Saturday, July 24, 2004



While one Mr. F. Christian Finnegan gets drunk with Charlie Murphy in North Carolina, I, Kambri Crews, devoted webmaster, girlfriend, over-user of commas and dashes, sit here toiling away in promotion of Mr. Finnegan without the perks of health benefits, a retirement plan or, hell, even a promise that said Mssrs. Finnegan & Murphy will not attempt a friendly re-enactment of their anal rape scene from the "Mad Real World" sketch as seen on the special features section of Chappelle's Show Season 1 DVD as a way of bonding through nostalgia.

Since there are no guarantees in life, promote away I will:

Get your tickets to see Christian tape his 1/2 hour special for Comedy Central Presents.

The Hudson Theater
145 West 44th Street
New York, NY, 10036

Now scheduled for 6:00 PM

Click here for FREE tickets!

Incidentally, for those extra special Christian Finnegan fans looking for new masturbatory fodder*, I've updated the Photos page.

*Pipe down, Grandma, your limited edition nude-y pic is en route.  Happy early Grandparents' Day! 

-- Kambri
Quantities are limited. Act now while supplies last. Not responsible for anything whatsoever.

Friday, July 23, 2004


I'm going to go ahead and apologize for this now. Sorry.

So I've been doing a lot of stage time lately, preparing for this half-hour thingy on August 6th. And to be honest, it hasn't really been a whole lot of fun. I'm 100% in practice mode--spitting out (mostly) the same material every time, trying to iron out the kinks, timing everything out, etc. So a lot of my sets lately have been kind of workmanlike. I'm not worried about it affecting the taping--in fact, I know that when I'm standing there trying to process how surreal the environment is, I'll be glad I spent so much time banging this shit into my subconscious. But in the meantime, it's a bit of a drag. So yesterday afternoon I was trying to figure out how I be a bit more "in the moment" while I rehearse this stuff.

Cut to last night. I had a hour or two to kill between getting off of work and my gig at Stand Up NY, so I went to a restaurant and had a pleasant dinner and tried to plow through 15 pages of a book. Walking over to the club afterwards, I knew something was amiss--it seems my chicken penne with plum tomatoes, basil and fresh mozzarella was feeling rowdy. As I stood out at the bar waiting for my spot, I knew I was in trouble. And I'm not talking "Gee, I need to spend a little quality time in the mens room" trouble. I'm talking "feces may very well explode out of my ass at any moment, and I will be absolutely powerless to stop it" trouble. Standing in the corner of club, waiting to be called to the stage, I was in full-on panic mode. Sweat was pouring down my forehead and I was nervously shifting my weight back and forth. Various scenarios went through my head, all of them rather horrible. Was I to be known among my peers as "that jackass who once shit his pants onstage"? Right before I walked up the stage, the manager leaned in and told me one another comic had to cancel, so I was welcome to add an additional five minutes to my set. Ugh. Sweet Jesus.

Here's the kicker: I had my best set in weeks. Months, maybe. Everything felt fresh again, as if what I was saying had a sense of...well, urgency. I feel like I've stumbled upon an important discovery. Henceforth, I will eat a piece of week-old fish that has been left out in the hot sun prior to every important stand up gig. I'll let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


So last week I read Jay Mohr's book, Gasping for Airtime, which is his account of the two years he spent languishing as a "featured player" on Saturday Night Live. Despite the fact that Last Comic Standing has left me thinking that Jay Mohr is something of a douchebag, I found the book pretty interesting. I've always been fascinated with SNL, even in the years before I ever considered going into comedy as a career--there is no book, film, or even album that has had such a massive influence on me. And likewise, nothing has consistently so filled me with rage. But even in those years that the show has royally sucked (and there have been many), I've found myself captivated. A friend of mine compares SNL to an abusive husband who is constantly beating you, but you keep coming back, thinking he's going to change.

Anyway, reading Mohr's book has definitely rekindled my childhood dreams of being an SNL cast member. But that's not really the trajectory my little "career" is taking. I used to be in a sketch comedy group, but for the past five or so years, I've been pretty much solely devoted to stand up. And I think history has proven that stand up comics just don't do so well on SNL. Plus, I'm probably a bit too old. Still, I can dream. It's about having characters, man. So in that spirit, I'm contemplating spending the months following this Comedy Central thingy working on a few bonafide wacky sketch characters. You can add this to the list of things I plan on doing after August 6th, but will probably never really devote myself to fully (along with writing a screenplay, working on a spec script, doing a "What Your Favorite Album Says About You" book, getting in shape, ironing out my various personality quirks with a therapist and cleaning my bathroom.)

