up CD for Comedy Central Records, is being released a week from tomorrow (Tuesday October 24th). I know you're desperate to buy a copy for yourself--not to mention copies for your friends, family, co-workers, recent one-night stands, manicurists, defense attorneys, black market internal organ harvesters and creepy MySpace stalkers. Well, I've got some good news for you: you can pre-order a copy of Two For Flinching this very moment! No need to wait for "The Man" to give you permission--strike back at the status quo buy giving your money to Viacom (and me)!

Seriously, I don't want to be too grandiose about this, but here's the deal: every person who pre-orders a copy of Two For Flinching will achieve fame, financial independence and unyielding sexual gratification. I swear this is true.

For those of you in or around New York City, it gets even better: on Monday, October 23rd, I will be performing a full 45 minute set at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction to celebrate the CD's release. That's right, forty-five full minutes of chicanery, hijinks and heartfelt advice regarding matters of social import. The show will be hosted by the wondrous Nick Kroll, and here's an extra enticement: you;re also invited to a post-show reception where I'll be signing copies of Two For Flinching. And I'm not talking some bland "All the best, Christian" shit--I'm talking about signing your newly-purchased CD in a way that is both personal and potentially insulting! How can you possibly resist?

Here are the show details:

A Night With Christian Finnegan and His Spectacular New Compact Disk Of Life-Altering Stand-Up Comedy

Monday, October 23rd
8:30pm
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (b. 2nd and 3rd st.)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 777-5660
$6.00

So if you're in or around NYC next monday night, I'd be honored if you'd help me celebrate the biggest moment of my professional career, the release of my very first CD. If you're not in the New York area or you're in the throes of some viciously infectious disease, go ahead and pre-order your copy of Two for Flinching online. Do it and I'll be your BFF!

As always, I thank you for your continued support.

2006-10-13T18:20:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
FINE PRINT INDEED

There's a little mini-interview with me in this weekend's Metro (you know, that free newspaper you see littering the streets of major American cities, like Boston, New York and Philly?). Please bask in the important details of what constitutes a typical Christian Finnegan weekend.

2006-10-12T01:39:00.000-04:00

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
UP FROM THE ARCHIVES!

I'm insanely busy this week, so I thought I'd entertain you with a blast from the Tower of Hubris past. This entry comes from 2003 and I still think it's a humdinger of an idea. If anyone knows anybody in the videogame racket, tell 'em to give me a call!

Anyhoo...

HISTORIKAL KOMBAT

As I've mentioned before on this page, I'm a bit of a Playsation buff. And by "Playstation buff", I mean: complete dork. I was thinking that there should be a brutal fighting game (a la Mortal Kombat, Tekken, etc) that pits various historical figures against each other. I am in no way joking about this--I genuinely think it would be cool. It wouldn't surprise me at all if the idea has already been trademarked. After all, think about it: Mussolini vs. Marcus Aurelius! Cleopatra vs. Ben Franklin! Malcolm X vs. The Lindberg Baby! Of course, each historical figure would have to his his/her own "Special Move". For those of you who are unfamiliar with the fighting game millieu, every character has its own wacky maneuver which, if triggered at the right time, will devastate the other character. So, by pushing a complicated combination of buttons, you can make your character shoot a big blue fireball, perform a brutal spinning head kick, or rip out your opponent's spine. Well, with history, the possibilites for special moves are endless. And you could just keep putting out new editions of the game, with different characters. Here are some ideas for viable historical figures, along with what they're Special Moves might be:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Special Move: The Emancipator
Taking advantage of his rumored Marfan Syndrome (aka Gigantism), Lincoln's hands suddenly become freakishly large and he fatally boxes his opponent's ears.

MAXIMILIEN ROBESPIERRE
Special Move: Le Judgement
His opponent weakened, Robespierre pull a guillotine out of his powdered wig and swfitly executes his rival, declaring him an enemy of progress.

MOTHER TERESA
Special Move: The Calcutter
Swinging her rosary beads with blinding speed and deadly accuracy, Mother Teresa eviscerates her opponent, spilling his guts out onto the arena floor.

KARL MARX
Special Move: The Historical Inevitibility
Marx rips his bourgeois opponent into tousands of tiny, perfectly equal parts. He then sweeps up the pieces and deposits them into the "Dustbin of History".

GENGHIS KHAN
Special Move: The Mongolian Barbecue
Khan douses his opponent with oil and then roasts him alive on a rotating cast iron grill, which he pulls out of his beard.

