TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
WILLIE NELSON, THE ANTI-ANTI-DRUG

Listen, I have something to say to all of the kids out there: don't do drugs. No matter what you're friends tell you, getting involved with drugs will absolutely not make you look cool.

Unless you're a 73 year old musical legend! Try and tell me that Willie Nelson is not the greatest human being on the face of the earth. Nope, you can't do it. What's more lovable than the image of a bunch of elderly dudes tooling around the country in a tour bus fueled by french fry grease, sitting around jamming and getting baked? I'll tell you what: those same elderly dudes on that same tour bus, blitzed out of their minds on 'shrooms. This scenario "reality Show Gold" written all over it, but apparently the Man has a problem with a bunch of groovy oldsters trying to communicate with their spirit guides. Has Willie Nelson not earned the right to have us look the other way every once in a while? Thanks a lot, Officer Buzzkill--you've officially harshed a very mellow man's mellow.

I've never actually done real drugs before. Sure I've smoked pot a number of times, but I'm not a particularly good stoner. I'm willing to bet that when Willie smokes up, he doesn't lock himself in the bathroom because he's afraid no one at the party thought his "Knight Rider" reference was funny. I most certainly have certainly never done anything kooky like mushrooms. This, despite the fact that I was, during my restless teen underachiever years, accused of being a drug addict on a regular basis by my teachers and parents (a quote from my mother: "What are you on? Blue-ies? Green-ies?! RED-IES?!!"). But no, I'm a big square when it comes to that stuff. If I was going to become a bonafide druggie, though, mushrooms is definitely where I'd start--after all, they like "totally come from the Earth, man". Still, I doubt I could ever hang with Willie and his gang of septuagenarian hallucinators. While they sat around reminiscing about "that night in Muskeegee back in '77", I'd be licking the upholstery and trying to cram my head through the hole in Willie's acoustic guitar.

Still, if your'e reading this Willie (and I suspect he is, since rumor has it that Willie Nelson is an obsessive self-Googler), I hope you'll consider taking me out on the road for a few days. I promise not to narc and I'll do my best not to ask you what you were thinking with that Julio Iglesias bullshit.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
WEIGHT! WEIGHT! I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO LOVE YOU

So I've lost some weight over the past few months (click here for further video evidence). To answer a quick couple of questions, 1) No, I did not have gastric bypass surgery, and 2) I don't have a "secret", other than learning how to reconcile myself with hating life. Since January, I guess I've taken off somewhere in the range of 70 pounds. I've never discussed it on stage because...well, it's not funny.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about this de-fattening, but what's there to laugh at, really? Ten months from now, when I go on a KFC bender and gain all the weight back? That will be hilarious. Until then, I'm sort of in comedy limbo. You see, there's nothing less funny than actual accomplishment. See? Even that last sentence probably caused you to bristle a bit. "Ooh, you achieved something? Whoopdee freakin' do, you self-satisfied jackhole!"

Maybe it's a reflection on how I see the world, but the whole situation makes me feel unspeakably awkward. Every time someone says something complimentary, no matter how much I appreciate the gesture, I can't help but imagine that anyone overhearing the conversation is thinking, "Man, what a fucking tool." That's okay, though--people mocked at Joe Piscopo when he got into shape, and look at him! He's still hilarious!!!

Oh, wait. Shit.

Anyway, I've become something of a silly queen since my physical re-alignment. Yes, I was forced to get rid of my entire wardrobe, which necessitated a good bit of shopping. But the truth is...and I have a truly difficult time saying this...I've been enjoying it. You have to understand, for the past ten or so years I've shopped exclusively at a small boutique specializing in antique military apparel (you may know it as Old Navy). Either that or I'd go to The Gap and hope to find an XXL generous enough to conceal my man-teats. But now I can walk into petty much any store out there and pose in front of the mirror like a gen-u-ine metrosexual. It's a new me, I tell you. A new, unlikeable me.

By the way, I've been noticing a rather bizarre fashion trend lately: the Badassification of Functional Garments. It seems that the nouveau thing in Hipsterwear is silkscreening some gothic and/or violent design onto a nondescript piece of business casual. I'm sure you've seen it--normal green polo shirts that, for some reason, feature winged demons, pentagrams and severed limbs? I don't know how the trend got started but it's great news for me, as I'm constantly trying to reconcile my love of 100% cotton pull-overs with the teachings of Anton LaVey. Lords know how many times I've been shopping at Brooks Brothers thinking, "Man, I love that powder blue button-down. If only I could simultaneously convey the image of a gargoyle buttfucking a nun..."

I guess this is just all part of the internal negotiation a guy goes through when he finally admits that the band is breaking up and that it's time to get a real job. "Look, I'll wear your stupid blazer, Mr. Goldman Sachs! But no one is going to deny me my love of broadswords and large-breasted vampiresses!"

Or maybe I still have a bit to learn about fashion.

CASUAL FRIDAY:
I HEART JANICE

So my friend Todd sent me this wonderful link, and it fills me with delight. Now I know it might seem a bit lazy to just post a link to a silly viral video that's probably already made the e-rounds. But that, my friends, is why we're calling it "Casual Friday".

Viva You Tube.

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
POLE POSITION

I've always admired Olympians. So much dedication, so little payoff. Sure, I'm dedicated to stand up comedy, but let's be real here--my "dedication" allows me to get away with being drunk one third of the time. But when you're training for the Olympics, you're up at dawn every day, eating right, savaging your body. And for what? A Wheaties box? Maybe a four minute interview on "Regis & Kelly"? That hardly seems worth all the time and effort. And that's just the chosen few in the "glamour" events--figure skating, the decathalon, synchronized pommel horse tossing. But what about the rest of the poor souls who've devoted their lives to The Games? What's America's fifth best pole vaulter up to these days? Temping, I suspect. Seriously, if you're consdiering pursuing a career in pole vaulting, learn how to use Powerpoint.

How did pole vaulting get started? How does one even discover he's good at it? There are no pole vaulting Little Leagues. Dad never takes you out into the backyard and flings your shit over the hedges. I'm willing to wager the fifty best pole vaulters in the world are not even aware of it--they're just working in construction, completely unaware they're sitting on wellspring of useless potential. Until, one day, some dude is carrying a length of pipe across a construction site, he trips, and up he goes. "Holy shit," the poor soul thinks, "I could have been a pole vaulter."

But perhaps he's lucky--like I said, there's not much of a future there. Eventually he's going to have to let the dream die and apply for a real job and, sadly, pole vaulting is not exactly a "resume builder". He's never going to flip through the Classifieds and stumble upon a listing that reads, "HIGH POWERED POSITION IN CORPORATE FINANCE FIRM. $200G PLUS COMPANY CAR. ELEVATOR BROKEN; PLEASE ENTER DIRECTLY AT THIRD FLOOR". Bascally, one's only hope as a former pole vaulter is to find a university gig and try to convince other deluded youngsters that they should devote their lives to learnng how to run fast while carrying a long, bendy stick.

This, by the way, is not unlike the scam run by most acting teachers.

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
WORLD'S LEAST REPUTABLE CHARITY EVENTS

Massage for a Cure

The Concert for Nantucket

The NAMBLA Interfaith Water Balloon Toss and Texas Chili Cook-Off

Spinabifida Raps!

The National Tourette's Syndrome Foundation Silent Auction

An All-Star Salute to Scott Peterson

Adopt-a-Gay-Bathhouse High Society Ball

The Ayman Al-Zawahiri Invitational Golf Classic

Fingerpopalooza 2006

Operation Rescue presents: An Evening with Josh Groban

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
YOU'RE DOING FINE, OKLAHOMA!

There is a major cultural battle afoot in Snyder, Oklahoma, a town best known for...well something, I'm sure. This past week, town sheriff Tod (leave off the extra "D" for savings!) Ozmun was forced to resign amid a barrage of public criticism. It seems his wife Doris got bored and posted some nude photos of herself on the web. Now I know what you're thinking: sounds perfectly harmless, right? In fact, it sounds downright intriguing. Hell if you're a guy, this scenario may conjure up some sort of "horny housewife"/"law enforcement" type fantasy. You're probably envisioning Doris this very moment, basing her on your favorite childhood archetyopes--me, I immediately went to Heather Locklear circa T.J. Hooker. At first glance, this looks like a witch hunt. So this young lady decided to put on a little boobie show--so what? What kind of Puritanical, shithole town would punish a man because his wife showed the decency to share her yabbos on the privacy of the world Wide Web?! How DARE you, Snyder, OK?!!

Well before you call the ACLU or start up an online petition, perhaps you should read the article and meet Ms. Ozmun personally.

Feel a bit different now, don't you? It's okay to admit it, fellas--we're all a bit shallow. I'll be honest: I feel shitty discussing this poor woman's looks in a public forum, but 1) I'm sure if she's self-googling, this site is pretty far down the rather extensive list of "sheriff+wife+nude" search requests and 2) anyone who posts nekkid photos of herself in a public forum is pretty much inviting reviews.

