RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
CONSTELLATIONS: I CALL BULLSHIT

That's right, you read the subject heading correctly--I'm oficially calling 'bullshit' on planetary constellations. Big Dipper? Okay, I'll give you that one. Little Dipper? Iffy at best, but fine. But the rest of them, Ursa Minor and all that nonsense? Sorry Poindexter, I don't buy it. Oh sure, people try to show point them out. "See? Right up there, slightly northwest of Saturn? There's the hunter...and there's his quiver of arrows...and he's riding a steed...?" And all I can think is, "Dude, there's only five fucking stars there." You're filling in some serious gaps. "See? Right up there--it's a giant crab, eating soup!" No, I don't see it.

And you know what else is bullshit? Fresh mozarella. You know, that taste-free white gourmet nastiness? I'm not saying fresh mozarella doesn't exist, mind you--I'm not crazy or nothin'. But I think it's time we all admit that fresh mozarella is a friggin' bust. Time and time again I'll be perusing some restaurant menu and I'll get all excited. "Ooo, fresh mozarealla and tomato salad! That sounds delicious--and classy! Thank god I'm not one of those philistines whoscarfs down un-fresh mozarella!" It's only once I'm chewing a bland slab of gentrified turd that I realize that I've once again been had. I'll take Cheez Whiz any day.

This is Andy Rooney, signing off.

TUESDAY NEWSDAY/WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY hybrid:
CURRENT HOUSE MEMBERS WITH SKELETONS MORE DISTURBING THAN MARK FOLEY'S

REP. KEN CALVERT (CA, 44th Dist.): Recently caught masturbating at the Vietnam Memorial.

REP. LANE EVANS (IL, 17th Dist.): Plays online Scrabble with Ayman Al-Zawahiri.

REP. VERNON J. EHLERS (MI, 3rd Dist.): In 1987, had one-nighter with Terri Schiavo. Never called.

REP. ROBERT E. "BUD" CRAMER (AL, 5th Dist.): Has memorized the entire libretto of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Starlight Express"--in GERMAN!

REP. DARLENE HOOLEY (OR, 5th Dist.): Upon hiring, forces each and every campaign staffer to "earn his Red Wings".

REP. EDOLPHUS TOWNS (NY, 10th Dist.): Worships the Golden Calf.

REP. TAMMY BALDWIN (WI, 2nd Dist.): Title of her college thesis? "The Case Against Retards".

REP. HAROLD ROGERS (KY, 5th Dist.): Has been overheard describing marital relations with his wife as a "sexual Auschwitz".

REP. WAYNE GILCHREST (MD, 1st Dist.): Using binoculars to look through your bedrom window at this very moment.

REP. DOC HASTINGS (WA, 4th Dist.): Cockfighting enthusiast.

REP. MARCY KAPTUR (OH, 9th Dist.): Needs fifty dollars to make you holler.

REP. NICK RAHALL (WV, 3rd Dist.): Lives in West Virginia.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
THE IMPROPER BOSTONIAN, Pt. II: The Bail-Out!

So in last week's "Self-Analysis Monday" entry, I concluded by saying I'd pick up the saga of my first trip back to my hometown-ish Boston, MA as a bonafide professional comedian. Well, a full week has led me to the conclusiuon that this story ain't all that interesting. So on today's "Self-Analysis Monday", a day I plan on devoting autobiographical vignettes and ruminatios on all of my frustrating and peculiar personality quirks, I will make this very bold declaration: whenever I end a blog entry with a promise to pick up the story at a later date, chances are pretty damn good I'll end up punking out. You, as a potentially faithful Tower of Hubris reader deserve to know that. Seriously, in this one area I am completely and utterly full of shit.

Just to not be a complete liar, here is the rest of my Boston weekend in a nutshell: I did four shows, one of which was awful and one of which was probably in my top ten of all time (the other two were solid, but unremarkable). A bunch of people from my hometown showed up--some expected, some not. A bunch of my relatives showed up to the really great show, which was a relief (Christmas this year would have felt a bit awkward if they'd seen the show where the mic kept shorting out). For the late show Saturday night (solid but unremarkable), a gaggle of the "popular" kids from my jr. high/high school were there. They weren't necessarily the douchebags who made my childhood miserable (well, maybe one or two of them), but they were most certainly friends with said douchebags. I was dismayed to discover that the years had turned them into downright likeable human beings (even Christina Watkins, who apparently I insulted by name on a VH1 show called My Coolest Years a couple of years back--sorry, Christina!). Or maybe they were always fine human beings and I just have a persecuation complex. Split the difference, I suppose. The bottom line is, I'm against this personal growth thing. Douchebags should remain douchebags--it makes life less complicated.

So I guess I continued "The Improper Bostonian" after all, albeit perfunctorily. Seriously though, the next time I end a blog entry with "to be continued", roll your eyes and give your monitor the finger.

WELCOME TO THIS VERY SPECIAL WEEKEND UPDATE!

Look, there are newsletters and there are newsletters. This one is the real f'in deal, peoples.

Contained herein:

Details about Two For Flinching, my debut CD to be released by Comedy Central Records on October 24th;
Announcement of the "Name My CD" contest winner, as well as the announcement of a new Finny-related contest;
A brief report on the 2006 Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal;
and more!

Yeah, you heard me right: MORE!

If you don't read this newsletter, you must be some kind of dick!

CASUAL FRIDAY:
I HAVE FRIENDS, Pt. I

Look, I have friends. No seriously, I do. And many of them exist in this glorious realm known as Cyberspace. Let's meet a few of them, shall we?

Adam Felber, the creator of Fanatical Apathy, has a new novel out ("Shrodinger's Ball") that got a sterling review in The New York Times. You should pay him lots of attention because he's important and shit.

"Happy Cruelty Day", the book written by Girls are Pretty curator Bob Powers, won't be out until March 2007. That gives you plenty to check out his website and wonder what Bob's fucking problem is.

The last in my trio of authorial-type friends is Chris Regan. He was a writer for The Daily Show, one of the co-writers of America the Book, and now he's in the process of turning his fantastic news website This Day in Mythstory into a volume of its own.

Speaking of great writers, check out Todd Levin's Tremble.com. He's so good I kind of hate him a little bit. Dick.

Check out RobPRocks, the website of comedian/songwriter/all-around swell guy Rob Paravonian. Of particular interest: "Life as a Comic", a videoblog that gives you a fly-on-the-wall look at what a comedian's life is really like.

And I'd probably be severely beaten by my lovely wife if I failed to mention that she is the creator of not one, but two fantastic websites. One is Daily Dose, where she tells fun little NYC-related anecdotes, talks shop (did I mention she was recently hured as the PR Director for Comix?), and occasionally gives away free tickets to all sorts of great shows. The other website is Love, Daddy: Letters From My Jailed Deaf Dad. I believe this one speaks for itself. Check it out and shake your head in disbelief at the fact that it's all 100% true.

I suppose that's enough for now. But I have more friends (honestly, I do!) and they all have great websites, so I'll be pimping them down the road.

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY CANNOT BE OVERSTATED

Yesterday I saw a dude who had completely shaved his head yet still wore a full beard (kind of like the first two fellas on this rather odd webpage). I don't approve of this look. The beard always looks phony--like something you might find in the Halloween aisle at KMart. Goatees are perfectly acceptable, despite being a tad out of date--in fact, goatees probably contributes to the general bad-assedness that dudes who shave their heads are going for. And moustaches are fine, especially if you're a gay man in his forties. But full beards just look downright silly. I think it's the temples/sideburns area, the way the hair just startsall the sudden. I'm sorry, but sideburns have to emerge from something, to flow forth from somewhere. They can't just stand alone on the upper face--it defies nature! That would be like me shaving all the pubes above my johnson, but leaving a bushy testicular 'fro.

Or maybe it's not. One thing is for sure, though: I just creeped myself out.

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY
THIS COLLEGE SEMESTER'S MOST FREQUENTLY DROPPED COURSES

History of the Thermostat, 1950 to Present

Race, Class, Gender and Quizno's

Musical Traditions of Manchester, New Hampshire

Fryolater Tech III

Cognitive Assessment of Wilmer Valderrama's "Yo Mama"

Brunch Studies 301: The Restoration

Introduction to Your Teacher's Assistant's Off-Campus Apartment and Genitalia

Ecology and the Music of Rush

Origins of the Cargo Pant

Practicum in Post-Colonial Buttfucking

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
THE CARDS NEVER LIE!

As you may have heard, it turns out Miss Cleo is a purveyor of the Sapphic arts. Like many, I was shocked--who knew my $3.99 a minute was going toward Marlene Dietrich posters and rare import Phranc bootlegs? Miss Cleo vows to contonue her psychic readings, only instead of tarot cards she'll now be reading WNBA ticket stubs. And instead of the traitional crystal ball, Miss Cleo will be gazing into a regulation softball.

