Here's Part Two (of two) of my self-important rant on the year in music. A reminder: all of these songs have been compiled on an iTunes 'iMix', entitled "FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008. Check it out, if you want to hear clips of any of these little ditties.

NOTE: Scroll Down for Part One, to see numbers 27 through 15.
14. AL GREEN, "Wanna Say" – I promise I'm not just throwing this one on here in an attempt to break up the unending stream of white people. The term "return to form" is way overused by lazy music critics, but here it really applies. He seems to have recaptured not only the sound but also the intimacy of his classic Seventies albums.

13. SON LUX, "Raise" – This album is relatively new to me, having learned about it on NPR's "All Songs Considered" year end wrap-up (yeah, I know). But wow, is it something special. Each song managed to be simultaneously beautiful and bleak as all living hell. Still, I probably won't listen to it constantly. It's kind of like the film "Children of Men"—sometimes you just don't have the energy, you know?

12. THE CURE. "This. Here and Now. With You." – At this point, The Cure probably isn't going to pick up any new fans. If you haven't liked them in the past, you won't like this. But there are songs on "4:13 Dream" that stand up with the best stuff they've ever recorded. And this is the Cure in 'giddy' mode, which I always love. If you used to be a fan and gave up on them years ago, this is worth checking out.

11. NADA SURF, "I Like What You Say" – This a nearly perfect pop song by a band that specializes in nearly perfect pop songs. I've been a huge fan for years and they just keep on churning out great albums. The word I'd use for Nada Surf is "tasteful", which sounds like an insult but it's not. I'm never not in the mood to hear this song.

10. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, "No Sunlight" – Like Nada Surf, Death Cab writes mature power pop songs for adults. A lot of Ben Gibbard's lyrics resonate with me in ways I'm not entirely comfortable with—not this song, specifically, but in general. They definitely have a style that they stick to, but it's great to buy an album knowing that it's going to be check-full of fantastic songs with smart lyrics, expertly performed and produced.

9. BON IVER, "Skinny Love" – Another 'critic's darling' that totally lives up to the hype. After a few listens, at least. It took me a while to adapt to the main dude's near-constant falsetto, but now I find it eerie and beautiful. The songs on "For Emma, Forever Ago" are ultra-simple, but become more evocative with each listen. This is one of those lay-in-the-dark-while-wearing-noise-canceling-headphones albums. As such, it doesn't quite attain Iron & Wine status, but it's still pretty amazing stuff.

8. M83, "Kim & Jessie" – Lots of bands these days use the early 8'0s as a musical jumping-off point. But for the most part, they're working with a very specific strain of Eighties Pop—angular, up-tempo New Wave, a la The Jam. This song is different. It harkens back to the blissed-out Casio queerfests of Thompson Twins and Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark*. It's music to make you want to sit Indian-style on a glass dinner table, making out with Samantha Baker (or Jake Ryan, depending on who you'd prefer to be in that scenario).

* Typing out these words, I felt a wave of revulsion at how ridiculous a band name this is. When I was a kid I assumed it was just some abstract combination of words, like "The Electronic Walrus Party" or something. I now see it as the foppiest, most pretentious, most PLEASE-GIVE-ME-A-WEDGIE five words ever composed in English. Egads!

7. GOLDFRAPP, "A&E"—This song's actually from the same neck of the woods as the M83 song, in that it's lush, keyboard-heavy stuff. But it's even more airy-fairy. The whole album feels like it was recorded inside the movie 'Legend', if that an be construed as a good thing. I give them credit for taking things in a different direction after having garnered a huge following over the last couple of albums, doing a techno burlesque kind of thing. Here's the litmus test: Where do you stand on Kate Bush? If you're 'pro', you'll probably love this song.

6. TV ON THE RADIO, "Halfway Home"—A real step forward for a band that was already great. I don't think there's a band recording today more confident in its musical vision than TV on the Radio, with the possible exception of Radiohead. How in the world would you classify a song like this? How in hell would you go about writing it? It's as if they've created their own genre of music.

5. KINGS OF LEON, "Notion"—Holy fuck do I love this band. When they debuted, I wrote them off as a blues-rock gimmick. But now I'm a true believer--over the past three albums I've listened to KOL as much as any other band in my collection (do people even call it that anymore? Would referring to it as my 'Library' be more or less worthy of scorn?) I feel like they've caught a bit of indie backlash for making a 'bigger' sounding record, which is typical. But I don't think the best bands, the bands that really end up "mattering", shy away fro a smidgen of grandiosity. I don't think there's any fear of this band going all 'Coldplay' on you.

4. MATES OF STATE, "The Re-Arranger"—There was one day where I listened to this song eight times in a single afternoon. It's funny, there are a bunch of the songs I consider to have universal appeal. And yet, my four favorite songs of the year are all ones I could understand any rational human being loathing. This is especially true of "The Re-Arranger". This is peppy shit, so if you can't do 'peppy', best to move on. But if this is up your alley, you should watch the YouTube video of their daughter (Mates of State are a married couple) dancing offstage to this song during an outdoor concert. Pretty life-affirming stuff.

3. THE HOLD STEADY, "Constructive Summer"—I remember seeing "Dazed and Confused" for the first time and thinking about director Richard Linklater, "Man, that guy really gets it." I wasn't talking about all of the period references and goofy bellbottoms; what struck me was how well that movie evoked what it's like to be a teenager in the suburbs. The Hold Steady do the same thing for me, only with a huge dose of restlessness. Singer/writer guy Craig Finn is like Springsteen for kids who grew up going to soccer practice. The line, "We're going to build something this Summer" is, to me, the ultimate expression of suburban hope and desperation.

2. DR. DOG, "The Rabbit, the Bat and the Reindeer" – I love it when a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard before. But I also kind of like it when an artist says, "Fuck it, this is the kind of music we want to make, and we end up sounding like something you might have heard before so be it. (That's how I earnestly defended Lenny Kravitz for his first few albums.) Dr. Dog gets thrown under the 'revivalist' bus, as if they're nothing but a novelty act because they sound like the Beatles, as impersonated by The Soggy Bottom Boys. But people forget that Beatles were only the Beatles because they wrote great songs. This too is a great, great song.

1. MGMT, "Time to Pretend"—On paper, this is the kind of band that I hate: two predictably unkempt Williamburg hipsters making music where you can't tell if they're trying to be sarcastic. But geez, this is kind of extraordinary. It's not my favorite album overall (that would probably go to TV on the Radio or Bon Iver), but as songs go, "Time to Pretend" kicks me in the buttocks. It sounds like being invited to a Smurf orgy. Butt then, one of the Smurfs drops some bad E and ends up doing a nosedive through a fourth floor window.

What? Why did it get so awkward her all the sudden? Is it weird that my favorite song of the year makes me imagine getting a reach-around from a blitzed Handy Smurf? Where are you guys going?! COME BACK!!
__________________

Okay I guess that's all. I'm going to make a sincere attempt to make regular blog posts in 2009 (I refuse to use 'blog' as a verb). But just in case I turn out to be a liar, see you whenever!

Still more regards,
Christian

FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008 (Part One)

So here's the deal:

I have lots of stuff I should be doing--I have a DVD coming out in a few months for which I still haven't written liner notes or filmed DVD extras, I'm painfully behind schedule in writing new stand up material and the damned dishwasher still needs to be unloaded. So how did I decide to spend the better part of yesterday? Writing an exhaustive rundown of my favorite 27 songs to be released in 2008. Why 27? Because that's as far down as I could trim my list without feeling like I left off something good. Please enjoy.

The ordering of this list is relatively arbitrary, by the way--on another day I may have ordered them differently. Anyway, here are numbers 27 through 15. I'll post the rest at some point tomorrow. Your thoughts are welcome, but feel no pressure in that regard. I'm really just doing this in the hopes that maybe you'll get turned on to a song or two you might not otherwise have heard.

FYI, I've created an "iMix", in case you want to hear samples of any of these songs. Just go to iTunes and do a search for "FINNEGAN'S GUIDE TO POPULAR MUSIC 2008".

Without further ado:

27. GHOSTLAND OBSERVATORY, "Dancing on my Grave" – I saw this band perform on 'Austin City Limits' and I couldn't decide whether the lead singer's revival-tent-preacher-on-peyote act was inspired or smarmy (a bit of both, maybe). Either way, I found myself thinking about them for days until I eventually broke down and bought the CD. The album is not stellar, but this song is great and I'm betting they'll do good stuff in the future. Plus, it's the best band name I've heard in years.

26. SHAWN SMITH, "Breathe In" – Good stuff from the leader of the late, lamented Satchel. If you're familiar with his stuff, there's nothing terribly new here, but his "thing" is idiosyncratic enough that I never tire of it.

25. MARNI STERN, "Ruler" – I listened to this album quite a bit for a week or so, until my wife demanded that I turn it off. She kind of had a point. This is probably not a sing I'll listen to a whole lot as time goes by. But it's just so gloriously odd that I'm thrilled it exists. Plus, it's cool to hear someone doing guitar fingerboard 'tapping' without trying to sound like Yngwie Malmsteen. It should be noted that this is the most radio-friendly song on the album. No, seriously.

24, DELTA SPIRIT, "Trashcan" – Everything Delta Spirit does feels so gloriously uplifting and unpretentious. They're not trying to be the 'cool kids', they're just bashing out music and singing their asses off. I hear they're a great live band, which I hope to discover in person, if I can shake off my acquired hatred of rock club crowds.