BETSY ROSS
Special Move: Knitting Needles of Fury
In a burst of staggeringly violent knitting, Betsy leaves her opponent riddled with gaping, star-shaped holes.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Special Move: A Midsummer Night's Brutality
Quill in hand, Shakespeare carves out his opponent's heart while simultaneously composing a sonnet in his honor.

ROSA PARKS
Special Move: The Back (of the) Buster
After weakening her opponent with her cane, Rosa lifts her opponent high above her head and breaks his spine across her knee.

PYTOR ILYICH TCHAIKOVSKY
Special Move: The Nutcracker
Self-explanatory.

CALIGULA
Special Move: The Equestrian
His opponent disoriented, Caligula begins fellating a horse. The opposing fighter is so disgusted, he vomits up his own internal organs.

MOHANDUS "MAHATMA" GHANDI
Special Move: The Hunger Strike
Emaciated and insane with hunger, Gandhi pounces on his opponent and begins tearing off hunks of flesh with his teeth.

PABLO PICASSO
Special Move: The Blue Period
A vicious chokehold, wherein Picasso gets his pudgy croissant fingers around the opposing fighter's neck and squeezes until his face turns blue and his head pops like a zit. (Alternate Special Move: The Guernica--a pummelling so fierce, the opponent ends up with both eyes on the same side of his face.)

PLATO
Special Move: The Republicizer
This is basically just a kick to the face while simultaneously having sex with a young boy.

JOHN MERRICK (aka The Elephant Man)
Special Move: The Not-An-Animalizer
Merrick unleashes a tale of woe so heart-wrenching, the opponent begins sobbing uncontrollably. It is at this point that Merrick attacks and brutally headbutts him to death.

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER
Special Move: The Butter Substitute
Carver batters opponent with...um...low cholesteral...? Okay, this one sucks.

2006-10-10T23:59:00.000-04:00

THREE DAYS AND COUNTING!!!

This is just a quick update to let you know that Robin Williams' Man of the Year, the sure-to-be-the-most-hilarious-and-socially-relevant film of this young century, drops this Friday! Get out your fucking lawn chairs and save your place in line outside the multiplex!!! Already, predictions are being made and wagers taken up:

* Will Robin break out his hilarious and oh-so-timely Southern evangelist imitation? (Yes)

* What about his even more hilarious swishy queen character? Will we get a taste of that? (You betcha)

* How far into the movie before Robin breaks into his spot-on "black guy" voice? (4 minutes, 22 seconds)

* Will that voice resemble any real-life black person I've encountered over the past 25 years? (Nope. He'll be a baritone Black Panther dude who bellows stuff like 'What it 'tis, ma brutha!")

* Might the film conclude with sort of lazy and self-congratulatory exhoration to ""be honest", "put people before politics", or "be good to each other"?!! (Magic 8-Ball says odds are good)

* When Robin Williams delivers this big social message in the final ten minutes of the film, will he lean forward on the oval office desk? Will he clasp his hands penitently? Will he purse his lips and speak in clipped words as a way of showing that playtime is over and it's time to get all poignant and shit?!! (One can only hope)

And most importantly:

* How awkward will it be when you try to explain to your crestfallen parents and office co-workers why you don't find Robin Williams entertaining?

Only you can answer that one, my friend.

Man of the Year, this Friday, October 13th! Don't miss it!!!!

2006-10-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
HIT ME. NO, SERIOUSLY--HIT ME.

I'm about to wrap up a six day college swing through Michigan, Illinois and finally Missouri. If there is anyone out there think this sounds glamorous, please stop by my apartment tomorrow so I can punch you in the face. Here's a glamorous situation for you: preparing to do an hour of sexually explicit and liberal elitist comedy material for 700 people at a "family weekend" concert in rural Illinois. I've done plenty of "family weekend" shows, which are always awkward, but this one took the cake--literally everyone from grandparents in USA sweatshirts to five year old girls in pigtails. Needless to say, my dickhole-stabbing joke destroyed! Anyway, it's mostly been a pleasant trip but I'm dying to get home...for 44 hours, at which time I leave for another trip. Sigh.

