Sunday, February 29, 2004


Okay, time for me to put on my media pundit hat and lay out my picks for tonight's 76th Academy Awards. As is customary, I will predict who will win and also who should win. Enjoy!

Will win: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Should win: Ron Howard's true life story of personal triumph, The Incredibly Lovable Retarded Guy

Will win: Sean Penn, Mystic River
Should win: Topher Grace, for his heartwrenching portrayal of actor Anson Williams in Call Me Potsy

Will win: Charlize Theron, Monster
Should win: Dame Judi Dench, for her racy turn in the wacky farce, Beaver Patrol

Will win: Peter Jackson, LOTR: Return of the King
Should win: Lasse Hallstrom, for the bittersweet coming-of-age drama, Gassy Joe and the Dutch Oven Boys

Will Win: Tim Robbins, Mystic River
Should win: Randall "Macho Man" Savage, Mona Lisa Smile

Will win: Shohreh Aghdashloo, House of Sand and Fog
Should Win: Maya Angelou, Torque

Will win: Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation
Should win: Joe Ezterhas, The Enigmatic Lesbian Murderess Who Occasionally Fucks Dudes

Will win: Brian Helgeland, Mystic River
Should win: Steven Zallian, Pete Eldridge Sux Cock: Tales from the Men's Room Wall

Saturday, February 28, 2004


Now, I haven't seen The Passion of the Christ yet, and I'm not going to come out and call Mel Gibson an anti-Semite (although it should be noted that, when directing a film, Mel is fond of hanging a sign above the set that reads, "WORK WILL MAKE YOU FREE"), but one thing is certain: Mel's dad is all kinds of crazy. Enjoy this interview with Hutton Gibson, a man of many interesting opinions.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004



Race War

Let's Make an Awkward Conversation

Put Your Mouth On It!

Donor List

Who Wants to Work in a South African Diamond Mine?

Fuck This!

Drunken Sex with a Co-Worker Connection

Drug Mule

Wheel of Gonnorhea

The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme

Stop Me Before I Kill Again!

Drop Trou

Where in the World is the Father of my Children?

Monday, February 23, 2004


Hey, if you're in NYC looking for something to do tonight, get your ass(es) to a benefit I'm hosting for the "Leukemia and Lymphoma Society". I'll be there doing my wacky yuk-yuk thing, and my dear friend and, songstress Katherine Blodget, will be rocking the house (in a poignant Joni Mitchell/Aimiee Mann kind of way).

Show up, peoples. Failure to appear will confirm that you are pro-Leukemia.

Here are the details, muthafuckas:

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Benefit
Rocky O'Sullivans
129 Lexington Ave
(b. 28th and 29th St.)
with singer-songwriter Katherine Blodget
and live music from SPaNK
Doors open at 7:00pm, show at 8:00pm
$10 tax deductible donation collected at door

Sunday, February 22, 2004


Well, tonight marks the final episode of "Sex and the City", an event that in future years will be known as "The Day America Butched Up". Now, I'm not going to spend too much time analyzing SATC (Yes, I just used the abbreviation), but I will predict one thing about the finale: it will include the now rote "Sex and the City Idiomatic Voiceover Switcheroo".

What is the SATCIVS, you ask? That's where Sarah Jessica Parker sums up the theme of an episode with some self-consciously "witty" syntactical flourish, along the lines of, "If life really is a box of chocolates, what are you supposed to do with all the wrappers?" or "Sometimes, love at first sight requires a second opinion" or "The problem with giving someone space is, if you're not careful, you'll end up in separate galaxies". The SATCIVS is kind of like intellectual cotton candy--it seems like it has substance at first, but upon any sort of rational analysis, it disintegrates into nothingness.

That said, they're really easy and fun to construct. You can really do it with anything. Here are a few SATCIVSs, inspired by the random objects that surround me here in my living room:

* "If love really is a coffee table, it's important that you always remember to use coasters."

* "After months of nights & weekends, Aiden and I were finally ready for some serious anytime minutes."