Anyway, I'm now pretty firmly on the side of the townsfolk of Snyder. They're being miscast as anti-sex crusaders when it's quite possible that they, as a citizenry, are simply skeeved out. For you and I, this is just a blip on the news radar. But the average Snyder-ite is forced to bump into Doris Ozmun on a regular basis--at the supermarket, at the free clinic, at the monster truck rally. And every time he does, he will inevitably conjure up an image of her naked. Try looking at her picture again--you're picturing her naked aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!! No? well, how about NOW?! Not too pleasant, eh? Now imagine sharing a Red Lobster salad bar with her.

Let's not judge the people of Snyder, Oklahoma too harshly, mm-kay?

CASUAL FRIDAY:
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD...

Here is a picture taken this past Spring outside of a relatively shitty restauarant next door to my relatively shitty hotel in relatively shitty Hartford, CT. I believe this picture says all there is to say about the perils of show business:



Breathtaking, is it not? Obviously, this theatrical extravaganza is a poor man's "Tony & Tina's Wedding" made all the more pathetic when you consider that "Tony & Tina" ain't all that expensive. Despite my being there a good ten days before opening night, I immediately rushed into the The Chowder Pot IV (not to be confused with The Chowder Pot I - III), hoping against hope that "Joey and Maria's Comedy Wedding" was in previews. Alas, it was not to be and I was forced to endure my chewy swordfish and cheesy potato monstrosity while listening to your garden variety George Thorogood/Eddie Money soundtrack. If only...

At least I had the good sense to capture this glorious image of Man's inhumanity to Man on digital film. It's served as a source of genuine inspiration to me over the past few months--whenever I turn in a terrible set or lose out on a big career opportunity, I gaze at this photo and think to myself, "It most surely could be worse".

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
MAD HOPS, YO

Why does Corona have dibs on the whole lime-in-beer thing? Last week I asked a bartender to put a lime in my Brooklyn Lager and he acted like I asked him to fart into the bottle. Is there something specifically citrus-ready about Corona, or did they just call "Shotgun" on limes? And why aren't other beer companies staking claim to their own silly garnishes? Where's the vision, I ask you? From now on, whenever I order a Sam Adams I'm going to demand the bartender scrounges up a slice of mango. Henceforward, Bass Ale will be accompanied by a single barbecue spare rib (to be used as a swizzle stick). And Heineken? Best served with the fingernail of a homeless dude.

Oh, and I hear Budweiser is quite delicious when you mix in a little beer.

OOOH SHIT! THAT'S RIGHT, ANHEUSER-BUSCH! FACE!!! BETTER PUT SOME OINTMENT ON THAT BURN!

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
HISTORY'S LEAST POPULAR PIRATE NAMES

Captain Clogs

Peg Arm Pete

Perfectly Adequate John Silver

Abstinence Annie

Cap'n Thomas Aquinas

Reacharound Joe

Bell Jar Bill

Powerpoint Jack

Gentleman Jimmy Walker

Yellowteats

Enjoy this clip of Christian, Sherrod Small & Jessica St. Clair promoting Best Week Ever's 100th Episode on The Today Show this morning:

Is Superman Gay?

Christian Finnegan & Nick Kroll debate the facts in this clip from Best Week Ever called The Pop Culture Debate Club:

Christian heads to Montreal, Canada for The Just for Laughs International Comedy Festival, the largest comedy festival in the world.

Check him out at Bubbling with Laughter on the 17th & 18th at 9:30 PM. (Click here for more info.) On the 19th, he'll be performing in a Gala hosted by Craig Ferguson. (Click here for more info.) You can watch a video of him on the Late, Lates Show with Craig Ferguson by selecting "Video" from the Multimedia link above in the new fancy navigator.

Christian will perform in a host of other shows yet to be announced and will be conducting interviews and "reporting" for MySpace's comedy page. Check the official website for all the show details and look for updates here on the new and improved Tower of Hubris!

What Your Favorite Summer Movie Says About You

Watch Christian's commentary from last night's episode of Best Week Ever:

TiVO Alert for Tomorrow, July 13th
Christian will appear on Paula Zahn NOW airing on CNN from 8:00 - 9:00 PM EST.


UPDATE: CNN postponed the segment due to the crisis overseas. Whatever. If not knowing where Suri Cruise is isn't a crisis then I don't know what is!

MAC AD SPOOF
Christian Finnegan & Nick Kroll spoof the Mac Ads. Oh my, look how crazy geeky Christian looks as the PC. Incidentally, the PC in the real commercials is played by Finny's good friend John Hodgman.

This weekend Christian Finnegan will be in our great nation's capitol (Washington DC, for you non-Mensa members) to record his debut stand up comedy CD, produced and distributed by Comedy Central Records. Impressed? We thought so.

Come be a part of this historic occasion at the DC Improv located at 1140 Connecticut Ave., N.W. Street from July 6th 9th. Visit www.dcimprov.com or call (202) 296-7008 for show times, prices and to purchase advanced tickets.

Christian & I hope to see you all at the Improv this weekend. Thank you for playing!

Set your DVR to record the Today Show this Friday when Christian and two other Best Week Ever panelists go on to discuss the intricate goings-on of such culturally important events like:

Angelina Jolie's sit down with Anderson Cooper,
Connie Chung's unfortunate send off, and
I'm sure, Brittney's interview with Matt Lauer.

You won't want to miss this ground-breaking television event!

Christian was a guest blogger over at Punchline Magazine. Read his piece called "The Bad Set Decoder Ring" which decifers the true meaning behind those comments comics give each other after a show.

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANT SAYS ABOUT YOU

Last week, the folks at Best Week Ever asked me to compile a "Favorite American Idol Contestant" list, which is a version of the "What Your Purchases Say About You" segment I often do on the show, which (as the few longtime readers who still visit this site know) was inspired by the "What Your Favorite Album/Movie/Book Says About You" lists I used to write for TOH. Well, as is always the case when I do one of these BWE (that's my handy code for Best Week Ever) versions, they only ended up using four examples. So rather than just let 45 minutes of work go to waste, I've decided to post the full list, for your theoretical enjoyment.

Being that this list was written last week, it includes jettisoned d-bags Bucky Covington and Ace Young. The whole conceit of this list is a bit flawed, in that if you're a huge American Idol fan, you're already a certain kind of person no matter who your "fave" is. But perhaps it's still worth a chuckle of two.

So here's what you're saying about yourself, if your favorite conterstant is...


TAYLOR HICKS - "I have fond and tender memories of my 8th Grade Social Studies teacher."


CHRIS DAUGHTRY - "Boy, do I love rockers! Actual rock music? ...Not so much."


ELLIOTT YAMIN - "I pick my favorite American Idol contestants according to who looks most likely to sell me Ecstasy."

Alternate: "You know, the importance of dentistry in pop music is way overrated."


ACE YOUNG - "I'm less than one year away from getting my menses!"


BUCKY CONVINGTON - "Hey, person stuck behind me in traffic: enjoy my collection of racist and/or homophobic bumper stickers!"

Alternate: "You know, that reminds me--I need to stop and get gas."


KATHERINE McPHEE - "I've seen Les Miz fourteen times."

Alternate: "For a good time family vacation, you can't beat Branson, Missouri!"


KELLIE PICKLER - "We had to go into Iraq after what Saddam did to us on 9/11!"

Alternate: "GA-HILK!"


PARIS BENNETT - "You know, I'd be a big Mary J. Blige fan...if only she were freakishly perky."

Read All Things Me a newsletter of, by and all about Christian. Among other things, it includes a contest for naming his debut CD being produced this year and a hot photo of me and Erik Estrada. Well, technically, it's a picture of me, Erik and Christian but that's nothing a little photo shop can't fix.

Check out this clip of Christian on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Christian will be on Comedy Central tonight when they re-air his 1/2 hour special, Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan, tonight during Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo beginning at 9:00 PM EST.

Also, on Monday, April 10th Christian will appear on the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS.

Just so Christian doesn't get too big for his britches, I'm knocking him back down a notch by posting a clip of him hosting TV Land's Game Time with a chimpanzee in a game called "Apprentice to a Monkey".

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHRISTIAN
As a birthday gift, NBC aired Christian's appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly. Here's the clip featuring a whopping four minutes of stand up by the birthday boy. Watch it at Vimeo.com

View this clip on Vimeo

TUNE IN TONIGHT!
Christian taped a short set for Last Call with Carson Daly. He graded himself a "B" but you can judge for yourself when it airs tonight, Friday, March 31st. Check your local listings for times and channels. (That last line was for our parents.)

If you missed Christian's "appearance" on Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky, fret not. You can listen to the entire show at lovelinearchive.com. Simply scroll down to March 16th and click on Christian's name.

Reminder
Tune in to kroq.com from 10:00 - 12:00 PST tonight to listen to Christian take calls and give sexual advice with Dr. Drew Pinsky on Loveline.