On the upside, I'm writing to you from the Casino Queen Hotel in East St. Louis, an area world-reknown for it's poverty and squalor. I had no show last night and St. Louis is right on the way from Edwardsville, IL (where I was Saturday night) and Cape Girardeau, MO (where I'll be tonight). I always jump at the chance to get to a casino, maybe because there aren't any in or around NYC. I've been to Harrah's here in St. Louis at least three times, as I find myself passing through here quite a bit the past couple of years. But this time out I wanted a scuzzier experience, and what can I say--the Casino Queen more than delivers! This place is what you might call "extremely ghetto", if you were the kind of douche-y white person who misappropriates terms like "ghetto". The buildings are decrepit, mysterious stains decorate the hideously patterened carpet, and the buffet features a big discount bottle of supermarket-brand salad dressing you just pick up and squeeze yourself. I wasn't really bothered by any of this--I was more upset that I missed the Rod Stewart tribute by one day!

I'll be leaving the Casino Queen in about half an hour with $404 of its money. In fact, this is the second time in less than a month that I will have won a substantial amount of money at a blackjack table (I won $500 a few weeks ago). And here's the sad thing: I'm ten times as proud of the relatively small amount of money I've made gambling than all the money I've legitimately earned on this batch of college shows. Passing through the hotel lobby on my way back up to my room this morning, I couldn't help but look at the desk people and think, "You people are paying me to stay in your hotel! You're paying me to sleep in your bed! You're PAYING me to shit in your toilet! SUCK IT!!!" It's this kind of thinking that creates gambling addictions, I suspect.

Time to get back in my rental car...paid for by The Casino Queen, muthafucka!

2006-10-07T02:14:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
IT'S TOO LATE...I'VE SEEN IT ALL

Here is perhaps my favorite 4:09 minutes in recent television history. It's a clip from Ricky Gervais' show "Extras" and it is undisputable proof that Patrick Stewart is an unheralded comic genius. Absolute perfection.

Anyway, enjoy.

(Thanks to Chris Regan for a heads-up on the link.)

2006-10-05T19:46:00.000-04:00

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
CONSTELLATIONS: I CALL BULLSHIT

That's right, you read the subject heading correctly--I'm oficially calling 'bullshit' on planetary constellations. Big Dipper? Okay, I'll give you that one. Little Dipper? Iffy at best, but fine. But the rest of them, Ursa Minor and all that nonsense? Sorry Poindexter, I don't buy it. Oh sure, people try to show point them out. "See? Right up there, slightly northwest of Saturn? There's the hunter...and there's his quiver of arrows...and he's riding a steed...?" And all I can think is, "Dude, there's only five fucking stars there." You're filling in some serious gaps. "See? Right up there--it's a giant crab, eating soup!" No, I don't see it.

And you know what else is bullshit? Fresh mozarella. You know, that taste-free white gourmet nastiness? I'm not saying fresh mozarella doesn't exist, mind you--I'm not crazy or nothin'. But I think it's time we all admit that fresh mozarella is a friggin' bust. Time and time again I'll be perusing some restaurant menu and I'll get all excited. "Ooo, fresh mozarealla and tomato salad! That sounds delicious--and classy! Thank god I'm not one of those philistines whoscarfs down un-fresh mozarella!" It's only once I'm chewing a bland slab of gentrified turd that I realize that I've once again been had. I'll take Cheez Whiz any day.

This is Andy Rooney, signing off.

2006-10-04T00:20:00.000-04:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY/WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY hybrid:
CURRENT HOUSE MEMBERS WITH SKELETONS MORE DISTURBING THAN MARK FOLEY'S

REP. KEN CALVERT (CA, 44th Dist.): Recently caught masturbating at the Vietnam Memorial.

REP. LANE EVANS (IL, 17th Dist.): Plays online Scrabble with Ayman Al-Zawahiri.

REP. VERNON J. EHLERS (MI, 3rd Dist.): In 1987, had one-nighter with Terri Schiavo. Never called.

REP. ROBERT E. "BUD" CRAMER (AL, 5th Dist.): Has memorized the entire libretto of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Starlight Express"--in GERMAN!

REP. DARLENE HOOLEY (OR, 5th Dist.): Upon hiring, forces each and every campaign staffer to "earn his Red Wings".

REP. EDOLPHUS TOWNS (NY, 10th Dist.): Worships the Golden Calf.

REP. TAMMY BALDWIN (WI, 2nd Dist.): Title of her college thesis? "The Case Against Retards".

REP. HAROLD ROGERS (KY, 5th Dist.): Has been overheard describing marital relations with his wife as a "sexual Auschwitz".

REP. WAYNE GILCHREST (MD, 1st Dist.): Using binoculars to look through your bedrom window at this very moment.