* "Maybe, after trying for so long to cash in, we've forgotten how to fill out a deposit slip."

* "Charlotte's harddrive was up and running, but Miranda still needed to re-boot."

* "Sometimes you spend your whole life looking for a bottle opener, only to find that love is a twist-off."

* "Life is like a bottle of penis enlargement pills. You need mean...wait..."

Never mind that last one.

Thursday, February 19, 2004


I don't know what to tell you, folks--I'm as busy as a motherfucker this week. And yes, in case you're wondering, those who choose to engage in sexual intercourse with their mothers tend to have rather hectic schedules.

Anyway, I plan to write something worth posting later today. But in the meantime, why not take a cue from Madonna and read up on the Kabbalah.

A few things that crossed my mind while looking at that site:

* As far as mystical religions go, the Kabbalah has a bit too much math for my taste. Sacred Geometry? Golden Ratio? Fusion Anomaly? Um, no thanks, Poindexter! I mean, when I get together with my dawgs for some mystical contemplation of the divine throne, I don't want to have to whip out my pocket calculator.

* It's kind of hard to take a religion seriously, when it compares human existence to every kid born in the 1970s' favorite toy, the Slinky. Although I suppose it's preferable to the other esoteric cult I was thinking of joining, which is centered around the idea that heaven is very similar to Hungry Hungry Hippos.

* Is it just me, or does the Kabbalah "Tree of Life" dude come off just a teensy bit gay? I don't know if it's the Fabio-as-Viking hairdo or the hot pink codpiece, but this guy definitely experiments with the ol' Pillar of Severity, if you know what I mean.

* I mean he likes cock. (In his butt.)

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Yes, it still lives. Presenting:


THE COOK, THE THIEF, HIS WIFE, AND HER LOVER -- I used to get lots of ass by making college girls feel like they were brilliant.

AMADEUS -- Culture is very important to me, and I have the "Classical Music's Greatest Hits" box set to prove it.

FIGHT CLUB -- It's been over fifteen years, and I still haven't gotten over those atomic wedgies.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS -- I have a very misguided notion of what it means to be a feminist.

ALMOST FAMOUS -- At least once a week, I wax nostalgic about my participation in the 1987 "Battle of the Bands".

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION, Part II: The Metal Years -- At least twice a week, I shudder in embarrassment over my participation in the 1987 "Battle of the Bands".

LETHAL WEAPON -- When drunk, my 'buds' and I engage in a lot of punching and hugging.

DEAD MAN WALKING -- Margaret Cho is so empowering!

BLADE II -- What? You don't know who Alan Moore is?!! Um, ever heard of a little graphic novel called "The Watchmen"?! Jesus, I'm surrounded by idiots!

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS -- I prefer chuckling to laughing.

DO THE RIGHT THING -- I was into Black culture way before all this Eminem shit.

THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE -- If you're not in "the industry", chances are we won't have much to talk about. And if you don't know which industry I'm talking about, don't even bother introducing yourself.

THE PIANO -- I used to sleep with any guy who made me feel like I was brilliant.

SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS -- I don't view the world in terms of Good and Evil. I view it in terms of "delightful" and "dreadful".

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE -- It'll be less awkward for both of us if I act as if I'm intentionally creeping you out.

LA FEMME NIKITA -- I dig foreign films, so long as they're know, foreign.

TITANIC -- Every flat surface in my home is littered with stuffed animals and ballerina figurines.

WAITING FOR GUFFMAN -- Yes, I grew up in the suburbs. But it's very important that you know how out of place I felt there.

PRINCESS MONONOKE -- I once sprained my own penis.

I'M THE ONE THAT I WANT -- Have you seen Dead Man Walking? Well, you really need to.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004


Every once in a while, I have the urge to post something, but have nothing interesting to say, or no real time to spend working on it. It's at times like this that a well chosen image can go a long way toward making people feel like they're actually being entertained. For instance...
(scroll down, please).

Whoa, check it out! It's Bo and Luke Duke, stone cold chillin' atop the General Lee! That's sort of entertaining, right?