Check out All Things Me, a newsletter of, by and all about Christian Finnegan. Click here.

ME, DRUNKENLY PONTIFICATING THROUGH YOUR EAR BUDS

I recently sat down with Tim Coyne, a childhood neighbor of mine and now host of the wicked-cool "Hollywood Podcast". We had a long, rather bizarre conversation, fueled in no small part by Jack Daniels and Diet Dr. Pepper. Topics include: my extensive and nonexistent drug history, the difference between a 'wussy' and a 'spaz', my brief career as a heavy metal singer, my awkward teen years, my awkward post-teen years, and the word 'hack', defined. And what interview would be complete without an off-key rendition of the Scorpions' classic, "No One Like You"? To hear our chat in all its rambling glory, as well as lots of other great stuff, go to www.thehollywoodpodcast.com.

Maybe you caught Christian on The Today Show this past Monday chatting with Katie Couric about the Oscars. Maybe you didn't. Either way, I took "behind the scenes" footage and uploaded it to YouTube.com and included the entire clip that aired.

It takes a while to load so click it, hit pause while it downloads and come back to it later.

CREWS CONTROL!

At this time, I would like to call a bit of attention to the recent accomplishments of Ms. Kambri Crews, publicist and girlfriend extraordinaire. Kambri has had an autobiographical essay published on FRESH YARN -- the first Online Salon for Personal Essays. Fresh Yarn numbers among its contributers many of the most respected authors, film and TV writers and performers in the entertainment industry. As you can imagine, this is a pretty sweet gig. But then, if you know anything about Kambri's life story, you know it's definitely the stuff of great storytelling. I won't really spoil it for you, I'll just provide this link to her fantastic essay, "Just Like My Daddy". READ IT, WINNERS!

And along those same lines, Kambri has recently started Love, Daddy, a blog devoted to the funny/strange/sad/mystifying relationship she has with her father, a deaf man currently serving a life sentence at the Texas State Penitentiary for the attempted murder of his third wife. The site is full of interesting anecdotes, great pictures and excerpts from the rather odd jailhouse writings of Mr. Cigo Crews himself. It's truly fascinating stuff--chances are, anything you went through as a child will seem downright mundane by comparison. READ IT (ALSO), WINNERS!

Much obliged. Now back to your regularly scheduled lives.

N-N-N-N-NINETEEN

Friends, family and well-wishers,

I would like to take a moment and offer up my sincere thanks to everyone who took the time to vote for me in Comedy Central's Stand Up Showdown. Thanks to your persistant e-participation, I managed to land at Number 19 on Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". I realize that the results of contests like this depend heavily on how successfuly a comic mobilizes his/her "fanbase" (yes, I just cringed with embarassment while typing that word). So I take this little tidbit of news as evidence not that I am now the world's 19th most brilliant purveyor of yuks, but that there are a number of fantastic people out there who have shown (and continue to show) me a great deal of support.

I thank you unreservedly.

Need proof? Well, lookie here:





See?? I had to look around the apartment for a Sharpie and everything!

Well, that's all for now. Just one quick reminder to join super-wicked-awesome mailing list, if you've not already done so. There's going to be some fun stuff coming up, including free tickets, silly contests and completely inane prizes. In fact, let's kick things off: I will sign something completely random from my home and mail it to you, if you're the first person to know what the subject heading of today's post is referencing (other than the Stand Up Showdown). Click "comment", if you know the answer--but be specific!

p.s. Thanks again!

S.O.S.! HELP! ASSISTANCE!


Dearest friends,

I recently received a tragic piece of news: according to my sources within Hollywood, beloved child actress Dakota Fanning has contracted a rare virus that is causing her freakishly large eyes to grow at such a rate they they threaten to consume her entire skull. Apparently, the only way to save her precious life is to vote for me, Christian Finnegan, in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown. I know it sounds strange, but you don't want that poor girl's blood on your hands, do you? DO YOU??!

Also, I feel compelled to mention that voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (there's that link again) can add 1-3 inches to the length of your penis. You know...if that's your kind of thing.

Not buying it? Okay, how's this: I'm a pathetic weenie, grovelling for your charity. Hell, whatever motivates you to spend a few seconds voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (last time, I promise) is a-okay with me. Just follow your heart.

Time is running out, people. Let's all get on the Finny train before I slip out of the Top 25 and I'm forced to have an awkward "What happened?" conversation with my relatives. Just go to Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (okay, I lied), scroll down towards the bottom until you see my big, dumb face and click "Vote Now". And then, do the same thing tomorrow. Think of it as exercise for your mouse-ing muscles.

Thank you so for your continued support.

Check out the Best Week Ever clip dated Wednesday, January 18th for Christian's last installment of What Your Purchases Say About You. Click here for the video.

Read All Things Me, a promotional newsletter by Christian Finnegan.

To subscribe to All Things Me, submit the completed form below. Subscribers are the first to receive his newsletter which will include chances to win free tickets to upcoming shows and other cool stuff, exclusive interviews, career updates and the like. Subscribe today!

VOTE NOW! CONVINCE COMEDY CENTRAL I'M VALID!

Good day, inhabitants of this magical land known as the Tower of Hubris.

As a result of the large amounts of laundered cash I've been leaving behind a dumpster, or perhaps due to some clerical error, I have been named one of Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". As you can imagine, this is quite an honor.

On January 29th 2006, Comedy Central will be airing half-hour specials by the entire "Top 25", countdown-style, as part of their "Stand Up Show Down". If you would be so kind as to take a moment and vote for little ol' me, I would be eternally grateful. I have no lillusions about beating out all of the other great comics on the list (not to mention a couple of not-so-great ones). But I AM hoping to avoid coming in 25th.

So go to http://www.comedycentral.com/events/SUSD/. Scroll down to the bottom, pick me, then click "Vote Now". Spread the word and vote often! Free turkey sandwich to the person who votes the most often (thereby skewing and invalidating the whole process)!

And remember: Comedy Central will air the stand up comedy specials of all 25 finalists (including mine) on Sunday, January 29th. Check it out, coolies.

Sincerely,
Christian Finnegan,
the captain of your heart

HAPPY NEW YEAR!



The Calendar page is updated which includes mostly college gigs for all you students out there. If you want to book Christian to appear at your school, drop an email and he'll have his people contact your people...or something like that.

Did you know Christian was on MySpace? Yup, he is.

Christian appeared on The Today Show last Friday and Matt Lauer snuck in a couple of zingers of his own regarding Tom Cruise. AOL picked the clip as a Top 5 TV moment from Friday. Poll results show it in the lead as the favorite clip with a whopping 69% of votes.

Watch the video.

MEDIA BLITZ DE LA FINNY (plus one joke)

Howdy, friendlies.

Shall I go into the whole "sorry i haven't posted in a long time" crap again? Nah--I fear the resulting massive eye-rolling that would follow could result in injury.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, this posting comes in four parts, the last of which will be a genuine joke of sorts--maybe not the funniest joke I've ever written, but Im hoping it will take the self-serving edge of this largely promotional missive.

Alright, let's get to it!

1) I will be appearing on the Today Show tomorrow morning (Friday, December 9th), along with my fellow Best Week Ever-ers Chuck Nice and Sherrod Small. I'm not exactly sure where our segment will be slotted, but it usually falls somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30am. Tune in to chek out the flirtaciously awkward dynamic I have with Katie Couric (I've told Katie I have a girlfriend, but the poor girl, but she just can't stop calling me). FYI, Sherrod, Chuck and I will be promoting tomorrow night's debut of the one-hour "Best Year Ever" special on VH1 (check your local listings!).

2) On Tuesday, December 13th I will be taping an episode of Friday Nights with Greg Giraldo. Greg will be interviewing me, showing embarrasing old photos of me and most assuredly insulting me in a variety of ways. You don't want to miss it! If you'd like to be in the studio audience (please please please), e-mail freegreggiraldotix@yahoo.com for FREE TICKETS. Make sure you include your name, age, phone number, what week(s) you would like to attend and how many tickets you'd like.

The studio is located at 222 East 44th between 2nd and 3rd Ave in New York City. Arrival time is between 5:45 and 6:15 pm and the show finishes around 8:15 pm.

3) From Wednesday 12/14 through Saturday 12/17, I will be appearing at the world-famous Laff Stop in Houston, TX. If you live in the Houston area, come on out to a show. It should be a great weekend, considering that the highlight of my offstage time will be a daytrip with Kambri to visit her father, who is a currently a resident of the Huntsville State Penitentiary. Say hello to twenty new minutes of material! Anyway, the Houston Press published an interview with me in today's edition and I must say, it's a pretty good one. READ IT HERE!