REP. DOC HASTINGS (WA, 4th Dist.): Cockfighting enthusiast.

REP. MARCY KAPTUR (OH, 9th Dist.): Needs fifty dollars to make you holler.

REP. NICK RAHALL (WV, 3rd Dist.): Lives in West Virginia.

2006-10-02T11:35:00.000-04:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
THE IMPROPER BOSTONIAN, Pt. II: The Bail-Out!

So in last week's "Self-Analysis Monday" entry, I concluded by saying I'd pick up the saga of my first trip back to my hometown-ish Boston, MA as a bonafide professional comedian. Well, a full week has led me to the conclusiuon that this story ain't all that interesting. So on today's "Self-Analysis Monday", a day I plan on devoting autobiographical vignettes and ruminatios on all of my frustrating and peculiar personality quirks, I will make this very bold declaration: whenever I end a blog entry with a promise to pick up the story at a later date, chances are pretty damn good I'll end up punking out. You, as a potentially faithful Tower of Hubris reader deserve to know that. Seriously, in this one area I am completely and utterly full of shit.

Just to not be a complete liar, here is the rest of my Boston weekend in a nutshell: I did four shows, one of which was awful and one of which was probably in my top ten of all time (the other two were solid, but unremarkable). A bunch of people from my hometown showed up--some expected, some not. A bunch of my relatives showed up to the really great show, which was a relief (Christmas this year would have felt a bit awkward if they'd seen the show where the mic kept shorting out). For the late show Saturday night (solid but unremarkable), a gaggle of the "popular" kids from my jr. high/high school were there. They weren't necessarily the douchebags who made my childhood miserable (well, maybe one or two of them), but they were most certainly friends with said douchebags. I was dismayed to discover that the years had turned them into downright likeable human beings (even Christina Watkins, who apparently I insulted by name on a VH1 show called My Coolest Years a couple of years back--sorry, Christina!). Or maybe they were always fine human beings and I just have a persecuation complex. Split the difference, I suppose. The bottom line is, I'm against this personal growth thing. Douchebags should remain douchebags--it makes life less complicated.

So I guess I continued "The Improper Bostonian" after all, albeit perfunctorily. Seriously though, the next time I end a blog entry with "to be continued", roll your eyes and give your monitor the finger.

2006-09-30T13:28:00.000-04:00

WELCOME TO THIS VERY SPECIAL WEEKEND UPDATE!

Look, there are newsletters and there are newsletters. This one is the real f'in deal, peoples.

Contained herein:

Details about Two For Flinching, my debut CD to be released by Comedy Central Records on October 24th;
Announcement of the "Name My CD" contest winner, as well as the announcement of a new Finny-related contest;
A brief report on the 2006 Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal;
and more!

Yeah, you heard me right: MORE!

If you don't read this newsletter, you must be some kind of dick!

2006-09-29T03:13:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
I HAVE FRIENDS, Pt. I

Look, I have friends. No seriously, I do. And many of them exist in this glorious realm known as Cyberspace. Let's meet a few of them, shall we?

Adam Felber, the creator of Fanatical Apathy, has a new novel out ("Shrodinger's Ball") that got a sterling review in The New York Times. You should pay him lots of attention because he's important and shit.

"Happy Cruelty Day", the book written by Girls are Pretty curator Bob Powers, won't be out until March 2007. That gives you plenty to check out his website and wonder what Bob's fucking problem is.

The last in my trio of authorial-type friends is Chris Regan. He was a writer for The Daily Show, one of the co-writers of America the Book, and now he's in the process of turning his fantastic news website This Day in Mythstory into a volume of its own.

Speaking of great writers, check out Todd Levin's Tremble.com. He's so good I kind of hate him a little bit. Dick.

Check out RobPRocks, the website of comedian/songwriter/all-around swell guy Rob Paravonian. Of particular interest: "Life as a Comic", a videoblog that gives you a fly-on-the-wall look at what a comedian's life is really like.

And I'd probably be severely beaten by my lovely wife if I failed to mention that she is the creator of not one, but two fantastic websites. One is Daily Dose, where she tells fun little NYC-related anecdotes, talks shop (did I mention she was recently hured as the PR Director for Comix?), and occasionally gives away free tickets to all sorts of great shows. The other website is Love, Daddy: Letters From My Jailed Deaf Dad. I believe this one speaks for itself. Check it out and shake your head in disbelief at the fact that it's all 100% true.