No? well, how about this?

That there's a promotional photo of marginal late '80s metal band Blue Murder. You know, they did "Valley of the Kings"? Nothing? No entertainment value whatsoever?

Look folks, I really need to get to bed. So do me a favor and let's just pretend that I posted something mindblowing today. That okay with you?


Okay, one more:


Remember, folks: When in doubt, always go Gest.

Monday, February 09, 2004


I'm so thrilled, I can barely type. Yesterday, I received my first piece of bonafide anonymous hate Email. Oh sure, I get lots of snarky remarks in my comments box here at TOH, but this is the first time anyone has ever taken the time and effort to really spew genuine hatred at me. I take this as a good sign.

For your enjoyment, here is the complete text of the Email, the subject heading of which was a very benign "hello":

I have seen you around the television and your comedy sucks. You make ZERO witticisms on "The Best Week Ever", no matter how hard you try (believe me, it shows that you are trying). On "Chapelle's Show", the only reason that sketch could have been misconstrued as humorous is because it falls into they typical genre of, "this is how geeky white people are." I hope you are proud of perpetuating that stereotype for the sake of cheap laughs. Your career will be over soon, but the effects of the kind of comedy you stoop down to will linger long after you. You are just plain unfunny, and I follw comedy closely. I am a staple performer at no less than five Los Angeles comedy clubs. You are a dime a dozen. I am ashamed to be a comedian because of the people like you who are OBVIOUSLY eager to profit from this business and give nothing back. For shame, you are a very bad comedian. You should sesriously reconsider your line of work.

Pretty sweet, eh? Now, I would never dare malign a "staple performer" for his poor spelling and grammar, but I do take offense to his claim that I give nothing back. This philistine is obviously unaware of my work with with Finny's Friends (see below). Anyway, here's the Email I just sent to him, in response:

Dear a365,

Thank you for writing to! Here at the website, we do our best to respond to Christian's fans in as timely a fashion as possible. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, due to the sheer volume of electronic mail we receive on a weekly basis--over 2,000 a week, from avid fans such as yourself! In the meantime, here are answers to a few frequently asked questions regarding the family friendly comedy dynamo known as Christian Finnegan:

* Christian's favorite color is forest green.

* Christian's favorite food is raspberry sherbet. (Weird, huh??!!!)

* Negotiations for Christian to play the Cowardly Lion in Russell Simmons' hip-hop update of The Wiz are still ongoing. When we hear more, we will pass it along to you guys!!!

* Christian would like to put to rest that Eliza Dushku rumor, which we won't dignify by rehashing in this forum. Christian and Eliza are good friends, but they are merely that: friends. Hear that, guys? FRIENDS!!!!!! Some people need to grow up (you know who you are).

* We apologize if you have recently ordered merchandise and have yet to receive it. Following the busy holiday season, we've had to re-stock on Christian Finnegan coffee mugs, mousepads, baby clothes and novelty sex toys. Our marketing department is working on the problem and items will be shipped within the next 7-10 business days. Thank you for your patience.

* If you are interested in making a contribution to Finny's Friends, please email your contact info and the level of your donation to Remember Christian's motto: Take it from a comedian, spinal menengitis is no joke!

If you have questions for Christian that have not been addressed in this Email, feel free to click here to instant message one of our representatives in real time. Thank you so much for your interest in Christian Finnegan, and we'll see you out at the comedy shows!


Daisy Buchanan,


I hope he writes me back!!!

(I think I'm in love)

Saturday, February 07, 2004


Pardon me while I get political on your asses.

From what I see on the tee-vee, it looks like John Kerry is going to take Michigan and Washington in a waltz, making him pretty much a lock for the Democratic nomination. So if you've been pulling for someone other than Kerry, it's just about time for you to start making a few hard decisions. In fact, it may be time for some voters to have "the talk", if you know what I mean. But these things are never easy, so if your looking for the right way to break it to your candidate, here are a few approaches:

If you're breaking up with Howard Dean:
Howard, we need to talk. Look, I'm not really sure this is going anywhere. Now, I know you think this is about John Kerry, but come on, Howard, we've been having problems ever since Iowa. Your temper scares me, and now I get the sense that you're not even committed to making this work. I know you're having money problems, but maybe we should just take that as a sign that we're just not meant to be. Please, stop emailing me.