So I was doing some thinking yesterday and it occurred to me that I already do have a few probably-crappy characters rattling around in my brain (and in the TOH archives), such as:

* Chet Van Orr, 80's movie asshole-for-hire

* Pryce Martinez, investigative reporter for the Channel Six action squad "You Should Be Ashamed" report

* Pavel Pedrovsky, the "bad boy" of Ukrainian figure skating

* Dr. Cockblock, the evil genius who maliciously stops superheroes from getting laid (and there is also his counterpart, Captain Tries-Too-Hard, the superhero who ruins evil get-togethers with his desperate and annoying personality)

And then I spent a few minutes this morning comoing up with a few more. And no, these aren't completely serious. But they're not completely unserious, either. Anyway, here's what I've come up with this morning:

* Larry Caffee, the guy who inexplicably thinks everyone from Michigan is a homo

* Frrrrrrp, the space alien who desperately wants to establish friendly ties with the people of Earth, but whose language unfortunately sounds exactly like a series of wet farts.

* Sister Ann "Beermeister" Kelly, the nun who acts like a frat boy

* Dr. Todd Berger, indie hipster physician

* Sgt. Ron Roxley, Soldier of Wheel of Fortune

* Andrew, the stroke victim who everyone thinks is drunk

* Hugz, the learning disabled rapper

* El Strongo, Mexican Arm Wrestling Champion (Phantom Limb Division)

Yes, I know: I am a genius. True, some of these need a bit of fleshing out. But then again, looking at SNL over the past few years, maybe not.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


Okay, so I'm a dick. What can I say? Like Tony Blair, I take full responsibility for this travesty. I've been going a little nutsy for the past month or two, and I guess it finally caught up to me in the form of my shameful re-posting of a link. I am a penis.

So what have I been so busy with? I suppose it's about time I should just be out with it. I am going to be taping an episode of Comedy Central Presents on Friday, August 6th. For those of you unfamiliar with this program, it's a stand up comedy showcase where one comic does a full half hour in front of a few hundred people at the very beautiful Hudson Theater here in New York.

In terms of stand-up, this is far and away the biggest thing that's ever happened for me. It goes beyond mere exposure and airtime (although that's pretty damned sweet, too). Doing your own half hour special is a massive rite of passage in the comedy world, and I feel pretty overwhelmed at the opportunity. So as you can imagine, this half-hour thingy has been pretty much dominating my life for the past month or two--I think about it morning, noon and night. I've been doing long sets on the road for the past couple of years, so doing 28 minutes (it eventually gets edited down to 22) is not really so intimidating in and of itself. The question has been, exactly which 28 minutes will I be doing. The kind of set I would do for a crowd of thirtysomething couples in Doylestown, PA who don't know me from Adam is somewhat different than the set I would do for a bunch of media-saturated "hipsters" on the Lower East Side. Each type of set has its positives and negatives and each represents at least part of what I think I'm "about", as a comic. But marrying the two sensibilities has been a challenging (and ongoing!) process. So one of the reasons I haven't been writing a whole lot lately is that I'm not really in that mode these days--I'm editing, rearranging, pruning. And performing--a lot. Any new shit I do come up with these days is being funnelled into Tough Crowd, where I am employed dring the day, and Best Week Ever, where I come up with new and exciting ways to call Britney Spears a whore.

So that's the long and short of it. Like I said, the taping takes place on Friday, August 6th at around 8:30-ish. There will be two half hour shows taped at once, mine and that of the very funny Godfrey, who you might recognize as the current spokesdude for 7-Up. If you live in or around NYC and think you might like to see the taping, that is definitely do-able. The tickets are free and relatively plentiful, but they do require putting yourself on some sort of list. As we get closer to the actual date of the show, I will post exactly what one needs to do to reserve a seat.

Thanks for your ongoing support and readership. After August 6th, I will never again be so scatterbrained as to post the same link twice. Well, maybe I shouldn't make any promises...

I'll write something a little later in the day, but in the meantime, you really need to check this shit out. I think My favorite is the Orson Welles thing, althought they're all pretty great.

Like I said, i'll write something later. Seriously.