4) Okay, here goes:

Here's something that's been bothering me lately: what exactly is the difference between a fact and a factoid? I was watching something on the History Channel about publishing and as they went to commerical, the screen read, "FACTOID: The first crossword puzzle was published in December 1913". Okay, I guess that's what you might call a 'factoid'. but you know what else it is? A fact. So I guess what makes it a factoid is that it's pointless and kind of stupid? I guess that sort of makes sense, as you never hear someone using factoids in life or death situations. you're never going to hear a trial attorney say, "The evidence clearly shows that my client was nowhere near the bowling alley on the night of the triple-murder. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a FACTOID!"

So I guess a factoid is just a fact that makes you say, "Hmm...that's kind of interesting. I wonder what else is on?"

Blog entry complete!

You watch them every Friday night on VH1 and now you can start your Friday morning with them on the Today Show!

Tune in this Friday, December 9th to see Christian Finnegan and two other top Best Week Ever panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture.

HEY, YOU

Gothamist Interviewed Christian. Read the whole thing here.

Also, tonight at tomorrow is Best Week Ever Live at UCB Theater. Here's the plug:
You watch them every Friday on VH1 and now you can watch them LIVE! See Best Week Ever's top panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture. They won't have the crutch of basic cable production values -- it's nothing but raw nerve and sharp wit in this workshop production.

Starring Christian, Doug Benson, Paul Scheer and Danielle Schneider.

November 9th & 10th
UCB Theater
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY
212.366.9176
9:30 PM
Tickets: $8.00 - Buy Online

WHEN IN DOUBT...

...post a picture of yourself kissing a chimp.

FIGHT THE POWER (Or, if not "fight", whine about the power in a standard elitist manner)

So rumors are afoot that our Vice President may step down if he's indicted in this whole CIA leak thingy. I sincerely doubt this is true, but if so, I'm sure it's all just some Machiavellian plan to groom a Republican candidate in 2008 whose name isn't "John McCain". But I do see one indisputable upside for Cheney, if he steps down--he'll finally be able to reveal to the world that he's actually The Penguin from the old "Batman" TV show.'

To be honest, I've always felt a kinship with the Vice President. Have you ever watched Cheney's face while Dubya is giving a speech? He gets this tense, awkward smile on his face--it's a look I think many men recognize. It's the look you get when you're dating a woman whom you get along with well in private, but you're always afraid to bring her to a party because of the stupid shit that might come out of her mouth. You know how it is--the sex is good, she laughs at your jokes, makes you feel cool. But then you introduce her your friends and she starts telling them about how much she loves the novels of Anne Rice. Suddenly that tense Dick Cheney smile sweeps across your face and you're whispering, "Oh my god, you're such an idiot. Please shut the fuck up. Please...please...please..." through your teeth. And then, if you're Dick Cheney, you fly away on an umbrella.

Oh, and for the record, I'm sure that you women have dated guys who have elicited the same feeling of public awkwardness. But I can't really speak to that, as I've never dated a dude (regardless of what you'd think watching me play sports). But as was my original point, I'm sure our glorious president's prom date experienced similar feelings of discomfort and embarrassment.

Bush is a tool, but honestly I think every president is set up to fail. It's the downside of Democracy. Seriously, do you think "Two Party System" is really what The Founders had in mind? In our system, you have half of all elected officials desperately trying to cockblock the other half. Yeah, you can talk about civil service and bipartisanship, but when it gets right down to it, a politician's career is 100% dependent on the guys on the other side of the aisle sucking just a little bit harder than you do.

For example: last week the Iraqi constitution passed, which is a good thing...in theory. Sure, the democrats said all the right things ("This is a great day for Democracy, blah blah blah"), but you know inside they were all screaming "FUCK! Why did it have to go well?! Couldn't there have been a terrorist incident, or something?! You know, no casualties or anything--just enough to fuck shit up a little!" You could see it while they were being interviewed--the Democrats all sounded the way you do when you find out your ex-girlfriend is having sex with someone new. "Oh, the Iraqi constitution passed? I was so busy working on education bill, I didn't even notice! But that's great...you know, about the consitution... About time something went right over there, know what I mean? I mean, the whole situation is a clusterfuck and it will probably explode into violence at any moment. But you know. . .good for them. No, seriously. I wish them the best. Oh, and our economy still sucks, by the way--just in case anyone forgot."

It's not that Democrats want the the new Iraqi government to fail outright; they just want the situation to stay unstable until they can get one of their guys (or Hillary) into the White House, at which point they will magically begin describing The New Iraq as a land of dewdrops and candy canes. Republicans are no different, of course. Remember all of the "shame and disappointment" Republicans claimed with regard to Clinton's poontang-ery? Horseshit. Hell, they could barely contain themselves, their joy was so palpable. If there had been a camera trained on Trent Lott's face when he heard about the infanmous jizz-stained dress, we'd have seen the reaction not of a man horrified by presidential abuse of power, but that of a gleeful child on Christmas morning. "A jizz-stained dress?! For me?!!! It's so...beautiful!! THANK YOU, SANTY CLAUS!!!"

But I suppose we get the government we deserve. I truly believe that Democracy is the best way to go, but let's be hones--it ain't perfect. Am I the only person who finds it odd that the leader-of-the-free-fucking-world is chosen, in part, by the same people who made Steven Segal a millionaire? You're telling me I get the exact same say in who controls our military as the chick who spent three hours on the phone trying to get Bo Bice into the semifinals? This is serious stuff her--we have soldiers dying in Fallujah because millions of Americans decided they wanted a president who could "Git 'R Done". We have to put some controls in place here. After all, convicted felons aren't allowed to vote, so it's not like we're above deciding who's "worthy" of participating in the electoral process. I think it's high time we made a few other tweaks in the equation. For instance, if you own an Ashlee Simpson CD, you should not be allowed to vote. Or if you currently have a subscription to InStyle Magazine. Or if in the past four years you've paid to see a movie featuring more than one Wayans brother--I'm sorry, but you cannot be counted on for sound judgment. Here are a few other automatic electoral DQ's:

* If you have, in the last twelve calendar months, burped and blown it into someone's face

* If you are a college graduate yet still regularly use 'emoticons'.

* If that "Proud to Be an American" song has ever left you misty-eyed

* If you watched the "Biker Boyz" DVD extras

* If you have ever simultaneously worn denim jeans, a denim jacket and (most importantly) a denim shirt

Call your local representatives, people--let's make this happen!


P.S. This kind of shit is what made that Marine want to kick my ass. (see below).

BAD 'BAMA JAMMA

I'm currently in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm performing all weekend at a rather beautiful comedy club known as the "Stardome". The weather has been nice, the other comics on the bill are funny and cool, and all of the staff has been friendly and helpful. Why, you could almost say it's been the perfect comedy weekend!

Oh, did I mention during Friday night's show, eight staff members had to physically drag a drunk Marine out of the showroom before he could climb onto the stage and kick my ass? No? I didn't mention that? Oh, we all that happened, too.

I can't tell you how surreal the whole thing was. I was about fifteen minutes into my set when a guy stood up and yelled something toward/at me. I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, so I said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sir, but I forgot to bring my Drunk-to-English dictionary with me". People laughed, and the guy got really furious. He started yelling "I'M A MARINE! I'M A MARINE!" This was not a shock to me, as I'd heard someone yell this during the emcee's set, albeit in a far more affable tone. I apologized for making fun of his non-sobriety and invited the audience to give him a round of applause in appreciation of his military service. This choice was inspired both my genuine admiration for our men and women in uniform and by my sincere desire to not get my ass kicked.

Okay, more the latter than the former, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm honestly assuming this was going to be the end of it. But then he begins to approach the stage, inspiring members of the staff to sweep in from various corners of the room. The Marine is now screaming, "I'VE SPENT TWO YEARS IN IRAQ! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!" I suppose the subtext here is, "I fought for your freedom of speech, so now I'm going to kick your ass for speaking freely."

At this point, things get physical. The guy has grabbed on to a railing, as staff members try to drag the guy towards the door. They had help from the dude's two Marine buddies, who for the record seemed genuinely embarrassed by their friend's behavior. At this point, I had to start cracking jokes, because the audience was just sitting there, dumbfounded. The more jokes I would make, the more insanely determined this guy was to pummel the living shit out of me. I cannot stress this enough--this man absolutely would have put me in the hospital. The whole ordeal lasted a solid 5-7 minutes, which felt like a fucking eternity. As he was being "ushered" out, he kept yelling, "I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE!!!" Once things calmed down, I got a good amount of laughs talking about the ordeal, and I think everyone was relieved when I got back to doing my prepared material. Still, the event had a rather chilling effect on the set as a whole (go figure!). By the end of my set, people were ready to go home--if for no other reason than so they could get to the business of telling people about how they almost saw a stand up comedian get murdered onstage.

I should mention that the staff were prepared for this guy to be a problem from the get-go. He'd shown up drunk and by the time I took the stage, had been "cut off" by the manager, which is usually when the problems start. And the manager told me when they dragged the guy out to his car, there were two empty bottles of vodka on the floor! Yee-haw! But I have to assume there was something about me specifically that set him off.

