BAD 'BAMA JAMMA
I'm currently in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm performing all weekend at a rather beautiful comedy club known as the "Stardome". The weather has been nice, the other comics on the bill are funny and cool, and all of the staff has been friendly and helpful. Why, you could almost say it's been the perfect comedy weekend!
Oh, did I mention during Friday night's show, eight staff members had to physically drag a drunk Marine out of the showroom before he could climb onto the stage and kick my ass? No? I didn't mention that? Oh, we all that happened, too.
I can't tell you how surreal the whole thing was. I was about fifteen minutes into my set when a guy stood up and yelled something toward/at me. I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, so I said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sir, but I forgot to bring my Drunk-to-English dictionary with me". People laughed, and the guy got really furious. He started yelling "I'M A MARINE! I'M A MARINE!" This was not a shock to me, as I'd heard someone yell this during the emcee's set, albeit in a far more affable tone. I apologized for making fun of his non-sobriety and invited the audience to give him a round of applause in appreciation of his military service. This choice was inspired both my genuine admiration for our men and women in uniform and by my sincere desire to not get my ass kicked.
Okay, more the latter than the former, I suppose.
Anyway, I'm honestly assuming this was going to be the end of it. But then he begins to approach the stage, inspiring members of the staff to sweep in from various corners of the room. The Marine is now screaming, "I'VE SPENT TWO YEARS IN IRAQ! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!" I suppose the subtext here is, "I fought for your freedom of speech, so now I'm going to kick your ass for speaking freely."
At this point, things get physical. The guy has grabbed on to a railing, as staff members try to drag the guy towards the door. They had help from the dude's two Marine buddies, who for the record seemed genuinely embarrassed by their friend's behavior. At this point, I had to start cracking jokes, because the audience was just sitting there, dumbfounded. The more jokes I would make, the more insanely determined this guy was to pummel the living shit out of me. I cannot stress this enough--this man absolutely would have put me in the hospital. The whole ordeal lasted a solid 5-7 minutes, which felt like a fucking eternity. As he was being "ushered" out, he kept yelling, "I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE!!!" Once things calmed down, I got a good amount of laughs talking about the ordeal, and I think everyone was relieved when I got back to doing my prepared material. Still, the event had a rather chilling effect on the set as a whole (go figure!). By the end of my set, people were ready to go home--if for no other reason than so they could get to the business of telling people about how they almost saw a stand up comedian get murdered onstage.
I should mention that the staff were prepared for this guy to be a problem from the get-go. He'd shown up drunk and by the time I took the stage, had been "cut off" by the manager, which is usually when the problems start. And the manager told me when they dragged the guy out to his car, there were two empty bottles of vodka on the floor! Yee-haw! But I have to assume there was something about me specifically that set him off.
Now this is the part where I'd like to make it sound like that this guy hated me because my material was so cutting edge--that I was so unrelenting in my critique of our government and culture that it made this grunt's head explode. A lot of New York liberal elitists would take a potentially violent attack by an Alabama redneck as a sign of indie cred. But the truth is, I had kind of de-balled my set in anticipation of playing to Birmingham crowds. I had smoothed all the rough edges, removed just about anything I thought might be a bit too "problematic" for conservative Bush-loving Alabamans--to the extent that I didn't feel 100% excited about the set I'd put together. But I'm trying to establish myself as a headliner, and The Stardome is very well-regarded club, blah blah blah blah blah....
I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, I really want to be the kind of comic who can entertain any crowd--I really get frustrated with many of my NYC comic peers who can make a bunch of 20-something hipsters laugh, but feel "above" trying to reach the other 96% of the country. You can have mass appeal without being a total hack--Chris Rock manages it. So does Dave Chappelle. And Ellen DeGeneres. But then on the other hand, when playing a city like Birmingham, I feel like I'm forced to play with half a deck. It's not just political material you have to avoid, it's also anything even remotely of-the-moment, culturally. Tonight I asked how many people in the audience owned an iPod. You would have thought I'd presided over a lesbian wedding while simultaneously performing a third-trimester abortion on stage. I don't yet have the career currency to do exactly the set I want to do without consideration of where I'm performing, who I'm performing for, etc.--you can't really get away with that until audiences are coming out to see you, specifically. Remember, George Carlin and Richard Pryor didn't reinvent the wheel until after they'd already become pretty famous using...well, the regular wheel.
Of course, I'm sure that's what lots of hacks tell themselves.
The point is, I was hardly going out of my way to provoke the Birmingham crowd. Still, I guess there must have been something I said to inspire Semper Fi's rage. The disruption started when I was tackling an extremely controversial subject: the board game Monopoly. But I imagine his anger probably started about five minutes earlier when I did a very short, very tame bit about America being like a high school bully. I opted not to point out to the crowd that this guy, someone charged with representing our nation to the citizens of the world, wanted to combat my "bully" premise b y beating the shit out of me. But honestly, I don't think that one thirty-second bit was enough to set him off. No, I think there was just something about me, the way I choose to form sentences that made him say, "Hey, this guy's not one of us". I think I must give off a pungent "Yankee Faggot" scent.
So there you have it--one of the stranger gigs I've had in...well, weeks. Ahhhhh, comedy!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
ILL HUMORED
Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.
People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.
Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.
People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.
Friday, October 14, 2005
FASHION SHOW
A couple of days ago, I saw an elderly man wearing a skipper hat. That's kind of an underappreciated look, isn't it? A skipper hat says, "I'm in control. I can handle any situation. Either that, or I'm mentally retarded." I actually found the hat kind of comforting, seeing as this particular elderly gent was sitting across the aisle from me on an airplane. I figured if shit started to go down--terrorism, mechanical failure, et cetera--I could turn to him and yell, "DO SOMETHING, CAP'N!!!"
So the skipper hat was a bold choice, but what really made this guy's outfit was his sweatshirt. It was plain white, with a couple of random spaghetti sauce stains. But on the front was printed, "IT'S NOT AN EMPTY NEST UNTIL THEY GET THEIR STUFF OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Yeah, you said it, grandpa! Zing! Take that, whippersnappers! What is the age where one completely stops giving a shit about he looks in public? When do you stop picking out clothes that you think "make a statement" and start wearing sweatshirts that actually make statements? I want to think this guy simply doesn't care about what he wears, and not that he picked that sweatshirt out on purpose. I don't want to imagine this guy walking into Spencer Gifts and declaring, "Yes! I have found the sweatshirt I've been looking for all these years! This garment aptly describes what it's like to have adult children who have moved out of your home and yet still don't display the proper level of responsibility! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!!"
