Friday, May 31, 2002

Rejected story ideas from a recent High Times editorial meeting:







"THAT SHIT IS FUCKED UP: Weird Commercials I Caught Last Night"


"STEELY DAN: Relevant as Ever!"

"FREE MUMIA! And Other Shit We're For Without Totally Understanding"

Thursday, May 30, 2002

Behold, the Antichrist!
Something I've noticed about Russian dudes:

They wear polo shirts to the gym.

And what do they wear when dining at a fancy restaurant? Sweatsuits, of course.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

As you may have heard, there's been another break in the Chandra Levy case. Police have revealed that, on the morning of her disappearance, Ms. Levy was logged on to the internet and that the last website she visited was an online map of Rock Creek Park, where her body was eventually discovered. I'm impressed with how quickly authorities are piecing things together, but if I ever go missing, I hope they don't search for me based on my last internet entry. I imagine that would be a rather awkward press conference.

"So officer, do you have any leads?"

"Yes, in fact we do. After examining Mr. Finnegan's computer, we have reason to believe he may have been abducted by sorority sluts. Or perhaps he was the victim of a fatal penis enlargement scheme. We'd like to bring Alyssa Milano in for questioning. And if anyone has information regarding an email sent by someone known as 'Amy from high school', we encourage you to come forward."

Even more horrifying, retracing my online steps could lead someone here.

Or... here.

Saturday, May 25, 2002

As promised, I will now try to decipher what guys' favorite albums say about THEM. This is more difficult, as I actually like a few of these albums and can relate to many of the sentiments. Still, I will soldier on! By the way, check out the comments from Thursday's entry there's some funny shit there. Ok, here goes.

My favorite album is:

* PAVEMENT Slanted and Enchanted - Everyone in this room is an asshole, except me. And yes, I know that my t-shirt is too snug.

* THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS Lincoln - Wanna hear me recite the Jabberwocky?

* V/A Best Club Anthems 2001 - I sprinkle first date conversations with awkward sexual innuendo.

* THE JOHN SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION Orange - I live in constant fear of being found boring.

* RUSH Moving Pictures - If I don�t get your pizza to you within 30 minutes, it's free.

* JAY-Z Vol. 2-Hard Knock Life - I'm under the impression that people are watching me at all times.

* JOHN DENVER Poems, Prayers and Promises - I prefer the term 'making love', thank you.

* PRINCE Sign O' the Times - I will, on occasion, wear a colorful vest.

* SLAYER Reign in Blood - Real life frightens me.

* BERNADETTE PETERS Live at Carnegie Hall - What, just because I know how to dress, I have to be gay?

* DAVE MATTHEWS BAND Crash - I know fraternities are lame, but I'm still probably going to rush.

* MICHAEL JACKSON Invincible - I am from Bulgaria.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

As some of you may know, I�m a bit of a music geek. I find that this creates problems in my dating life. In fact, I can mathematically calculate exactly how long a relationship is going to last based solely on a woman�s CD collection. The equations work out like this:

2y = x


z = -x

In this formula, X represents �one week of a happy, healthy relationship�, Y represents �one undeniably fantastic album� (i.e. St. Pepper, Innervisions, etc.), and Z represents �one undeniably terrible album (say, anything from the P. Diddy oeuvre). As you can see, it takes twice as many good CDs as bad ones for a relationship to even get off the ground in the first place. And then there are certain albums that are absolute deal breakers�it�s embarrassing to admit this, but if I'm in a woman's apartment and spot a Celine Dion album, I will be unable to achieve an erection. I feel that strongly about Celine, not to mention her greasy pedophile of a husband.

It's not that I will always break up with a woman for having bad taste in music--in fact, I am far more often the one cast aside. But even when I am the dump-ee, I can look to her CD collection for insight as to where everything went wrong. Certain types of personalities enjoy certain types of music and I can refract that information through the prism of my romantic life. The plain fact is, any woman who likes to rock out to James Taylor is eventually going to come to loathe me. It�s unavoidable.

So you�re probably wondering, �What does my favorite CD say about ME?� Here�s a little rundown of what certain albums say about the people who love them.

My favorite album is:

* MOBY �Play� � I like to think I�m on top of current events, but I�m not.

* BILLY JOEL �Greatest Hits� � I like sex as much as the next person, I just don�t see why it has to be so messy

* SARAH McLACHLAN �Fumbling Towards Ecstacy� � I own a journal, but never write anything in it.

* V/A �I Love the Eighties!, Vol IV.� � I�m not so much a fan of music as I am a fan of my own life, specifically the period in my life that these songs remind me of.

* JOY DIVISION �Closer� � Sometimes I cut myself, just so I can feel something.

