Tuesday, September 28, 2004


I know I haven't posted in nearly a week, and I don't want to pretend that this is a genuine entry, 'cause it ain't. This is just a bold-faced plug to let you all know that I'm going to be appearing on "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn" tonight. Should be interesting. For those of you who don't already know, I've been on the writing staff there for over a year, but I've never actually appeared as a panelist. The thing about Tough Crowd is, the format is very tricky--it looks likes it's just a bunch of silly banter, but I've seen many a great comic come off looking bad on the show. When people suck on Tough Crowd, it's usually for one of three reasons: they don't prepare enough (and don't have the charm and charisma to pull of "winging it"), they prepare too much and spend the whole show awkwardly trying to cram their jokes in, or they simply freeze up and stare into the camera, aka "Cindy Brady Syndrome". I've seen it happen time and time again and told myself "Boy, if I ever get to do the show..." Well, I guess now we'll find out.

The show tapes this evening and then airs tonight at 11:30pm (in NYC, at least), right after "The Daily Show". Check it out, if you're so inclined.

Oh, and as far as posting some actual "comedy" goes, I'll be posting something relatively weighty very soon, probaby tomorrow evening.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


I keep seeing ads for this show Lost, which appears to be a mixture of Survivor. ER and The X Files (I know what you're thinking: Finally!). To my eye, this show has the makings of a show that everyone pretends to love for two months and then gets cancelled after one season. There's such a thing as too much "drama", and I think a show about a group of people (all with their own personal issues and plotlines, of course) who crash land on an deserted island and then discover it just happens to be home to some sort of...well, monster. That seems like one premise too many. I am happy, though, that network TV has finally found another I-didn't-ask-for-this-responsibility-but-somehow-I-will-shoulder-the-weight role for Matthew Fox, aka The Man Who Holds Americas Hair Back.

I'm not sure how well I would handle finding myself on a deserted island, especially under stressful circumstances (like, say, a plane crash/monster type situation). My current way of dealing with stress is to lock myself in my apartment and play Madden 2005 until the feeling passes. That seems rather impractical on a deserted island. Plus, I get really cranky if I don't give my hair a good shampooing every day. I'm sure that I'd end up being that guy who'd bitch and moan and get on everyone's nerves. Eventually me and my fellow survivors would be trudging through the trees, searching for some sign of fresh water and/or civilization, when the sound of a snapping branch breaks the silence. All of the castaways stop and look around, worriedly. All of them except me, of course. "Did you guys just hear something?", the requisite hot-babe-who's-been-through-hard-times says. "WHAT'S THE DAMN HOLD UP?!" I turn back and bellow, displaying the ill temper that's made me the least-liked person on the island. The Matthew Fox type guy takes a cautious step towards me and whispers, "Christian...don't...move..." I stand there facing them, with my back towards a dense thicket of bushes and trees. "LOOK," I shout. "YOU GUYS CAN PUSSYFOOT AROUND AS MUCH AS YOU WaNT, BUT I'M GOING TO GET THE HELL OFF OF THIS DAMN ISLAND! YOU HEAR ME? I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!" It's at this precise moment that an unseen force grabs me and I disappear into the bushes. What follows is fifteen seconds of terrified screaming and pleas for help. One of the other survivors begins to step forward to help me, but he he is held back by the more sensible among them. There is no helping me--I'm already dead. The hot-babe-who's-been-through-hard-times collapses into Matthew Fox's ever-capable arms.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Thursday, September 16, 2004


The Pontiac Deathrattle

The Bentley Pretense

The Plymouth P.O.S.