Then again, I'm currently wearing a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt, so who am I to judge?
A couple of days ago, I saw an elderly man wearing a skipper hat. That's kind of an underappreciated look, isn't it? A skipper hat says, "I'm in control. I can handle any situation. Either that, or I'm mentally retarded." I actually found the hat kind of comforting, seeing as this particular elderly gent was sitting across the aisle from me on an airplane. I figured if shit started to go down--terrorism, mechanical failure, et cetera--I could turn to him and yell, "DO SOMETHING, CAP'N!!!"
So the skipper hat was a bold choice, but what really made this guy's outfit was his sweatshirt. It was plain white, with a couple of random spaghetti sauce stains. But on the front was printed, "IT'S NOT AN EMPTY NEST UNTIL THEY GET THEIR STUFF OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Yeah, you said it, grandpa! Zing! Take that, whippersnappers! What is the age where one completely stops giving a shit about he looks in public? When do you stop picking out clothes that you think "make a statement" and start wearing sweatshirts that actually make statements? I want to think this guy simply doesn't care about what he wears, and not that he picked that sweatshirt out on purpose. I don't want to imagine this guy walking into Spencer Gifts and declaring, "Yes! I have found the sweatshirt I've been looking for all these years! This garment aptly describes what it's like to have adult children who have moved out of your home and yet still don't display the proper level of responsibility! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!!"
Then again, I'm currently wearing a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt, so who am I to judge?
Thursday, October 13, 2005
PHOTO ETIQUETTE
I've never understood the things people do in photographs. A friend of mine went to Disneyland recently and he had his picture taken with Goofy. This, in and of itself, is a strange decision for a 34 year old man. But what I really found strange is that my friend felt the need to give the thumbs-up sign in the picture. Why do people do that? What is the message you're trying to get across there? That's like something politicians do. "Ladies and gentleman, I approve of Goofy. Goofy, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work! Goofy and me, working together for a better America!" The only possible reason I can imagine for a non-politician to give the thumbs-up sign in a picture is if you're trying to let people know you're not being kidnapped. I mean, if you're seven years old and "Goofy" is taking your picture in the back of his windowless van, by all means give us a thumbs-up. "It's okay, mommy and daddy--I'm here of my own free will! Goofy invited me back to his apartment for a wrestling match and if I win I get a Jolly Rancher! Yayyyy!"
Another thing people do in photos is point at the other person in the picture. They'll throw one arm over you in a "he's my bestest buddy in the world" kind of fashion and with the other hand, point at you. This is a an axtremely arrogant and douchebaggy thing to do, as the subtext here is, "Look, I know you're all looking at me, but don't forget...there's somebody else in this picture. Don't forget about this guy. He's cool, too! I mean, probably not as awesome as me, but...well, you get the idea."
And every once in a while, you'll still get people doing the horns-behind-the-head thing. When was that ever funny? It must be a remnant of some distant era, because in the entirety of my life I've never seen it elicit anything but faint disgust and annoyance. In the middle ages, it must have been hilarious for someone to stand behind you while you were having your portrait painted. Then people could by your castle and have a good laugh. "Everyone, gaze upon Duke of Yorkshire! It appears as if he has horns growing out of his skull! Ha ha ha! Oh, how droll! Why, he looks almost like...like...the Devil! Burn him!" So maybe it wasn't a "joke" back then--maybe it was a passive-agressive form of revenge. I guess the modern day equivalent would be if someone was having his picture taken and you somehow slipped a Ku Klux Klan banner in the background.
Actually, that is kind of funny.
I've never understood the things people do in photographs. A friend of mine went to Disneyland recently and he had his picture taken with Goofy. This, in and of itself, is a strange decision for a 34 year old man. But what I really found strange is that my friend felt the need to give the thumbs-up sign in the picture. Why do people do that? What is the message you're trying to get across there? That's like something politicians do. "Ladies and gentleman, I approve of Goofy. Goofy, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work! Goofy and me, working together for a better America!" The only possible reason I can imagine for a non-politician to give the thumbs-up sign in a picture is if you're trying to let people know you're not being kidnapped. I mean, if you're seven years old and "Goofy" is taking your picture in the back of his windowless van, by all means give us a thumbs-up. "It's okay, mommy and daddy--I'm here of my own free will! Goofy invited me back to his apartment for a wrestling match and if I win I get a Jolly Rancher! Yayyyy!"
Another thing people do in photos is point at the other person in the picture. They'll throw one arm over you in a "he's my bestest buddy in the world" kind of fashion and with the other hand, point at you. This is a an axtremely arrogant and douchebaggy thing to do, as the subtext here is, "Look, I know you're all looking at me, but don't forget...there's somebody else in this picture. Don't forget about this guy. He's cool, too! I mean, probably not as awesome as me, but...well, you get the idea."
And every once in a while, you'll still get people doing the horns-behind-the-head thing. When was that ever funny? It must be a remnant of some distant era, because in the entirety of my life I've never seen it elicit anything but faint disgust and annoyance. In the middle ages, it must have been hilarious for someone to stand behind you while you were having your portrait painted. Then people could by your castle and have a good laugh. "Everyone, gaze upon Duke of Yorkshire! It appears as if he has horns growing out of his skull! Ha ha ha! Oh, how droll! Why, he looks almost like...like...the Devil! Burn him!" So maybe it wasn't a "joke" back then--maybe it was a passive-agressive form of revenge. I guess the modern day equivalent would be if someone was having his picture taken and you somehow slipped a Ku Klux Klan banner in the background.
Actually, that is kind of funny.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
BLOG READERS, HEED MY CALL!
Um...hello? Testing... Is this thing on?
Greetings, internet personages. It is I, Christian Finnegan, returning to you after my long self-imposed e-Exile. I have missed you, insomuch as someone can miss snarky anonymous comments about his career, appearance and general demeanor. If you are someone who has been reading this page since "back in the day" (as all the kids are saying), thanks for sticking around--your patience is astounding and perhaps bordering on creepy. If you are someone who stumbled upon my website and wondered what the hell "Tower of Hubris" meant, welcome. This is the page where I used to post lots and lots and lots of random jokes and attempts at profundity. Then it became the page where I would sporadically post random jokes and attempts at profundity, interspered with apologies and promises to write more often. Then it became the page I abandoned utterly, like a pathetic frat boy ducking some homely girl he fucked after a pep rally. And yet, even over the past few months, as I've actively avoided going to my own website for fear of reminding myself of the e-comic I used to be, this page continued to call out to me, like my very own "Telltale Heart". "Chrissstiannn.... Chrisssstiannnn...", it would howl in the night. "Why have you forsaken meeeeeee...? Post somethinnnnnng... Annnythinnnng.... Even one of those stupid pseudo-funny lists you used to do all the timmmmme... Stooooop beeeeeing a diiiiiiiiiick!"