23. MELVINS, "Billy Fish" – Looking over this list, it's surprisingly light on 'heavy' stuff. That's a bit of a surprise, as I'm a sucker for musical sludge. This song makes me want to crush a row of human skulls with a sledgehammer.

22. THE FUTUREHEADS, "Work is Never Done" – This is a band that I have loved since inception, even though the majority of their most recent album ("This is Not the World") runs together a bit. It's kind of like three great songs and then one pretty good song repeated ten times. But if you dig this I highly recommend their self-titled first album.

21. GEMMA HAYES, "Sad Ol Song" – I spent a few minutes trying to describe how this song makes me feel, but then I realized it's pretty much all in the title. A simple, bittersweet tune by a great songwriter with a fantastic voice. Me likey.

20. THE TEENAGERS, "Homecoming" – Okay, this borders on being a 'gimmick' song, but it's pretty sweet. And it actually works as a pop sing, even though the vast majority of the lyrics are spoken. It's not saying anything groundbreaking (yes, American girls will screw any guy with an accent), but it's well done and pretty hilarious.

19. PORTISHEAD, "The Rip" – I had a hard time trying to decide where on the list this one should go. I dig the song itself, but it comes from the most disappointing album of the year, in my opinion. Yes, my standards for Portishead are very high, but man—this is why you shouldn't wait eleven years to put out a record. The majority of "Third" feels labored over to the point of exhaustion. The genius of "Dummy" (and, to a degree, the 2nd album) was that it was equal parts creepy and sexy. There is absolutely nothing sensual or alluring about "Third". If "Dummy" felt like a dirty rendezvous with a mysterious woman, "Third" feels like waiting to get the results of your AIDS test. Still, a great tune.

18. THE FLEET FOXES, "Sun it Rises" – This band is a real 'critic's darling', which made me assume they were overrated. And now that I've listened to the album a bunch of times, I'd say…well, they're a teensy bit overrated. But only a teensy, as the album is pretty great. If you're a sucker for vocal harmonies, you need this album.

17. COPELAND, "Should You Return" - I'll always love this song, even if it eventually ends up in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy" (assuming it hasn't already). There's just something perfectly soundtrack-esque about this song. It seems like the kind of thing you'd wander the city streets to on a rainy day, mourning your lost youth. Or something equally pretentious.

16. JAMIE LIDELL, "Green Light" – How is it that Brits has such a firm grasp of and appreciation for classic American soul music? This whole album ("Jim") is just a fun, breezy pleasure. Great summertime backyard cocktail party music.

15. VAMPIRE WEEKEND, "A Punk" – I understand neither the hype nor the backlash surrounding this band. They put out a good album of hum-able tunes with a sound that, while by no means unique, feels fresh at this particular moment in time. Plus, you have to tip your hat to a group of guys who are confident enough in their sissyhood to make repeated lyrical references to Cape Cod.

That's all for now--check back tomorrow for Part Two!


Regards,
Christian Finnegan

From Christian Finnegan, comes this note:

Beloved e-Friends,

THE TIME OF RECKONING IS NIGH AT HAND!!

Tickets are now available for the live taping of my very first comedy special, "AU CONTRAIRE!". The two big friggin' shows will take place on October 25th at the Trocadero Theater in glorious Philadelphia, PA.

It will be a glorious night of awkward personal revelations and hypocritical assaults on your character!

I'm going to lay it bare, folks--this will be the most important night of my comedy life and I want as many friendly faces there as possible.
Don't make me bus in a bunch of homeless people!

Some good news: These tapings will be completely free of charge. You hear that, cheapskates? FREE!!! Some more good news: If you attend a taping, there's a very good chance your mug will appear on the tee-vee when Comedy Central airs "Au Contraire!" in early '09. Think you can wait around to reserve your tickets? Au contraire!** Tickets are going to be extremely limited.
SO GET YOURS NOW!

To reserve tickets, complete this online form.
Make sure to fill in the "Promo Code" section with the word "Finny". This will get you priority seating--it's my way of rewarding you, my true inter-pals.
And this way you can avoid rubbing shoulders with the filthy, teeming masses!

You. Me. A bunch of cameras.
What could be more enticing?

I'll see you October 25th, friendlies.

Christian Finnegan,
Ready for his close-up

**See what I did there? I artfully worked the title of the special into the body of the email. Pretty slick, huh? That's what makes me part of the Comedy Elite.

YOU, ME & NYC: CATCH ME AT GOTHAM COMEDY CLUB THIS WEEKEND!

New York, as the song says, is a helluva town. The sights! The sounds! The occasional confrontation with a group of angry teens on a late night subway platform--this city has it all!

And this weekend, New York City gets even helluva-er, as I'll be headlining lovely Gotham Comedy Club in Chelsea, Thursday 9/18 through Sunday 9/21. What does this mean for you? It means you need to get your toned butt (am I crazy, or have you been working out?) into a seat.

If you've been interested in coming out to see my version of American-style stand-up comedy, this is the weekend to do it. I'll be doing a dry run of the material on my soon-to-be-filmed comedy DVD laughter-ganza. Also, I'll be giving out free hugs after the show.*

So please, get yourself to W. 22nd street this weekend for an evening of awkward personal revelations and hypocritical assaults on your character. You'll giggle, you'll titter, you'll laugh yourself to the point of injury.

For show times and details, go here.

You. Me. New York Cit-ay. Let's get stupid together, people.

Christian Finnegan,
Mr. Funny Guy

* Sorry, no pelvic contact.

SAVE THE DATE: Live DVD taping in Philly 10/25!

Friends, Supporters and Those who Signed Up for My Mailing List in a Drunken Haze,

Big damn news: On October 25th, 2008 I will be filming my very first one hour stand-up special, to be aired on Comedy Central. This major league Laughter-ganza will take place at the historic Trocadero Theater is downtown Philadelphia, PA. If you live in the Philly area or can get down there on Saturday, October 25th, I want your butt in a seat! Allow my cameras to steal your soul and become a part of history, as I document my semi-fraudulent brand of stand-up comedy for posterity!

The exact details are still be fine-tuned, so this is just a glorified 'save the date' email. So, um...SAVE THE FRIGGIN' DATE! But here are a few things I can tell you:

* We will be taping two shows on the same night, probably something like 7:30pm and 10pm.

* Tickets are going to be wicked cheap (as in 'negligible')

* No matter how recently you've seen me perform, there will be
material you've never heard before

* For information on the venue itself, go to www.thetroc.com We're going to make it bee-yootiful!

Once we finish fine tuning our ticketing system, I'll let you know how you can reserve your spot. Space is going to be pretty damned limited, so start planning ahead. And please, even if you don't think you can make the taping, I'd be honored if you could pass the word along anyone in the Philly area you think might give a poop. As always, people can get on the mailing list by visiting www.christianfinnegan.com.

Thanks, friendlies. You'll be hearing from me.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

Christian was live from the Disney World studios but they made no mention of it.


Dan Quayle on 'Dancing'?

--Kambri

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO OF ME HOSTING A MINI HOT DOG EATING CHAMPIONSHIP

Featuring Andres du Bouchet, Adira Amram & H. Alan Scott. Hosted by me & Sean Crespo. Written and directed by the lovely wife, aka Kambri Crews. Filmed and edited by Carol Hartsell.

Christian on Chelsea Lately from kambric on Vimeo.

Tune in to Olbermann Tonight

On MSNBC to see Christian in the last segment talking politics and other awkward subjects.

E-Friends,

Two thingies:

1) I sent out a newsletter recently. It was chock-full of good stuff--news updates, announcements and embedded clips of me on the tee-vee. Seriously, everybody's been talking about what a kick-ass newsletter it was. If you didn't receive it, that means...and I hate to just come out and say it like this, but...you are not on my mailing list. There, I said it! Oh horror of horrors! It's too terrible to imagine! Luckily, I now offer you a path to redemption. By sending a simple email HERE, you will receive a monthly update on All Things Me.

Pretty sweet, huh? What are you waiting for? Do it now, before your Hot Pockets finish microwaving! No need to get all fancy in your email, but do let me know your nearest metropolitan area(s) so I can send out the Bat Signal when I come through town.

2) To wit, this weekend (5/1 through 5/4) I'll be doing seven big friggin' shows at the Punchline in Atlanta. Great club, great crowds.
Come on out and experience a night of laughter and titillating awkwardness! For details and showtimes, go HERE.

Thanks, computer pals. You may now return to your porn, game of Scrabble or pornographic game of Scrabble.

Fond regards,
Christian Finnegan

Christian in a Sweater Vest-y Thing

Political punchlines

Check out this clip of Christian Finnegan and Chuck Nice on “The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch”

http://www.cnbc.com/id/23491873

Best Week Ever's Christian Finnegan and Chuck Nice will be on The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch tonight - Tuesday, March 4th -- at 10:00 PM EST. Check your local listings folks, because I have no idea if thatss a universal air date / time.


For more info, here's a link to Donny's show: http://www.cnbc.com/id/15838512

REGARDING OSCAR

So last night I hosted an Oscar party at Comix in NYC. It was a swell time and fun was had by all. The party got some advance press, including a blurb in the NY Post in their big 'What to do on Oscar night' article. The article's writer seems to be under the impression that I "wrote some of Jon Stewart's material for the Oscar presentation", which is miles and miles from being accurate. The truth is I, along with what I suspect to be dozens of other comedy types, were invited to submit some material. I'm certain this was done as a mere insurance policy for Jon Stewart's actual Oscar writing staff, given the short window of time following the end of the writer's strike. So I churned out a bunch of silly jokes, none of which were used in the broadcast. This was neither a shock nor a disappointment--I was always perfectly aware that I was part of a joke-writing safety net and nothing more.

