TUNE IN TONIGHT!
Christian taped a short set for Last Call with Carson Daly. He graded himself a "B" but you can judge for yourself when it airs tonight, Friday, March 31st. Check your local listings for times and channels. (That last line was for our parents.)

If you missed Christian's "appearance" on Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky, fret not. You can listen to the entire show at lovelinearchive.com. Simply scroll down to March 16th and click on Christian's name.

Reminder
Tune in to kroq.com from 10:00 - 12:00 PST tonight to listen to Christian take calls and give sexual advice with Dr. Drew Pinsky on Loveline.

Check out All Things Me, a newsletter of, by and all about Christian Finnegan. Click here.

ME, DRUNKENLY PONTIFICATING THROUGH YOUR EAR BUDS

I recently sat down with Tim Coyne, a childhood neighbor of mine and now host of the wicked-cool "Hollywood Podcast". We had a long, rather bizarre conversation, fueled in no small part by Jack Daniels and Diet Dr. Pepper. Topics include: my extensive and nonexistent drug history, the difference between a 'wussy' and a 'spaz', my brief career as a heavy metal singer, my awkward teen years, my awkward post-teen years, and the word 'hack', defined. And what interview would be complete without an off-key rendition of the Scorpions' classic, "No One Like You"? To hear our chat in all its rambling glory, as well as lots of other great stuff, go to www.thehollywoodpodcast.com.

Maybe you caught Christian on The Today Show this past Monday chatting with Katie Couric about the Oscars. Maybe you didn't. Either way, I took "behind the scenes" footage and uploaded it to YouTube.com and included the entire clip that aired.

It takes a while to load so click it, hit pause while it downloads and come back to it later.

CREWS CONTROL!

At this time, I would like to call a bit of attention to the recent accomplishments of Ms. Kambri Crews, publicist and girlfriend extraordinaire. Kambri has had an autobiographical essay published on FRESH YARN -- the first Online Salon for Personal Essays. Fresh Yarn numbers among its contributers many of the most respected authors, film and TV writers and performers in the entertainment industry. As you can imagine, this is a pretty sweet gig. But then, if you know anything about Kambri's life story, you know it's definitely the stuff of great storytelling. I won't really spoil it for you, I'll just provide this link to her fantastic essay, "Just Like My Daddy". READ IT, WINNERS!

And along those same lines, Kambri has recently started Love, Daddy, a blog devoted to the funny/strange/sad/mystifying relationship she has with her father, a deaf man currently serving a life sentence at the Texas State Penitentiary for the attempted murder of his third wife. The site is full of interesting anecdotes, great pictures and excerpts from the rather odd jailhouse writings of Mr. Cigo Crews himself. It's truly fascinating stuff--chances are, anything you went through as a child will seem downright mundane by comparison. READ IT (ALSO), WINNERS!

Much obliged. Now back to your regularly scheduled lives.

N-N-N-N-NINETEEN

Friends, family and well-wishers,

I would like to take a moment and offer up my sincere thanks to everyone who took the time to vote for me in Comedy Central's Stand Up Showdown. Thanks to your persistant e-participation, I managed to land at Number 19 on Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". I realize that the results of contests like this depend heavily on how successfuly a comic mobilizes his/her "fanbase" (yes, I just cringed with embarassment while typing that word). So I take this little tidbit of news as evidence not that I am now the world's 19th most brilliant purveyor of yuks, but that there are a number of fantastic people out there who have shown (and continue to show) me a great deal of support.

I thank you unreservedly.

Need proof? Well, lookie here:





See?? I had to look around the apartment for a Sharpie and everything!

Well, that's all for now. Just one quick reminder to join super-wicked-awesome mailing list, if you've not already done so. There's going to be some fun stuff coming up, including free tickets, silly contests and completely inane prizes. In fact, let's kick things off: I will sign something completely random from my home and mail it to you, if you're the first person to know what the subject heading of today's post is referencing (other than the Stand Up Showdown). Click "comment", if you know the answer--but be specific!

p.s. Thanks again!

S.O.S.! HELP! ASSISTANCE!