Well, I'm back now. And what has inspired me to post again? I want you all to come out to a show, of course! Silly you for thinking I had no ulterior motive. But in this case, I think you'll forgive me--that is, unless you have no compassion for those affected by Hurricane Katrina (SHAME ON YOU!).
The show in questions is Northern Hospitality: A Benefit for the Bayou. It will be held tomorrow, September 14th, at the beautiful Kraine Theater and all of the proceeds will go directly to the Red Cross. I REALLY REALLY encourage you to come out. The lineup is stellar (including Andres DuBouchet and Co., performing a condensed ten-minute version of "Giant Tuesday Night", the very best sketch comedy show in NYC), and there are going to be some majorly kick-ass raffle prizes, including: a brand-new iPod mini, tickets to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, tickets to Drumstruck, a Comedy Central media & swag basket, t-shirts, a messenger bag and lots, lots more.
If you have been wanting to make a contribution to the relief efforts but just haven't had the time or wherewithal, this is a great and easy way to chip in. For a measley $20, you'll get to see a great show, maybe take home some valuable stuff and know that every penny of your money is being sent to those in need.
Here are the specifics:
NORTHERN HOSPITALITY: A Benefit for the Bayou
Wednesday, Sept. 14th
The Kraine Theater
85 E. 4th Street (btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
New York, NY
212.460.0982
8:00 PM
Admission: $20 at the door
RSVP to rsvp@ballyhoopromotions.net
Please come. Failure to show up will be taken as a sign that you are pro-Hurricane Katrina (you inhuman bastard).
Um...hello? Testing... Is this thing on?
Greetings, internet personages. It is I, Christian Finnegan, returning to you after my long self-imposed e-Exile. I have missed you, insomuch as someone can miss snarky anonymous comments about his career, appearance and general demeanor. If you are someone who has been reading this page since "back in the day" (as all the kids are saying), thanks for sticking around--your patience is astounding and perhaps bordering on creepy. If you are someone who stumbled upon my website and wondered what the hell "Tower of Hubris" meant, welcome. This is the page where I used to post lots and lots and lots of random jokes and attempts at profundity. Then it became the page where I would sporadically post random jokes and attempts at profundity, interspered with apologies and promises to write more often. Then it became the page I abandoned utterly, like a pathetic frat boy ducking some homely girl he fucked after a pep rally. And yet, even over the past few months, as I've actively avoided going to my own website for fear of reminding myself of the e-comic I used to be, this page continued to call out to me, like my very own "Telltale Heart". "Chrissstiannn.... Chrisssstiannnn...", it would howl in the night. "Why have you forsaken meeeeeee...? Post somethinnnnnng... Annnythinnnng.... Even one of those stupid pseudo-funny lists you used to do all the timmmmme... Stooooop beeeeeing a diiiiiiiiiick!"
Well, I'm back now. And what has inspired me to post again? I want you all to come out to a show, of course! Silly you for thinking I had no ulterior motive. But in this case, I think you'll forgive me--that is, unless you have no compassion for those affected by Hurricane Katrina (SHAME ON YOU!).
The show in questions is Northern Hospitality: A Benefit for the Bayou. It will be held tomorrow, September 14th, at the beautiful Kraine Theater and all of the proceeds will go directly to the Red Cross. I REALLY REALLY encourage you to come out. The lineup is stellar (including Andres DuBouchet and Co., performing a condensed ten-minute version of "Giant Tuesday Night", the very best sketch comedy show in NYC), and there are going to be some majorly kick-ass raffle prizes, including: a brand-new iPod mini, tickets to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, tickets to Drumstruck, a Comedy Central media & swag basket, t-shirts, a messenger bag and lots, lots more.
If you have been wanting to make a contribution to the relief efforts but just haven't had the time or wherewithal, this is a great and easy way to chip in. For a measley $20, you'll get to see a great show, maybe take home some valuable stuff and know that every penny of your money is being sent to those in need.
Here are the specifics:
NORTHERN HOSPITALITY: A Benefit for the Bayou
Wednesday, Sept. 14th
The Kraine Theater
85 E. 4th Street (btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
New York, NY
212.460.0982
8:00 PM
Admission: $20 at the door
RSVP to rsvp@ballyhoopromotions.net
Please come. Failure to show up will be taken as a sign that you are pro-Hurricane Katrina (you inhuman bastard).
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Christian was on The Today Show on August 26, 2005, for a Best Week Ever (VH1) segment. Here are a few things he said to Matt Lauer:
On Brad & Angelina Marriage Rumours
"I'm pretty sure when Brad hooked up with Angelina he wasn’t thinking marriage. She screams, 'transitional relationship'. But with all the negative press, marrying Angelina is the only way to salvage his reputation. It's what is commonly known as 'Soon-Yi Syndrome.'"
On Jerry Seinfeld's New Baby
"Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'"
On the topic of "Girl Crushes," Matt asked if guys can have "Boy Crushes":
"Sure I have a boy crush. I'm not going to tell you who it is but his name rhymes with Bal Broker."
On Britney's Baby:
"Britney wants to name her baby 'Charlie' while Kevin Federline wants to go with 'Meal Ticket.'"
On Brad & Angelina Marriage Rumours
"I'm pretty sure when Brad hooked up with Angelina he wasn’t thinking marriage. She screams, 'transitional relationship'. But with all the negative press, marrying Angelina is the only way to salvage his reputation. It's what is commonly known as 'Soon-Yi Syndrome.'"
On Jerry Seinfeld's New Baby
"Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'"
On the topic of "Girl Crushes," Matt asked if guys can have "Boy Crushes":
"Sure I have a boy crush. I'm not going to tell you who it is but his name rhymes with Bal Broker."
On Britney's Baby:
"Britney wants to name her baby 'Charlie' while Kevin Federline wants to go with 'Meal Ticket.'"
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
SET THOSE DVRs
On Tuesday, August 30th at 7:30 PM Comedy Central re-airs Christian's 1/2 hour special. Here's their blurb:
Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan
Christian gets philosophical about Monopoly and gives us his rendition of the "birds & the bees" talk in this half-hour stand-up special.
On Tuesday, August 30th at 7:30 PM Comedy Central re-airs Christian's 1/2 hour special. Here's their blurb:
Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan
Christian gets philosophical about Monopoly and gives us his rendition of the "birds & the bees" talk in this half-hour stand-up special.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Christian was on The Today Show back on July 20, 2005. Here are a few things he said to Katie Couric:
On Jude Law having an affair with his children's nanny:
"Getting mad as Jude Law for seducing women is like getting mad at a hamster for running on a wheel. It's what he does."