I know it seems weird to bringing this up. But I just wanted to put something out there, in case anyone who wrote any of the very fine jokes that actually made it onto the broadcast came across that NY Post blurb and thought, "Who is this dickbag and why is he taking credit for our work?" Perhaps a Google search will bring offended parties to this humple mea culpa.

You may now go back about your lives.

P.S. I do wish they'd used my Javier-Bardem-has-a-massive-head joke, though. (sigh)

Christian is Jesus

In the cartoon "Battle Pope" produced by Spike. Check out the first episode here:

IN FT. LAUDERDALE, IT'S 'SUPER THURSDAY-THROUGH-SUNDAY'!


Denizens of South Florida,

This weekend, from Thursday 2/7 through Sunday 2/10, I will be bringing my wacky hijinks to the Ft. Lauderdale Improv at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in lovely Hollywood, FL. What does this mean for you? Why, it's the opportunity to indulge your crippling gambling addiction under the guise of supporting the 'arts'. Also, two of the three following four factoids about this weekend are true:

* This is my first visit to FTL in over a year.
* I will be performing a buttload of new material. So even if you've seen me before, there will be tons of stuff for you to laugh uproariously and/or scratch your head at.
* At the end of each performance I will sacrifice an audience member to the demon god Cthulhu.

Reservation info and showtimes can be found here. See you there, friendlies!


Yours 'til you don't want me no mo,
Christian

WANT TO SEE ME GET MY ASS KICKED? TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

Working on Best Week Ever has afforded me a number of rather bizarre faux-celebrity encounters. Among the people I've met and "worked with" over the years are Chris Hanson, Tom Bergeron, Kevin Federline, Martha Stewart, the J. Peterman guy from 'Seinfeld', and Mr. Chocolate Rain himself, Tay Zonday. But perhaps none of these encounters prepared me for this past Monday, when I was asked to do a comedy bit with Wolf, one of the new 'American Gladiators'.

First, enjoy the actual bit in question:



Now, a few things that deserve mention:

* In person, Wolf is exactly like you'd imagine him to be. Friendly as hell, as long as you pretend you're interested in his many tales of ass-kickery and can resist the urge to blurt out "You know dude, you're kinda sorta a tool".

* Wolf wears a lot of awful silver and turqoise jewelry, the kind of stuff you'd see in a Santa Fe display window underneath a sign reading, "Created by Local Artisans". Wolf's skin is a shade that can only be described as "Oompa Loompa Orange" (strangely, he kept complaining about how pale he was) and, despite his name and rather hirsute face and head, 'Wolf' appears to be pretty much hairless from the neck down.

* Most importantly: Yes, I was genuinely getting my ass handed to me. I don't know if it was to maintain his Alpha Male cred, but Wolf seemed wholly incapable of going half-speed. We didn't choreograph anything too specific, but I kind of expected that we'd goof around a bit and 'play-fight'. Um, nope. You can tell from his first hit, which nearly causes me to fall back on my ass. What you see in this clip is only about 1/3 of the footage we shot and in all of it, I'm being knocked around like I'm in a Popeye cartoon. In the climactic shot (inasmuch as a one minute VH1 bit can have a 'climactic shot'), Wolf boffs me in the face with his padded shield thingy. This was probably the only thing we blocked, because it was supposed to set up the fact that I got my teeth knocked out. So Wolf and I spent a few seconds deciding how it would work and at one point I think I even said "But you know, you don't really have to HIT ME hit me..." Well, as you can probably tell, he definitely HIT ME, hit me. Watch closely and you can actually see the silly wrestling helmet thing spin around on my head! I had a ring in my ear for about an hour and even now, five days later, I have bruises on my arms and legs. This is what happens when you work on a non-union show, folks! But honestly I had no problem with any of it because I knew the footage had to be pretty funny. At the end of the day, you've gotta go where the laughs are. That said, I really should look into getting some health insurance.

* I've asked the Best Week Ever people for all of the raw footage of My Date with Wolf. If/when they get it to me, I'll post it.

That is all, people.

ATTENTION: HOUSTON, FTL, DC & MINNY!!!


Hello, dear e-friends. I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season or, as it should be known, March Madness for alcoholics. This is that wonderful time of year where no one can give you crap for being in constant state of Buzz. You are not a pathetic drunk, you are festive!

But I am not writing simply to call attention to your seasonal liver abuse. I would also like a word with those of you in the following metropolitan areas:

Houston, TX
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Washington, DC
Minneapolis, MN

These are the cities to which I will be bringing the Finnegan laugh brigade in January and February. I am looking for someone super-keen in each of these towns to hang a few posters in exchange for free tickets and a round of beverages. And maybe an awkweard hug after the show (no pelvic contact). What could be easier and more fraught with delight?

If you are interested, please contact Natalia at Ballyhoo Promotions (ns@ballyhoopromotions.net) and she will give you the low-down. Please include your age and a bit of background info. If you have done this sort of thing before, that is a plus but by no means a prerequisite. FYI, we are looking to hang posters on college campuses, at rock clubs, cafes, bookstores, etc. So if you have any good ideas, let us hear them!

Look forward to hearing from you.


Christian Finnegan,
Chestnuts currently roasting

TIVO ALERT: Christian on MSNBC’s Countdown w Keith Olbermann

My husband and funny man Christian Finnegan will be on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about Paris Hilton and drunken elephants. Airs tonight at 8:00 PM EST on MSNBC but Christian’s segment is on the later portion of the show. Around 8:45 PM ish.

TIVO ALERT: Christian on MSNBC’s Countdown w Keith Olbermann

My husband and funny man Christian Finnegan will be on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about Paris Hilton and drunken elephants. Airs tonight at 8:00 PM EST on MSNBC but Christian’s segment is on the later portion of the show. Around 8:45 PM ish.

CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN (GENTLY) ROCKS SEATTLE ON 11/20!!


Attention, denizens of the Pacific Northwest:

On Tuesday, November 20th at 8pm I will be appearing for ONE NIGHT ONLY at the the lovely Triple Door in downtown Seattle. The Triple Door is a hip groovy rock and roll venue that I will be temporarily robbing of all "indie cred" as debut headliner of 103.7 The Mountain's "5:20 Funny" comedy series. This show promises to be a blast and a bit different from the usual comedy club shows I do. I very rarely perform in the lovely Northwest, so I'd be honored if you'd grace me with your presence.

IMPORTANT: If you live in the Seattle area and would be interested in putting up a couple of posters around town in exchange for free tickets and a post-show beer, email Natalia at ns@ballyhoopromotions.net ASAP to let us know you're interested. Make sure to include your mailing address and phone number, friendy!

That's all for now. I'll probably send out a reminder the week of the show, but I'm really looking forward to this one so I wanted to plant the seed. As always, thanks for your continued support.


Christian Finnegan
The Captain of Your Heart

TELL YOUR FRIENDS
Time Out New York has called “Tell Your Friends” a DON'T MISS several times and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's show and 'workout comedy room' is sure to please."

November 12th @ 8:00 PM
Michelle Collins (Best Week Ever) hosts:



Christian Finnegan (Best Week Ever)
Brian Baumley (Stand Up NY)
Leo Allen (Premium Blend, Writer for SNL)
Tom Shillue (Comedy Central Presents)
And the house band Brief View of the Hudson


Lolita Bar
266 Broome St. at Allen
New York City, New York
212.966.7223

8:00 PM - $5.00 Cover

TIVO ALERT: Christian on MSNBC's Countdown w Keith Olberman

My husband and funny man Christian Finnegan will be on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about Maria Osmand and her fainting spell.

Airs Tonight at 8:00 PM EST. on MSNBC

-- Kambri

Christian was on MSNBC tonight talking to Keith Olbermann about the Ellen DeGeneres dog adoption fiasco.   Check it out:

"Dog gate" controversy continues to grow

Kambri!

Take a Finnegander:

LIVE WIRE at COMIX TOMORROW NIGHT

My lovely wife Kambri (aka "Robochick") is producing a new show that mixes music and comedy into one showcase. It debuts tomorrow night at Comix and is only $7 with no minimum if you use the code LWVIP. I'll be doing some off the wall silly shit that I never get to do at regular comedy clubs.

Anyway, here's her pitch:

Check out Live Wire -- a show that mixes music and comedy into one jamming good time. The debut features Freestyle Love Supreme Lin-Manuel Miranda (writer, star of "In the Heights"), James Monroe Iglehart ("Spelling Bee") and Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan. Also performing are Stuckey & Murray and Christian Finnegan who ditches his regular stand up act in a solo sketch you won't want to miss.

Comix will present musicians trying out anything old or new, comedians - not known for singing - performing songs and a blend of the two. As the songs states, "Anything goes!"

As part of this special series, the two item minimum will NOT apply. Instead, you pay one cover charge and if you do want food or drinks, simply order at the bar at your leisure. No pressure, just great music and plenty of laughs.

MON, SEP 17th @ 8:00 PM
Pre-show happy hour starts at 5:30
Comix
353 W. 14th Street
comixny.com 212.524.2500
Only $7 with the code LWVIP

INTERVIEW


The lovely Sara Benincasa interviewed Christian over on Nerve.com about online dating and other random stuff.