Regardless, this story should serve as an inspiration to every young girl out there who dreams of one day becoming a shameless scam artist, robbing poor people of their life's savings with cruel promises of love and prosperity...but thinks that dream is unavailable to her simply because she enjoys eating pussy.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
THE IMPROPER BOSTONIAN, Pt. I

This past weekend I headlined The Comedy Connection in my hometown of Boston for the first time. I call Boston my hometown because, as far as I know, The Improv has yet to open up a branch in Acton, Massachusetts. Having moved to NYC when I eighteen, I was never a part of the rather established Boston comedy scene. Boston is perhaps the biggest comedy petri dish in the world--it may not be where everyone ends up, but a large percentage of the "greats" started here and many still remain. Seriously, ask around and you'll discover that something like one out of every three working (or aspiring) comics in this country grew up in the Massachusetts area. I have some theories as to why this may be, but that's for another blog entry. Anyway, Boston has such an established scene, they don't really need (or want) to bring in "headliners" like, say, Tampa does. So other than a few colleges and a couple of short spots at The Comedy Studio, this was really my first opportunity to "play Boston" and I jumped at the chance. The weekend had a number of high points and a few insanely awkward points. Here's a brief rundown of a rather surreal three days.

I got in on Thursday afternoon and almost immediately went to promote the show on Backstage with Barry Nolan. Barry Nolan is a guy you might recognize from "Extra" or "Hard Copy", and when I was a kid he used to host a Boston-area show called "Evening Magazine". Now he's back in Boston hosting this local cable show. When you're a kid, you have no concept of difference between local and network TV, so in my mind Barry Nolan was as big a star as Tom Selleck or Mr. T. So it was bizarre meeting him in person and even stranger to have him pretend to give a crap about whatever nonsense was coming out of my mouth.

That night I performed at Kowloon, a massive chinese restaurant in Saugus, MA, which is about ten physical miles and 10,000 cultural miles from downtown Boston. Saugus is the kind of place where middle aged women still sport Bon Jovi hairdos and use words like "retarded" and "queer" (pronounced "ree-TAH-did" and "KWEE-yah"). It sounds like a potentially rowdy crowd, and it might have been, if there were more than seventeen of them. In a room that sat about 300. Ouchie! Naturally, being my first real Boston show, this was a major kick in the spiritual nads. To make it even more awkward, an old friend of mine from high school was there (she'd emailed me earlier in the week to make sure the show wasn't sold out. Oof.) And the piece de resistance: there was some sort of high school dance going on in the room next door, so every time a waiter would enter or leave the showroom, we'd be bathed in the soothing sounds of the Ying Yang Twins. It was just about as close as you can come to a Spinal Tap moment in the comedy world. And yet, despite all of this, I hactually had a fun time--it's pretty hard to take yourself too seriously in a situation like that. It was one of those nights where I would have been better served to throw out all my material and just do crowdwork, as the seventeen people who were there were all really fun and lively people, Bon Jovi hair notwithstanding.

The next morning I went and did a couple of radio interviews, which is par for the course when you're doing "the road". The first was WZLX, a classic rock station I used to listen to a quite a bit in junior high school--I begged the DJs to "get the Led out", but they refused. Then I went over to a station called WROR, which is kind of one of those "soft hits" stations that you associate with insurance company cubicles. The DJs, "Loren and Wally" have been around forever, to the extent that i remember kind of making fun of them when I was a kid (granted I was, at the time, a moronic Dokken-loving pre-teen). So just as with Barry Nolan, I found myself shaking my head at the peculiarity of the situation. Interestingly, I had a great time on WROR, bantering with the genial chaps in between James Blunt and Kenny Loggins tunes. Part of me loves the idea of some human resources woman heading out to the comedy club to see that polite young man she heard on Loren and Wally, only to be confronted by my thoughts on teabagging and dickhole-stabbing.

Okay, this blog entry is sprialing out of control. I will continue my Boston update on next week's "Self-Analysis Monday". In the meantime, more nonsense.

CASUAL FRIDAY:
ART APPRECIATION

Good day, fans of high culture! I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to two of my favorite artists:


Brandon Bird

and...


Larry Van Pelt

Take a look around their respective sites. As you might imagine, I enjoy them for vastly different reasons.

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
DISTRESS SIGNALS

This is sort of a continuation of what I was writing at the tail end of Monday's entry.

I haven't been suckered into any bad-ass sportcoats, but I will admit to buying a few pairs of ridiculously overpriced jeans. At first I couldn't understand how jeans that were in such poor condition could cost so much. But then I was informed that, depsite appearances, said dungarees are not ripped or frayed--they are "distressed". My guess is, "distressing" is a process where a pair of jeans is given an AIDS test and then, two weeks later, asked to come in to the office to "discuss the results". It's all pretty ridiculous and I am absolutely a hypocrite for going ahead and buying into it.

I don't mind the idea of jeans looking faded and a bit tattered but I think the wear and tear marks should, at least, mimic the kinds of wear and tear one might acquire in real life. Faded around the knees? Perfectly understandable. Frayed down by the heel? Fine and dandy. But a four inch rip in the middle of your shin? That's fucking inane. I saw one pair that featured corresponding extreme fade marks on the outside of the thighs. Other than sliding down chimneys, how exactly would your pants ever come to be abused in this particular way? I'm guessing the model name for this particular pair of jeans would be "Low-Rise Hipster Santa Claus Boot-Cut". And I'm a complete hypocrite, because I purchased the most ridiculous pair of all. I own a pair of jeans with fifteen to twenty 3" circular wear-and-tear marks distributed evenly across the thighs and shins. I can't explain it--this beefy Queens sales guido told me they were cool and I was too intimidated to put them back on the shelf. I paid $130 of my hard-earned money to not offend a guy wearing a spandex muscle shirt. On the upside, I now have a pair of pants that makes it look like I have large powder blue measels.

I imagine the whole concept of distressed jeans must be a real slap in the face to the Indonesian pre-teens who are making the garments in the first place. "So let me get this straight," thinks young Ramelan*, "Americans like wearing jeans that are faded and torn? They actually want them that way? And they'll spend upwards of $200 for them?! Um...does anyone want to buy my jeans? Because they're plenty fucking "distressed"! Are these idiots for real?! Screw this, I'm out of here! Oh, right--I'm chained to my sewing machine. (sigh) Okay America, I'll make your silly pants...but I'm going to make them look as ridiculous as possible. Enjoy your faggoty-ass dungarees, Hipster Santa Claus!"


* Yes, I googled "Indonesian baby names". It's called cultural sensitivity, people.

My dad and I hosted Friday Night Stand up on Comedy Central on Father's Day 2005. Here are some SFW clips to kill some time:

Part II of the Thank Dad It's Friday
Part I of St. Patrick's Day at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin
Part II of St. Patrick's Day at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
WILLIE NELSON, THE ANTI-ANTI-DRUG

Listen, I have something to say to all of the kids out there: don't do drugs. No matter what you're friends tell you, getting involved with drugs will absolutely not make you look cool.

Unless you're a 73 year old musical legend! Try and tell me that Willie Nelson is not the greatest human being on the face of the earth. Nope, you can't do it. What's more lovable than the image of a bunch of elderly dudes tooling around the country in a tour bus fueled by french fry grease, sitting around jamming and getting baked? I'll tell you what: those same elderly dudes on that same tour bus, blitzed out of their minds on 'shrooms. This scenario "reality Show Gold" written all over it, but apparently the Man has a problem with a bunch of groovy oldsters trying to communicate with their spirit guides. Has Willie Nelson not earned the right to have us look the other way every once in a while? Thanks a lot, Officer Buzzkill--you've officially harshed a very mellow man's mellow.

I've never actually done real drugs before. Sure I've smoked pot a number of times, but I'm not a particularly good stoner. I'm willing to bet that when Willie smokes up, he doesn't lock himself in the bathroom because he's afraid no one at the party thought his "Knight Rider" reference was funny. I most certainly have certainly never done anything kooky like mushrooms. This, despite the fact that I was, during my restless teen underachiever years, accused of being a drug addict on a regular basis by my teachers and parents (a quote from my mother: "What are you on? Blue-ies? Green-ies?! RED-IES?!!"). But no, I'm a big square when it comes to that stuff. If I was going to become a bonafide druggie, though, mushrooms is definitely where I'd start--after all, they like "totally come from the Earth, man". Still, I doubt I could ever hang with Willie and his gang of septuagenarian hallucinators. While they sat around reminiscing about "that night in Muskeegee back in '77", I'd be licking the upholstery and trying to cram my head through the hole in Willie's acoustic guitar.