"What's really sad is somewhere in America a morning radio DJ is putting together a really awful parody of the song 'Hey Jude'."
On Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson getting married for the 3rd time:
"The question here isn't 'Will the bride be wearing white?'- it's 'Will the bride be wearing anything?'"
Entertainment Weekly ran a shortened version this quote from Finnegan commenting on Cameron Diaz having posed for topless photos:
"At this point, I'd be more surprised to find out a star hadn't taken topless photos. I mean, what were we expecting to find out, that Cameron Diaz is secretly a member of Mensa? That someone uncovered her long-lost college thesis?"
[View the Entertainment Weekly scan.]
[Vote for your favorite quote on EW.com.]
On Jude Law having an affair with his children's nanny:
"Getting mad as Jude Law for seducing women is like getting mad at a hamster for running on a wheel. It's what he does."
"What's really sad is somewhere in America a morning radio DJ is putting together a really awful parody of the song 'Hey Jude'."
On Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson getting married for the 3rd time:
"The question here isn't 'Will the bride be wearing white?'- it's 'Will the bride be wearing anything?'"
Entertainment Weekly ran a shortened version this quote from Finnegan commenting on Cameron Diaz having posed for topless photos:
"At this point, I'd be more surprised to find out a star hadn't taken topless photos. I mean, what were we expecting to find out, that Cameron Diaz is secretly a member of Mensa? That someone uncovered her long-lost college thesis?"
[View the Entertainment Weekly scan.]
[Vote for your favorite quote on EW.com.]
Monday, August 01, 2005
Be Part of a Studio Audience!
TV Land Presents: Game Time
TV Land offers what no other network can - TV Satisfaction. Why waste your valuable time flipping around the dial? There's always something on -- time-tested and audience-approved, 24 hours a day.
Be part of a live taping of Game Time, hosted by your favorite comedian, Christian Finnegan.
Monday, August 8, 2005
The Supper Club
240 West 47th Street
New York, NY 10036
2:45pm & 6:15pm
Audience members will be invited on stage, to participate in a series of Jeopardy styled questions focusing on classic TV trivia, shows like I LOVE LUCY, THREE's COMPANY, BEWITCHED, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MUNSTERS, I DREAM OF JEANNIE, LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, THE BRADY BUNCH and ALL IN THE FAMILY. Participation is optional.
The day is broken down into two shoots. The first episode shoots from 2:45-6:00- Snacks and soft drinks provided
The second episode shoots from 6:15-9:30pm Snacks, soft drinks and alcohol provided.
RSVP to me (Kambri) via email at kambri@ballyhoopromotions.net. Include your full name & which taping you'd like to attend. NOTE: Guests MUST be 21 years of age or older.
TV Land Presents: Game Time
TV Land offers what no other network can - TV Satisfaction. Why waste your valuable time flipping around the dial? There's always something on -- time-tested and audience-approved, 24 hours a day.
Be part of a live taping of Game Time, hosted by your favorite comedian, Christian Finnegan.
Monday, August 8, 2005The Supper Club
240 West 47th Street
New York, NY 10036
2:45pm & 6:15pm
Audience members will be invited on stage, to participate in a series of Jeopardy styled questions focusing on classic TV trivia, shows like I LOVE LUCY, THREE's COMPANY, BEWITCHED, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MUNSTERS, I DREAM OF JEANNIE, LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, THE BRADY BUNCH and ALL IN THE FAMILY. Participation is optional.
The day is broken down into two shoots. The first episode shoots from 2:45-6:00- Snacks and soft drinks provided
The second episode shoots from 6:15-9:30pm Snacks, soft drinks and alcohol provided.
RSVP to me (Kambri) via email at kambri@ballyhoopromotions.net. Include your full name & which taping you'd like to attend. NOTE: Guests MUST be 21 years of age or older.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
HOLA, BATFUCKERS!
Hello, honored friends. If/when you go see Batman Begins (and you should--it's pretty damn good), you may be lucky enough to pick up an issue of FLIcK Magazine (available at all Loews, Cinemark and Carmike theaters), which features a gloriously stupid piece by yours truly. Or, you could just go read it online. Here it is:
LESSER KNOWN ITEMS ON BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT
Of course, the editors of FLIcK made some cuts. Here are the gems left out of the final piece:
THE BAT ALLEN WRENCH -- This is used primarily to assemble inexpensive Scandanavian furniture. You'd be surprised how often that comes up.
BATWIPES -- Batman's enemies aren't just evil--they're also dirty. Seriously, have you ever seen the Penguin's secret lair under a black light? Eww. Luckily, Batman has sanitized handwipes to rid himself of those tiny supervillains known as "germs". They also give his latex bodysuit a sexy sheen.
THE BATT-EE CUSION (they included this one in the article, but trimmed it down) -- When you spend your life living in a cave and battling the dark side of human nature, you need a cheap giggle every once in a while. So when Batman wants to lighten the mood, out comes the Batt-ee Cushion. And it doesn't hurt that Robin is so gullible. It usually goes something like, "Holy demolition, Batman! We've got to get to the Batmobile! With that much TNT, the Riddler could blow up the entire--FFRRRRRIPPPPP! ...Okay, you got me. Good one."
THE BAT GUN -- This is just a gun, basically. Not everything has to be some super-wacky gadget, you know. Sometimes Batman just has to shoot some dude.
THE BAT BAT -- For use in the Hall of Justice Intramural Softball League. Some of the other heroes have complained about Batman's high tech equipment, but until a certain you-know-who agrees to stop stealing signals with his x-ray vision, The Dark Knight ain't budging.
Hello, honored friends. If/when you go see Batman Begins (and you should--it's pretty damn good), you may be lucky enough to pick up an issue of FLIcK Magazine (available at all Loews, Cinemark and Carmike theaters), which features a gloriously stupid piece by yours truly. Or, you could just go read it online. Here it is:
LESSER KNOWN ITEMS ON BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT
Of course, the editors of FLIcK made some cuts. Here are the gems left out of the final piece:
THE BAT ALLEN WRENCH -- This is used primarily to assemble inexpensive Scandanavian furniture. You'd be surprised how often that comes up.
BATWIPES -- Batman's enemies aren't just evil--they're also dirty. Seriously, have you ever seen the Penguin's secret lair under a black light? Eww. Luckily, Batman has sanitized handwipes to rid himself of those tiny supervillains known as "germs". They also give his latex bodysuit a sexy sheen.