Dearest friends,

I recently received a tragic piece of news: according to my sources within Hollywood, beloved child actress Dakota Fanning has contracted a rare virus that is causing her freakishly large eyes to grow at such a rate they they threaten to consume her entire skull. Apparently, the only way to save her precious life is to vote for me, Christian Finnegan, in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown. I know it sounds strange, but you don't want that poor girl's blood on your hands, do you? DO YOU??!

Also, I feel compelled to mention that voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (there's that link again) can add 1-3 inches to the length of your penis. You know...if that's your kind of thing.

Not buying it? Okay, how's this: I'm a pathetic weenie, grovelling for your charity. Hell, whatever motivates you to spend a few seconds voting for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (last time, I promise) is a-okay with me. Just follow your heart.

Time is running out, people. Let's all get on the Finny train before I slip out of the Top 25 and I'm forced to have an awkward "What happened?" conversation with my relatives. Just go to Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown (okay, I lied), scroll down towards the bottom until you see my big, dumb face and click "Vote Now". And then, do the same thing tomorrow. Think of it as exercise for your mouse-ing muscles.

Thank you so for your continued support.

Check out the Best Week Ever clip dated Wednesday, January 18th for Christian's last installment of What Your Purchases Say About You. Click here for the video.

Read All Things Me, a promotional newsletter by Christian Finnegan.

To subscribe to All Things Me, submit the completed form below. Subscribers are the first to receive his newsletter which will include chances to win free tickets to upcoming shows and other cool stuff, exclusive interviews, career updates and the like. Subscribe today!

VOTE NOW! CONVINCE COMEDY CENTRAL I'M VALID!

Good day, inhabitants of this magical land known as the Tower of Hubris.

As a result of the large amounts of laundered cash I've been leaving behind a dumpster, or perhaps due to some clerical error, I have been named one of Comedy Central's "Top 25 of 2005". As you can imagine, this is quite an honor.

On January 29th 2006, Comedy Central will be airing half-hour specials by the entire "Top 25", countdown-style, as part of their "Stand Up Show Down". If you would be so kind as to take a moment and vote for little ol' me, I would be eternally grateful. I have no lillusions about beating out all of the other great comics on the list (not to mention a couple of not-so-great ones). But I AM hoping to avoid coming in 25th.

So go to http://www.comedycentral.com/events/SUSD/. Scroll down to the bottom, pick me, then click "Vote Now". Spread the word and vote often! Free turkey sandwich to the person who votes the most often (thereby skewing and invalidating the whole process)!

And remember: Comedy Central will air the stand up comedy specials of all 25 finalists (including mine) on Sunday, January 29th. Check it out, coolies.

Sincerely,
Christian Finnegan,
the captain of your heart

HAPPY NEW YEAR!



The Calendar page is updated which includes mostly college gigs for all you students out there. If you want to book Christian to appear at your school, drop an email and he'll have his people contact your people...or something like that.

Did you know Christian was on MySpace? Yup, he is.

Christian appeared on The Today Show last Friday and Matt Lauer snuck in a couple of zingers of his own regarding Tom Cruise. AOL picked the clip as a Top 5 TV moment from Friday. Poll results show it in the lead as the favorite clip with a whopping 69% of votes.

Watch the video.

MEDIA BLITZ DE LA FINNY (plus one joke)

Howdy, friendlies.

Shall I go into the whole "sorry i haven't posted in a long time" crap again? Nah--I fear the resulting massive eye-rolling that would follow could result in injury.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, this posting comes in four parts, the last of which will be a genuine joke of sorts--maybe not the funniest joke I've ever written, but Im hoping it will take the self-serving edge of this largely promotional missive.

Alright, let's get to it!

1) I will be appearing on the Today Show tomorrow morning (Friday, December 9th), along with my fellow Best Week Ever-ers Chuck Nice and Sherrod Small. I'm not exactly sure where our segment will be slotted, but it usually falls somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30am. Tune in to chek out the flirtaciously awkward dynamic I have with Katie Couric (I've told Katie I have a girlfriend, but the poor girl, but she just can't stop calling me). FYI, Sherrod, Chuck and I will be promoting tomorrow night's debut of the one-hour "Best Year Ever" special on VH1 (check your local listings!).