Now this is the part where I'd like to make it sound like that this guy hated me because my material was so cutting edge--that I was so unrelenting in my critique of our government and culture that it made this grunt's head explode. A lot of New York liberal elitists would take a potentially violent attack by an Alabama redneck as a sign of indie cred. But the truth is, I had kind of de-balled my set in anticipation of playing to Birmingham crowds. I had smoothed all the rough edges, removed just about anything I thought might be a bit too "problematic" for conservative Bush-loving Alabamans--to the extent that I didn't feel 100% excited about the set I'd put together. But I'm trying to establish myself as a headliner, and The Stardome is very well-regarded club, blah blah blah blah blah....

I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, I really want to be the kind of comic who can entertain any crowd--I really get frustrated with many of my NYC comic peers who can make a bunch of 20-something hipsters laugh, but feel "above" trying to reach the other 96% of the country. You can have mass appeal without being a total hack--Chris Rock manages it. So does Dave Chappelle. And Ellen DeGeneres. But then on the other hand, when playing a city like Birmingham, I feel like I'm forced to play with half a deck. It's not just political material you have to avoid, it's also anything even remotely of-the-moment, culturally. Tonight I asked how many people in the audience owned an iPod. You would have thought I'd presided over a lesbian wedding while simultaneously performing a third-trimester abortion on stage. I don't yet have the career currency to do exactly the set I want to do without consideration of where I'm performing, who I'm performing for, etc.--you can't really get away with that until audiences are coming out to see you, specifically. Remember, George Carlin and Richard Pryor didn't reinvent the wheel until after they'd already become pretty famous using...well, the regular wheel.

Of course, I'm sure that's what lots of hacks tell themselves.

The point is, I was hardly going out of my way to provoke the Birmingham crowd. Still, I guess there must have been something I said to inspire Semper Fi's rage. The disruption started when I was tackling an extremely controversial subject: the board game Monopoly. But I imagine his anger probably started about five minutes earlier when I did a very short, very tame bit about America being like a high school bully. I opted not to point out to the crowd that this guy, someone charged with representing our nation to the citizens of the world, wanted to combat my "bully" premise b y beating the shit out of me. But honestly, I don't think that one thirty-second bit was enough to set him off. No, I think there was just something about me, the way I choose to form sentences that made him say, "Hey, this guy's not one of us". I think I must give off a pungent "Yankee Faggot" scent.

So there you have it--one of the stranger gigs I've had in...well, weeks. Ahhhhh, comedy!

ILL HUMORED

Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.

People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.

FASHION SHOW

A couple of days ago, I saw an elderly man wearing a skipper hat. That's kind of an underappreciated look, isn't it? A skipper hat says, "I'm in control. I can handle any situation. Either that, or I'm mentally retarded." I actually found the hat kind of comforting, seeing as this particular elderly gent was sitting across the aisle from me on an airplane. I figured if shit started to go down--terrorism, mechanical failure, et cetera--I could turn to him and yell, "DO SOMETHING, CAP'N!!!"

So the skipper hat was a bold choice, but what really made this guy's outfit was his sweatshirt. It was plain white, with a couple of random spaghetti sauce stains. But on the front was printed, "IT'S NOT AN EMPTY NEST UNTIL THEY GET THEIR STUFF OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Yeah, you said it, grandpa! Zing! Take that, whippersnappers! What is the age where one completely stops giving a shit about he looks in public? When do you stop picking out clothes that you think "make a statement" and start wearing sweatshirts that actually make statements? I want to think this guy simply doesn't care about what he wears, and not that he picked that sweatshirt out on purpose. I don't want to imagine this guy walking into Spencer Gifts and declaring, "Yes! I have found the sweatshirt I've been looking for all these years! This garment aptly describes what it's like to have adult children who have moved out of your home and yet still don't display the proper level of responsibility! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!!"

Then again, I'm currently wearing a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt, so who am I to judge?

PHOTO ETIQUETTE

I've never understood the things people do in photographs. A friend of mine went to Disneyland recently and he had his picture taken with Goofy. This, in and of itself, is a strange decision for a 34 year old man. But what I really found strange is that my friend felt the need to give the thumbs-up sign in the picture. Why do people do that? What is the message you're trying to get across there? That's like something politicians do. "Ladies and gentleman, I approve of Goofy. Goofy, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work! Goofy and me, working together for a better America!" The only possible reason I can imagine for a non-politician to give the thumbs-up sign in a picture is if you're trying to let people know you're not being kidnapped. I mean, if you're seven years old and "Goofy" is taking your picture in the back of his windowless van, by all means give us a thumbs-up. "It's okay, mommy and daddy--I'm here of my own free will! Goofy invited me back to his apartment for a wrestling match and if I win I get a Jolly Rancher! Yayyyy!"

Another thing people do in photos is point at the other person in the picture. They'll throw one arm over you in a "he's my bestest buddy in the world" kind of fashion and with the other hand, point at you. This is a an axtremely arrogant and douchebaggy thing to do, as the subtext here is, "Look, I know you're all looking at me, but don't forget...there's somebody else in this picture. Don't forget about this guy. He's cool, too! I mean, probably not as awesome as me, but...well, you get the idea."

And every once in a while, you'll still get people doing the horns-behind-the-head thing. When was that ever funny? It must be a remnant of some distant era, because in the entirety of my life I've never seen it elicit anything but faint disgust and annoyance. In the middle ages, it must have been hilarious for someone to stand behind you while you were having your portrait painted. Then people could by your castle and have a good laugh. "Everyone, gaze upon Duke of Yorkshire! It appears as if he has horns growing out of his skull! Ha ha ha! Oh, how droll! Why, he looks almost like...like...the Devil! Burn him!" So maybe it wasn't a "joke" back then--maybe it was a passive-agressive form of revenge. I guess the modern day equivalent would be if someone was having his picture taken and you somehow slipped a Ku Klux Klan banner in the background.

Actually, that is kind of funny.

BLOG READERS, HEED MY CALL!

Um...hello? Testing... Is this thing on?

Greetings, internet personages. It is I, Christian Finnegan, returning to you after my long self-imposed e-Exile. I have missed you, insomuch as someone can miss snarky anonymous comments about his career, appearance and general demeanor. If you are someone who has been reading this page since "back in the day" (as all the kids are saying), thanks for sticking around--your patience is astounding and perhaps bordering on creepy. If you are someone who stumbled upon my website and wondered what the hell "Tower of Hubris" meant, welcome. This is the page where I used to post lots and lots and lots of random jokes and attempts at profundity. Then it became the page where I would sporadically post random jokes and attempts at profundity, interspered with apologies and promises to write more often. Then it became the page I abandoned utterly, like a pathetic frat boy ducking some homely girl he fucked after a pep rally. And yet, even over the past few months, as I've actively avoided going to my own website for fear of reminding myself of the e-comic I used to be, this page continued to call out to me, like my very own "Telltale Heart". "Chrissstiannn.... Chrisssstiannnn...", it would howl in the night. "Why have you forsaken meeeeeee...? Post somethinnnnnng... Annnythinnnng.... Even one of those stupid pseudo-funny lists you used to do all the timmmmme... Stooooop beeeeeing a diiiiiiiiiick!"

Well, I'm back now. And what has inspired me to post again? I want you all to come out to a show, of course! Silly you for thinking I had no ulterior motive. But in this case, I think you'll forgive me--that is, unless you have no compassion for those affected by Hurricane Katrina (SHAME ON YOU!).

The show in questions is Northern Hospitality: A Benefit for the Bayou. It will be held tomorrow, September 14th, at the beautiful Kraine Theater and all of the proceeds will go directly to the Red Cross. I REALLY REALLY encourage you to come out. The lineup is stellar (including Andres DuBouchet and Co., performing a condensed ten-minute version of "Giant Tuesday Night", the very best sketch comedy show in NYC), and there are going to be some majorly kick-ass raffle prizes, including: a brand-new iPod mini, tickets to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, tickets to Drumstruck, a Comedy Central media & swag basket, t-shirts, a messenger bag and lots, lots more.

If you have been wanting to make a contribution to the relief efforts but just haven't had the time or wherewithal, this is a great and easy way to chip in. For a measley $20, you'll get to see a great show, maybe take home some valuable stuff and know that every penny of your money is being sent to those in need.

Here are the specifics:

NORTHERN HOSPITALITY: A Benefit for the Bayou
Wednesday, Sept. 14th
The Kraine Theater
85 E. 4th Street (btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
New York, NY
212.460.0982

8:00 PM
Admission: $20 at the door

RSVP to rsvp@ballyhoopromotions.net

Please come. Failure to show up will be taken as a sign that you are pro-Hurricane Katrina (you inhuman bastard).