Still, if your'e reading this Willie (and I suspect he is, since rumor has it that Willie Nelson is an obsessive self-Googler), I hope you'll consider taking me out on the road for a few days. I promise not to narc and I'll do my best not to ask you what you were thinking with that Julio Iglesias bullshit.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
WEIGHT! WEIGHT! I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO LOVE YOU

So I've lost some weight over the past few months (click here for further video evidence). To answer a quick couple of questions, 1) No, I did not have gastric bypass surgery, and 2) I don't have a "secret", other than learning how to reconcile myself with hating life. Since January, I guess I've taken off somewhere in the range of 70 pounds. I've never discussed it on stage because...well, it's not funny.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about this de-fattening, but what's there to laugh at, really? Ten months from now, when I go on a KFC bender and gain all the weight back? That will be hilarious. Until then, I'm sort of in comedy limbo. You see, there's nothing less funny than actual accomplishment. See? Even that last sentence probably caused you to bristle a bit. "Ooh, you achieved something? Whoopdee freakin' do, you self-satisfied jackhole!"

Maybe it's a reflection on how I see the world, but the whole situation makes me feel unspeakably awkward. Every time someone says something complimentary, no matter how much I appreciate the gesture, I can't help but imagine that anyone overhearing the conversation is thinking, "Man, what a fucking tool." That's okay, though--people mocked at Joe Piscopo when he got into shape, and look at him! He's still hilarious!!!

Oh, wait. Shit.

Anyway, I've become something of a silly queen since my physical re-alignment. Yes, I was forced to get rid of my entire wardrobe, which necessitated a good bit of shopping. But the truth is...and I have a truly difficult time saying this...I've been enjoying it. You have to understand, for the past ten or so years I've shopped exclusively at a small boutique specializing in antique military apparel (you may know it as Old Navy). Either that or I'd go to The Gap and hope to find an XXL generous enough to conceal my man-teats. But now I can walk into petty much any store out there and pose in front of the mirror like a gen-u-ine metrosexual. It's a new me, I tell you. A new, unlikeable me.

By the way, I've been noticing a rather bizarre fashion trend lately: the Badassification of Functional Garments. It seems that the nouveau thing in Hipsterwear is silkscreening some gothic and/or violent design onto a nondescript piece of business casual. I'm sure you've seen it--normal green polo shirts that, for some reason, feature winged demons, pentagrams and severed limbs? I don't know how the trend got started but it's great news for me, as I'm constantly trying to reconcile my love of 100% cotton pull-overs with the teachings of Anton LaVey. Lords know how many times I've been shopping at Brooks Brothers thinking, "Man, I love that powder blue button-down. If only I could simultaneously convey the image of a gargoyle buttfucking a nun..."

I guess this is just all part of the internal negotiation a guy goes through when he finally admits that the band is breaking up and that it's time to get a real job. "Look, I'll wear your stupid blazer, Mr. Goldman Sachs! But no one is going to deny me my love of broadswords and large-breasted vampiresses!"

Or maybe I still have a bit to learn about fashion.

CASUAL FRIDAY:
I HEART JANICE

So my friend Todd sent me this wonderful link, and it fills me with delight. Now I know it might seem a bit lazy to just post a link to a silly viral video that's probably already made the e-rounds. But that, my friends, is why we're calling it "Casual Friday".

Viva You Tube.

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
POLE POSITION

I've always admired Olympians. So much dedication, so little payoff. Sure, I'm dedicated to stand up comedy, but let's be real here--my "dedication" allows me to get away with being drunk one third of the time. But when you're training for the Olympics, you're up at dawn every day, eating right, savaging your body. And for what? A Wheaties box? Maybe a four minute interview on "Regis & Kelly"? That hardly seems worth all the time and effort. And that's just the chosen few in the "glamour" events--figure skating, the decathalon, synchronized pommel horse tossing. But what about the rest of the poor souls who've devoted their lives to The Games? What's America's fifth best pole vaulter up to these days? Temping, I suspect. Seriously, if you're consdiering pursuing a career in pole vaulting, learn how to use Powerpoint.

How did pole vaulting get started? How does one even discover he's good at it? There are no pole vaulting Little Leagues. Dad never takes you out into the backyard and flings your shit over the hedges. I'm willing to wager the fifty best pole vaulters in the world are not even aware of it--they're just working in construction, completely unaware they're sitting on wellspring of useless potential. Until, one day, some dude is carrying a length of pipe across a construction site, he trips, and up he goes. "Holy shit," the poor soul thinks, "I could have been a pole vaulter."

But perhaps he's lucky--like I said, there's not much of a future there. Eventually he's going to have to let the dream die and apply for a real job and, sadly, pole vaulting is not exactly a "resume builder". He's never going to flip through the Classifieds and stumble upon a listing that reads, "HIGH POWERED POSITION IN CORPORATE FINANCE FIRM. $200G PLUS COMPANY CAR. ELEVATOR BROKEN; PLEASE ENTER DIRECTLY AT THIRD FLOOR". Bascally, one's only hope as a former pole vaulter is to find a university gig and try to convince other deluded youngsters that they should devote their lives to learnng how to run fast while carrying a long, bendy stick.

This, by the way, is not unlike the scam run by most acting teachers.

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
WORLD'S LEAST REPUTABLE CHARITY EVENTS

Massage for a Cure

The Concert for Nantucket

The NAMBLA Interfaith Water Balloon Toss and Texas Chili Cook-Off

Spinabifida Raps!

The National Tourette's Syndrome Foundation Silent Auction

An All-Star Salute to Scott Peterson

Adopt-a-Gay-Bathhouse High Society Ball

The Ayman Al-Zawahiri Invitational Golf Classic

Fingerpopalooza 2006

Operation Rescue presents: An Evening with Josh Groban

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
YOU'RE DOING FINE, OKLAHOMA!

There is a major cultural battle afoot in Snyder, Oklahoma, a town best known for...well something, I'm sure. This past week, town sheriff Tod (leave off the extra "D" for savings!) Ozmun was forced to resign amid a barrage of public criticism. It seems his wife Doris got bored and posted some nude photos of herself on the web. Now I know what you're thinking: sounds perfectly harmless, right? In fact, it sounds downright intriguing. Hell if you're a guy, this scenario may conjure up some sort of "horny housewife"/"law enforcement" type fantasy. You're probably envisioning Doris this very moment, basing her on your favorite childhood archetyopes--me, I immediately went to Heather Locklear circa T.J. Hooker. At first glance, this looks like a witch hunt. So this young lady decided to put on a little boobie show--so what? What kind of Puritanical, shithole town would punish a man because his wife showed the decency to share her yabbos on the privacy of the world Wide Web?! How DARE you, Snyder, OK?!!

Well before you call the ACLU or start up an online petition, perhaps you should read the article and meet Ms. Ozmun personally.

Feel a bit different now, don't you? It's okay to admit it, fellas--we're all a bit shallow. I'll be honest: I feel shitty discussing this poor woman's looks in a public forum, but 1) I'm sure if she's self-googling, this site is pretty far down the rather extensive list of "sheriff+wife+nude" search requests and 2) anyone who posts nekkid photos of herself in a public forum is pretty much inviting reviews.

Anyway, I'm now pretty firmly on the side of the townsfolk of Snyder. They're being miscast as anti-sex crusaders when it's quite possible that they, as a citizenry, are simply skeeved out. For you and I, this is just a blip on the news radar. But the average Snyder-ite is forced to bump into Doris Ozmun on a regular basis--at the supermarket, at the free clinic, at the monster truck rally. And every time he does, he will inevitably conjure up an image of her naked. Try looking at her picture again--you're picturing her naked aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!! No? well, how about NOW?! Not too pleasant, eh? Now imagine sharing a Red Lobster salad bar with her.

Let's not judge the people of Snyder, Oklahoma too harshly, mm-kay?

CASUAL FRIDAY:
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD...

Here is a picture taken this past Spring outside of a relatively shitty restauarant next door to my relatively shitty hotel in relatively shitty Hartford, CT. I believe this picture says all there is to say about the perils of show business:



Breathtaking, is it not? Obviously, this theatrical extravaganza is a poor man's "Tony & Tina's Wedding" made all the more pathetic when you consider that "Tony & Tina" ain't all that expensive. Despite my being there a good ten days before opening night, I immediately rushed into the The Chowder Pot IV (not to be confused with The Chowder Pot I - III), hoping against hope that "Joey and Maria's Comedy Wedding" was in previews. Alas, it was not to be and I was forced to endure my chewy swordfish and cheesy potato monstrosity while listening to your garden variety George Thorogood/Eddie Money soundtrack. If only...

At least I had the good sense to capture this glorious image of Man's inhumanity to Man on digital film. It's served as a source of genuine inspiration to me over the past few months--whenever I turn in a terrible set or lose out on a big career opportunity, I gaze at this photo and think to myself, "It most surely could be worse".