2) On Tuesday, December 13th I will be taping an episode of Friday Nights with Greg Giraldo. Greg will be interviewing me, showing embarrasing old photos of me and most assuredly insulting me in a variety of ways. You don't want to miss it! If you'd like to be in the studio audience (please please please), e-mail freegreggiraldotix@yahoo.com for FREE TICKETS. Make sure you include your name, age, phone number, what week(s) you would like to attend and how many tickets you'd like.

The studio is located at 222 East 44th between 2nd and 3rd Ave in New York City. Arrival time is between 5:45 and 6:15 pm and the show finishes around 8:15 pm.

3) From Wednesday 12/14 through Saturday 12/17, I will be appearing at the world-famous Laff Stop in Houston, TX. If you live in the Houston area, come on out to a show. It should be a great weekend, considering that the highlight of my offstage time will be a daytrip with Kambri to visit her father, who is a currently a resident of the Huntsville State Penitentiary. Say hello to twenty new minutes of material! Anyway, the Houston Press published an interview with me in today's edition and I must say, it's a pretty good one. READ IT HERE!


4) Okay, here goes:

Here's something that's been bothering me lately: what exactly is the difference between a fact and a factoid? I was watching something on the History Channel about publishing and as they went to commerical, the screen read, "FACTOID: The first crossword puzzle was published in December 1913". Okay, I guess that's what you might call a 'factoid'. but you know what else it is? A fact. So I guess what makes it a factoid is that it's pointless and kind of stupid? I guess that sort of makes sense, as you never hear someone using factoids in life or death situations. you're never going to hear a trial attorney say, "The evidence clearly shows that my client was nowhere near the bowling alley on the night of the triple-murder. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a FACTOID!"

So I guess a factoid is just a fact that makes you say, "Hmm...that's kind of interesting. I wonder what else is on?"

Blog entry complete!

You watch them every Friday night on VH1 and now you can start your Friday morning with them on the Today Show!

Tune in this Friday, December 9th to see Christian Finnegan and two other top Best Week Ever panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture.

HEY, YOU

Gothamist Interviewed Christian. Read the whole thing here.

Also, tonight at tomorrow is Best Week Ever Live at UCB Theater. Here's the plug:
You watch them every Friday on VH1 and now you can watch them LIVE! See Best Week Ever's top panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture. They won't have the crutch of basic cable production values -- it's nothing but raw nerve and sharp wit in this workshop production.

Starring Christian, Doug Benson, Paul Scheer and Danielle Schneider.

November 9th & 10th
UCB Theater
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY
212.366.9176
9:30 PM
Tickets: $8.00 - Buy Online

WHEN IN DOUBT...

...post a picture of yourself kissing a chimp.

FIGHT THE POWER (Or, if not "fight", whine about the power in a standard elitist manner)

So rumors are afoot that our Vice President may step down if he's indicted in this whole CIA leak thingy. I sincerely doubt this is true, but if so, I'm sure it's all just some Machiavellian plan to groom a Republican candidate in 2008 whose name isn't "John McCain". But I do see one indisputable upside for Cheney, if he steps down--he'll finally be able to reveal to the world that he's actually The Penguin from the old "Batman" TV show.'

To be honest, I've always felt a kinship with the Vice President. Have you ever watched Cheney's face while Dubya is giving a speech? He gets this tense, awkward smile on his face--it's a look I think many men recognize. It's the look you get when you're dating a woman whom you get along with well in private, but you're always afraid to bring her to a party because of the stupid shit that might come out of her mouth. You know how it is--the sex is good, she laughs at your jokes, makes you feel cool. But then you introduce her your friends and she starts telling them about how much she loves the novels of Anne Rice. Suddenly that tense Dick Cheney smile sweeps across your face and you're whispering, "Oh my god, you're such an idiot. Please shut the fuck up. Please...please...please..." through your teeth. And then, if you're Dick Cheney, you fly away on an umbrella.

Oh, and for the record, I'm sure that you women have dated guys who have elicited the same feeling of public awkwardness. But I can't really speak to that, as I've never dated a dude (regardless of what you'd think watching me play sports). But as was my original point, I'm sure our glorious president's prom date experienced similar feelings of discomfort and embarrassment.