* ANI DiFRANCO �Living in Clip� � I did once, but I was REALLY drunk�

* THE WHITE STRIPES �White Blood Cells� � I am a liar.

* JANIS JOPLIN �Box of Pearls� � With this fringy suede jacket and ratty, flowing skirt, no one would ever guess that I�m from New Canaan, CT!

* DAVE MATTHEWS BAND �Crash� � I know sororities are lame, but I�m still probably going to rush.

* ALICIA KEYES �Song in A Minor� � I like to say obvious things as if they�re really insightful.

* CANNIBAL CORPSE �Tomb of the Mutilated� � I have certain feelings I don�t fully understand.

NOTE: If all this seems unfairly weighted against women, it�s only because those are the only people I have sex with (that nasty rumor about me and Mike Piazza to the contrary). Maybe tomorrow I�ll try to imagine what guys� favorite albums say about THEM.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

This post contains no hilarity. My sincere apologies. Apparently, had some sort of breakdown this morning, and a lot of the sites (including this one) have been coming up "Page Not Found". I've been told that the problem will remedy itself if I simply post something, so here goes my little test.

Monday, May 20, 2002

This just in: If I have to watch that Mitsubishi commercial with the woman breakdancing in the front seat of the car again, I may kill someone.

I only mention this so that if I do indeed brutally murder someone, my lawyers can use this blog to bring the charges down to aggravated manslaugher.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is not fully responsible for his actions. I mean, have you SEEN this commercial?!"

Saturday, May 18, 2002

Yesterday I prophecized that Creed singer Scott stapp will one day pack on the pounds. Imagine my surprise when I was Emailed this disturbing peek into the future:

I love the idea that even after becoming morbidly obese, he'd stick with the rockstar hairdo. This bit of techno wizardy was passed on to me by the lovely Daegan (I've never actually met the woman, but I'm going to assume she's lovely). Do check out her own nipper keen blog, Things Fall Apart.

Thanks also to friend and NPR personality Adam Felber, who explains all the web shit I'm too stupid to understand (most of it). Take a gander at his site, Fanatical Apathy. It will make you feel smart by mere association.

Friday, May 17, 2002

Here's a new drink recipe for you professional bartenders out there:


3 parts Jack Daniels
2 parts Mountain Dew
1 part Immodium AD


1 cherry
1 Planter's Cheese Ball

Serve chilled, in a Green Bay Packers coffee mug
From the "I weep for Modernity" file:

How is it that Creed has sold millions of albums but no one will admit to owning one? It makes sense that they're a religious band, since every person you ask about them immediately turns into St. Peter.

"Creed? Um...nope, never heard of them."

But didn't I see you at their concert last weekend?

"You must be thinking of someone else."

Really? It looked just like you.


And while we're on the subject, I will now make a prophecy: Scott Stapp, Creed's lead singer, will one day become a fatty. I can spot a fatty in-the-making and that dude's got 'Marlon Brando' written all over him. Mark my words!

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Thursday, May 16, 2002

I was chatting with a female friend last night and the conversation touched on the age-old tendancy of women to go after dudes with money and influence. I don't really have a problem with this, I just wish women would come out and admit that it's true. Instead, my friend defended her gender by saying that it isn't wealth and power that makes a man attractive, it's his drive to ACHIEVE that wealth and power.

That, my friends, is horseshit.

That's like me saying "You know, it's not that woman's sweet ass I'm attracted to, it's her drive to ACHIEVE that sweet ass!" Sure, I see a great body and I think "Check out that work ethic! She must spend hours on the stairmaster! That kind of self-discipline is SOOOO HOT!"

Here's a simple test, ladies: the next time a fella gets you hot and bothered, ask yourself "Would I want to fuck this guy if he worked in the mailroom?" Go so far as to picture the dude pushing a cart around your office. If the answer is still 'yes', bone away!

It's unnecessary for men to question their sexual motives in this manner. We will find you attractive (or unattractive) completely independent of how much money you make or how many people's lives you can ruin--a well-formed fanny looks as good on a Denny's waitress as it does on a duchess.

Shallow? Absolutely. But it's also endearingly honest, wouldn't you say? Viva simplicity!

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

I caught "Swordfish" on cable last night. I think we may have finally reached the point in John Travolta's "comeback" where we all remember why we hated him in the first place. If scientists could only find a way to harness Smugness--Travolta could ween us off foreign oil. And that complexion of his has more divots than a golf course for the blind.

Monday, May 13, 2002


Ladies, let's put the kibosh on that whole skirt-with-pants-underneath look. Don't you realize that the fashion industry is just fucking with you? They're seeing how far they can push you! I get the feeling that some of you would start wearing lobster bibs if Isaac Mizrahi told you to.