Christian was on The Today Show on August 26, 2005, for a Best Week Ever (VH1) segment. Here are a few things he said to Matt Lauer:

On Brad & Angelina Marriage Rumours
"I'm pretty sure when Brad hooked up with Angelina he wasn’t thinking marriage. She screams, 'transitional relationship'. But with all the negative press, marrying Angelina is the only way to salvage his reputation. It's what is commonly known as 'Soon-Yi Syndrome.'"

On Jerry Seinfeld's New Baby
"Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'"

On the topic of "Girl Crushes," Matt asked if guys can have "Boy Crushes":
"Sure I have a boy crush. I'm not going to tell you who it is but his name rhymes with Bal Broker."

On Britney's Baby:
"Britney wants to name her baby 'Charlie' while Kevin Federline wants to go with 'Meal Ticket.'"

LOOKIE HERE, KIDS!

Anyone who picked up the September 2005 issue of Penthouse saw a nice two page feature interview with Christian. Besides being great exposure (sorry, no pun intended), it's quite possibly his best interview to date. Congratulations, Christian!

Click above for the scanned article.

SET THOSE DVRs

On Tuesday, August 30th at 7:30 PM Comedy Central re-airs Christian's 1/2 hour special. Here's their blurb:

Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan
Christian gets philosophical about Monopoly and gives us his rendition of the "birds & the bees" talk in this half-hour stand-up special.

Christian was on The Today Show back on July 20, 2005. Here are a few things he said to Katie Couric:

On Jude Law having an affair with his children's nanny:

"Getting mad as Jude Law for seducing women is like getting mad at a hamster for running on a wheel. It's what he does."

"What's really sad is somewhere in America a morning radio DJ is putting together a really awful parody of the song 'Hey Jude'."

On Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson getting married for the 3rd time:

"The question here isn't 'Will the bride be wearing white?'- it's 'Will the bride be wearing anything?'"

Entertainment Weekly ran a shortened version this quote from Finnegan commenting on Cameron Diaz having posed for topless photos:

"At this point, I'd be more surprised to find out a star hadn't taken topless photos. I mean, what were we expecting to find out, that Cameron Diaz is secretly a member of Mensa? That someone uncovered her long-lost college thesis?"

[View the Entertainment Weekly scan.]
[Vote for your favorite quote on EW.com.]

Be Part of a Studio Audience!

TV Land Presents: Game Time

TV Land offers what no other network can - TV Satisfaction. Why waste your valuable time flipping around the dial? There's always something on -- time-tested and audience-approved, 24 hours a day.

Be part of a live taping of Game Time, hosted by your favorite comedian, Christian Finnegan.

Monday, August 8, 2005

The Supper Club
240 West 47th Street
New York, NY 10036
2:45pm & 6:15pm

Audience members will be invited on stage, to participate in a series of Jeopardy styled questions focusing on classic TV trivia, shows like I LOVE LUCY, THREE's COMPANY, BEWITCHED, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MUNSTERS, I DREAM OF JEANNIE, LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, THE BRADY BUNCH and ALL IN THE FAMILY. Participation is optional.

The day is broken down into two shoots. The first episode shoots from 2:45-6:00- Snacks and soft drinks provided

The second episode shoots from 6:15-9:30pm Snacks, soft drinks and alcohol provided.

RSVP to me (Kambri) via email at kambri@ballyhoopromotions.net. Include your full name & which taping you'd like to attend. NOTE: Guests MUST be 21 years of age or older.

HOLA, BATFUCKERS!

Hello, honored friends. If/when you go see Batman Begins (and you should--it's pretty damn good), you may be lucky enough to pick up an issue of FLIcK Magazine (available at all Loews, Cinemark and Carmike theaters), which features a gloriously stupid piece by yours truly. Or, you could just go read it online. Here it is:

LESSER KNOWN ITEMS ON BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT

Of course, the editors of FLIcK made some cuts. Here are the gems left out of the final piece:

THE BAT ALLEN WRENCH -- This is used primarily to assemble inexpensive Scandanavian furniture. You'd be surprised how often that comes up.

BATWIPES -- Batman's enemies aren't just evil--they're also dirty. Seriously, have you ever seen the Penguin's secret lair under a black light? Eww. Luckily, Batman has sanitized handwipes to rid himself of those tiny supervillains known as "germs". They also give his latex bodysuit a sexy sheen.

THE BATT-EE CUSION (they included this one in the article, but trimmed it down) -- When you spend your life living in a cave and battling the dark side of human nature, you need a cheap giggle every once in a while. So when Batman wants to lighten the mood, out comes the Batt-ee Cushion. And it doesn't hurt that Robin is so gullible. It usually goes something like, "Holy demolition, Batman! We've got to get to the Batmobile! With that much TNT, the Riddler could blow up the entire--FFRRRRRIPPPPP! ...Okay, you got me. Good one."

THE BAT GUN -- This is just a gun, basically. Not everything has to be some super-wacky gadget, you know. Sometimes Batman just has to shoot some dude.

THE BAT BAT -- For use in the Hall of Justice Intramural Softball League. Some of the other heroes have complained about Batman's high tech equipment, but until a certain you-know-who agrees to stop stealing signals with his x-ray vision, The Dark Knight ain't budging.

MY FATHER, THE TELEVISION STAR

I know this page has been increasingly plug-heavy (and humor-light) over the past few months, but this is one thing I have to mention:

As you may or may not know, Comedy Central airs three and half hours of stand up comedy every Friday night (shows like "Premium Blend", "Comedy Central Presents", etc.). They promote this block of programming under the name "Friday Night Stand-Up"--the same way NBC used to label their Thursday night lineup "Must-See TV". Anyway, Comedy Central often has a comedian or comic actor "host" this Friday night lineup--and by "host", I mean "show up on screen for a minute or two in-between shows and occasinally after commercial breaks to do a bit of schtick". For instance, when my episode of "Comedy Central Presents" premiered a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day, "Friday Night Stand Up" was hosted by the incomperable (and very Irish) Tom Shillue. And just last week, it was hosted by the extremely comparable Cedric "The Entertainer" and Mike Epps, who were promoting their "Honeymooners" re-make (I can't wait to see it!!!!!*).

For this week's installment of "Friday Night Stand Up", Comedy Central decided to go for a father/son angle (being that it's two days before Father's Day, and all). Luckily for me, it appears that I am the only comic in New York City who's on speaking terms with his father. Three cheers for being semi-well adjusted! So a few weeks ago my dad and I were sent out to a miniature golf course in Connecticut, where we filmed all sorts of goofy shit. It all airs tomorrow night (June 17th), starting at 8:30pm and continuing on at various times up until midnight. I've seen the footage and I think it's all really funny. My dad is a very good sport and a surprisingly good straight-man.

In many ways, working on this was the greatest moment of my "career", if for no other reason than how much it seemed to delight my dad. He's always been extremely supportive (emotionally and at times monitarily), so it was cool to kind of return the favor in some small way. And I think he really enjoyed seeing how the TV world operates--granted, at the most spratan, basic-cable level. He's now a bit of a diva, to be honest--he's constantly hanging out at Bungalow 8 and doing blow with Lindsay Lohan's dad

My favorite moment: My dad was kind of overwhelmed at how many people there were milling around the "set". There were probably 15-20 people involved, which really isn't very big at all for a "location shoot". But I think my dad was just expecting it to be me, him, and some guy toting a camcorder. At one point while they were setting up for a shot, he whispered in my ear, "You see that woman who's been standing there all day? The one with the orange scarf? What is her JOB?!" He wasn't being malicious--it was just an innocent question. I then very quietly reminded my dad that he was wearing a lapel mic. We turned towards the crew and everyone wearing a headset started laughing. Sweet.

Anyway, if you's suffering some sort of head trauma and find yourself at home on Friday night, flip over to Comedy Central and check it out. I think there's some genuinely funny shit there.


* Yes, this is a joke.

HOT HOT HEAT (My bi-ennial TOH Posting)

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "Boy, I can't wait for Summer!" and "Fuck THIS shit."? In New York, I think that "Hooray for warm weather" period lasted about five days this year. Now it's all just a sweaty malaise. I don't know what the weather has been like where YOU live, but here in New York City, it's been like a marathon runner's nutsack for at least two weeks. The heat makes me loathe every thing and every one. And yet I'm too exhausted to actually do or say anything about it. So I just sit around all day in a near-vegetative state, occasionally showing my faint disgust for people, places and things by rolling my eyes--like Terri Schiavo with a bad attitude.

I don't even try to look nice when I leave the house anymore, because I know that by the time I get wherever I'm going, I'll look like I just escaped a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. Weather like this is never good for your self-esteem. You're never going to look in the mirror and say "Yes! That's the look I was going for! I want to look like I just rubbed bacon all over my face! More sweat stains, please!"