Bush is a tool, but honestly I think every president is set up to fail. It's the downside of Democracy. Seriously, do you think "Two Party System" is really what The Founders had in mind? In our system, you have half of all elected officials desperately trying to cockblock the other half. Yeah, you can talk about civil service and bipartisanship, but when it gets right down to it, a politician's career is 100% dependent on the guys on the other side of the aisle sucking just a little bit harder than you do.

For example: last week the Iraqi constitution passed, which is a good thing...in theory. Sure, the democrats said all the right things ("This is a great day for Democracy, blah blah blah"), but you know inside they were all screaming "FUCK! Why did it have to go well?! Couldn't there have been a terrorist incident, or something?! You know, no casualties or anything--just enough to fuck shit up a little!" You could see it while they were being interviewed--the Democrats all sounded the way you do when you find out your ex-girlfriend is having sex with someone new. "Oh, the Iraqi constitution passed? I was so busy working on education bill, I didn't even notice! But that's great...you know, about the consitution... About time something went right over there, know what I mean? I mean, the whole situation is a clusterfuck and it will probably explode into violence at any moment. But you know. . .good for them. No, seriously. I wish them the best. Oh, and our economy still sucks, by the way--just in case anyone forgot."

It's not that Democrats want the the new Iraqi government to fail outright; they just want the situation to stay unstable until they can get one of their guys (or Hillary) into the White House, at which point they will magically begin describing The New Iraq as a land of dewdrops and candy canes. Republicans are no different, of course. Remember all of the "shame and disappointment" Republicans claimed with regard to Clinton's poontang-ery? Horseshit. Hell, they could barely contain themselves, their joy was so palpable. If there had been a camera trained on Trent Lott's face when he heard about the infanmous jizz-stained dress, we'd have seen the reaction not of a man horrified by presidential abuse of power, but that of a gleeful child on Christmas morning. "A jizz-stained dress?! For me?!!! It's so...beautiful!! THANK YOU, SANTY CLAUS!!!"

But I suppose we get the government we deserve. I truly believe that Democracy is the best way to go, but let's be hones--it ain't perfect. Am I the only person who finds it odd that the leader-of-the-free-fucking-world is chosen, in part, by the same people who made Steven Segal a millionaire? You're telling me I get the exact same say in who controls our military as the chick who spent three hours on the phone trying to get Bo Bice into the semifinals? This is serious stuff her--we have soldiers dying in Fallujah because millions of Americans decided they wanted a president who could "Git 'R Done". We have to put some controls in place here. After all, convicted felons aren't allowed to vote, so it's not like we're above deciding who's "worthy" of participating in the electoral process. I think it's high time we made a few other tweaks in the equation. For instance, if you own an Ashlee Simpson CD, you should not be allowed to vote. Or if you currently have a subscription to InStyle Magazine. Or if in the past four years you've paid to see a movie featuring more than one Wayans brother--I'm sorry, but you cannot be counted on for sound judgment. Here are a few other automatic electoral DQ's:

* If you have, in the last twelve calendar months, burped and blown it into someone's face

* If you are a college graduate yet still regularly use 'emoticons'.

* If that "Proud to Be an American" song has ever left you misty-eyed

* If you watched the "Biker Boyz" DVD extras

* If you have ever simultaneously worn denim jeans, a denim jacket and (most importantly) a denim shirt

Call your local representatives, people--let's make this happen!


P.S. This kind of shit is what made that Marine want to kick my ass. (see below).

BAD 'BAMA JAMMA

I'm currently in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm performing all weekend at a rather beautiful comedy club known as the "Stardome". The weather has been nice, the other comics on the bill are funny and cool, and all of the staff has been friendly and helpful. Why, you could almost say it's been the perfect comedy weekend!

Oh, did I mention during Friday night's show, eight staff members had to physically drag a drunk Marine out of the showroom before he could climb onto the stage and kick my ass? No? I didn't mention that? Oh, we all that happened, too.

I can't tell you how surreal the whole thing was. I was about fifteen minutes into my set when a guy stood up and yelled something toward/at me. I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, so I said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sir, but I forgot to bring my Drunk-to-English dictionary with me". People laughed, and the guy got really furious. He started yelling "I'M A MARINE! I'M A MARINE!" This was not a shock to me, as I'd heard someone yell this during the emcee's set, albeit in a far more affable tone. I apologized for making fun of his non-sobriety and invited the audience to give him a round of applause in appreciation of his military service. This choice was inspired both my genuine admiration for our men and women in uniform and by my sincere desire to not get my ass kicked.