Read it here.



--Kambri

SCREW BATMAN--GOTHAM IS MINE, 9/13-16!


This one's wicked important, so let's get right down to brass tacks:

From Thursday 9/13 through Sunday 9/16 I will be headlining Gotham Comedy Club in the lovely Chelsea district of New York City. If you live in or near NYC, I'd be genuinely honored if you'd consider coming out to a show. "But Finnegan," you're saying, "You perform in New York all the time. Hell, you LIVE there." Well first of all, who the hell do you think you are calling me 'Finnegan'? But more importantly, sure I perform around town a lot but it's always doing short little bits of time in shows I can't (and often won't) vouch for. And half the time, I'm strung out on smack. This time out, I'll be completely clean! And the shows are all me--well not ALL me, but a solid 45-60 minutes of me (you can decide for yourself whether that's an enticement or a warning).

My point is, this will be my very first weekend-long headlining engagement in NYC and I'm really excited about it. Like I said, if you've ever considered coming out to see me perform, these are the shows to check out. And if you've seen me in the past and are worried it's going to be the same stuff you've heard before, know this: about 75% of the material I'll be performing is pretty much brand spankin' new.

Have I laid it out plain enough for you? Don't make me get ugly, folks. For tickets and info and what not, visit http://gothamcomedyclub.com>www.gothamcomedyclub.com.

Thank you for continuing to give a poop.

Christian Finnegan
aka The Dork Knight

Missing ME on Best Week Ever?


Fret not! Here is a bunch of clips that never made it to air for you to enjoy in the meantime:

BWE Extras: Christian Uncut!

Posted Today

BWE Panelist Christian Finnegan talks about some of his favorite subjects in pop culture. It's the Best of Christian Finnegan!

Christian Finnegan on Keith Olbermann:

Not "on" him in the literal sense, of course, but on his show. (Ba dump bump.) Check out the video here.



--Kambri

Can we stop talking about Britney soon? Please? PLLLLEEEEAASSEEEE

Christian Reveals How He Really Lost the Weight



--Kambri

CHRISTIAN IN "CURRENT MAGAZINE"

Christian is really funny in the "3 Questions With" segment in this month's Current Magazine. I especially liked his answer to the bonus question. Read it here.

--Kambri
Pluto's Plaything. Har.

Houston Awaits!


Dearest e-friends (Texans and otherwise),

This week I will be appearing at the HOUSTON LAFF STOP from Wednesday 7/11 through Saturday 11/14. Yep, Houston in the middle of July. I must be some sort of masochist. Anyway, the shows are going to be great and you will, of course, want to be there. Why? Because I'll be giving out free iPhones!* That's right, free iPhones!** I'll say it again: FREE GOSHDARN iPHONES!!***

I've always had a great time at the Laff Stop and I hope you'll come on out and support me like the soft, cotton-y emotional jockstrap I know you to be.

In case you have some sort of moral issue with hyperlinks, here are the details:

Christian Finnegan...LIVE AND AWKWARD!
Wednesday 7/11 to Saturday 7/14
The Laff Stop
526 Waugh Drive
Houston, TX 77019
Tickets: www.laffstop.com

BTW, if you're not from Houston but you're reading this because you hate your job/family, be it known that I'll be heading to the following cities in the next three months: Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Grand Rapids, Chicago and Atlanta--keep your eyes peeled 'n stuff.

Humbly,
Christian Finnegan

* While supplies last
** Whoops, my supply just ran out. Sorry!!!!!!!
*** Listen, get off my ass, okay? You want an iPhone? I got your iPhone--right here! RIGHT HERE!!!!

ATTENTION, AUSTIN-ITES!

Good day, friendlies.Just a quick word let everyone in the Austin, TX area know that I'll be performing at Cap City Comedy this week, from Tuesday 6/19 through Saturday 6/23. Please come out and make me feel valid!

SPECIAL OFFER: If you are the first person to come up to me after the show and sign a few bars from the broadway musical Starlight Express, I will give you a FREE CD! And I'll sign the shit out of it!! That's right, a free signed CD if you're willing to humilate yourself for the amusement of strangers!

Anyway, these shows are going to be a blast and I hope you decide to come out. To buy tickets, go here, you lucky dog.

See you in Texas. I apologize in advance if my hands are covered with BBQ sauce during the show.

Regards,
Christian Finnegan

To watch the clip of me on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" pontificating on the latest in the lives of Paris, Britney and K-Fed, click here.

TIVO ALERT

I'm going to be on Countdown with Keith Olberman tonight talking about (what else?) Paris Hilton and Britney Spears so tune in to MSNBC. You won't want to miss this ground breaking television event.

Also tonight, I'm at The Hollywood Improv on a show called "Comedy Juice". http://comedyjuice.com/

For FREE tickets email guestlist@comedyjuice.com.
The Improv8162 Melrose AvenueLos Angeles, CA

Christian on Bud TV's "The Joe Buck Show"

Citizens of Indianapolis and Bob & Tom Fans!

Hey there reader of Christian's blog, this is his wife Kambri writing to you since he is en route to the fair city of Indianapolis.

He'll be there all weekend performing at Crackers Comedy Club in Broad Ripple and will be on Bob & Tom tomorrow morning promoting the shows. Tune in to hear him live in studio; and, if you're in Indy, stop by Crackers to see a show. Call (317) 255-4211 for reservations.

Show Times are:

Wednesday 8:30 pm
Thursday 8:30 pm
Friday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking) and 10:30 pm
Saturday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking) and 10:30 pm
Sunday 8:00 pm (Non-Smoking)

Crackers at Broad Ripple is located at 6281 N. College Ave. in beautiful Broad Ripple Village. (next to the Vogue Nightclub). Call (317) 255-4211 for reservations.

HELLO, IT'S ME

So, lookie here. I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, but I've been busy as a beaver the past couple of months with the big ol' college tour thingy. We're about halfway through and things have been going swimmingly.

What? Have I been keeping a tour diary about all of our gigs? Why yes I have, and you can check it out here, at the Comedy Central site. Also, we've been doing video podcasts that you can check out here. Is it the most earth-shatteringly interesting footage ever captured on digital video? Well, perhaps not. But check it out nonetheless, especially if you like watching people stammer awkwardly.

I will try to get back to posting on a regular basis, both tour-related stuff and random attempts at chuckle-ocity. I've actually been doing a lot of writing lately, and if tonight's miserable set was any indication, my new "material" could really use a bit of e-scrutiny before I deem it fit for actual, real-life audiences.

Thanks for saving my place at the digital trough.

MORE TOUR DATES

Hello, Tower of Hubrites.

As you know, I just started up a fancy-schmancy college tour sponsored by Comedy Central. Rather than me blathering on about it (again), check out this little clip:



Kind of cool, huh? Anyway, the tour brings us to NYU tonight (1/25) and Northwestern on Saturday (1/27). If you live in NYC or Chicago, come on out to the show. I promise nothing less than excellence! Both shows are open to the public--for ticket info, check out the main tour page at comedycentral.com.

Also, to reiterate: this Friday night Comedy Central will be airing a number of short promotional spots for the tour from 8pm to 11pm, as part of their Friday Night Stand Up lineup. I dare say they're pretty funny. Here's one of them:



That's all for now. Check back here for more details.

Thank you for your continued support.

MY BIG VIACOM-APPROVED TOUR BEGINS!!

Friends, Well-Wishers and "Other":

Comedy Central, in its infinite wisdom (well, except for "That's My Bush!"), has decided to sponsor a college tour featuring yours truly. In fact, in honor of my debut cd (available in stores and online, btw) they're calling it:

COMEDY CENTRAL ON CAMPUS: CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN'S "TWO FOR FLINCHING" TOUR

Pretty sweet, no? Over the next three or so months I will be heading to 20-30 fully accredited institutions of higher learning, articulate dick jokes and ill-informed social commentary at the ready. There's so much I want to mention about the tour, but I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. So I'm going to turn these random items of interest into thoguhtful answers to questions I'm going to pretend you've just asked me. Such as:


WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP TODAY?

Well I'm not sure I like your tone, but I'm bringing it up because the VERY FIRST SHOW of the tour takes place tonight at UMass Lowell. Also, there are huge shows later this week at NYU on Thursday 1/25 and Northwestern on Saturday, 1/27. Dates are still being added, so make sure to check back with the main tour page every once in a while..

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED TOUR?

Thanks for asking. Starting this week, Comedy Central will be airing a couple of kick-arse commercials. Want to see one? Your wish is my command.

IS THAT IT?

Not even close. This Friday 1/26 from 7pm to 11pm, Comedy Central will also be aring a bunch of short interstitial clips we shot, as part of their "Friday Night Stand-Up" lineup, from 8pm to 11pm. As a teaser, here's one of the spots we shot: a cautionary tale about the dreaded Dorm Wanderer. I'll be including more of these clips on the site over the next couple of months, but try and tune in Friday so you can see them all in their true TV glory.

WILL THERE BE OTHER COMEDIANS ON THE BILL?

I'm not good enough for you? Well then, you're in luck. Among the comics scheduled to appear at one point or another: Zach Galifanakis, Charlie Murphy, Greg Giraldo, Tracey Morgan, Nick Swardson, Nick Thune, Jesse Joyce, Nick Kroll, Joe DeRosa, Andres DuBouchet, Eric O'Shea and more!

CAN REGULAR FOLKS LIKE ME ATTEND THIS SUREFIRE COMEDY EXTRAVAGANZA?