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
MAD HOPS, YO

Why does Corona have dibs on the whole lime-in-beer thing? Last week I asked a bartender to put a lime in my Brooklyn Lager and he acted like I asked him to fart into the bottle. Is there something specifically citrus-ready about Corona, or did they just call "Shotgun" on limes? And why aren't other beer companies staking claim to their own silly garnishes? Where's the vision, I ask you? From now on, whenever I order a Sam Adams I'm going to demand the bartender scrounges up a slice of mango. Henceforward, Bass Ale will be accompanied by a single barbecue spare rib (to be used as a swizzle stick). And Heineken? Best served with the fingernail of a homeless dude.

Oh, and I hear Budweiser is quite delicious when you mix in a little beer.

OOOH SHIT! THAT'S RIGHT, ANHEUSER-BUSCH! FACE!!! BETTER PUT SOME OINTMENT ON THAT BURN!

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY:
HISTORY'S LEAST POPULAR PIRATE NAMES

Captain Clogs

Peg Arm Pete

Perfectly Adequate John Silver

Abstinence Annie

Cap'n Thomas Aquinas

Reacharound Joe

Bell Jar Bill

Powerpoint Jack

Gentleman Jimmy Walker

Yellowteats

Enjoy this clip of Christian, Sherrod Small & Jessica St. Clair promoting Best Week Ever's 100th Episode on The Today Show this morning:

Is Superman Gay?

Christian Finnegan & Nick Kroll debate the facts in this clip from Best Week Ever called The Pop Culture Debate Club:

Christian heads to Montreal, Canada for The Just for Laughs International Comedy Festival, the largest comedy festival in the world.

Check him out at Bubbling with Laughter on the 17th & 18th at 9:30 PM. (Click here for more info.) On the 19th, he'll be performing in a Gala hosted by Craig Ferguson. (Click here for more info.) You can watch a video of him on the Late, Lates Show with Craig Ferguson by selecting "Video" from the Multimedia link above in the new fancy navigator.

Christian will perform in a host of other shows yet to be announced and will be conducting interviews and "reporting" for MySpace's comedy page. Check the official website for all the show details and look for updates here on the new and improved Tower of Hubris!

What Your Favorite Summer Movie Says About You

Watch Christian's commentary from last night's episode of Best Week Ever:

TiVO Alert for Tomorrow, July 13th
Christian will appear on Paula Zahn NOW airing on CNN from 8:00 - 9:00 PM EST.


UPDATE: CNN postponed the segment due to the crisis overseas. Whatever. If not knowing where Suri Cruise is isn't a crisis then I don't know what is!

MAC AD SPOOF
Christian Finnegan & Nick Kroll spoof the Mac Ads. Oh my, look how crazy geeky Christian looks as the PC. Incidentally, the PC in the real commercials is played by Finny's good friend John Hodgman.

This weekend Christian Finnegan will be in our great nation's capitol (Washington DC, for you non-Mensa members) to record his debut stand up comedy CD, produced and distributed by Comedy Central Records. Impressed? We thought so.

Come be a part of this historic occasion at the DC Improv located at 1140 Connecticut Ave., N.W. Street from July 6th 9th. Visit www.dcimprov.com or call (202) 296-7008 for show times, prices and to purchase advanced tickets.

Christian & I hope to see you all at the Improv this weekend. Thank you for playing!

Set your DVR to record the Today Show this Friday when Christian and two other Best Week Ever panelists go on to discuss the intricate goings-on of such culturally important events like:

Angelina Jolie's sit down with Anderson Cooper,
Connie Chung's unfortunate send off, and
I'm sure, Brittney's interview with Matt Lauer.

You won't want to miss this ground-breaking television event!

Christian was a guest blogger over at Punchline Magazine. Read his piece called "The Bad Set Decoder Ring" which decifers the true meaning behind those comments comics give each other after a show.

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANT SAYS ABOUT YOU

Last week, the folks at Best Week Ever asked me to compile a "Favorite American Idol Contestant" list, which is a version of the "What Your Purchases Say About You" segment I often do on the show, which (as the few longtime readers who still visit this site know) was inspired by the "What Your Favorite Album/Movie/Book Says About You" lists I used to write for TOH. Well, as is always the case when I do one of these BWE (that's my handy code for Best Week Ever) versions, they only ended up using four examples. So rather than just let 45 minutes of work go to waste, I've decided to post the full list, for your theoretical enjoyment.

Being that this list was written last week, it includes jettisoned d-bags Bucky Covington and Ace Young. The whole conceit of this list is a bit flawed, in that if you're a huge American Idol fan, you're already a certain kind of person no matter who your "fave" is. But perhaps it's still worth a chuckle of two.

So here's what you're saying about yourself, if your favorite conterstant is...


TAYLOR HICKS - "I have fond and tender memories of my 8th Grade Social Studies teacher."


CHRIS DAUGHTRY - "Boy, do I love rockers! Actual rock music? ...Not so much."


ELLIOTT YAMIN - "I pick my favorite American Idol contestants according to who looks most likely to sell me Ecstasy."

Alternate: "You know, the importance of dentistry in pop music is way overrated."


ACE YOUNG - "I'm less than one year away from getting my menses!"


BUCKY CONVINGTON - "Hey, person stuck behind me in traffic: enjoy my collection of racist and/or homophobic bumper stickers!"

Alternate: "You know, that reminds me--I need to stop and get gas."


KATHERINE McPHEE - "I've seen Les Miz fourteen times."

Alternate: "For a good time family vacation, you can't beat Branson, Missouri!"


KELLIE PICKLER - "We had to go into Iraq after what Saddam did to us on 9/11!"

Alternate: "GA-HILK!"


PARIS BENNETT - "You know, I'd be a big Mary J. Blige fan...if only she were freakishly perky."

Read All Things Me a newsletter of, by and all about Christian. Among other things, it includes a contest for naming his debut CD being produced this year and a hot photo of me and Erik Estrada. Well, technically, it's a picture of me, Erik and Christian but that's nothing a little photo shop can't fix.

Check out this clip of Christian on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Christian will be on Comedy Central tonight when they re-air his 1/2 hour special, Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan, tonight during Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo beginning at 9:00 PM EST.

Also, on Monday, April 10th Christian will appear on the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS.

Just so Christian doesn't get too big for his britches, I'm knocking him back down a notch by posting a clip of him hosting TV Land's Game Time with a chimpanzee in a game called "Apprentice to a Monkey".

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHRISTIAN
As a birthday gift, NBC aired Christian's appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly. Here's the clip featuring a whopping four minutes of stand up by the birthday boy. Watch it at Vimeo.com

View this clip on Vimeo

TUNE IN TONIGHT!
Christian taped a short set for Last Call with Carson Daly. He graded himself a "B" but you can judge for yourself when it airs tonight, Friday, March 31st. Check your local listings for times and channels. (That last line was for our parents.)

If you missed Christian's "appearance" on Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky, fret not. You can listen to the entire show at lovelinearchive.com. Simply scroll down to March 16th and click on Christian's name.

Reminder
Tune in to kroq.com from 10:00 - 12:00 PST tonight to listen to Christian take calls and give sexual advice with Dr. Drew Pinsky on Loveline.

Check out All Things Me, a newsletter of, by and all about Christian Finnegan. Click here.

ME, DRUNKENLY PONTIFICATING THROUGH YOUR EAR BUDS

I recently sat down with Tim Coyne, a childhood neighbor of mine and now host of the wicked-cool "Hollywood Podcast". We had a long, rather bizarre conversation, fueled in no small part by Jack Daniels and Diet Dr. Pepper. Topics include: my extensive and nonexistent drug history, the difference between a 'wussy' and a 'spaz', my brief career as a heavy metal singer, my awkward teen years, my awkward post-teen years, and the word 'hack', defined. And what interview would be complete without an off-key rendition of the Scorpions' classic, "No One Like You"? To hear our chat in all its rambling glory, as well as lots of other great stuff, go to www.thehollywoodpodcast.com.

Maybe you caught Christian on The Today Show this past Monday chatting with Katie Couric about the Oscars. Maybe you didn't. Either way, I took "behind the scenes" footage and uploaded it to YouTube.com and included the entire clip that aired.

It takes a while to load so click it, hit pause while it downloads and come back to it later.

CREWS CONTROL!

At this time, I would like to call a bit of attention to the recent accomplishments of Ms. Kambri Crews, publicist and girlfriend extraordinaire. Kambri has had an autobiographical essay published on FRESH YARN -- the first Online Salon for Personal Essays. Fresh Yarn numbers among its contributers many of the most respected authors, film and TV writers and performers in the entertainment industry. As you can imagine, this is a pretty sweet gig. But then, if you know anything about Kambri's life story, you know it's definitely the stuff of great storytelling. I won't really spoil it for you, I'll just provide this link to her fantastic essay, "Just Like My Daddy". READ IT, WINNERS!