Okay, more the latter than the former, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm honestly assuming this was going to be the end of it. But then he begins to approach the stage, inspiring members of the staff to sweep in from various corners of the room. The Marine is now screaming, "I'VE SPENT TWO YEARS IN IRAQ! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!" I suppose the subtext here is, "I fought for your freedom of speech, so now I'm going to kick your ass for speaking freely."

At this point, things get physical. The guy has grabbed on to a railing, as staff members try to drag the guy towards the door. They had help from the dude's two Marine buddies, who for the record seemed genuinely embarrassed by their friend's behavior. At this point, I had to start cracking jokes, because the audience was just sitting there, dumbfounded. The more jokes I would make, the more insanely determined this guy was to pummel the living shit out of me. I cannot stress this enough--this man absolutely would have put me in the hospital. The whole ordeal lasted a solid 5-7 minutes, which felt like a fucking eternity. As he was being "ushered" out, he kept yelling, "I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE!!!" Once things calmed down, I got a good amount of laughs talking about the ordeal, and I think everyone was relieved when I got back to doing my prepared material. Still, the event had a rather chilling effect on the set as a whole (go figure!). By the end of my set, people were ready to go home--if for no other reason than so they could get to the business of telling people about how they almost saw a stand up comedian get murdered onstage.

I should mention that the staff were prepared for this guy to be a problem from the get-go. He'd shown up drunk and by the time I took the stage, had been "cut off" by the manager, which is usually when the problems start. And the manager told me when they dragged the guy out to his car, there were two empty bottles of vodka on the floor! Yee-haw! But I have to assume there was something about me specifically that set him off.

Now this is the part where I'd like to make it sound like that this guy hated me because my material was so cutting edge--that I was so unrelenting in my critique of our government and culture that it made this grunt's head explode. A lot of New York liberal elitists would take a potentially violent attack by an Alabama redneck as a sign of indie cred. But the truth is, I had kind of de-balled my set in anticipation of playing to Birmingham crowds. I had smoothed all the rough edges, removed just about anything I thought might be a bit too "problematic" for conservative Bush-loving Alabamans--to the extent that I didn't feel 100% excited about the set I'd put together. But I'm trying to establish myself as a headliner, and The Stardome is very well-regarded club, blah blah blah blah blah....

I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, I really want to be the kind of comic who can entertain any crowd--I really get frustrated with many of my NYC comic peers who can make a bunch of 20-something hipsters laugh, but feel "above" trying to reach the other 96% of the country. You can have mass appeal without being a total hack--Chris Rock manages it. So does Dave Chappelle. And Ellen DeGeneres. But then on the other hand, when playing a city like Birmingham, I feel like I'm forced to play with half a deck. It's not just political material you have to avoid, it's also anything even remotely of-the-moment, culturally. Tonight I asked how many people in the audience owned an iPod. You would have thought I'd presided over a lesbian wedding while simultaneously performing a third-trimester abortion on stage. I don't yet have the career currency to do exactly the set I want to do without consideration of where I'm performing, who I'm performing for, etc.--you can't really get away with that until audiences are coming out to see you, specifically. Remember, George Carlin and Richard Pryor didn't reinvent the wheel until after they'd already become pretty famous using...well, the regular wheel.

Of course, I'm sure that's what lots of hacks tell themselves.

The point is, I was hardly going out of my way to provoke the Birmingham crowd. Still, I guess there must have been something I said to inspire Semper Fi's rage. The disruption started when I was tackling an extremely controversial subject: the board game Monopoly. But I imagine his anger probably started about five minutes earlier when I did a very short, very tame bit about America being like a high school bully. I opted not to point out to the crowd that this guy, someone charged with representing our nation to the citizens of the world, wanted to combat my "bully" premise b y beating the shit out of me. But honestly, I don't think that one thirty-second bit was enough to set him off. No, I think there was just something about me, the way I choose to form sentences that made him say, "Hey, this guy's not one of us". I think I must give off a pungent "Yankee Faggot" scent.

So there you have it--one of the stranger gigs I've had in...well, weeks. Ahhhhh, comedy!

ILL HUMORED

Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.

People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.