THE BATT-EE CUSION (they included this one in the article, but trimmed it down) -- When you spend your life living in a cave and battling the dark side of human nature, you need a cheap giggle every once in a while. So when Batman wants to lighten the mood, out comes the Batt-ee Cushion. And it doesn't hurt that Robin is so gullible. It usually goes something like, "Holy demolition, Batman! We've got to get to the Batmobile! With that much TNT, the Riddler could blow up the entire--FFRRRRRIPPPPP! ...Okay, you got me. Good one."
THE BAT GUN -- This is just a gun, basically. Not everything has to be some super-wacky gadget, you know. Sometimes Batman just has to shoot some dude.
THE BAT BAT -- For use in the Hall of Justice Intramural Softball League. Some of the other heroes have complained about Batman's high tech equipment, but until a certain you-know-who agrees to stop stealing signals with his x-ray vision, The Dark Knight ain't budging.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
MY FATHER, THE TELEVISION STAR
I know this page has been increasingly plug-heavy (and humor-light) over the past few months, but this is one thing I have to mention:
As you may or may not know, Comedy Central airs three and half hours of stand up comedy every Friday night (shows like "Premium Blend", "Comedy Central Presents", etc.). They promote this block of programming under the name "Friday Night Stand-Up"--the same way NBC used to label their Thursday night lineup "Must-See TV". Anyway, Comedy Central often has a comedian or comic actor "host" this Friday night lineup--and by "host", I mean "show up on screen for a minute or two in-between shows and occasinally after commercial breaks to do a bit of schtick". For instance, when my episode of "Comedy Central Presents" premiered a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day, "Friday Night Stand Up" was hosted by the incomperable (and very Irish) Tom Shillue. And just last week, it was hosted by the extremely comparable Cedric "The Entertainer" and Mike Epps, who were promoting their "Honeymooners" re-make (I can't wait to see it!!!!!*).
For this week's installment of "Friday Night Stand Up", Comedy Central decided to go for a father/son angle (being that it's two days before Father's Day, and all). Luckily for me, it appears that I am the only comic in New York City who's on speaking terms with his father. Three cheers for being semi-well adjusted! So a few weeks ago my dad and I were sent out to a miniature golf course in Connecticut, where we filmed all sorts of goofy shit. It all airs tomorrow night (June 17th), starting at 8:30pm and continuing on at various times up until midnight. I've seen the footage and I think it's all really funny. My dad is a very good sport and a surprisingly good straight-man.
In many ways, working on this was the greatest moment of my "career", if for no other reason than how much it seemed to delight my dad. He's always been extremely supportive (emotionally and at times monitarily), so it was cool to kind of return the favor in some small way. And I think he really enjoyed seeing how the TV world operates--granted, at the most spratan, basic-cable level. He's now a bit of a diva, to be honest--he's constantly hanging out at Bungalow 8 and doing blow with Lindsay Lohan's dad
My favorite moment: My dad was kind of overwhelmed at how many people there were milling around the "set". There were probably 15-20 people involved, which really isn't very big at all for a "location shoot". But I think my dad was just expecting it to be me, him, and some guy toting a camcorder. At one point while they were setting up for a shot, he whispered in my ear, "You see that woman who's been standing there all day? The one with the orange scarf? What is her JOB?!" He wasn't being malicious--it was just an innocent question. I then very quietly reminded my dad that he was wearing a lapel mic. We turned towards the crew and everyone wearing a headset started laughing. Sweet.
Anyway, if you's suffering some sort of head trauma and find yourself at home on Friday night, flip over to Comedy Central and check it out. I think there's some genuinely funny shit there.
* Yes, this is a joke.
I know this page has been increasingly plug-heavy (and humor-light) over the past few months, but this is one thing I have to mention:
As you may or may not know, Comedy Central airs three and half hours of stand up comedy every Friday night (shows like "Premium Blend", "Comedy Central Presents", etc.). They promote this block of programming under the name "Friday Night Stand-Up"--the same way NBC used to label their Thursday night lineup "Must-See TV". Anyway, Comedy Central often has a comedian or comic actor "host" this Friday night lineup--and by "host", I mean "show up on screen for a minute or two in-between shows and occasinally after commercial breaks to do a bit of schtick". For instance, when my episode of "Comedy Central Presents" premiered a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day, "Friday Night Stand Up" was hosted by the incomperable (and very Irish) Tom Shillue. And just last week, it was hosted by the extremely comparable Cedric "The Entertainer" and Mike Epps, who were promoting their "Honeymooners" re-make (I can't wait to see it!!!!!*).
For this week's installment of "Friday Night Stand Up", Comedy Central decided to go for a father/son angle (being that it's two days before Father's Day, and all). Luckily for me, it appears that I am the only comic in New York City who's on speaking terms with his father. Three cheers for being semi-well adjusted! So a few weeks ago my dad and I were sent out to a miniature golf course in Connecticut, where we filmed all sorts of goofy shit. It all airs tomorrow night (June 17th), starting at 8:30pm and continuing on at various times up until midnight. I've seen the footage and I think it's all really funny. My dad is a very good sport and a surprisingly good straight-man.
In many ways, working on this was the greatest moment of my "career", if for no other reason than how much it seemed to delight my dad. He's always been extremely supportive (emotionally and at times monitarily), so it was cool to kind of return the favor in some small way. And I think he really enjoyed seeing how the TV world operates--granted, at the most spratan, basic-cable level. He's now a bit of a diva, to be honest--he's constantly hanging out at Bungalow 8 and doing blow with Lindsay Lohan's dad
My favorite moment: My dad was kind of overwhelmed at how many people there were milling around the "set". There were probably 15-20 people involved, which really isn't very big at all for a "location shoot". But I think my dad was just expecting it to be me, him, and some guy toting a camcorder. At one point while they were setting up for a shot, he whispered in my ear, "You see that woman who's been standing there all day? The one with the orange scarf? What is her JOB?!" He wasn't being malicious--it was just an innocent question. I then very quietly reminded my dad that he was wearing a lapel mic. We turned towards the crew and everyone wearing a headset started laughing. Sweet.
Anyway, if you's suffering some sort of head trauma and find yourself at home on Friday night, flip over to Comedy Central and check it out. I think there's some genuinely funny shit there.