And along those same lines, Kambri has recently started Love, Daddy, a blog devoted to the funny/strange/sad/mystifying relationship she has with her father, a deaf man currently serving a life sentence at the Texas State Penitentiary for the attempted murder of his third wife. The site is full of interesting anecdotes, great pictures and excerpts from the rather odd jailhouse writings of Mr. Cigo Crews himself. It's truly fascinating stuff--chances are, anything you went through as a child will seem downright mundane by comparison. READ IT (ALSO), WINNERS!

Much obliged. Now back to your regularly scheduled lives.

N-N-N-N-NINETEEN

Friends, family and well-wishers,

I would like to take a moment and offer up my sincere thanks to everyone who took the time to vote for me in Comedy Central's Stand Up Showdown. Thanks to your persistant e-participation, I managed to land at Number 19 on Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". I realize that the results of contests like this depend heavily on how successfuly a comic mobilizes his/her "fanbase" (yes, I just cringed with embarassment while typing that word). So I take this little tidbit of news as evidence not that I am now the world's 19th most brilliant purveyor of yuks, but that there are a number of fantastic people out there who have shown (and continue to show) me a great deal of support.

I thank you unreservedly.

Need proof? Well, lookie here:





See?? I had to look around the apartment for a Sharpie and everything!

Well, that's all for now. Just one quick reminder to join super-wicked-awesome mailing list, if you've not already done so. There's going to be some fun stuff coming up, including free tickets, silly contests and completely inane prizes. In fact, let's kick things off: I will sign something completely random from my home and mail it to you, if you're the first person to know what the subject heading of today's post is referencing (other than the Stand Up Showdown). Click "comment", if you know the answer--but be specific!

p.s. Thanks again!

S.O.S.! HELP! ASSISTANCE!


Dearest friends,

I recently received a tragic piece of news: according to my sources within Hollywood, beloved child actress Dakota Fanning has contracted a rare virus that is causing her freakishly large eyes to grow at such a rate they they threaten to consume her entire skull. Apparently, the only way to save her precious life is to vote for me, Christian Finnegan, in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown. I know it sounds strange, but you don't want that poor girl's blood on your hands, do you? DO YOU??!

Also, I feel compelled to mention that voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (there's that link again) can add 1-3 inches to the length of your penis. You know...if that's your kind of thing.

Not buying it? Okay, how's this: I'm a pathetic weenie, grovelling for your charity. Hell, whatever motivates you to spend a few seconds voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (last time, I promise) is a-okay with me. Just follow your heart.

Time is running out, people. Let's all get on the Finny train before I slip out of the Top 25 and I'm forced to have an awkward "What happened?" conversation with my relatives. Just go to Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (okay, I lied), scroll down towards the bottom until you see my big, dumb face and click "Vote Now". And then, do the same thing tomorrow. Think of it as exercise for your mouse-ing muscles.

Thank you so for your continued support.

Check out the Best Week Ever clip dated Wednesday, January 18th for Christian's last installment of What Your Purchases Say About You. Click here for the video.

Read All Things Me, a promotional newsletter by Christian Finnegan.

To subscribe to All Things Me, submit the completed form below. Subscribers are the first to receive his newsletter which will include chances to win free tickets to upcoming shows and other cool stuff, exclusive interviews, career updates and the like. Subscribe today!

VOTE NOW! CONVINCE COMEDY CENTRAL I'M VALID!

Good day, inhabitants of this magical land known as the Tower of Hubris.

As a result of the large amounts of laundered cash I've been leaving behind a dumpster, or perhaps due to some clerical error, I have been named one of Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". As you can imagine, this is quite an honor.

On January 29th 2006, Comedy Central will be airing half-hour specials by the entire "Top 25", countdown-style, as part of their "Stand Up Show Down". If you would be so kind as to take a moment and vote for little ol' me, I would be eternally grateful. I have no lillusions about beating out all of the other great comics on the list (not to mention a couple of not-so-great ones). But I AM hoping to avoid coming in 25th.

So go to http://www.comedycentral.com/events/SUSD/. Scroll down to the bottom, pick me, then click "Vote Now". Spread the word and vote often! Free turkey sandwich to the person who votes the most often (thereby skewing and invalidating the whole process)!

And remember: Comedy Central will air the stand up comedy specials of all 25 finalists (including mine) on Sunday, January 29th. Check it out, coolies.

Sincerely,
Christian Finnegan,
the captain of your heart

HAPPY NEW YEAR!



The Calendar page is updated which includes mostly college gigs for all you students out there. If you want to book Christian to appear at your school, drop an email and he'll have his people contact your people...or something like that.

Did you know Christian was on MySpace? Yup, he is.

Christian appeared on The Today Show last Friday and Matt Lauer snuck in a couple of zingers of his own regarding Tom Cruise. AOL picked the clip as a Top 5 TV moment from Friday. Poll results show it in the lead as the favorite clip with a whopping 69% of votes.

Watch the video.

MEDIA BLITZ DE LA FINNY (plus one joke)

Howdy, friendlies.

Shall I go into the whole "sorry i haven't posted in a long time" crap again? Nah--I fear the resulting massive eye-rolling that would follow could result in injury.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, this posting comes in four parts, the last of which will be a genuine joke of sorts--maybe not the funniest joke I've ever written, but Im hoping it will take the self-serving edge of this largely promotional missive.

Alright, let's get to it!

1) I will be appearing on the Today Show tomorrow morning (Friday, December 9th), along with my fellow Best Week Ever-ers Chuck Nice and Sherrod Small. I'm not exactly sure where our segment will be slotted, but it usually falls somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30am. Tune in to chek out the flirtaciously awkward dynamic I have with Katie Couric (I've told Katie I have a girlfriend, but the poor girl, but she just can't stop calling me). FYI, Sherrod, Chuck and I will be promoting tomorrow night's debut of the one-hour "Best Year Ever" special on VH1 (check your local listings!).

2) On Tuesday, December 13th I will be taping an episode of Friday Nights with Greg Giraldo. Greg will be interviewing me, showing embarrasing old photos of me and most assuredly insulting me in a variety of ways. You don't want to miss it! If you'd like to be in the studio audience (please please please), e-mail freegreggiraldotix@yahoo.com for FREE TICKETS. Make sure you include your name, age, phone number, what week(s) you would like to attend and how many tickets you'd like.

The studio is located at 222 East 44th between 2nd and 3rd Ave in New York City. Arrival time is between 5:45 and 6:15 pm and the show finishes around 8:15 pm.

3) From Wednesday 12/14 through Saturday 12/17, I will be appearing at the world-famous Laff Stop in Houston, TX. If you live in the Houston area, come on out to a show. It should be a great weekend, considering that the highlight of my offstage time will be a daytrip with Kambri to visit her father, who is a currently a resident of the Huntsville State Penitentiary. Say hello to twenty new minutes of material! Anyway, the Houston Press published an interview with me in today's edition and I must say, it's a pretty good one. READ IT HERE!


4) Okay, here goes:

Here's something that's been bothering me lately: what exactly is the difference between a fact and a factoid? I was watching something on the History Channel about publishing and as they went to commerical, the screen read, "FACTOID: The first crossword puzzle was published in December 1913". Okay, I guess that's what you might call a 'factoid'. but you know what else it is? A fact. So I guess what makes it a factoid is that it's pointless and kind of stupid? I guess that sort of makes sense, as you never hear someone using factoids in life or death situations. you're never going to hear a trial attorney say, "The evidence clearly shows that my client was nowhere near the bowling alley on the night of the triple-murder. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a FACTOID!"

So I guess a factoid is just a fact that makes you say, "Hmm...that's kind of interesting. I wonder what else is on?"

Blog entry complete!

You watch them every Friday night on VH1 and now you can start your Friday morning with them on the Today Show!

Tune in this Friday, December 9th to see Christian Finnegan and two other top Best Week Ever panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture.

HEY, YOU

Gothamist Interviewed Christian. Read the whole thing here.

Also, tonight at tomorrow is Best Week Ever Live at UCB Theater. Here's the plug:
You watch them every Friday on VH1 and now you can watch them LIVE! See Best Week Ever's top panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture. They won't have the crutch of basic cable production values -- it's nothing but raw nerve and sharp wit in this workshop production.

Starring Christian, Doug Benson, Paul Scheer and Danielle Schneider.

November 9th & 10th
UCB Theater
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY
212.366.9176
9:30 PM
Tickets: $8.00 - Buy Online

WHEN IN DOUBT...

...post a picture of yourself kissing a chimp.

FIGHT THE POWER (Or, if not "fight", whine about the power in a standard elitist manner)

So rumors are afoot that our Vice President may step down if he's indicted in this whole CIA leak thingy. I sincerely doubt this is true, but if so, I'm sure it's all just some Machiavellian plan to groom a Republican candidate in 2008 whose name isn't "John McCain". But I do see one indisputable upside for Cheney, if he steps down--he'll finally be able to reveal to the world that he's actually The Penguin from the old "Batman" TV show.'