Monday, July 12, 2004


Hey there, you! Welcome to Monday! This is your week--I can feel it! This is the week you finally stand up to your boss! This is the week you patch things up with Mom! This is the week you'll get the attention from that boy or girl you've been furtively masturbating to for the past four months! This is the week you figure out how to siphon electricity for your squat! This is the week you learn conversational Portugese! This is the week you get the Big Country cover band back together! This is the week you punch a homeless guy in the face! This is the week you stop talking shit about Santa Claus! This is the week you drive for three hours, pull off the highway onto a deserted road, pull up behind an abandoned grain silo and dump the "package"! This is the week you get to work on that ransom note you've been kicking around! This is the week those balls finally drop! This is the week that celebrity you hate overdoses on drugs and dies alone in a motel room! This is the week your My Little Pony collection sells on eBay! This is the week the sky turns back, the rivers run red with blood and the Dark Lord Satan calls in your marker! THIS IS YOUR WEEK!

Now get out there and win!

Friday, July 09, 2004


A few random thoughts/tidbits:

* Wednesday night, I stayed out drinking until 6am Thursday morning. This will never, ever, ever happen again. I am old. I am frail. I spent the entirety of Thursday sweating and shitting (sometimes simultaneously). This visual brought to you by the good people at Makers Mark.

* A couple of days ago, I nearly got into a fistfight on my subway platform. Some seemingly insane dude got right up in my face, to the point where his nose was pressed up against mine. Then, as he backed away, he took an open-handed swing at my face. At first, I had no idea how to react--it was completely out of the blue, and it took my a moment to know he wasn't joking around. When I finally came to my senses, my only thought was, "YES! I'm finally going to get into the fistfight I've been fantasizing about for the pas fifteen years! I, Christian Finnegan, shall punch! And be punched!" I'm not kidding about this--I am desperate to fight someone, anyone. So why didn't I actually "mix it up" with this dude? Because I was on my way to get my new headshots taken. That may be the lamest reason ever to not fight someone. Somewhere, the ghost of Ernest Hemingway was caling me a queer.

* I've heard of capital trials where a murderer is found not guilty by reason of insanity, after it's revealed that he has Multiple Personality Disorder. Well, what if you have multiple personalities, but it just so happens that each and every one of those personalities is a murderer? Can you still use that defense? Because even thought you're insane, you're still 100% murderer. Just a thought.

* I'm doing a great show on Wednesday called "Stand Up Smackdown" (you can find info about it on my calendar, or here), where comics go head-to-head in a vicious battle of wit and/or buffoonery. I will be taking on Chuck Nice, my fellow "Best Week Ever" panelist. At some point tomorrow, I have to email the producers and tell them what I want my entrance music to be--the whole thing has a pseudo WWF feel, obviously). Anyway, I've spent the last three days trying to decide on what the perfect I'm-about-to-fuck-you-up theme music would be. So far, I'm leaning towards "Hate to Feel" by Alice in Chains or "My Tortured Soul" by Probot. Any suggestions?

Thursday, July 08, 2004


Things will return to normal here tomorrow morning. I promise it. This is not the demise of TOH, just a necessary hiatus. Thank you for your patience.

In the meantime, check out this action. Pure genius. They're all great, but I must have watched the Orson Welles thing 25 times.

Tomorrow morning, dinks!

Thursday, July 01, 2004


Harry Potter and the Unfilled Ice Trays

Harry Potter and the Conspicuous Cold Sore

Harry Potter and the Sucka M.C.

Harry Potter and the Flaming Bag of Dog Poo

Harry Potter and the Crazy Wizard Guy Who Does Lots of Weird Shit

Harry Potter and the Extremely Disturbing Homoerotic Torture Fan Fiction
(NOTE: I was going to include a link here to an insanely violent and, yes, homoerotic piece of Harry Potter fan fiction I stumbled across on the web last night, but my computer here at work will not let me go to the page. Oh, and never you mind how I happened to 'stumble across' said piece of fan fiction. I was googling medieval torture devices, I swear! I suspect that I am now on some sort of FBI watchlist. Hooray!)

Harry Potter and the Order of Shrimp Lo Mein

Harry Potter and the Feisty Dick Puncher

Harry Potter and Awkward Morning-After Brunch with Dobby

Harry Potter and the Relatively Uneventful Semester

Harry Potter and the Heroic Aryan Brotherhood

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Dead Prostitutes and Drifters

Harry Potter and the Low Fixed Rate Mortgage

Harry Potter and That Lazy, No-Good Son of Yours

And, so you can join in the fun:

Harry Potter and the _______________