Um, I can't tell whether or not you're being sarcastic so I'll take your question at face value. While some tour dates do appear to be "students only", others are indeed open to the general public. For specific ticket info, head back over to the main tour page.

ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THESE SHOWS? YOU KNOW, 'QUIRKY'?

Funny you mention it. Every show on the Two For Flinching tour will culminate in two students locking horns in fierce intellectual combat, live on stage. At stake? Lots of fun prizes and...THE COMEDY CENTRAL FOURTEEN DOLLAR SCHOLARSHIP! That's right, I will be awarding fourteen American dollars to one lucky student at each school, helping make his or her career dreams become a reality. No, don't thank me--charity is its own reward. Think you have the brains, charm and poise to score this once-in-a-lifetime prize? Come out to a show and make sure you fill out an entry card.

WILL THERE BE WACKY BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE? BECAUSE I LOVE WACKY BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE!

I'm quite sure you do. Yes, we will be shooting some footage whilst out on "the road", but I cannot promise it will be wacky. I am aiming for "amusing" and "worth blowing off five minutes of porn for", though. More to come on this.

WILL YOU BE BLOGGING ON THE ROAD?

Dammit, haven't I told you a million times I can't stand it when you use the word "blog" as a verb? Please, try and avoid that. But I will writing wrap-ups of each and every tour date and, yes, I will be posting said wrap-ups on this blog under the heading, "THE TWO FOR FLINCHING TOUR DIARIES". This sojourn is not exactly what you might think of as a "tour", in that we won't be living on a bus for long stretches of time, a la Motley Crue. The Two For Flinching dates are spread out over a few months, so I'll be out on the road for a few days, back home for a while, out again for a couple of days, etc. So on the days I'm "touring", I'll be posting the tour diaries--the show wraps-ups will appear a day or two after each gig and will no doubt include lots of dispraging remarks about whatever part of the country I happen to be in at that moment. Otherwise, it will just be the random e-nonsense you've come to tolerate from me.


I suppose that's enough for now. If you come back to this site on a regular basis (and if you don't, you really should), you'll be hearing lots more about this. Thanks for your continued support. You are, each and every one of you, my hero.

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
HALF-ASSED CHALLENGE OF THE DAY!

Your challenge: At some point today, try slipping the word 'merriment' in conversation without being looked at like a weirdo. The only rule is, you must use the word in the proper context, and with complete sincerity--no air quotes or ironic eyebrow raising.

This has been your Half-Assed Challenge of the Day.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
SELF-PIMPING AIN'T EASY

Okay, here's the deal: Comedy Central is once again running it's "Stand-Up Showdown". This is where CC pits comedians against eachother to see who...well, who's fans have the most amount of free time to sit in front of the computer and click "VOTE FOR ME". If you were reading this site last year, you'll remember I flogged this competition rather tirelessly. I'm not going to do that this year, mostly because I found the whole "scrounging for votes" thing a tad undignified. Oh yeah, and I'm incredibly lazy. But I will probably mention it a couple of times over the next few weeks, starting right now.

So if you're so inclined, please do put in a vote for me by clicking below. Remember, every time you vote for me, a Malaysian sweatshop worker gets a pack of SnackWell cookies. You wouldn't want to deprive a young boy of his SnackWell cookies, would you?

RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY:
HOW TO BE A GOOD TOURIST IN NYC

So the holiday tourist season is officially over and I feel like I have to take a moment to apologize to all of the Midwestern housewives, Arizona fratboys and acidwash-clad Europeans who were jostled, bumped and otherwise abused by us 'rude New Yorkers' over the past month or so. It is true--we can be a tad abrupt in this city. But I ask you to consider this: many of us are very busy and you guys do tend to get in the way a bit.

You have to understand, New York was planned very poorly. For some reason, the two most scenic neighborhoods in Manhattan (Times Square and Rockefeller Plaza) happen to be littered with high-rise office buildings. So the people who 'rudely' bump into your church group as you try to decide between Planet Hollywood and the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. are not just scurrying along to piss you off--they're trying to get to work. Imagine if you went to work one day, only to find they'd opened a petting zoo in your office. Would you keep an even temper if everytime you went to the fax amchine, there was some fat little kid in the way hand-feeding a llama? Sure it might be cute at first, but by Day Nine you'd be ready to take a life.

This is not a hopeless situation. We can all share this beautiful city--natives, transplants (like me) and visitors alike. I would only ask you to obey the laws of traffic. Remember, New York is a pedestrian city. Think of the subways as interstates and avenues (like Broadway) and cross-streets (like 42nd st.) as highways. If you really want to stop and marvel at the sights of Times Square ("Ooo, a really big Toys R Us!!"), pull over. Imagine if, as you were on your morning commute, some asshole stopped his car dead in the middle of the highway so he could admire an overpass ("Hey, lookie here--Rob loves Gina!"). You'd be a bit peeved, would you not? Perhaps you might even seem a little bit...rude?

Look, I'm not saying New Yorkers can't be dicks--we/they are huge assholes in a number of ways. But the next time someone "accidently" shoulder checks you outside of the Today Show or scowls as you jockey to have your picture taken with the Naked Cowboy (New Yorkers loathe that fuckwad, by the way), don't assume we're just determined to kill your buzz. There's a good chance we're just trying to get through the day without strangling a Missouri housewife with her fannypack strap.

I guess this is the kid of shit that makes the rest of the country hate all of us 'coastal elites', eh?

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY
NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS OF THE RANDOM AND NOTEWORTHY

To welcome in 2007, let's take a look at the New Year's resolutions of some of my personal friends, such as:


SOON-TO-BE-TRADED YANKEES PITCHER RANDY JOHNSON

1) Steal money from homeless person
2) Punch baby in face
3) Re-grow kick ass mullet



RECORDING SENSATION AND PEE FETISH ICON FERGIE

1) Remember to always tinkle before heading to the stage
2) Find ways to plaster face with even more makeup
3) Enjoy seven remaining minutes



INTERNATIONAL MEGASTAR JACKEE

1) Inject even more sass into everyday interactons
2) Upload "227" clips onto YouTube
3) Contact Rodney about "Ladybugs" sequel



FORMER GENERAL ELECTRIC CEO JACK WLECH

1) Apply "Welch's Rules" to illegal cockfighting industry
2) Spend more time with Jermaine Jackson
3) Schedule ten minutes a day to tuck penis between legs and stand in front of mirror



IRAQI CLERIC MOQTADA AL SADR

1) Stop making excuses and get sock puppet business off ground
2) Get abs totally ripped in time for Ramadan
3) Conquer "GTA: San Andreas" side missions without using cheat codes



MOVIE STAR SISTERS DAKOTA AND ELLE FANNING

1) Poison neighbor's dog, blame it on Asian kid down street
2) Arrange joint interview on Access Hollywood, reveal Holocaust as hoax
3) Enact "Operation Viper"

SATURDAY MID-AFTERNOON SPECIAL
WHAT YOUR HOLIDAY GIFTS SAY ABOUT YOU

So it's a few days after Christmas and it's time to take inventory of all the junk you received. Here's a little something I taped for the Best Week Ever website.

Enjoy!

HEY, FLORIDIANS!

Just letting all of you Sunshine Staters know that I'll be performing at the Ft. Lauderdale Improv this weekend, from Thursday 12/28 to Saturday 12/30. So put down your brand new Nintendo Wii or "Grey's Anatomy, Season Two" DVD and come out to a show. I promise to say lots of very funny things and that those funny thing will be properly amplified via microphone technology. And think of the added bonuses:

1) The Ft. Lauderdale Improv is adjacent to the Hard Rock Seminole Hotel and Casino, so after the show you can win back all of that holiday cash you wasted on your family.

2) You'll be able to cross "See the world’s most scintillating stand-up comedy show not involving watermelons" off of your New Year’s resolutions before the New Year has even begun!

3) I'll be selling and signing copies of my new CD, "Two For Flinching". What better way to try to make amends for the semi-degrading lingerie you bought for your wife?

4) Feeling a bit porky from all your yuletide binging? Well laughter burns up to 85 calories a minute! Where do I get that statistic, you ask? I made it up, fuckface! But laughing at my highly articulate dick jokes ain’t gonna make you any fatter--that’s the Christian Finnegan guarantee.

Please don't resist--you'll just end up embarrassing both of us. Here are the details:

Christian Finnegan @ The Ft. Lauderdale Improv
December 28 -30
5700 Seminole Way
Hollywood, FL 33314
Click here for tickets and stuff

See you there, friendlies.


Regards,
me

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
DAYS OF YORE

This morning, the St. Petersburg Times pulled a 2002 quote from this very blog for an article about Paul McCartney's holiday dickpunch, "Wonderful Christmastime". In honor of this little bit of media love, I've decided to re-post the entry the quote was pulled from. Reading it back, there are a couple of innacuracies (1. Bowie's blazer in the Bing Crosby special appears to be sharkskin rather than velveteen, and 2. Sir Paul is singing "sim-plee", not "seeeem t'be"), but in general I think it all still holds up. One thing, though: I'm kind of embarrassed for having said that "Do They Know it's Christmas?" has lyrical heft. As my friend Andres rightly pointed out, maybe these poor Africans don't know it's Christmas because...well, they live in fucking Africa, you condescending Imperialist bastards.