Its even worse for me because I live with my girlfriend. So not only do I have to deal with my self-loathing, I have to navigate hers as well. We'll be on our way to some sort of party or get-together in this godforsaken heat, covered in sweaty filth, and she'll give me that "I look disgusting right now, don't I?" crap. There's never a suitable answer to a question like this--your choice is pretty much "Do I want to sound like an asshole or a liar?" I wish I could just be honest and say, "Well, sweetheart. Are you more beautiful at this moment that I've ever seen you before? Well, no. ...But I'd still fuck you. Sure I would! Yeah, I've slept with lots of women uglier than you look right now!" Something makes me think that wouldn't go over too well.

I desperately need a vacation. And it just so happens that Kambri and I are going away next week...to the Caribbean. Yep, that's my solution for beating the heat: head someplace even fucking hotter! But the heat in the Caribbean is different--you're on the beach, you're drinking rum punch, you're able to convince yourself that all of the resort workers don't secretly want you to die, etc. It's hot, but relaxing--like a sauna. Not like New York, where you spend the Summer months basting in urine vapors and body odor.

I'm actually taking Kambri on this little vacation for her birthday (it's June 22nd, people--we're registered here). We went to Anguilla last year and loved it, so I knew we wanted to go back to the Caribbean, but I wanted to pick someplace cool. The Caribbean is full of cheesy shit to be avoided at all costs--limbo contests, the Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot", etc. So I started to make a checklist of all the places I defintely didn't want to go: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda...basically, any place that's mentioned in the song "Kokomo" is to be avoided, I would think. we ended up settling on Turks and Caicos, an island I'd never heard of and know very little about. I was initially drawn to the name because it sounds kind of Dungeons & Dragons-y. Like maybe the place is inhabited by bugbears and/or a githyanki.

Have I revealed too much? Perhaps.

Christian will appear with Rachael Harris & Paul Scheer on the Today Show tomorrow at 7:40 AM.

Also, if you read today's NY Post, you'll see a spread about "indie" comedy which features some quotable quotes by Christian with his pic on the internet version. Unfortunately, they give the wrong credit for the photo, but I'm not too miffed by it because, hey, they included his pic in the first place!

REVENGE OF THE SITH & FLIcK MAGAZINE

With the premiere of Revenge of the Sith, came the launch of FLIcK Magazine with a column by none other than Christian Finnegan. Pick up your *free* copy at any Loews, Cinemark or Carmike Cinemas or avoid the geek scene altogether by downloading the whole darn thing here. Don't want to sift through the whole thing? Well, I'm all about choice, so here's another option: get only Christian's contribution by clicking here.

I'M SO 'TARD

There are so many things I could post right now, so many things I want to write about. And yet, all of my weak-hearted attempts at artistic excellence seem so pointless in the face of...this.

Click on rosie. You know you want to.

DARN TOOTIN'!

I recently saw a guy purchasing a copy of Playboy. In itself, not so extraordinary--Playboy has a large circulation, and that means that somebody somewhere is buying it. But it seems like if you're buying Playboy nowadays, you probably are reading it for the articles. Why else would you bother? Christ, now that we have the internet, the idea of buying a nudie magazine seems almost, I don't know...quaint. Old-timey, even. Like you'd walk a three miles down to the general store to buy some sasparilla, a container of Ol' Doc Haggerty's Purifying Hair Tonic and a copy of Hustler Magazine. And yet, I'm old enough to remember a day not so long ago when a lad's nudity choices were limited to scrambled Cinemax After Dark and said nudie magazines. It makes me feel old. It makes me worry that, one day, I'll be siiting down some young whippersnappers and saying something like:

"You know, back when I was twelve years old, we didn't have this whole worldwide interweb of yours. No, if we wanted to look at naked girlies, we had to go over to T.J. Ethier's house and sneak them out of his older brother's closet! You kids just give your mousies a clickety-clack, and you gots a whole treasure trove of naked boobies and behinds to slap your baloney to! But back in my day, you had to learn how to beat off with one hand and flip pages with the other! It was hard work--something you kids wouldn't know nothin' about! We didn't have no "MPEGs" and "Quicktime". The best we could do was when you'd flip the pages really fast, like it was one of them cartooony books! But that wat okay by us--we got along just fine. What you kids got goin', it just ain't special no more! These days, any Tom, Dick or Harry can have himself a live, one-on-one chat with a horny sorority slut in his area. In my day, we had to read about other people doin' it. It was a little something called "Penthouse Forum"--something you wouldn't know about, since kids these days don't like to read!"

This really is the kind of sparkling insight that makes me one of comedy's brightest minds.

YES, I'M NOW THAT ASSHOLE

A couple of weeks ago, my palm pilot shit the bed on me. So in order to prove to the world that I am an extravagant douchebag, I purchased the Treo 650, which is a Blackberry kind of thingy. Now I can look important by obsessively checking my Email in all sorts of awkward, hassle-inducing situations. God forbid I go twenty minutes without knowing that one of my friends has sent me a picture of his baby son wearing a Burger King crown. Anyone need a stock quote? Anyone?

I really have no idea what this damn gadget is capable of--no shit, the user's manual is 349 pages long. How am I supposed to get the most out of my impulse purchase and stick to my strict no-reading regimen at the same time? Well, I've broken down and started to plow through this ridiculous tome, and it's pretty amazing, all of the things my new phone/calendar/web browser/dick compensator can do. For instance, I can take up to twelve minutes of goddamn, bonafide motion picture footage on this thing. Eventually, I'll figure out how to post these mini-movies on this site, and then you'll get the pleasure of watching my girlfriend making a drunken 311 call to complain about some guy who was driving a Hummer and talking on his cell phone. Here's a teaser quote: "What do you mean he's not being reckless? He's driving a Hummer? Do you know how much fuel a Hummer uses...? He's endangering the lives of everybody!" Slur every third word and throw in a few hiccups and you're halfway there.

I also shot some footage just last night of Unchained, the "Mighty Van Halen Tribute", who were performing live at my favorite shitty bar here in Astoria. You may be saying to yourself, "Wow, you really got lucky, going to a bar where there just happened to be a cheesy cover band playing! How gloriously kitschy and ironic!" Truth is, this is the third (yes, third) time Kambri and I have gone to see Unchained (It should be noted that this was the first time the band actually played. The first time the show was cancelled because the bass player broke his ribs and the second time there wasn't enough of an audience, so they bailed.), and there was absolutely no ironic distance involved. These guys totally rocked, in a way that only four dudes from Jersey ripping through "Ain't talkin' 'Bout Love" can. Pseudo Eddie Van Halen totally knew his shit and Pseudo David Lee Roth was spot on--the voice was perfect, he did all the wonderfully silly kick moves and he had that weird David Lee Roth yelp/shriek thing down pat. The audio on the footage I have is pretty unintelligible, but it's still pretty sweet. Sadly, I accidently deleted the crown jewel of my digital collection: a bit of between-song banter, where Pseudo David Lee Roth exhorts the crowd to take advantage of the bar's drink specials.

...Okay, maybe there was a little bit of ironic distance involved.

Point is, aren't you jealous of my stupid new phone?

BEST WEEK EVER LIVE

Hey there, peoples.

As probably anyone who didn't mistakenly find my website whilst Googling "christian+fingering" knows, I appear regularly on the VH1 show "Best Week Ever". This is the television show where, every week, gifted and brilliant people not unlike myself find new and exciting ways of calling Britney Spears a whore. You may have watched this show and thought to yourself, "I wonder how funny these idiots would be without all the fancy graphics and strategic editing..." Well, now's your chance to find out!

Tomorrow night (Thursday, April 27th), the first evert two performances of "Best Wek Ever Live" will take place at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, right here in New York City. The show will feature Paul Sheer, Jessi Klein, Sherrod Small and myself (you can read all about us here) and I think it's going to be a really great show. There will be stand-up, clips from the show, topical musings and all sorts of other wacky shit. The idea is for us to put this show together and then bring it on the road. So if you can't get to NYC tomorrow night, fear not--hopefully, we'll be bringing it to a club/college/homeless shelter near you sometime soon.

If you ARE in New York, it would be really great if you could come out to see the show. We won't really know what he have until we put it up in front of an audience, so we're hoping for as big a crowd as possible at both of the show. The 8:00pm show is already sold out (I just now found that out), but there are still tickets avaialble for 10:00pm.

You can get all of the pertinent info about this show at the UCB website. But just in case you're link-shy, here it is in plain print:

BEST WEEK EVER LIVE
Thursday, April 27
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th St (just West of 8th avenue)
New York NY 10011
10:00pm
Tickets: $8.00
Reservations: 212.366.9176

That is all.

MORE OF AMERICA'S LEAST POPULAR CITIES

Transgender Bluffs, OK

Melanoma, NM

Unpaid Child Support Falls, OH

Bloody Stool, AK

Tuberculonia, KY

Bagels-in-Conference-Room, NY

Dicksweat, ND

Himmler City, UT

Weaponized Virusville, FL

Bad Touch, IN

Asian Babies For Sale, IL

Kutztown, PA (where Adam Ace happens to be performing tonight. By the way, that dude is going seriously bald. Makes me kind of feel bad for ragging on him. And yet...)