* Yes, this is a joke.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
HOT HOT HEAT (My bi-ennial TOH Posting)
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "Boy, I can't wait for Summer!" and "Fuck THIS shit."? In New York, I think that "Hooray for warm weather" period lasted about five days this year. Now it's all just a sweaty malaise. I don't know what the weather has been like where YOU live, but here in New York City, it's been like a marathon runner's nutsack for at least two weeks. The heat makes me loathe every thing and every one. And yet I'm too exhausted to actually do or say anything about it. So I just sit around all day in a near-vegetative state, occasionally showing my faint disgust for people, places and things by rolling my eyes--like Terri Schiavo with a bad attitude.
I don't even try to look nice when I leave the house anymore, because I know that by the time I get wherever I'm going, I'll look like I just escaped a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. Weather like this is never good for your self-esteem. You're never going to look in the mirror and say "Yes! That's the look I was going for! I want to look like I just rubbed bacon all over my face! More sweat stains, please!"
Its even worse for me because I live with my girlfriend. So not only do I have to deal with my self-loathing, I have to navigate hers as well. We'll be on our way to some sort of party or get-together in this godforsaken heat, covered in sweaty filth, and she'll give me that "I look disgusting right now, don't I?" crap. There's never a suitable answer to a question like this--your choice is pretty much "Do I want to sound like an asshole or a liar?" I wish I could just be honest and say, "Well, sweetheart. Are you more beautiful at this moment that I've ever seen you before? Well, no. ...But I'd still fuck you. Sure I would! Yeah, I've slept with lots of women uglier than you look right now!" Something makes me think that wouldn't go over too well.
I desperately need a vacation. And it just so happens that Kambri and I are going away next week...to the Caribbean. Yep, that's my solution for beating the heat: head someplace even fucking hotter! But the heat in the Caribbean is different--you're on the beach, you're drinking rum punch, you're able to convince yourself that all of the resort workers don't secretly want you to die, etc. It's hot, but relaxing--like a sauna. Not like New York, where you spend the Summer months basting in urine vapors and body odor.
I'm actually taking Kambri on this little vacation for her birthday (it's June 22nd, people--we're registered here). We went to Anguilla last year and loved it, so I knew we wanted to go back to the Caribbean, but I wanted to pick someplace cool. The Caribbean is full of cheesy shit to be avoided at all costs--limbo contests, the Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot", etc. So I started to make a checklist of all the places I defintely didn't want to go: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda...basically, any place that's mentioned in the song "Kokomo" is to be avoided, I would think. we ended up settling on Turks and Caicos, an island I'd never heard of and know very little about. I was initially drawn to the name because it sounds kind of Dungeons & Dragons-y. Like maybe the place is inhabited by bugbears and/or a githyanki.
Have I revealed too much? Perhaps.
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "Boy, I can't wait for Summer!" and "Fuck THIS shit."? In New York, I think that "Hooray for warm weather" period lasted about five days this year. Now it's all just a sweaty malaise. I don't know what the weather has been like where YOU live, but here in New York City, it's been like a marathon runner's nutsack for at least two weeks. The heat makes me loathe every thing and every one. And yet I'm too exhausted to actually do or say anything about it. So I just sit around all day in a near-vegetative state, occasionally showing my faint disgust for people, places and things by rolling my eyes--like Terri Schiavo with a bad attitude.
I don't even try to look nice when I leave the house anymore, because I know that by the time I get wherever I'm going, I'll look like I just escaped a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. Weather like this is never good for your self-esteem. You're never going to look in the mirror and say "Yes! That's the look I was going for! I want to look like I just rubbed bacon all over my face! More sweat stains, please!"
Its even worse for me because I live with my girlfriend. So not only do I have to deal with my self-loathing, I have to navigate hers as well. We'll be on our way to some sort of party or get-together in this godforsaken heat, covered in sweaty filth, and she'll give me that "I look disgusting right now, don't I?" crap. There's never a suitable answer to a question like this--your choice is pretty much "Do I want to sound like an asshole or a liar?" I wish I could just be honest and say, "Well, sweetheart. Are you more beautiful at this moment that I've ever seen you before? Well, no. ...But I'd still fuck you. Sure I would! Yeah, I've slept with lots of women uglier than you look right now!" Something makes me think that wouldn't go over too well.
I desperately need a vacation. And it just so happens that Kambri and I are going away next week...to the Caribbean. Yep, that's my solution for beating the heat: head someplace even fucking hotter! But the heat in the Caribbean is different--you're on the beach, you're drinking rum punch, you're able to convince yourself that all of the resort workers don't secretly want you to die, etc. It's hot, but relaxing--like a sauna. Not like New York, where you spend the Summer months basting in urine vapors and body odor.
I'm actually taking Kambri on this little vacation for her birthday (it's June 22nd, people--we're registered here). We went to Anguilla last year and loved it, so I knew we wanted to go back to the Caribbean, but I wanted to pick someplace cool. The Caribbean is full of cheesy shit to be avoided at all costs--limbo contests, the Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot", etc. So I started to make a checklist of all the places I defintely didn't want to go: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda...basically, any place that's mentioned in the song "Kokomo" is to be avoided, I would think. we ended up settling on Turks and Caicos, an island I'd never heard of and know very little about. I was initially drawn to the name because it sounds kind of Dungeons & Dragons-y. Like maybe the place is inhabited by bugbears and/or a githyanki.
Have I revealed too much? Perhaps.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Christian will appear with Rachael Harris & Paul Scheer on the Today Show tomorrow at 7:40 AM.
Also, if you read today's NY Post, you'll see a spread about "indie" comedy which features some quotable quotes by Christian with his pic on the internet version. Unfortunately, they give the wrong credit for the photo, but I'm not too miffed by it because, hey, they included his pic in the first place!
Also, if you read today's NY Post, you'll see a spread about "indie" comedy which features some quotable quotes by Christian with his pic on the internet version. Unfortunately, they give the wrong credit for the photo, but I'm not too miffed by it because, hey, they included his pic in the first place!
Friday, May 20, 2005
REVENGE OF THE SITH & FLIcK MAGAZINE
With the premiere of Revenge of the Sith, came the launch of FLIcK Magazine with a column by none other than Christian Finnegan. Pick up your *free* copy at any Loews, Cinemark or Carmike Cinemas or avoid the geek scene altogether by downloading the whole darn thing here. Don't want to sift through the whole thing? Well, I'm all about choice, so here's another option: get only Christian's contribution by clicking here.
With the premiere of Revenge of the Sith, came the launch of FLIcK Magazine with a column by none other than Christian Finnegan. Pick up your *free* copy at any Loews, Cinemark or Carmike Cinemas or avoid the geek scene altogether by downloading the whole darn thing here. Don't want to sift through the whole thing? Well, I'm all about choice, so here's another option: get only Christian's contribution by clicking here.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I'M SO 'TARD
There are so many things I could post right now, so many things I want to write about. And yet, all of my weak-hearted attempts at artistic excellence seem so pointless in the face of...this.