I suppose that's enough for now. But I have more friends (honestly, I do!) and they all have great websites, so I'll be pimping them down the road.

2006-09-28T11:49:00.000-04:00

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY CANNOT BE OVERSTATED

Yesterday I saw a dude who had completely shaved his head yet still wore a full beard (kind of like the first two fellas on this rather odd webpage). I don't approve of this look. The beard always looks phony--like something you might find in the Halloween aisle at KMart. Goatees are perfectly acceptable, despite being a tad out of date--in fact, goatees probably contributes to the general bad-assedness that dudes who shave their heads are going for. And moustaches are fine, especially if you're a gay man in his forties. But full beards just look downright silly. I think it's the temples/sideburns area, the way the hair just startsall the sudden. I'm sorry, but sideburns have to emerge from something, to flow forth from somewhere. They can't just stand alone on the upper face--it defies nature! That would be like me shaving all the pubes above my johnson, but leaving a bushy testicular 'fro.

Or maybe it's not. One thing is for sure, though: I just creeped myself out.

2006-09-27T10:23:00.000-04:00

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY
THIS COLLEGE SEMESTER'S MOST FREQUENTLY DROPPED COURSES

History of the Thermostat, 1950 to Present

Race, Class, Gender and Quizno's

Musical Traditions of Manchester, New Hampshire

Fryolater Tech III

Cognitive Assessment of Wilmer Valderrama's "Yo Mama"

Brunch Studies 301: The Restoration

Introduction to Your Teacher's Assistant's Off-Campus Apartment and Genitalia

Ecology and the Music of Rush

Origins of the Cargo Pant

Practicum in Post-Colonial Buttfucking

2006-09-26T11:49:00.000-04:00

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
THE CARDS NEVER LIE!

As you may have heard, it turns out Miss Cleo is a purveyor of the Sapphic arts. Like many, I was shocked--who knew my $3.99 a minute was going toward Marlene Dietrich posters and rare import Phranc bootlegs? Miss Cleo vows to contonue her psychic readings, only instead of tarot cards she'll now be reading WNBA ticket stubs. And instead of the traitional crystal ball, Miss Cleo will be gazing into a regulation softball.

Regardless, this story should serve as an inspiration to every young girl out there who dreams of one day becoming a shameless scam artist, robbing poor people of their life's savings with cruel promises of love and prosperity...but thinks that dream is unavailable to her simply because she enjoys eating pussy.

2006-09-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
THE IMPROPER BOSTONIAN, Pt. I

This past weekend I headlined The Comedy Connection in my hometown of Boston for the first time. I call Boston my hometown because, as far as I know, The Improv has yet to open up a branch in Acton, Massachusetts. Having moved to NYC when I eighteen, I was never a part of the rather established Boston comedy scene. Boston is perhaps the biggest comedy petri dish in the world--it may not be where everyone ends up, but a large percentage of the "greats" started here and many still remain. Seriously, ask around and you'll discover that something like one out of every three working (or aspiring) comics in this country grew up in the Massachusetts area. I have some theories as to why this may be, but that's for another blog entry. Anyway, Boston has such an established scene, they don't really need (or want) to bring in "headliners" like, say, Tampa does. So other than a few colleges and a couple of short spots at The Comedy Studio, this was really my first opportunity to "play Boston" and I jumped at the chance. The weekend had a number of high points and a few insanely awkward points. Here's a brief rundown of a rather surreal three days.

I got in on Thursday afternoon and almost immediately went to promote the show on Backstage with Barry Nolan. Barry Nolan is a guy you might recognize from "Extra" or "Hard Copy", and when I was a kid he used to host a Boston-area show called "Evening Magazine". Now he's back in Boston hosting this local cable show. When you're a kid, you have no concept of difference between local and network TV, so in my mind Barry Nolan was as big a star as Tom Selleck or Mr. T. So it was bizarre meeting him in person and even stranger to have him pretend to give a crap about whatever nonsense was coming out of my mouth.