This show promises to be a good one.

Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St
8:00
$5 + 2 Drinks
For Reservations call 212-614-2500

HOSTED BY: Craig Baldo (Premium Blend, Late Friday) and featuring your very own Christian Finnegan.

Also with:
* Claudia Cogan (UCB, the PIT)
* Anthony DeVito (VH1's "All Access: Celebrity Showdown 2")
* Todd Levin (How to Kick People)
* Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Best Week Ever)

And more!

YOU LUCKY, LUCKY FOOLS

Move over, Staten Island dude. Now there's something smarmier!

Check THIS shit out.

Thanks to Victor for the link.

There are so many ridiculous things about this wonderful piece of video, I honestly wouldn;t knbow where to begin. But one thing I adore is the bizarre way he sings "A-MER-UH-CA". Also, remember the days when having long hair meant you were going against the establishment? (sigh) Those were the days...

IT LIVES!

Okay, so much to discuss. I'm just going to plow through a whole bunch of shit.

* Yesterday was my birthday. Yes, I know--I was born on April Fools Day. No lame-ass jokes, please. So how did I spend my special day? On a train to Saratoga Springs, NY where I made an atempt to entertain the young men and women of Skidmore College with fellow comedian Kyle Grooms. The audience was great, and Kyle was very funny. As for me, I felt a bit off my game. I'm not sure if the audience could tell, but I felt a bit distracted. Maybe it's because I couldn't help but count all of the puka shell necklaces and sailor bracelets in the audience. Seriously, college students, what's the fucking deal with that retarded neo-Ocean Pacific shit? Retro is fine, but not every fucking fashion era needs to be resurrected. Maybe they're supposed to be "ironic" now, but I felt like I was looking out into a sea of everyone who I hated from high school. Who knew James Spader's "Pretty in Pink" character would the model for the 21st Century college hipster? Still, the show was fun and the students activities people were nice enough to get me a birthday cake, which was genuinely thoughtful.

So tonight Kambri and I are going out for a post-birthday birthday dinner, and then it's on to meet some friends--not a party, just communal drinking. But then, is there really a difference anymore? Once you pass the age of thirty, what IS a birthday party, other than simply a designated night of drinking. You know, I was about to write a long spiel on this topic, but then a feeling of deja vu swept over me and I realized that I already did write about this last year. So, um...enjoy that.

* I was in Miami last week, where I spent the week slathered in SPF 70. No, I'm not exagerrating. I am a pasty, mayonnaise-tinted man and I'm never again going to make the same mistake I made in Anguilla, also known as the 'White Seal' incident (see June 14, 2004). But wait, it gets even dorkier: I reached a new plateau of pathos last week, as I actually brough my Playstation with me on the trip. Yes, I spent four days in Miami, perhaps the most notorious "party" city in the United States, fighting digital monsters. Because that's how I roll, dawg.

* As Kambri mentioned, we did this weird thing on Staten Island public access TV a couple of weeks ago. These guys were attempting to break the Guinness Book talk show record for continuous hours on the air and, as far as I know, they succeeded. Of course, to do that, that means lots of very strange guests. I don't really have the energy to describe them all, so I'll just focus on this dude:



I know what you're thinking: Holy shit, that guy rules. Well dear friends, let me assure you: you have no fucking idea. Before we move on, let's get one more view of my man, this time from the back:



SWEET!

I simply can't explain how awesome this dude was. He sang an orginal song, which he dedicated to his mentor, Joe Franklin (who you can see visibly squirming in the background of that first photo). This gist of the song was that, no matter how famous he got and how much his music moved people (the song actually included lines like "After the roar of the crowd, after the spotlight fades..."), he would never forget the one who has was always there for him. Presumably, this is meant to be a woman, but he sang the song entirely to Joe (with his back squarely to the camera half the time, as seen in photo #2), reaching out to him as if he might at any minute he might give Joe's cheek a soft caress. It gave giving the whole thing a fascinating and tender prison rape vibe. There were also a lot of wonderful closed eyes/clenched fist moments, where you could almost see the guy saying to himself, "I am blowing these people's minds--hell, I'm blowing my own mind..."

My favorite moment was probably when he got to that "After the roar of the crowd..." line. In the musical vamp between verses, he told the audience that he was going to require our participation. Now I should mention that, in order to break the world's record, a small studio audeince was required at all times. In this case, the "audience" conisted of a few surly Staten Island firemen and some doughy middle aged folks who I assume were relatives of the guys producing on the show (very nice and industrious fellows, by the way). They appeared to have been there for hours and were a subdued group, to say the least. So when the magnificent singer dude got to his line, "After the roar of the crowd", he gestured to the audience with a majestic sweep of his hand. At this point, the 12-15 people in the room forced out a half-assed cheer/moan that sounded not unlike a group of zombies being shown a third grade magic trick. Ah, the roar of the crowd indeed...

That's it for now. Time to shower for my birthday dinner. I know Kambri and I aren't technically married, but I think tonight might be the night I get to Third Base! DOWN THE PANTS, BABY!

Christian had an unexpected trip to Florida and will be appearing at the various Improvs in W. Palm Beach, Ft. Lauderdale and Miami through the 26th. Buy tickets for the Miami Improv shows here.

While he soaks up some much needed sun (see post below for evidential photo), I am battling snow and freezing rain to bring you the following press updates:

-- My hometown paper, The Houston Chronicle, ran this interview today by Lana Berkowitz.

-- The Jeff Foxworthy Roast aired and Comedy Central has published clips of Christian interviewing the comics backstage before the show and at the after party. Here are the links:

Jeff Foxworthy Roast Interview with Jeff Foxworthy Video Clip

Jeff Foxworthy Roast Interview with Northern Comics Video Clip

Jeff Foxworthy RoastInterview with Southern Comics Video Clip

-- Christian and I both appeared on MoranoVision hosted by Frank Morano during his attempt to claim the Guinness World Record for longest televised talk show. (Current record is 29 hours, I think. MoranoVision taped for 33.) Other guests included Joe Franklin, Curtis Sliwa, Bernard Goetz and countless others. Read about it in Page Six. I'll let Christian tell you the surreal / funny parts if he ever gets around to writing again.

THE NIGHT TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME

So folks, this is a very special day in Finnegan-land. Comedy Central is airing my episode of Comedy Central presents tonight (Friday, March 11th) at 10pm. Yes, that's right--one full half hour of me doing my glorified dick jokes on your televsion screen. Don't believe me/ Check out the Time Warner Cable program guide:



Dear Christ, am I white...

Anyway, I know most people don't sit in on a Friday night to watch stand-up comedy on TV, but it's still far more meanginful to me than anything else I've done. So much so that I'm having a hard time being snarky about it. It's a genuine milestone in my little universe, and it goes a way toward making up for all of the drunken hecklers, the ego battles, the latenight subway debacles, the shows cancelled due to lack of audience, the threatening calls from collection agencies and the other, thrice weekly humiliations associated with being in this "business".

Interestingly, I started doing stand up exactly eight years ago this week. I'm not sure what I would have thought if someone told me I'd one day have a half hour on Comedy Central. Being a naive twat, I probably would have said, "Eight fucking years?! For one lousy half hour? Screw that." And then I would have settled into my publishing job and been eternally miserable for it. Thank god I'm no Nostradamus.

Anyway, check out the show tonight, if you can. If not, no worries--Comedy Central tends to air those over and over again. As a teaser, you can enjoy this little clip and interview from the Comedy Central website.

My next post will be funny. So let it be posted, so let it be done.

PAINFULLY SOBER

Greetings, friends. I'm currently in a hotel room in the DC area, back from performing at the glorious George Mason University. A strange gig, to say the least. The show took place in a massive food court kind of area, in a building that also housed the library (some students watched from the various floors above. The lights were neon and the ceiling was about a hundred feet high--it felt like performing in Superman's ice palace. Even better, situated next to the stage was a massive arts and crafts table. Yep, nothing makes a comedian feel professional like looking stage left and seeing thirty people playing with clay and construction paper. Definitely the proper setting for my glorified dick jokes. Don't get me wrong, the school was great and the kids seemed to really enjoy the show (except one woman who sat in the front row and sternly shook her head whenever I said anything that might be interpreted as 'off-color'). But a tad surreal, to say the least.

So I get back to the hotel a couple of minutes after midnight and I swing by the bar, hoping to grab a beer or three. The bar is just about to close up, which is not too surprising for a hotel bar. But that was fine, as I'd only planned to bring them up to my room anyway. But then he told me that it is against the law for a hotel to let you bring a beer from the bar up to you room? What the fucking fuck? How the hell am I supposed to develop a legitimate alcohol problem if these namby-pamby states won't allow me to get drunk while sitting on an uncomfortable king-sized bed, watching "In the Line of Fire" on the Superstation?

You know, hotels often host business conventions. I only mention that as an excuse to include a link to this. Enjoy.