Click on rosie. You know you want to.
There are so many things I could post right now, so many things I want to write about. And yet, all of my weak-hearted attempts at artistic excellence seem so pointless in the face of...this.
Click on rosie. You know you want to.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
DARN TOOTIN'!
I recently saw a guy purchasing a copy of Playboy. In itself, not so extraordinary--Playboy has a large circulation, and that means that somebody somewhere is buying it. But it seems like if you're buying Playboy nowadays, you probably are reading it for the articles. Why else would you bother? Christ, now that we have the internet, the idea of buying a nudie magazine seems almost, I don't know...quaint. Old-timey, even. Like you'd walk a three miles down to the general store to buy some sasparilla, a container of Ol' Doc Haggerty's Purifying Hair Tonic and a copy of Hustler Magazine. And yet, I'm old enough to remember a day not so long ago when a lad's nudity choices were limited to scrambled Cinemax After Dark and said nudie magazines. It makes me feel old. It makes me worry that, one day, I'll be siiting down some young whippersnappers and saying something like:
"You know, back when I was twelve years old, we didn't have this whole worldwide interweb of yours. No, if we wanted to look at naked girlies, we had to go over to T.J. Ethier's house and sneak them out of his older brother's closet! You kids just give your mousies a clickety-clack, and you gots a whole treasure trove of naked boobies and behinds to slap your baloney to! But back in my day, you had to learn how to beat off with one hand and flip pages with the other! It was hard work--something you kids wouldn't know nothin' about! We didn't have no "MPEGs" and "Quicktime". The best we could do was when you'd flip the pages really fast, like it was one of them cartooony books! But that wat okay by us--we got along just fine. What you kids got goin', it just ain't special no more! These days, any Tom, Dick or Harry can have himself a live, one-on-one chat with a horny sorority slut in his area. In my day, we had to read about other people doin' it. It was a little something called "Penthouse Forum"--something you wouldn't know about, since kids these days don't like to read!"
This really is the kind of sparkling insight that makes me one of comedy's brightest minds.
I recently saw a guy purchasing a copy of Playboy. In itself, not so extraordinary--Playboy has a large circulation, and that means that somebody somewhere is buying it. But it seems like if you're buying Playboy nowadays, you probably are reading it for the articles. Why else would you bother? Christ, now that we have the internet, the idea of buying a nudie magazine seems almost, I don't know...quaint. Old-timey, even. Like you'd walk a three miles down to the general store to buy some sasparilla, a container of Ol' Doc Haggerty's Purifying Hair Tonic and a copy of Hustler Magazine. And yet, I'm old enough to remember a day not so long ago when a lad's nudity choices were limited to scrambled Cinemax After Dark and said nudie magazines. It makes me feel old. It makes me worry that, one day, I'll be siiting down some young whippersnappers and saying something like:
"You know, back when I was twelve years old, we didn't have this whole worldwide interweb of yours. No, if we wanted to look at naked girlies, we had to go over to T.J. Ethier's house and sneak them out of his older brother's closet! You kids just give your mousies a clickety-clack, and you gots a whole treasure trove of naked boobies and behinds to slap your baloney to! But back in my day, you had to learn how to beat off with one hand and flip pages with the other! It was hard work--something you kids wouldn't know nothin' about! We didn't have no "MPEGs" and "Quicktime". The best we could do was when you'd flip the pages really fast, like it was one of them cartooony books! But that wat okay by us--we got along just fine. What you kids got goin', it just ain't special no more! These days, any Tom, Dick or Harry can have himself a live, one-on-one chat with a horny sorority slut in his area. In my day, we had to read about other people doin' it. It was a little something called "Penthouse Forum"--something you wouldn't know about, since kids these days don't like to read!"
This really is the kind of sparkling insight that makes me one of comedy's brightest minds.
Monday, May 09, 2005
YES, I'M NOW THAT ASSHOLE
A couple of weeks ago, my palm pilot shit the bed on me. So in order to prove to the world that I am an extravagant douchebag, I purchased the Treo 650, which is a Blackberry kind of thingy. Now I can look important by obsessively checking my Email in all sorts of awkward, hassle-inducing situations. God forbid I go twenty minutes without knowing that one of my friends has sent me a picture of his baby son wearing a Burger King crown. Anyone need a stock quote? Anyone?
I really have no idea what this damn gadget is capable of--no shit, the user's manual is 349 pages long. How am I supposed to get the most out of my impulse purchase and stick to my strict no-reading regimen at the same time? Well, I've broken down and started to plow through this ridiculous tome, and it's pretty amazing, all of the things my new phone/calendar/web browser/dick compensator can do. For instance, I can take up to twelve minutes of goddamn, bonafide motion picture footage on this thing. Eventually, I'll figure out how to post these mini-movies on this site, and then you'll get the pleasure of watching my girlfriend making a drunken 311 call to complain about some guy who was driving a Hummer and talking on his cell phone. Here's a teaser quote: "What do you mean he's not being reckless? He's driving a Hummer? Do you know how much fuel a Hummer uses...? He's endangering the lives of everybody!" Slur every third word and throw in a few hiccups and you're halfway there.
I also shot some footage just last night of Unchained, the "Mighty Van Halen Tribute", who were performing live at my favorite shitty bar here in Astoria. You may be saying to yourself, "Wow, you really got lucky, going to a bar where there just happened to be a cheesy cover band playing! How gloriously kitschy and ironic!" Truth is, this is the third (yes, third) time Kambri and I have gone to see Unchained (It should be noted that this was the first time the band actually played. The first time the show was cancelled because the bass player broke his ribs and the second time there wasn't enough of an audience, so they bailed.), and there was absolutely no ironic distance involved. These guys totally rocked, in a way that only four dudes from Jersey ripping through "Ain't talkin' 'Bout Love" can. Pseudo Eddie Van Halen totally knew his shit and Pseudo David Lee Roth was spot on--the voice was perfect, he did all the wonderfully silly kick moves and he had that weird David Lee Roth yelp/shriek thing down pat. The audio on the footage I have is pretty unintelligible, but it's still pretty sweet. Sadly, I accidently deleted the crown jewel of my digital collection: a bit of between-song banter, where Pseudo David Lee Roth exhorts the crowd to take advantage of the bar's drink specials.
...Okay, maybe there was a little bit of ironic distance involved.
Point is, aren't you jealous of my stupid new phone?