Still, enjoy:


TOWER OF HUBRIS RATES CHRISTMAS CAROLS OF THE MODERN ERA


* "Do They Know it's Christmas" (Band Aid) -- Sure, you can name all of the soloists in "We Are the World", but can you do the same for "Do They Know it's Christmas"? In case you aspire to my level of utter dorkiness, it goes: Paul Young / Boy George / George Michael / Simon LeBon / Simon LeBon and Sting / Sting and Bono / Bono / everyone / Paul Young again / everyone. Why a pathetic 80s also-ran like Paul Young got two solos, we'll never know. I will say this, though--Paul Young wins the award for "Most Inappropriate Use of a Sitar" hands-down for that song "Every Time You Go Away". As far as the Band Aid song goes, I actually kind of love it. It's actually got some musical and lyrical heft to it, unlike that USA for Africa horseshit. GRADE: B+


* "Little Drummer Boy" (Bing Crosby and David Bowie) -- This song was, of course, recorded as part of a famous '70s Bing Crosby Christmas special and I defy any of you to watch the little opening "scene" acted out between Bowie and Bing and tell me it's not the first three minutes of a gay porno. "Percival lets me use his piano...may I come in?" Percival?! Then, Bing awkwardly sidles up to the baby grand and makes "small talk" as Bowie teases him with his Aladdin Sane-era shock of red hair blue velveteen blazer, while nonchalantly thumbing through some sheet music. The sexual tension is almost palpable. And then...song. Ladies and gentlemen, the gayest moment ever on television (that didn't involve ice skates). Bowie was in fine voice, by the way. GRADE: B


* "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Elmo 'n Patsy) -- The very sound of Down Syndrome. Even sadder: I absolutely loved it when it came out. I would sit patiently by the radio, listening to Dr. Demento (as was my Sunday night ritual), anxiously awaiting the "Funny Five" countdown. "Coming in at #5: "Yoda" by Weird Al Yankovic, #4: "Fish Heads" by Barnes and Barnes, #3: "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Napoleon XIV, #2: "Dead Puppies" by Ogden Edsl", and the #1 song of the week, dementoids and dementites, is Elmo 'n Patsy!!! Hoo-raaaaay!" I think I stopped listening to Dr. Demento the day I touched an actual boobie. Thanks, Nicole Guttenberg! GRADE: D


* "Fairytale of New York" (The Pogues) and "2000 Miles" (Pretenders) -- I shan't joke about either of these songs. GRADE: A


* "Christmas in Hollis" (Run-DMC) -- I think of Run-DMC a lot around this time of year, every time I get together with my friends and "bust Christmas carols". I did so love this song when it came out, wlthough I had no idea where "Hollis, Queens" was, nor what "collared greens" were, nor "cold hundreds of G's". Looking back, I think you can pinpoint "Christmas in Hollis" as the precise moment when Run-DMC stopped being taken seriously by black people. I think it may have has something to do with the "mischievous elf" in the video. It's probably difficult to come off as "hard" once you've appeared on film with a dude in tights and pointy shoes. I still get psyched when it comes on the radio or MTV, only to disappointedly turn the station two minutes in, once my "Irony Meter" starts dipping into the red. GRADE: B-


* "Wonderful Christmastime" (Paul McCartney) -- Sweet Christ, if this is the worst song ever recorded, I'm not sure what is. Recorded in the early days of synthesizer technology, this little yuletide ditty (or don't-y) now reminds one not of the Beatles' majesty, but of a rejected theme song for some cooking show on Queens public access television. Every time I hear that "seeeem t'be haaa-ving...", a little piece of me dies. I will always love Sir Paul, but I fully expect that "Wonderful Christmastime" is what's piped through Hell's stereo system while Satan pierces your genitals with burning rods. GRADE: F-


* "Backdoor Santa" (Bon Jovi) -- Insert joke here. GRADE: D

There are, of course, dozens more ("Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon and Wham!'s "Last Christmas", to name but two), but I'm getting tired and it's not like anyone going to be checking in here today, anyway. And if you ARE, go wrap some goddamn presents, or something!

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
WHAT CHILD IS THIS?

Hey there. Long time no type.

I was in Dayton, OH this week, performing at the lovely Funnybone Comedy Club. It was a very nice club and the majority of my sets went surprisingly well (except for Sunday night's show, which was populated in part by a large group of women from a local black church, one wearing a lovely Easter hat--hardly my target audience). Anyway, the brand new club is situated in one of those outdoor cookie-cutter outdoor malls that seem to be popping up in city in America. Seriously, everyu place I travel to seems to have one of these sprawling "lifestyle centers", all of which seem to include a movie theater, The Cheesecake Factory and either a Talbots or a Chico's. Totally off-topic, Kambri once nailed the Chico's appeal, describing it to me as a place for suburban middle-aged women who think of themselves as free spirits. Seriously, take a look at this chick and tell me she consider herself to be "sassy". Gauzy blouses combined with long strings of beads are an unholy fashion alchemy. Blecch.

Speaking of holiness, the most noteworthy of this particular outdor mall was the live nativity scene set up in the courtyard in front of the club (adjacent to the parking lot, as described in the Bible). I know it's easy to take potshots at religious people, and I actually find nativity scenes kind of heartwarming. But man, I simply cannot convey how lackluster this scene was--no effort whatsoever. Four bales of hay, some traffic partitions, and a few random townsfolk andd meth addicts in costume. The costumes weren't terrible in and of themselves, but Joseph and Mary apparently made a pitstop at LensCrafters on the way to the Holy Land. How hard is it to leave your specs in the minivan? Does life in the manger really require 20/20 vision? I'm also pretty certain one of the wise men was wearing an iPod. No goats or donkeys in sight, just one mangy collie lying off to the side, licking himself. And although I absolutely cannot confirm this, I suspect the Baby Jesus was a Bratz Babyz doll. Worst of all, the birth of Christ was being recreated directly beneath Adobe Gila's, a garish margarita-and-date-rape saloon that I'm sure is part of some awful chain. So for the better part of Friday and Saturday evening, the nativity was was bathed in the muffled bass and hostile chanting of whatever the DJ was using to get the party started on "Naughty School Girl Night". At no point in the weekend did I see more than five people observing the virgin birth at any given time--mostly, people would cast a cursory glance while strolling over to Yankee Candle.

Truly a Christmas miracle! Hallelujah!

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO WELCOME FANS OF THE DYING MEDIUM KNOWN AS RADIO!

(NOTE: In a few hours, I'll be appearing on the Bob & Tom show, an very popular morning radio show that airs all over this great nation of ours. The show is extremely comedian-friendly and many of my peers who've appeared on the show have said they experienced a lot of new web traffic as a result. Therefore, I thought I might as well introduce myself to any curious passers-by.)


Good day, Bob & Tom listeners. Welcome to my little e-oasis. I assume you're here because:

A) You're desperate to learn more about the wonderfully talented and charismatic person you heard on the radio. Who is he? What makes him tick? What are his hopes and dreams? And most importantly, DO BOB AND TOM REALIZE THEY'RE IN PRESENCE OF COMEDY GENIUS?

B) You're desperate to learn more about the incredibly unfunny sack of crap you heard on the radio. Who is he? Why would anyone find him remotely funny? Why is he deluding himself? And most importantly, DOES THIS DOUCHEBAG HAVE NAKED PHOTOS OF BOB AND TOM?

C) You're looking for some bland amusement to distract you from soul-crushing spiritual nutpunch that is your career.

Whatever the reason, nice to have you. Scroll down, take a look around--I guarantee you'll find something that will make you say, "Gee, he seemed like a much nicer person on the radio." Toodles!


Sincerely,

Christian Finnegan
Your Private Dancer

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
HE'S GOT THE LOOKS THAT THRILL!

As you may have heard, interim U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton will be stepping down before the new congress convenes in January. Now I don't pretend to have any clue what goes into good ambassador-ing. My evaluation of John Bolton as both a civil servant and a human being is pretty bare-bones: All the people who support him seem to be douchebags--therefore, I must assume that John Bolton is also a douchebag and, hence, a bad ambassador. I will say this for the man, though: he is, without a doubt, the goofiest looking human being to ever hold high office. Don't believe me? Check this dude out:



Take a look at that guy and tell he shouldn't be living inside a tree. I mean, there are offices higher than Ambassador to the U.N. and there are probably people goofier looking than John Bolton. But to be that goofy and that powerful? Well, you really have to tip your hat. This dude is an inspiration--no longer will aesthetically challenged children be forced to say, "Gee, I'd really love to represent my country at the United Nations one day...but man, I'm just fucking goofy looking!"

I'm hoping that the president stays the course on this one and nominates someone equally as visually groundbreaking to replace Ambasador Bolton. To that end, I've compiled my only little shortlist. Feel free to forward these photos along to yoour congressperson, along with a few thousand signatures:

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
LET'S GET FISCAL

Question for you mature adults out there: When you receive your bank statements every month, what do you do with them? Do you go through them, match them against your receipts and checkbook, make sure no one is ripping you off? That seems like the kind of thing an adult would do. I'm hoping at least a couple of you do this, because if not, my financial strategy is truly fucked.