To be honest, I've always felt a kinship with the Vice President. Have you ever watched Cheney's face while Dubya is giving a speech? He gets this tense, awkward smile on his face--it's a look I think many men recognize. It's the look you get when you're dating a woman whom you get along with well in private, but you're always afraid to bring her to a party because of the stupid shit that might come out of her mouth. You know how it is--the sex is good, she laughs at your jokes, makes you feel cool. But then you introduce her your friends and she starts telling them about how much she loves the novels of Anne Rice. Suddenly that tense Dick Cheney smile sweeps across your face and you're whispering, "Oh my god, you're such an idiot. Please shut the fuck up. Please...please...please..." through your teeth. And then, if you're Dick Cheney, you fly away on an umbrella.

Oh, and for the record, I'm sure that you women have dated guys who have elicited the same feeling of public awkwardness. But I can't really speak to that, as I've never dated a dude (regardless of what you'd think watching me play sports). But as was my original point, I'm sure our glorious president's prom date experienced similar feelings of discomfort and embarrassment.

Bush is a tool, but honestly I think every president is set up to fail. It's the downside of Democracy. Seriously, do you think "Two Party System" is really what The Founders had in mind? In our system, you have half of all elected officials desperately trying to cockblock the other half. Yeah, you can talk about civil service and bipartisanship, but when it gets right down to it, a politician's career is 100% dependent on the guys on the other side of the aisle sucking just a little bit harder than you do.

For example: last week the Iraqi constitution passed, which is a good thing...in theory. Sure, the democrats said all the right things ("This is a great day for Democracy, blah blah blah"), but you know inside they were all screaming "FUCK! Why did it have to go well?! Couldn't there have been a terrorist incident, or something?! You know, no casualties or anything--just enough to fuck shit up a little!" You could see it while they were being interviewed--the Democrats all sounded the way you do when you find out your ex-girlfriend is having sex with someone new. "Oh, the Iraqi constitution passed? I was so busy working on education bill, I didn't even notice! But that's great...you know, about the consitution... About time something went right over there, know what I mean? I mean, the whole situation is a clusterfuck and it will probably explode into violence at any moment. But you know. . .good for them. No, seriously. I wish them the best. Oh, and our economy still sucks, by the way--just in case anyone forgot."

It's not that Democrats want the the new Iraqi government to fail outright; they just want the situation to stay unstable until they can get one of their guys (or Hillary) into the White House, at which point they will magically begin describing The New Iraq as a land of dewdrops and candy canes. Republicans are no different, of course. Remember all of the "shame and disappointment" Republicans claimed with regard to Clinton's poontang-ery? Horseshit. Hell, they could barely contain themselves, their joy was so palpable. If there had been a camera trained on Trent Lott's face when he heard about the infanmous jizz-stained dress, we'd have seen the reaction not of a man horrified by presidential abuse of power, but that of a gleeful child on Christmas morning. "A jizz-stained dress?! For me?!!! It's so...beautiful!! THANK YOU, SANTY CLAUS!!!"

But I suppose we get the government we deserve. I truly believe that Democracy is the best way to go, but let's be hones--it ain't perfect. Am I the only person who finds it odd that the leader-of-the-free-fucking-world is chosen, in part, by the same people who made Steven Segal a millionaire? You're telling me I get the exact same say in who controls our military as the chick who spent three hours on the phone trying to get Bo Bice into the semifinals? This is serious stuff her--we have soldiers dying in Fallujah because millions of Americans decided they wanted a president who could "Git 'R Done". We have to put some controls in place here. After all, convicted felons aren't allowed to vote, so it's not like we're above deciding who's "worthy" of participating in the electoral process. I think it's high time we made a few other tweaks in the equation. For instance, if you own an Ashlee Simpson CD, you should not be allowed to vote. Or if you currently have a subscription to InStyle Magazine. Or if in the past four years you've paid to see a movie featuring more than one Wayans brother--I'm sorry, but you cannot be counted on for sound judgment. Here are a few other automatic electoral DQ's:

* If you have, in the last twelve calendar months, burped and blown it into someone's face

* If you are a college graduate yet still regularly use 'emoticons'.

* If that "Proud to Be an American" song has ever left you misty-eyed

* If you watched the "Biker Boyz" DVD extras

* If you have ever simultaneously worn denim jeans, a denim jacket and (most importantly) a denim shirt

Call your local representatives, people--let's make this happen!


P.S. This kind of shit is what made that Marine want to kick my ass. (see below).

BAD 'BAMA JAMMA

I'm currently in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm performing all weekend at a rather beautiful comedy club known as the "Stardome". The weather has been nice, the other comics on the bill are funny and cool, and all of the staff has been friendly and helpful. Why, you could almost say it's been the perfect comedy weekend!

Oh, did I mention during Friday night's show, eight staff members had to physically drag a drunk Marine out of the showroom before he could climb onto the stage and kick my ass? No? I didn't mention that? Oh, we all that happened, too.

I can't tell you how surreal the whole thing was. I was about fifteen minutes into my set when a guy stood up and yelled something toward/at me. I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, so I said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sir, but I forgot to bring my Drunk-to-English dictionary with me". People laughed, and the guy got really furious. He started yelling "I'M A MARINE! I'M A MARINE!" This was not a shock to me, as I'd heard someone yell this during the emcee's set, albeit in a far more affable tone. I apologized for making fun of his non-sobriety and invited the audience to give him a round of applause in appreciation of his military service. This choice was inspired both my genuine admiration for our men and women in uniform and by my sincere desire to not get my ass kicked.

Okay, more the latter than the former, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm honestly assuming this was going to be the end of it. But then he begins to approach the stage, inspiring members of the staff to sweep in from various corners of the room. The Marine is now screaming, "I'VE SPENT TWO YEARS IN IRAQ! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!" I suppose the subtext here is, "I fought for your freedom of speech, so now I'm going to kick your ass for speaking freely."

At this point, things get physical. The guy has grabbed on to a railing, as staff members try to drag the guy towards the door. They had help from the dude's two Marine buddies, who for the record seemed genuinely embarrassed by their friend's behavior. At this point, I had to start cracking jokes, because the audience was just sitting there, dumbfounded. The more jokes I would make, the more insanely determined this guy was to pummel the living shit out of me. I cannot stress this enough--this man absolutely would have put me in the hospital. The whole ordeal lasted a solid 5-7 minutes, which felt like a fucking eternity. As he was being "ushered" out, he kept yelling, "I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE!!!" Once things calmed down, I got a good amount of laughs talking about the ordeal, and I think everyone was relieved when I got back to doing my prepared material. Still, the event had a rather chilling effect on the set as a whole (go figure!). By the end of my set, people were ready to go home--if for no other reason than so they could get to the business of telling people about how they almost saw a stand up comedian get murdered onstage.

I should mention that the staff were prepared for this guy to be a problem from the get-go. He'd shown up drunk and by the time I took the stage, had been "cut off" by the manager, which is usually when the problems start. And the manager told me when they dragged the guy out to his car, there were two empty bottles of vodka on the floor! Yee-haw! But I have to assume there was something about me specifically that set him off.

Now this is the part where I'd like to make it sound like that this guy hated me because my material was so cutting edge--that I was so unrelenting in my critique of our government and culture that it made this grunt's head explode. A lot of New York liberal elitists would take a potentially violent attack by an Alabama redneck as a sign of indie cred. But the truth is, I had kind of de-balled my set in anticipation of playing to Birmingham crowds. I had smoothed all the rough edges, removed just about anything I thought might be a bit too "problematic" for conservative Bush-loving Alabamans--to the extent that I didn't feel 100% excited about the set I'd put together. But I'm trying to establish myself as a headliner, and The Stardome is very well-regarded club, blah blah blah blah blah....

I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, I really want to be the kind of comic who can entertain any crowd--I really get frustrated with many of my NYC comic peers who can make a bunch of 20-something hipsters laugh, but feel "above" trying to reach the other 96% of the country. You can have mass appeal without being a total hack--Chris Rock manages it. So does Dave Chappelle. And Ellen DeGeneres. But then on the other hand, when playing a city like Birmingham, I feel like I'm forced to play with half a deck. It's not just political material you have to avoid, it's also anything even remotely of-the-moment, culturally. Tonight I asked how many people in the audience owned an iPod. You would have thought I'd presided over a lesbian wedding while simultaneously performing a third-trimester abortion on stage. I don't yet have the career currency to do exactly the set I want to do without consideration of where I'm performing, who I'm performing for, etc.--you can't really get away with that until audiences are coming out to see you, specifically. Remember, George Carlin and Richard Pryor didn't reinvent the wheel until after they'd already become pretty famous using...well, the regular wheel.

Of course, I'm sure that's what lots of hacks tell themselves.