Truth is, a woman wearing pants underneath her skirt doesn't look fashionable...she looks like my mentally retarded Aunt Allie. So unless you enjoy spending your day sipping Orange Crush and sewing together oven mits, pick a look and go with it.

Sorry to have to break it to you this way.

Saturday, May 11, 2002

A pet peeve of mine:

The term is "Fifth Wheel", people. Always. It doesn't fucking matter if there were only three people involved.

You see, having five wheels on a vehicle means that one wheel has no reason to be there. Seriously, picture it. See what I mean? That fifth wheel is completely useless, hence the idiom. A vehicle with three wheels? It's called a tricycle, you goddamn twit.

Fifth wheel! Fifth wheel! FIFTH!!!

Just wanted to get that straight. Please pass it along.

Friday, May 10, 2002

a poem by Pryce Martinez

There she stands
Her sadness as big as a tree
Always travelling back to long ago
Treading on the sacred ground of her ancestors

On that sacred ground
Under a captive moon
Tremblous and fragile
Fear drops like pellets
I don�t mean the bird kind
Though that�s totally what they are

Can she hear the land calling her
Over distant lands of forever
Utopian dreams betwixt valleys of gravitude
Led astray
Down the path of masterfulness

Urgently, she waits
Sad as a really sad flower
Except for one part of her, which is psyched

Always is a word that describes her fear and longing for her ancestors

Sweet bird of being a young person
Where will she be for now
Every time she hears the wind
Aching for her to be on her sacred ground
That question will remain not answered
But it may be answered
After forever
Not that she will know this
Dreaming of her ancestors and being sad

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Why does the word "lonely" have such negative connotations? I prefer to think of myself as just being very "lone". That sounds much cooler, don't you think?

F adverbs, dude.
Yasmine Bleeth is a crossword puzzle entry waiting to happen.

Clue: Yasmine et al (7 letters)


(Don't worry, I don't get why this is supposed to be funny, either.)

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

Tower of Hubris is averaging 32 "hits" a day. That's pretty weak, but it's still more people than went to see Deuces Wild this past weekend. Can we revoke Stephen Dorff's 'celebrity' status yet? That dude is a poor man's Corey Feldman--and Corey Feldman ain't all that expensive. I love the idea that during preproduction for Deuces Wild, some casting person excitedly slammed down the phone and announced "WE GOT DORFF!" You'd sell more tickets by casting Tim Conway's Dorf.

Monday, May 06, 2002

From the "I'm having trouble sleeping" file:

Why the fuck do car alarms even exist anymore? Does any thief STOP trying to steal a car just because the alarm goes off? At this point, does anyone hear a car alarm and actually think "Uh oh, a car is being stolen. I'd better investigate!"? No, you think "some douchebag doesn't know how to parallel park." If companies really want to thwart car thieves, they should start making alarms that shout things like "Holy shit, it's Sean Connery!", or a simple "Check out those tits!"

THEN, my friend, you'd see people come a'runnin.

Friday, May 03, 2002

Hey, folks. At long last, here are those Kenny Loggins tour dates you were asking for:

May 12-14 COLUMBUS, GA: Pudgie's BBQ and Civic Centre
May 15-17 STATESBORO, GA: The Roscoe P. Coltrane Ampitheater
May 19-20 MURRELLS INLET, SC: The Gravy Boat
May 22-24 CORNELIUS, NC: Wicks 'n Sticks (near food court)
May 25-26 TOBACCOVILLE, NC: Agee Vocational Tech
May 29-30 KEEZLETOWN, VA: 453 Berkin st., Apt. 3 (buzzer broken, must call from payphone)
June 2-23 NEW YORK, NY: Madison Square Garden
June 25-26 DELMAR, MD: Gordy's
June 28-30 LITTLE CREEK, DE: Knights for Christ Social Club (whites only)

Hope this helps! By the way, a little birdy told me that Kenny will be unveiling his much talked about reggae version of "Dangerzone" on this tour! Yessss!!!! See you guys at the shows!

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

a poem by Pryce Martinez

What is this spell you have over me,
beloved circus tumbler?

Use me as your mat,
intoxicating circus tumbler.
Lay me on the floor and use me to cushion
your sinewy form as you roll
across my prone body and into my heart.
Watch out for my nuts, though.

Where will you go,
enigmatic circus tumbler,
once the last show draws to a close
and the big top comes down for good?

Will you wander this world
in search of gleeful crowds
and padded surfaces?

Or will you withdraw,
your time in the sun all but complete?

Do you want to me to talk to someone in human resources,
hypnotic circus tumbler?
I could probably get you an interview.

Mysterious circus tumbler,
do you know Excel?

You might have to wear a sportcoat over your tights,
except maybe for Fridays.
Are you cool with that,
fiery circus tumbler?

I should be around after lunch.
Let me know.