You see, when I receive statements of any kind (bank, credit card, cell phone, what have you), I toss them in the garbage unopened. You know why I don't bother to read my statements? Because you do. Nothing personal, there--I'm not implying that your fiscal responsibility is in some way uncool. Although, let's be honest: do you think The Fonz would spend a lot of time going through his Discover Card statement? But that's beside the point. What I'm saying is, Bank of America doesn't know me. They don't anything about me. They have no idea that I possess the organizational skills of a heroin-addicted toddler. For all Bank of America knows, I'm vigiliant with my finances, the kind of person who goes through every bill with a fine-tooth comb, looking for indescretions and overcharges. I could be the kind of person who spends an hour on hold with Account Services to clear up an errant late fee, not because I really need the $15, but merely on principle. For all Bank of America knows, I could be...you. And they're not going to dare try to fuck with you, are they? So thanks, nerds--your fiscal responsibility has freed me up to be the man I am today.

Why do I have the feeling that one day I'll re-read this last paragraph and start weeping?

I feel like I'm in the midst of a serious 'Manchild' phase of my life. My body is beginning to show undeniable signs of age, and yet I seem to have acquired none of the maturity that usually goes along with getting older. For example, I have a "bad knee". I'm not saying that I injured my knee, that if I take it easy for a week or two it will be back in tip-top shape. No, I'm talking about the deep ache in my left knee that has flared up over the past year or so whenever I've tried to jog for sustained periods/distances. This is not something that I see getting better--it's just a fact of life that I have to live with now that I'm solidly in my Thirties. Hell, I remember when my Dad first acquired a "bad knee" right around the same age I am now. Of course, when my Dad was 33, he owned a home, two cars and a business that employed about twenty people (this in addition to taking care of a wife and two children). This seems like that way it's meant to be: as your body starts to deteriorate, your "adult" capabilities begin to reveal themselves. Well, it's not really working out like that for me. It doesn't seem right that I suffer semi-regular back spasms and yet know absolutely nothing about the stock market. I knew nothing about the stock market ten years ago, but back then it was a positive. I was a freewheeling muthafucka in my Twenties--don't be wasting my time with all this NASDAQ shit! But now that I'm sporting a growing collection of grey hairs, I should probably have some vague sense of what the word "annuities" means. The guy who does my taxes tried explaining it to me, but he may as well be speaking Klingon.

I'll admit, part of me doesn't want to learn about investing, for fear of becoming one of those people. If I start having conversations about "the Market", how long will it be before I'm wearing a cell-phone holster and tucking my polo shirts into my khakis? But I am, ever so slightly, trying to dip my toe into the waters of fiscal adulthood. I even have a "Money Market Account" now, although it sits empty because I still have no idea what the hell it is. I hope to get a handle on it before I start noticing grey pubes, but it's going to be a horse race.

THANKS A BUNCH, KRAMER...

WARNING: There is nothing funny contained in today's entry. Seriously. Being that it's "Tuesday Newsday" and I am by all accounts a stand up comedian, I can't really avoid addressing this Michael Richards craziness, can I? Hell, how often is stand up comedy front page news--especially a story that doesn't involve the words "Dane" and/or "Cook"? So I will try to adress it here, even though the whole story just makes me kind of depressed and angry. This story will have residual effects on the stand up community as a whole, from the barrage of anti stand-up editorials that are already being written to my suspician that an increasing number of people are going to start filming comedy club shows on their cell phones, hoping to catch something "incriminating". It's just bad for comedians everywhere, which makes it really difficult to feel sorry for this fuckhead.

Obviously, the tirade was insane. But having been taken to task for things I've said (or have been perceived to say) on stage a few times over the past few years, I was looking for a reason, ANY reason to exonerate the dude in my mind. Well, I tried--really, I did. I'm willing to stand up (no pun intended) for any comic, saying any sort of offensive shit, provided that there is a joke involved. It doesn't have to be a great joke--hell, it can just be a vague and poorly executed premise. But there is absolutely nothing resembling a joke in Richards' screed. Not even the germ of a joke. Not even a whisper. Oh sure, he babbled something about "words, words, all these words", obviously trying to point out our cultural taboos. Setting aside ethics for a moment, that's a pathetic cop out--invoking the word "nigger" for shock value is considered indisputably hack among real stand up comics, no matter what silly context you try to put it in. But for the sake of argument, I'll give Richards this one. that still does nothing to address lines like, "fifty years ago you'd be upside down with a fork up your ass" or "that's what happens when you interrupt the white man". That's just nonsense, pure and simple.

You have to understand, I'm still not terribly comfortable taking this position. As I said up top, my instinct is always to side with a comic over any "offended party". There is so little respect for stand-up in the culture at large, and pundits and journalists are ALWAYS looking for subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways to diminish what comics try to do. By talking shit about Michael Richards, am I not taking sides against my peers? But then a very simple truth dawned on me:

Michael Richards is not a stand up comedian. So fuck him.

Michael Richards is one of a growing number of on-the-wane celebrities who have decided to attach themselves like barnacles to the world of stand-up (think Screech). There is always an air of palpable condescension that comes from people like this. They think it's easy. Or if not "easy", than certainly nothing more than a means to an end. Stand up is a way to stay visible until an on-camera gig comes along. Plus, it gives them some feeling of "cred". These are not people who feel compelled to spend five hours at a shitty Tuesday night open mic, waiting to perform for a handful of disinterested drunks.

Simply put, someone like Michael Richards has never paid his dues and obviosuly doesn't understand that stand can be...well, pretty fucking intricate. There are things about comedy that you can't learn by waltzing into a club on Saturday night and babbling (and trust me, there are no fucking jokes in this dude's set--I've seen it) to a packed room full of people who adore you because you were on the tee-vee. All of those open mics and late night hell gigs teach you things, such as: Don't try to be "edgy" without knowing what the comedic payoff is supposed to be. To paraphrase "Glengarry Glen Ross, "If you don't know the shot, keep your fucking mouth shut." Watching Richards scream "nigger" over and over again in some weak-assed attempt to be Lenny Bruce (overrated, by the way) was liking watching a foreigner read the Pledge of Alleigance phonetically.

Look, I know Richards was a sketch comedian for a very long time before Seinfeld. But sketch is not stand up--neither is improv. Only in stand-up are you forced to take full ownership of every word that comes out of your mouth. There are no characters to hide behind, no scenarios to "yes-and". There is only you, your opinion and whatever ability you have to express that opinion in a humorous fashion.

Michael Richards doesn't know that because he's not a stand up comedian. He's an out of work actor trying to be edgy and dangerous until his next "wacky neighbor" role comes along. So fuck him.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
EXACTLY HOW BIG OF A FUCKING ASSHOLE AM I?

So Saturday night I was driving a rental car to a show in Pennsylvania. I'm not a huge fan of driving--in fact, I just re-acquired my license fifteen months ago, after letting it expire when I moved to NYC at age eighteen. This particular drive was annoying because I'd rented a portable GPS system that had, due to my idiocy, taken me forty minutes out of my way. I also hadn't eaten, so I was a bit cranky. Somewhere along the way I realized I'd forgotten to pack my American Crew Forming Cream (the official hair product of aging wannabes), so I got off the highway and turned into an Eckerd's. As I started to pull into a parking spot, I noticed a roly poly child of around eleven sitting in a station wagon two spots over. He was sitting in the backseat with the door open, playing with some large brightly colored toy--some sort of brightly colored lazer gun, or something. And I suppose "playing with" isn't accurate. He was just sort of sitting there, staring at it in his hands as if it were a bunny he'd accidentally strangled to death. Mom was obviously inside buying personal hygeine products and had left Junior outside to amuse himself. He kind of reminded me of the kid from Bad Santa, only wearing glasses and not so visibly retarded.

Anyway, I pulled a bit too far into the parking spot and the front end of my Ford Taurus scraped the cement parking barrier, making a rather hideous noise. Naturally, I then backed up a bit, causing another loud screech. I got out of the car and cheked the front of the car--I bought the insurance for the car, but I was worried that Dollar Rental would still try to charge me. Relatively comfortable with the state of the Ford Taurus, I began to walk toward the front door. As I passed the Bad Santa kid, I heard home say something, almost inaudibly: "Nice driving."

Um...did I just fucking hear that? Did this little fuckknob just talk shit to me? After the day I've had? No. Fucking. Way.

"Excuse me?" I said, as I spun around to face the kid.

Pause.

"Nice hat," he said, peering up from his lazer gun. (I was, for the record, wearing a rather nondescript hat.)

"Oh really? Nice hat? That's what you just said?"

"Yeah."

"Because I could have sworn I heard you say 'nice driving'. You didn't say 'nice driving'?

"no."

"So you're telling me that I heard you wrong, that what you really said was 'nice hat'? That's what you're trying to convince me of? That's the story you're going with?"

Pause. Then quietly, "I said 'nice hat'."

The roly poly child sheepishly pulled his legs into the car, shut the door and slumped down in the backseat. I turned around and strode confidently into Eckerd's, feeling as if I'd stood up in the face of Injustice. By the time I returned to the Ford Taurus, the kid's mother had abviously finished her shopping and the station wagon was gone. I was half disappointed, as I wanted to see kid squirm a little bit more. And the other half of me was relieved, as I was a little afraid that the kid was going to tell on me and that I'd get yelled at by his mother.

Question: Exactly how big of a fucking asshole am I?

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
MUSIC APPRECIATION DAY

I'm not feeling particularly funny or self-analytical today, so I thought I might as well just recommend some tunes I've been digging lately. Not all of these are actually "new", but I've come to discover (or re-discover) each of these over the past month or two and they're all genuinely wondrous. You should go on iTunes (or whatever) and buy them.