The Lexus DUI Series

The Audi Hatecrime

The Isuzu Ennui

The Geo Bone Cancer

The Peugeot Stench

The Chevy Airbags-are-for-fags

The Kia Cockblock

The Mercedes-Benz Reichmobile

The Ferrari Orphanmaker

The Maxi Cooper

The Land Rover Overcompensator

The Volkswagen Gunt

Monday, September 13, 2004


I've had e-fucking-nough with the presidential election. I'm so fucking sick of of campaign-related horsepoop, I'm tempted to move to Brunei. Can we just go ahead and vote now? We're ready, right? We should amend the constitution so that, in years like this, we the people can look around at each other and say "Are we good? Okay, let's do this." But no, we have to endure seven more weeks of hokey sloganeering, make-believe anecdotes about "real" Americans (e.g. "I was recently talking with Edna May Jensen from Terre Haute, Indiana and she told me that her prescription drug costs blah blah blah blah bleeccch...") and around-the-clock punditry. And for who's benefit? The "undecided" voters? The most jelly-brained 2% of the American population? Anyone who doesn't know who he/she's voting for this far along in the game is someone who's vote we, as a nation, probably don't need.

I think Bush is an fucking embarassment, but it's no mystery to me why so many people like him. Bush and Kerry personify the perpetual (and very American) battle between "Common Sense" and "Intellectualism". In a nutshell, if you think that life is simple (good, evil, right, wrong, etc.), Bush is probably your guy. And if you think that life is very complicated and that what might be "right" for one person isn't necessarily right for another person, you're probably voting for Kerry--or, to be more specific, against Bush. The point I'm trying to make is, I understand why someone would vote for Bush, loathe him though I do. But the difference is pretty damn stark--how could anyone still be undecided? It's not a complicated menu, people--Christ, there are only two entrees. Pick one! (Okay, technically speaking, I there is a third entree, but do us all a favor and don't pick that one.)

What could you possible be expecting to learn between now and November that's going to make up your mind? Nothing good, that's for sure. Trust me, you already know every single good thing about about Bush and Kerry. In fact, had that shit drilled into your head for the past six months. And don't give me that crap about the debates. The presidential debates prove nothing, save how good a candidate is at memorization. How are you supposed to size someone up when they're just reciting their "talking points"? I wish we could insert some genuine spontaineity back into the debate process. Hell, what's stopping Kerry from just turning to Bush and asking, "Okay, George. Quick: what's nine times nine?" I would give three to one odds it would take bush at least ten seconds to answer. And to be fair, Bush could turn around and say "Okay, John Kerry, perhaps you can explain to America why in the world anyone would want a president who looks like the Scream mask."

Tuesday, September 07, 2004


So tomorrow, being the Wednesday after Labor Day, is the traditional "back to school" day. At least, that's the way it was in my youth. It's funny, I'm 31 and this week still gives me a restless, excited feeling. Much more than January 1st, I think of the Wednesday after Labor Day as being the true start of the new year. Just to make tomorrow feel extra special, I picked up a new Dukes of Hazard Trapper Keeper (my old one was worn aropund the edges) and I've laid out a sassy new outfit next to my bed--say hello to Chess King, baby!

If you're still in high school or college, you should get down on your knees and kiss the sticky cafeteria floor. I'm not going to tell you that these are the best days of your life--only douchebags say that. But I will say that you're in the midst of the most dependable days of your life. Being a student gives gives your vapid, meaningless life the illusion of structure. There are classes to be attended, homework to be done, pop quizzes to stress over. Shit needs to get done, and if you don't come through, there are consequences--bad grades, detention, etc. Even if you rebel and decide not to do what's expected of you, the educational system will drag your ass along and continue to give you a nice, sturdy framework against which to rebel. Compare that to the relatively weightless world of adulthood, where I'm expected to create my own reasons for getting up in the morning. Fuck that noise.

So enjoy it while it lasts, etudiantes. And if you're out of school but want to spend an hour or so reliving the highs, lows, triumphs and embarrassments of scholastic life, come out to tonight's installment of Sob Stories at The Marquee. The theme, obviously, is "Back to School" and the show will feature lots of fantastic guests, including Todd Hanson (head writer for The Onion), Todd Levin, Bob Powers and more!

Here's the relevant info:

SOB STORIES, hosted by Christian Finnegan (that's me)
The Marquee
356 Bowery
(btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St)
8:00 PM
$5.00 - NO drink minimum!
This month's theme: BACK TO SCHOOL

Please show up. Funny will be made.