If you're breaking up with John Edwards:
John, you’re a wonderful guy. And someday, you're going to make some lucky voters very happy. The past few weeks have meant so much to me. I was in a very negative place when we met, and you gave me my smile back. But now, I think it's time for you to go back to your life and me to go back to mine. We're just at different places in life, you know? You're just starting out, and John Kerry and me? Well, we have history together. That means something to me, and you have to respect that. Here's your letterman jacket back.

If you're breaking up with Dennis Kucinich:
Look, I can't do this anymore. This...thing we're doing. I'm not like you. I'm a normal guy and I'm into normal things. And yes, I guess I was curious. But I'm sick of carrying around this secret shame. I know I may never be truly happy with John Kerry, but...well, at least I won't have to keep lying to my family. Please, Dennis, don't cry. No, I can't. No, Dennis. Because I just can't, that's why. No...Dennis... I SAID GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DISGUSTING FREAK!

Thursday, February 05, 2004


* When celebrities get plastic surgery, do they think no one will notice? Especially when the person is a freakin' "super" model (let's not get me started on that term), someone who by definition makes a living off of being recognizable. For a glimpse of what I mean, get a load of Cindy Crawford from Page 2 of today's NY Post. I'm surprised she's not wearing a purple suit and trying to kill Batman.

* Our popular culture cannibalizes itself so vigorously, it's gotten to the point where I become sick of things that happen in the media before they're even done happening. For instance, the Janet Jackson tit flap (pun intended). Immediately after processing what I'd just seen on TV, I thought to myself, "Well, I guess I'll be seeing that footage about 5,000 times over the course of the next month. (...sigh) ...Next?" You see, I'm like a pop culture CassandraI, doomed to know what jokes are destined to be hack, yet powerless to do anything about it. My mind fast-forwards past the three or four genuinely funny lines I might hear in the first couple of days after the Superbowl. Past the snoozeworthy crap that Jay Leno's staff will feed off of for the next few weeks. Past the desperate and pathetic attempts to reference Janet Jackson made by office managers and local news weathermen. I go right to thinking about the inifinte number of soul-crushing "jokes" I'm going to hear coming out of the mouths of bad comics for the next five to ten years. If you've never been forced to sit in a low-rent comedy shithole above a Mexican restaurant in Bucks County, PA watching an aging road hack slog through Monica Lewinsky jokes simply because he's your ride home, you probably don't fully understand the depths of my ennui. And the "legitimate" news coverage of the Jackson thing is even more ridiculous. I've been watching a lot of CNN lately, and they pour over the footage like it's the fucking Zapruder Film ("If you watch, Janet's funbag goes back and to the left...back and to the left...back and to the left..."). The only positive thing about this whole Superbowl ordeal? It's very nicely curtailed the number of Howard Dean shrieking jokes.

* I've always found it funny that jeans are considered color-neutral. Because they're not. They're blue. When you slip on a pair of jeans, you are making a conscious decision to wear blue pants. Unless you're playing Nathan Detroit in a production of "Guys and Dolls", it would probably never occur to you to strut around in a pair of royal blue dress slacks. You'd feel ridiculous. And yet, if the pants in question happen to be made of denim, it's perfectly innocuous? Sorry, Charlie--you're wearing bright blue pants. Accept it.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004


Let's all avoid making Janet Jackson's boobie jokes for a moment, in order to remind ourselves of what life is really about.

Sunday, February 01, 2004


Dr. Ungrammatical

Lady Cocktease

The Green Groper

Solomon Gunty

Deaf Guy

Lord Irony, Earth's Most "Evil" Man

Titty Twister

The Stairmaster

Mr. Laugh-at-his-own-sinister-jokes

Methania, Mistress of the Dutch Oven

The Drunkdialer