* "Sunday Noises" by Califone
* "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley
* "Destination Diamonds" by Diamond Nights
* "Phoenix" by Cibelle
* "Skip to the End" by The Futureheads
* "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes
* "The Only Night" by Ian Love
* "Drop it Like it's Hot" by Minus the Bear (no, it's not a Snoop Dog cover)
* "Even Tho" by Joseph Arthur
* "Don't Save Us From the Flames" by M83
* "Province" by TV on the Radio
* "Piece of Clay" by Marvin Gaye
* "I Was Born (A Unicorn)" by The Unicorns
* "Why Don't We Fall in Love" by Amerie
* "Fly High Michelle" by Enuff Z'nuff (fuck you, it's a great song)

If you can't find at least one song on this list you dig, you're fucking Al Qaeda.

CASUAL FRIDAY:
PREPARE TO BE SPEECHLESS

Listen, I know this clip has already made the rounds, but I include it here in the hopes that there are a few of you out there who are still uninitiated. There is so much to love here, so much to loathe, so much to make you squirm uncomfortably in your chair. Without further ado, I give you "One Bank":



one bank on Vimeo

WEDNESDAY IS LIST DAY/RANDOM MUSING THURSDAY HYBRID:
THE POLITICS OF TOMORROW!

So the votes in Virgina are in, the Democrats have officially taken the Senate and depending on your philosophical leanings, you're either elated or moritifed (count me among the elated). I did, however, notice there seem to be more and more fringe political parties on the ballot every election year. In New York, we had the Libertarians, the Green Party, The Independence Party, Working Families, Conservatives, Socialist Workers and the "Rent is Too High" Party (I like a party that spells it out for me!). In my opinion, the Two Party System is the single worst aspect of our American Democracy--how can a government function well if half of its leaders deperately want (nay, NEED) the other half to fail? So I think the rise in Third Party candidates can only be a good thing. And according to my research, the ballot is only going to get more crowded next time around. Here are a bunch of fringe politcal parties looking to make their mark in 2008:

THE FREETOPIANS
PHILOSOPHY: Freetopians are vehemently opposed to government infringements on personal liberty at all levels. Among the things Freetopians are opposed to: streetlights, child safety caps and minimum height requirements on roller coasters.
SLOGAN: "Libertarians are a bunch of Communist pussies!"

THE ARE-WE-RACIST? PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: The AWR endorses a number of controversial social policies, all of which are very ambiguous in their intent. Are they trying to help the less fortunate? Or are they horrible racists? Hard to say. Proposals include a plan that would require teachers in predominantly Black schools to rap their lessons plans, a "Tortillas-for-Guns" program in crimeridden Latino neighborhoods, and The Schlomo Goldstein Foundation, which helps Jews pass the bar exam.
SLOGAN: "Working towards an America where men and women of every race are valid."

TGL (Total Government Live)
PHILOSOPHY: TGL wants to offer America a more direct approach to Democracy, whereby policy would be created via "shout outs" by average teens who happen to be congregating en masse outside the House of Respresentatives.
SLOGAN: "Hi, I'm Tracy Meloni from Merrick, Long Island and I want to give a mad shout out to tax code reform for working families and small business! Chad Michael Murray, I love you! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

THE FINGERFUCK PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: Founded by prominent economist Ronald Fingerfuck, The Fingerfucks are the "no nonsense" party of fiscal responsibility. They believe budget cuts are necessary in both social programs and military spending if we ever hope to reign in our ballooning national deficit.
SLOGAN: "The era of false promises is over. America deserves honest and sober fiscal leadership in the face of a ever-evolving global economy. Vote Fingerfuck."

THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE GIRLFRIEND PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: This group believes that the 'passive-aggressive girlfriend' is the perfect model for good government. If voted into power, the PAG will exert its influence on foreign and domestic policy through an intricate combination of awkward silences, vague expressions of disappointment, and occasional crying fits.
SLOGAN: "So...you don't want to increase farm subsidies? Um...okay. No, that's fine... (sigh...) ...Listen, I think I'm just going to go. No. I'm fine. Obviously, you're not interested in what I have to say, so... You just do whatever. I said, I'm fine. Really. (sigh)"

THE PEPSI GENERATION
PHILOSOPHY: This party is dedicated to promoting the family value of cool, refreshing Pepsi cola. Look under the cap of your participating Pepsi product for a chance to become Secretary of Health and Human services, or any one of 150 other rad Pepsi prizes! The PG hopes to rebound after months of infighting between potential nominees Shakira and Beyonce.
SLOGAN: With a smooth taste and less than 100 calories, it's clear that Pepsi is the choice of a new voting demographic!

THE PARTY PARTY
PHILOSOPHY: If voted into power, this group will see to it every American citizen would be able to throw a kick-ass party. Funds will be allocated for beer, potato chips, crepe paper streamers and totally awesome '80s music mix CD's. A special congressional task force will be formed to make sure that "Jeff" doesn't show up.
SLOGAN: "Dude, you are so wasted! We are so getting your vote!"

TUESDAY NEWSDAY:
AN INTERVIEW WITH A FASCINATING HUMAN BEING

The very wonderful comedy website Dead Frog just posted an extensive (dare I say, exhaustive) interview with a truly legendary American. That's right: me. Some of what I said makes me cringe a little bit. Some of it I'm relatively proud of. The main thing this interview has taught me is that i really need to learn how to speak in full and complete sentences--especially when talking to someone on the phone.

Anyway, if you're interested in the philosphy of stand up comedy (to the extent there is one), I think it's worth reading. You can read the whole thing here.

P.S. By the way, Kambri has been demanding I mention that, on the very same day I "worked" with Kevin Federline, she chatted with Wilmer Valderama. this is significant because K-Fed and Wilmer are probably my two biggest go-to punchlines on "Best Week Ever". Wilmer more than Federline, honestly (after all, anyone can make a K-Fed joke). Still, that is a pretty heavy-duty aligning of the douchebaggy planets. You can read about Kambri's Valderhomage here. I'm relieved that, by all indications, Kambri was able to resist havng sex with him.

SELF-ANALYSIS MONDAY:
SLIGHT RETURN

So, if you didn't notice, I took a little time away from the Tower of Hubris last week. What can I say--I was ravaged by exhaustion and had other things to do that were...how shall I say it...more important than the e-masturbatory folly that is this blog. But just so you don't feel like you missed out on anything, here's a quick update on the things I'm wracking my brain with these days:

* I spent the majority of the past week readying a sitcom idea that I am pitching to a television executive this afternoon (at 3pm EST, if you're the kind of person who believes in putting out "good vibes" and shit). I'm working with a very talented writer dude who's really done the lion's share of the work--my main role has been to meet him for lunch and babble nonsensically about my worldview. My other role has been to add little nuggets of wisdom, such as "I don't want my character to be named Walter" and "There aren't really any Cubans in Astoria, Queens". Anyway, it's been a pretty interesting process and I'm proud to finally count myself among the 4,000,000 douchebags out there hawking a situation comedy.

* On Saturday evening, I nearly got into a fistfight. And when I say "fistfight", I mean "had my ass handed to me by a teenage Latino dude". Here's an abbreviated rundown of how it all went down, with the helps of semi-colons: Thug Life was sitting on the subway stairs; I needed to get by and as I did I bumped into him slightly; he said some shit to me; I said some shit back; he got into my "grill"; I didn't back down (too much); Thug Life ceremoniously removed his doo-rag (it was ON!); I walked down the platform; he followed me and said some more shit; I said some more shit back, trying my best to refrain from calling him MC Hammer (he had stupid little lines cut into his eyebrows); he promised to follow me wherever I went; I told him to go ahead, while privately praying he wouldn't); he told me as we got above ground he was going to rob and beat me; I gave him a very nervous "whatever" look; Thug Life started stalking the platform yelling "WHITE BOY! WHIIIIIIIIITE BOY!"; I removed my license and credit cards from my wallet (just in case!); we got on the train, he starting badgering some random and bewildered black woman, shouting about how, back in the day, white boys never would have gotten away with talking shit (ah, the salad days!); we got off the train; I walked towards one staircase; he inexplicably lost track of me (I wasn't running, I promise!) and walked towards the other staircase; I climbed the stairs while listening to Thug Life yell "WHITE BOY! WHERE YOU AT?!"; I walked at a normal pace (maybe I was hurrying a little...okay, I was speed-walking, basically) across 14th street to my gig, all the while half-waiting for a drunken fist to come careening down onto the back of my head; I got to the club and spent the next twenty minutes drinking and waiting for my hands to stop shaking with rage (okay, fear). Then I went up and tried to make people laugh--it went pretty well except for the moment where I started yelling at some Jersey girl for talking during my set. I'm man enough to admit that maybe I was taking shit out on her just a teensy-weensy bit. Such is life.

* Oh, and did I mention I met Kevin Federline on Thursday? Well, I did. I did something with him for Best Week Ever. While spectacularly unimpressive as a public figure (even in person, K-Fed has the starpower of a TGI Fridays night manager), he said or did nothing that was glaringly douche-y. I was polite, but not overly friendly. I already felt like a major hypocrite standing there next to him after all the shit I;'ve talked about him on the show. Best Week Ever, like politics, creates strange bedfellows. Honestly, I was just relieved he didn't punch me in the face. Either he's fully embraced his Semi-Celebrity Pinata status, or Best Week Ever isn't on his radar. I will say this, though--that dude positively reeks of cigarettes. Shit is nasty, yo.

* Lastly, just so I don't miss yet another opportunity to flog Two For Flinching, here's a quick little promo I did for BWE (as we insiders/jackwads call it):