A couple of weeks ago, my palm pilot shit the bed on me. So in order to prove to the world that I am an extravagant douchebag, I purchased the Treo 650, which is a Blackberry kind of thingy. Now I can look important by obsessively checking my Email in all sorts of awkward, hassle-inducing situations. God forbid I go twenty minutes without knowing that one of my friends has sent me a picture of his baby son wearing a Burger King crown. Anyone need a stock quote? Anyone?
I really have no idea what this damn gadget is capable of--no shit, the user's manual is 349 pages long. How am I supposed to get the most out of my impulse purchase and stick to my strict no-reading regimen at the same time? Well, I've broken down and started to plow through this ridiculous tome, and it's pretty amazing, all of the things my new phone/calendar/web browser/dick compensator can do. For instance, I can take up to twelve minutes of goddamn, bonafide motion picture footage on this thing. Eventually, I'll figure out how to post these mini-movies on this site, and then you'll get the pleasure of watching my girlfriend making a drunken 311 call to complain about some guy who was driving a Hummer and talking on his cell phone. Here's a teaser quote: "What do you mean he's not being reckless? He's driving a Hummer? Do you know how much fuel a Hummer uses...? He's endangering the lives of everybody!" Slur every third word and throw in a few hiccups and you're halfway there.
I also shot some footage just last night of Unchained, the "Mighty Van Halen Tribute", who were performing live at my favorite shitty bar here in Astoria. You may be saying to yourself, "Wow, you really got lucky, going to a bar where there just happened to be a cheesy cover band playing! How gloriously kitschy and ironic!" Truth is, this is the third (yes, third) time Kambri and I have gone to see Unchained (It should be noted that this was the first time the band actually played. The first time the show was cancelled because the bass player broke his ribs and the second time there wasn't enough of an audience, so they bailed.), and there was absolutely no ironic distance involved. These guys totally rocked, in a way that only four dudes from Jersey ripping through "Ain't talkin' 'Bout Love" can. Pseudo Eddie Van Halen totally knew his shit and Pseudo David Lee Roth was spot on--the voice was perfect, he did all the wonderfully silly kick moves and he had that weird David Lee Roth yelp/shriek thing down pat. The audio on the footage I have is pretty unintelligible, but it's still pretty sweet. Sadly, I accidently deleted the crown jewel of my digital collection: a bit of between-song banter, where Pseudo David Lee Roth exhorts the crowd to take advantage of the bar's drink specials.
...Okay, maybe there was a little bit of ironic distance involved.
Point is, aren't you jealous of my stupid new phone?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
BEST WEEK EVER LIVE
Hey there, peoples.
As probably anyone who didn't mistakenly find my website whilst Googling "christian+fingering" knows, I appear regularly on the VH1 show "Best Week Ever". This is the television show where, every week, gifted and brilliant people not unlike myself find new and exciting ways of calling Britney Spears a whore. You may have watched this show and thought to yourself, "I wonder how funny these idiots would be without all the fancy graphics and strategic editing..." Well, now's your chance to find out!
Tomorrow night (Thursday, April 27th), the first evert two performances of "Best Wek Ever Live" will take place at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, right here in New York City. The show will feature Paul Sheer, Jessi Klein, Sherrod Small and myself (you can read all about us here) and I think it's going to be a really great show. There will be stand-up, clips from the show, topical musings and all sorts of other wacky shit. The idea is for us to put this show together and then bring it on the road. So if you can't get to NYC tomorrow night, fear not--hopefully, we'll be bringing it to a club/college/homeless shelter near you sometime soon.
If you ARE in New York, it would be really great if you could come out to see the show. We won't really know what he have until we put it up in front of an audience, so we're hoping for as big a crowd as possible at both of the show. The 8:00pm show is already sold out (I just now found that out), but there are still tickets avaialble for 10:00pm.
You can get all of the pertinent info about this show at the UCB website. But just in case you're link-shy, here it is in plain print:
BEST WEEK EVER LIVE
Thursday, April 27
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th St (just West of 8th avenue)
New York NY 10011
10:00pm
Tickets: $8.00
Reservations: 212.366.9176
That is all.
Hey there, peoples.
As probably anyone who didn't mistakenly find my website whilst Googling "christian+fingering" knows, I appear regularly on the VH1 show "Best Week Ever". This is the television show where, every week, gifted and brilliant people not unlike myself find new and exciting ways of calling Britney Spears a whore. You may have watched this show and thought to yourself, "I wonder how funny these idiots would be without all the fancy graphics and strategic editing..." Well, now's your chance to find out!
Tomorrow night (Thursday, April 27th), the first evert two performances of "Best Wek Ever Live" will take place at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, right here in New York City. The show will feature Paul Sheer, Jessi Klein, Sherrod Small and myself (you can read all about us here) and I think it's going to be a really great show. There will be stand-up, clips from the show, topical musings and all sorts of other wacky shit. The idea is for us to put this show together and then bring it on the road. So if you can't get to NYC tomorrow night, fear not--hopefully, we'll be bringing it to a club/college/homeless shelter near you sometime soon.
If you ARE in New York, it would be really great if you could come out to see the show. We won't really know what he have until we put it up in front of an audience, so we're hoping for as big a crowd as possible at both of the show. The 8:00pm show is already sold out (I just now found that out), but there are still tickets avaialble for 10:00pm.
You can get all of the pertinent info about this show at the UCB website. But just in case you're link-shy, here it is in plain print:
BEST WEEK EVER LIVE
Thursday, April 27
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th St (just West of 8th avenue)
New York NY 10011
10:00pm
Tickets: $8.00
Reservations: 212.366.9176
That is all.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
MORE OF AMERICA'S LEAST POPULAR CITIES
Transgender Bluffs, OK
Melanoma, NM
Unpaid Child Support Falls, OH
Bloody Stool, AK
Tuberculonia, KY
Bagels-in-Conference-Room, NY
Dicksweat, ND
Himmler City, UT
Weaponized Virusville, FL
Bad Touch, IN
Asian Babies For Sale, IL
Kutztown, PA (where Adam Ace happens to be performing tonight. By the way, that dude is going seriously bald. Makes me kind of feel bad for ragging on him. And yet...)
Transgender Bluffs, OK
Melanoma, NM
Unpaid Child Support Falls, OH
Bloody Stool, AK
Tuberculonia, KY
Bagels-in-Conference-Room, NY
Dicksweat, ND
Himmler City, UT
Weaponized Virusville, FL
Bad Touch, IN
Asian Babies For Sale, IL
Kutztown, PA (where Adam Ace happens to be performing tonight. By the way, that dude is going seriously bald. Makes me kind of feel bad for ragging on him. And yet...)
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