Friday, March 29, 2002

Are you a radio listener? Ever heard one of those "hilarious" morning show prank calls? Well, guess what? They're all complete BS. Seriously, I'm not joking here. I've been making some extra cash this past week by calling into radio stations and playing the butt of said pranks. In the past week, I have played:

* A terminated Jiffy Lube employee
* A newspaper telemarketer maligned for sounding like a "gay guy"
* The owner of a gas station being shut down by the EPA
* A guy calling in to tell his ex why he dumped her
* A guilt-ridden office drone who got his pregnant co-worker fired
* A hip hop fan genuinely wanting to know the latest news on the Britney and Justin break-up (I actually had to utter the words "Yo yo, whassup!" for this one, at which point I immediately went and took a shower. Unfortunately, the stink of Shame still lingers.)

So the next time you hear an awkward radio prank call and think "Man, this is lame", remember: it's not only lame, it's completely fraudulent!

Just a little public service announcement, there. Enjoy your evening.
I'm not happy at all with the pair of shoes I recently purchased. I know all the cool kids where Doc Martins, but those damn things run upwards of $100. I decided, instead, to go with the less expensive Don Martins.

Turns out they're way too long, fold forward when I walk, and make strange sounds, such as "Boing! Boing! Boing!" and "FIZZZZZOOUUNNT!" I tell you, if I fall into one more open manhole...

By the way, if you get this joke you're officially a dork.
Number of times I've heard my upstairs neighbor having sex: 5
Number of times she and I have actually said hello to each other in the building foyer: 2

That, my friends, is NYC apartment life in a nutshell.

Thursday, March 28, 2002

FDR: Our nation's laziest president.
You can always pick out a European at a bar because he's the one dressed like a soccer goalie.
I was re-reading Genesis today--as I'm sure you know, Wednesday is my Bible day. Here's the thing: Cain gets a really bad rap for that whole "murder" thing. What they DON'T tell you is that Abel was a total dick.

Seriously, F that dude.

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

(Yeah, the Russian boxer dude from Rocky IV.)
As I approach my 29th birthday, I have learned one thing: if you get a haircut from an Eastern European woman, she will do her best to make you look like Ivan Drago.

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Try using the word "merriment" in everyday conversation without getting a werid look from people. You can't do it, can you? No, I didn't think you could.
I read an article recently about how realtors in NYc have begun making up new neighborhood names to make an area seem up-and-coming. For example, the area historically known as Hell's Kitchen is now referred to in the real estate trade as "Clinton". I think is a nipper keen idea, so I submit to you all (hah!) a short list of new neighborhood nickname possibilities:

West 34th to 42nd st. = Hell's Foyer
Park Slope = Fannypack Heights
Williamsburg = Trend Valley
Long Island City = Strippertown
Lower East Side = Pretensia
Chelsea = Official Sex and the City Fan Club
Washington Heights = Yonkers
WICCA: Dungeons and Dragons for chicks.
Okay, it's from this point forward that I start posting random, possibly stupid things that may one day be whittled into jokes. Let the hilarity begin.

Saturday, March 23, 2002

Yes, I realize I'm talking to myself.
Further testing...
Wanna make out?
Don't mind me. I'm just trying to get this thing up and running, doing a couple of tests. Hmm... Poopie. Dude, check it out--I just said 'poopie'. this is going to be the best Blog ever!