That night I performed at Kowloon, a massive chinese restaurant in Saugus, MA, which is about ten physical miles and 10,000 cultural miles from downtown Boston. Saugus is the kind of place where middle aged women still sport Bon Jovi hairdos and use words like "retarded" and "queer" (pronounced "ree-TAH-did" and "KWEE-yah"). It sounds like a potentially rowdy crowd, and it might have been, if there were more than seventeen of them. In a room that sat about 300. Ouchie! Naturally, being my first real Boston show, this was a major kick in the spiritual nads. To make it even more awkward, an old friend of mine from high school was there (she'd emailed me earlier in the week to make sure the show wasn't sold out. Oof.) And the piece de resistance: there was some sort of high school dance going on in the room next door, so every time a waiter would enter or leave the showroom, we'd be bathed in the soothing sounds of the Ying Yang Twins. It was just about as close as you can come to a Spinal Tap moment in the comedy world. And yet, despite all of this, I hactually had a fun time--it's pretty hard to take yourself too seriously in a situation like that. It was one of those nights where I would have been better served to throw out all my material and just do crowdwork, as the seventeen people who were there were all really fun and lively people, Bon Jovi hair notwithstanding.

The next morning I went and did a couple of radio interviews, which is par for the course when you're doing "the road". The first was WZLX, a classic rock station I used to listen to a quite a bit in junior high school--I begged the DJs to "get the Led out", but they refused. Then I went over to a station called WROR, which is kind of one of those "soft hits" stations that you associate with insurance company cubicles. The DJs, "Loren and Wally" have been around forever, to the extent that i remember kind of making fun of them when I was a kid (granted I was, at the time, a moronic Dokken-loving pre-teen). So just as with Barry Nolan, I found myself shaking my head at the peculiarity of the situation. Interestingly, I had a great time on WROR, bantering with the genial chaps in between James Blunt and Kenny Loggins tunes. Part of me loves the idea of some human resources woman heading out to the comedy club to see that polite young man she heard on Loren and Wally, only to be confronted by my thoughts on teabagging and dickhole-stabbing.

Okay, this blog entry is sprialing out of control. I will continue my Boston update on next week's "Self-Analysis Monday". In the meantime, more nonsense.

2006-09-22T00:24:00.000-04:00

CASUAL FRIDAY:
ART APPRECIATION

Good day, fans of high culture! I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to two of my favorite artists:

Brandon Bird

and...

Larry Van Pelt

Take a look around their respective sites. As you might imagine, I enjoy them for vastly different reasons.

2006-09-21T15:49:00.000-04:00

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
DISTRESS SIGNALS

This is sort of a continuation of what I was writing at the tail end of Monday's entry.

I haven't been suckered into any bad-ass sportcoats, but I will admit to buying a few pairs of ridiculously overpriced jeans. At first I couldn't understand how jeans that were in such poor condition could cost so much. But then I was informed that, depsite appearances, said dungarees are not ripped or frayed--they are "distressed". My guess is, "distressing" is a process where a pair of jeans is given an AIDS test and then, two weeks later, asked to come in to the office to "discuss the results". It's all pretty ridiculous and I am absolutely a hypocrite for going ahead and buying into it.

I don't mind the idea of jeans looking faded and a bit tattered but I think the wear and tear marks should, at least, mimic the kinds of wear and tear one might acquire in real life. Faded around the knees? Perfectly understandable. Frayed down by the heel? Fine and dandy. But a four inch rip in the middle of your shin? That's fucking inane. I saw one pair that featured corresponding extreme fade marks on the outside of the thighs. Other than sliding down chimneys, how exactly would your pants ever come to be abused in this particular way? I'm guessing the model name for this particular pair of jeans would be "Low-Rise Hipster Santa Claus Boot-Cut". And I'm a complete hypocrite, because I purchased the most ridiculous pair of all. I own a pair of jeans with fifteen to twenty 3" circular wear-and-tear marks distributed evenly across the thighs and shins. I can't explain it--this beefy Queens sales guido told me they were cool and I was too intimidated to put them back on the shelf. I paid $130 of my hard-earned money to not offend a guy wearing a spandex muscle shirt. On the upside, I now have a pair of pants that makes it look like I have large powder blue measels.

I imagine the whole concept of distressed jeans must be a real slap in the face to the Indonesian pre-teens who are making the garments in the first place. "So let me get this straight," thinks young Ramelan*, "Americans like wearing jeans that are faded and torn? They actually want them that way? And they'll spend upwards of $200 for them?! Um...does anyone want to buy my jeans? Because they're plenty fucking "distressed"! Are these idiots for real?! Screw this, I'm out of here! Oh, right--I'm chained to my sewing machine. (sigh) Okay America, I'll make your silly pants...but I'm going to make them look as ridiculous as possible. Enjoy your faggoty-ass dungarees, Hipster Santa Claus!"

* Yes, I googled "Indonesian baby names". It's called cultural sensitivity, people.