The point is, I was hardly going out of my way to provoke the Birmingham crowd. Still, I guess there must have been something I said to inspire Semper Fi's rage. The disruption started when I was tackling an extremely controversial subject: the board game Monopoly. But I imagine his anger probably started about five minutes earlier when I did a very short, very tame bit about America being like a high school bully. I opted not to point out to the crowd that this guy, someone charged with representing our nation to the citizens of the world, wanted to combat my "bully" premise b y beating the shit out of me. But honestly, I don't think that one thirty-second bit was enough to set him off. No, I think there was just something about me, the way I choose to form sentences that made him say, "Hey, this guy's not one of us". I think I must give off a pungent "Yankee Faggot" scent.

So there you have it--one of the stranger gigs I've had in...well, weeks. Ahhhhh, comedy!

ILL HUMORED

Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.

People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.

FASHION SHOW

A couple of days ago, I saw an elderly man wearing a skipper hat. That's kind of an underappreciated look, isn't it? A skipper hat says, "I'm in control. I can handle any situation. Either that, or I'm mentally retarded." I actually found the hat kind of comforting, seeing as this particular elderly gent was sitting across the aisle from me on an airplane. I figured if shit started to go down--terrorism, mechanical failure, et cetera--I could turn to him and yell, "DO SOMETHING, CAP'N!!!"

So the skipper hat was a bold choice, but what really made this guy's outfit was his sweatshirt. It was plain white, with a couple of random spaghetti sauce stains. But on the front was printed, "IT'S NOT AN EMPTY NEST UNTIL THEY GET THEIR STUFF OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Yeah, you said it, grandpa! Zing! Take that, whippersnappers! What is the age where one completely stops giving a shit about he looks in public? When do you stop picking out clothes that you think "make a statement" and start wearing sweatshirts that actually make statements? I want to think this guy simply doesn't care about what he wears, and not that he picked that sweatshirt out on purpose. I don't want to imagine this guy walking into Spencer Gifts and declaring, "Yes! I have found the sweatshirt I've been looking for all these years! This garment aptly describes what it's like to have adult children who have moved out of your home and yet still don't display the proper level of responsibility! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!!"

Then again, I'm currently wearing a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt, so who am I to judge?

PHOTO ETIQUETTE

I've never understood the things people do in photographs. A friend of mine went to Disneyland recently and he had his picture taken with Goofy. This, in and of itself, is a strange decision for a 34 year old man. But what I really found strange is that my friend felt the need to give the thumbs-up sign in the picture. Why do people do that? What is the message you're trying to get across there? That's like something politicians do. "Ladies and gentleman, I approve of Goofy. Goofy, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work! Goofy and me, working together for a better America!" The only possible reason I can imagine for a non-politician to give the thumbs-up sign in a picture is if you're trying to let people know you're not being kidnapped. I mean, if you're seven years old and "Goofy" is taking your picture in the back of his windowless van, by all means give us a thumbs-up. "It's okay, mommy and daddy--I'm here of my own free will! Goofy invited me back to his apartment for a wrestling match and if I win I get a Jolly Rancher! Yayyyy!"

Another thing people do in photos is point at the other person in the picture. They'll throw one arm over you in a "he's my bestest buddy in the world" kind of fashion and with the other hand, point at you. This is a an axtremely arrogant and douchebaggy thing to do, as the subtext here is, "Look, I know you're all looking at me, but don't forget...there's somebody else in this picture. Don't forget about this guy. He's cool, too! I mean, probably not as awesome as me, but...well, you get the idea."

And every once in a while, you'll still get people doing the horns-behind-the-head thing. When was that ever funny? It must be a remnant of some distant era, because in the entirety of my life I've never seen it elicit anything but faint disgust and annoyance. In the middle ages, it must have been hilarious for someone to stand behind you while you were having your portrait painted. Then people could by your castle and have a good laugh. "Everyone, gaze upon Duke of Yorkshire! It appears as if he has horns growing out of his skull! Ha ha ha! Oh, how droll! Why, he looks almost like...like...the Devil! Burn him!" So maybe it wasn't a "joke" back then--maybe it was a passive-agressive form of revenge. I guess the modern day equivalent would be if someone was having his picture taken and you somehow slipped a Ku Klux Klan banner in the background.

Actually, that is kind of funny.

BLOG READERS, HEED MY CALL!

Um...hello? Testing... Is this thing on?

Greetings, internet personages. It is I, Christian Finnegan, returning to you after my long self-imposed e-Exile. I have missed you, insomuch as someone can miss snarky anonymous comments about his career, appearance and general demeanor. If you are someone who has been reading this page since "back in the day" (as all the kids are saying), thanks for sticking around--your patience is astounding and perhaps bordering on creepy. If you are someone who stumbled upon my website and wondered what the hell "Tower of Hubris" meant, welcome. This is the page where I used to post lots and lots and lots of random jokes and attempts at profundity. Then it became the page where I would sporadically post random jokes and attempts at profundity, interspered with apologies and promises to write more often. Then it became the page I abandoned utterly, like a pathetic frat boy ducking some homely girl he fucked after a pep rally. And yet, even over the past few months, as I've actively avoided going to my own website for fear of reminding myself of the e-comic I used to be, this page continued to call out to me, like my very own "Telltale Heart". "Chrissstiannn.... Chrisssstiannnn...", it would howl in the night. "Why have you forsaken meeeeeee...? Post somethinnnnnng... Annnythinnnng.... Even one of those stupid pseudo-funny lists you used to do all the timmmmme... Stooooop beeeeeing a diiiiiiiiiick!"

Well, I'm back now. And what has inspired me to post again? I want you all to come out to a show, of course! Silly you for thinking I had no ulterior motive. But in this case, I think you'll forgive me--that is, unless you have no compassion for those affected by Hurricane Katrina (SHAME ON YOU!).

The show in questions is Northern Hospitality: A Benefit for the Bayou. It will be held tomorrow, September 14th, at the beautiful Kraine Theater and all of the proceeds will go directly to the Red Cross. I REALLY REALLY encourage you to come out. The lineup is stellar (including Andres DuBouchet and Co., performing a condensed ten-minute version of "Giant Tuesday Night", the very best sketch comedy show in NYC), and there are going to be some majorly kick-ass raffle prizes, including: a brand-new iPod mini, tickets to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, tickets to Drumstruck, a Comedy Central media & swag basket, t-shirts, a messenger bag and lots, lots more.

If you have been wanting to make a contribution to the relief efforts but just haven't had the time or wherewithal, this is a great and easy way to chip in. For a measley $20, you'll get to see a great show, maybe take home some valuable stuff and know that every penny of your money is being sent to those in need.

Here are the specifics:

NORTHERN HOSPITALITY: A Benefit for the Bayou
Wednesday, Sept. 14th
The Kraine Theater
85 E. 4th Street (btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
New York, NY
212.460.0982

8:00 PM
Admission: $20 at the door

RSVP to rsvp@ballyhoopromotions.net

Please come. Failure to show up will be taken as a sign that you are pro-Hurricane Katrina (you inhuman bastard).

Christian was on The Today Show on August 26, 2005, for a Best Week Ever (VH1) segment. Here are a few things he said to Matt Lauer:

On Brad & Angelina Marriage Rumours
"I'm pretty sure when Brad hooked up with Angelina he wasn’t thinking marriage. She screams, 'transitional relationship'. But with all the negative press, marrying Angelina is the only way to salvage his reputation. It's what is commonly known as 'Soon-Yi Syndrome.'"

On Jerry Seinfeld's New Baby
"Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'"

On the topic of "Girl Crushes," Matt asked if guys can have "Boy Crushes":
"Sure I have a boy crush. I'm not going to tell you who it is but his name rhymes with Bal Broker."

On Britney's Baby:
"Britney wants to name her baby 'Charlie' while Kevin Federline wants to go with 'Meal Ticket.'"

LOOKIE HERE, KIDS!

Anyone who picked up the September 2005 issue of Penthouse saw a nice two page feature interview with Christian. Besides being great exposure (sorry, no pun intended), it's quite possibly his best interview to date. Congratulations, Christian!

Click above for the scanned article.

SET THOSE DVRs

On Tuesday, August 30th at 7:30 PM Comedy Central re-airs Christian's 1/2 hour special. Here's their blurb:

Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan
Christian gets philosophical about Monopoly and gives us his rendition of the "birds & the bees" talk in this half-hour stand-up special.

Christian was on The Today Show back on July 20, 2005. Here are a few things he said to Katie Couric:

On Jude Law having an affair with his children's nanny:

"Getting mad as Jude Law for seducing women is like getting mad at a hamster for running on a wheel. It's what he does."

"What's really sad is somewhere in America a morning radio DJ is putting together a really awful parody of the song 'Hey Jude'."

On Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson getting married for the 3rd time:

"The question here isn't 'Will the bride be wearing white?'- it's 'Will the bride be wearing anything?'"

Entertainment Weekly ran a shortened version this quote from Finnegan commenting on Cameron Diaz having posed for topless photos:

"At this point, I'd be more surprised to find out a star hadn't taken topless photos. I mean, what were we expecting to find out, that Cameron Diaz is secretly a member of Mensa? That someone uncovered her long-lost college thesis?"

[View the Entertainment Weekly scan.]
[Vote for your favorite quote on EW.com.]

Be Part of a Studio Audience!

TV Land Presents: Game Time

TV Land offers what no other network can - TV Satisfaction. Why waste your valuable time flipping around the dial? There's always something on -- time-tested and audience-approved, 24 hours a day.

Be part of a live taping of Game Time, hosted by your favorite comedian, Christian Finnegan.

Monday, August 8, 2005

The Supper Club
240 West 47th Street
New York, NY 10036
2:45pm & 6:15pm

Audience members will be invited on stage, to participate in a series of Jeopardy styled questions focusing on classic TV trivia, shows like I LOVE LUCY, THREE's COMPANY, BEWITCHED, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MUNSTERS, I DREAM OF JEANNIE, LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, THE BRADY BUNCH and ALL IN THE FAMILY. Participation is optional.

The day is broken down into two shoots. The first episode shoots from 2:45-6:00- Snacks and soft drinks provided

The second episode shoots from 6:15-9:30pm Snacks, soft drinks and alcohol provided.

RSVP to me (Kambri) via email at kambri@ballyhoopromotions.net. Include your full name & which taping you'd like to attend. NOTE: Guests MUST be 21 years of age or older.

HOLA, BATFUCKERS!

Hello, honored friends. If/when you go see Batman Begins (and you should--it's pretty damn good), you may be lucky enough to pick up an issue of FLIcK Magazine (available at all Loews, Cinemark and Carmike theaters), which features a gloriously stupid piece by yours truly. Or, you could just go read it online. Here it is:

LESSER KNOWN ITEMS ON BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT

Of course, the editors of FLIcK made some cuts. Here are the gems left out of the final piece:

THE BAT ALLEN WRENCH -- This is used primarily to assemble inexpensive Scandanavian furniture. You'd be surprised how often that comes up.

BATWIPES -- Batman's enemies aren't just evil--they're also dirty. Seriously, have you ever seen the Penguin's secret lair under a black light? Eww. Luckily, Batman has sanitized handwipes to rid himself of those tiny supervillains known as "germs". They also give his latex bodysuit a sexy sheen.

THE BATT-EE CUSION (they included this one in the article, but trimmed it down) -- When you spend your life living in a cave and battling the dark side of human nature, you need a cheap giggle every once in a while. So when Batman wants to lighten the mood, out comes the Batt-ee Cushion. And it doesn't hurt that Robin is so gullible. It usually goes something like, "Holy demolition, Batman! We've got to get to the Batmobile! With that much TNT, the Riddler could blow up the entire--FFRRRRRIPPPPP! ...Okay, you got me. Good one."

THE BAT GUN -- This is just a gun, basically. Not everything has to be some super-wacky gadget, you know. Sometimes Batman just has to shoot some dude.

THE BAT BAT -- For use in the Hall of Justice Intramural Softball League. Some of the other heroes have complained about Batman's high tech equipment, but until a certain you-know-who agrees to stop stealing signals with his x-ray vision, The Dark Knight ain't budging.

MY FATHER, THE TELEVISION STAR

I know this page has been increasingly plug-heavy (and humor-light) over the past few months, but this is one thing I have to mention:

As you may or may not know, Comedy Central airs three and half hours of stand up comedy every Friday night (shows like "Premium Blend", "Comedy Central Presents", etc.). They promote this block of programming under the name "Friday Night Stand-Up"--the same way NBC used to label their Thursday night lineup "Must-See TV". Anyway, Comedy Central often has a comedian or comic actor "host" this Friday night lineup--and by "host", I mean "show up on screen for a minute or two in-between shows and occasinally after commercial breaks to do a bit of schtick". For instance, when my episode of "Comedy Central Presents" premiered a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day, "Friday Night Stand Up" was hosted by the incomperable (and very Irish) Tom Shillue. And just last week, it was hosted by the extremely comparable Cedric "The Entertainer" and Mike Epps, who were promoting their "Honeymooners" re-make (I can't wait to see it!!!!!*).

For this week's installment of "Friday Night Stand Up", Comedy Central decided to go for a father/son angle (being that it's two days before Father's Day, and all). Luckily for me, it appears that I am the only comic in New York City who's on speaking terms with his father. Three cheers for being semi-well adjusted! So a few weeks ago my dad and I were sent out to a miniature golf course in Connecticut, where we filmed all sorts of goofy shit. It all airs tomorrow night (June 17th), starting at 8:30pm and continuing on at various times up until midnight. I've seen the footage and I think it's all really funny. My dad is a very good sport and a surprisingly good straight-man.

In many ways, working on this was the greatest moment of my "career", if for no other reason than how much it seemed to delight my dad. He's always been extremely supportive (emotionally and at times monitarily), so it was cool to kind of return the favor in some small way. And I think he really enjoyed seeing how the TV world operates--granted, at the most spratan, basic-cable level. He's now a bit of a diva, to be honest--he's constantly hanging out at Bungalow 8 and doing blow with Lindsay Lohan's dad

My favorite moment: My dad was kind of overwhelmed at how many people there were milling around the "set". There were probably 15-20 people involved, which really isn't very big at all for a "location shoot". But I think my dad was just expecting it to be me, him, and some guy toting a camcorder. At one point while they were setting up for a shot, he whispered in my ear, "You see that woman who's been standing there all day? The one with the orange scarf? What is her JOB?!" He wasn't being malicious--it was just an innocent question. I then very quietly reminded my dad that he was wearing a lapel mic. We turned towards the crew and everyone wearing a headset started laughing. Sweet.

Anyway, if you's suffering some sort of head trauma and find yourself at home on Friday night, flip over to Comedy Central and check it out. I think there's some genuinely funny shit there.


* Yes, this is a joke.

HOT HOT HEAT (My bi-ennial TOH Posting)

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "Boy, I can't wait for Summer!" and "Fuck THIS shit."? In New York, I think that "Hooray for warm weather" period lasted about five days this year. Now it's all just a sweaty malaise. I don't know what the weather has been like where YOU live, but here in New York City, it's been like a marathon runner's nutsack for at least two weeks. The heat makes me loathe every thing and every one. And yet I'm too exhausted to actually do or say anything about it. So I just sit around all day in a near-vegetative state, occasionally showing my faint disgust for people, places and things by rolling my eyes--like Terri Schiavo with a bad attitude.

I don't even try to look nice when I leave the house anymore, because I know that by the time I get wherever I'm going, I'll look like I just escaped a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. Weather like this is never good for your self-esteem. You're never going to look in the mirror and say "Yes! That's the look I was going for! I want to look like I just rubbed bacon all over my face! More sweat stains, please!"

Its even worse for me because I live with my girlfriend. So not only do I have to deal with my self-loathing, I have to navigate hers as well. We'll be on our way to some sort of party or get-together in this godforsaken heat, covered in sweaty filth, and she'll give me that "I look disgusting right now, don't I?" crap. There's never a suitable answer to a question like this--your choice is pretty much "Do I want to sound like an asshole or a liar?" I wish I could just be honest and say, "Well, sweetheart. Are you more beautiful at this moment that I've ever seen you before? Well, no. ...But I'd still fuck you. Sure I would! Yeah, I've slept with lots of women uglier than you look right now!" Something makes me think that wouldn't go over too well.

I desperately need a vacation. And it just so happens that Kambri and I are going away next week...to the Caribbean. Yep, that's my solution for beating the heat: head someplace even fucking hotter! But the heat in the Caribbean is different--you're on the beach, you're drinking rum punch, you're able to convince yourself that all of the resort workers don't secretly want you to die, etc. It's hot, but relaxing--like a sauna. Not like New York, where you spend the Summer months basting in urine vapors and body odor.

I'm actually taking Kambri on this little vacation for her birthday (it's June 22nd, people--we're registered here). We went to Anguilla last year and loved it, so I knew we wanted to go back to the Caribbean, but I wanted to pick someplace cool. The Caribbean is full of cheesy shit to be avoided at all costs--limbo contests, the Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot", etc. So I started to make a checklist of all the places I defintely didn't want to go: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda...basically, any place that's mentioned in the song "Kokomo" is to be avoided, I would think. we ended up settling on Turks and Caicos, an island I'd never heard of and know very little about. I was initially drawn to the name because it sounds kind of Dungeons & Dragons-y. Like maybe the place is inhabited by bugbears and/or a githyanki.

Have I revealed too much? Perhaps.