Later this week, I'm headed to Ft. Lauderdale to do stand up comedy. I'm looking forward to the trip, but I'll probably have to do a little work making my material a tad more "universal" (basically, this entails taking all of my oblique masturbation references and turning them into overt masturbation references). But I look at it as an opportunity to relate to the "common folk", which is why I'll be spending the next two days growing a mullet and working on some bitchin' song parodies! How about a hilarious Monica Lewinsky ditty sung to the tune of "Blowin in the Wind"? Or a Roberta Flack parody about John Wayne Bobbit entitled "Killin' My Softee"? Hoo-doggy! I'm gonna KILL!!

Actuaklly, I think I'll spend the entire weekend of shows discussing, at length, the writings of Ludwig von Feurbach and their effect on modern theological discourse.

Or maybe I'll just make underarm fart noises.

I mean, call me an elistist, but...

Actually, just call me an elistist.

I know it's unfair to blithely assume that the entire population of Ft. Lauderdale is, shall we say, less-than-brilliant. But I have this theory that it's impossible to nurture a rich intellectual tradition in any geographical location where men feel pressured to take their shirts off in public. I mean, would Einstein be Einstein if he'd lived in South Beach? I think not. Instead of quantum theory, Einstein would have spent all of his time off from the Patent Office doing crunches and fretting about his man-boobs.

VH1 is currently airing a program called "100 Sexiest Artists". I thought it would only make sense to include a short list of the "10 Unsexiest Artists":

10. Michael Bolton (I mean, obviously)
9. Canned Heat
8. Slim Whitman
7. Bachman Turner Overdrive
6. Bob Seger
5. Kajagoogoo
4. Johnny Winters
3. Edgar Winters
2. Patti Smith (Egads...)
1. Dmitri Shostakovich

Get baked, turn on your speakers and enjoy this.

(Thanks, Felber)

Tonight, I'm slated to attend a friend's going-away party at Culture Club, which is one of those '80s nostalgia danceterias. It's still over ten hours away and my Bemused Irony Meter is already in the red. I'm sure I'll spend the first hour of the party standing in the corner, making witty asides to my friends about all of the "losers" dancing their middle-management butts off to Loverboy's "Workin' for the Weekend". But three whiskeys and ninety-nine luft balloons later, I'll probably be out on the floor, singling along to The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" and doing my Serious Moonlight-era Bowie impression.

Whereas some men have a Dark Side, I have a Dork Side.

I think one of the reasons I get so annoyed by nostalgia buffs (who aren't me, obviously) is that they tend to have a very narrow view of what constitutes "'80s music". Usually, this "love" of the 1980s extends to maybe 20 songs they wouldn't even remember, were it not for Time Life box sets and Adam Sandler movies. So I just wanted to take this opportunity to list, in no particular order, the most over and under-referenced pop songs from the 1980s.

MOST OVER-REFERENCED '80s POP SONGS:
(NOTE: These songs aren't all terrible, just over-referenced)
"Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
"White Wedding" by Billy Idol
"Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (sorry, ladies)
"Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung
"The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats
"You Spin Me 'Round (Like a Record)" by Dead or Alive
"Maneater" by Hall & Oates
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper
"I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3
"I'll Melt with You" by Modern English
"I Touch Myself" by Divinyls (Ok, this one genuinely is terrible)
"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco
"Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves*


MOST UNDER-REFERENCED '80s POP SONGS:
(NOTE: The first nine are great songs that don't get their nostalgia due, the last five are truly horrible songs with yet-untapped kitsch potential)
"Shadows of the Night" Pat Benatar
"The Look of Love" by ABC
"Something About You" by Level 42
"We Close Our Eyes" by Go West
"Rockit" by Herbie Hancock
"Under the Milky Way Tonight" by The Church
"Buffalo Stance" by Nenah Cherry
"Save it for Later" by English Beat
"68 Guns" by The Alarm
"Down Boys" by Warrant
"Shake You Down" by Gegory Abbot
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister
"Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane
"Joyride" by Roxette

I hope this proves helpful, as you go out and celebrate your musical heritage. Let's all be try to be a little more discerning with our precious kitsch resources.


* Jack Black grooving out to "Walking on Sunshine" was the one cringe-worthy and patently false moment in High Fidelity, the otherwise perfect treatise on music-geekdom

Test 2

HEY, ASPIRING MUSICIANS! YEAH, YOU!

So there�s this dude I kind of know. He�s in a band. Nice guy, probably not a terrible band. But I�ll probably never find out, because the name of his band is so incredibly stupid. I won�t mention this band�s name, due to my well-established fear of the exploratory Google search--let�s just call them The Schlongfloggers. What I find interesting about this isn't that his band has a crappy name (after all, 75% of bands in this city do), but how proud he is of it. He once bragged to me about the slew of previous, �far inferior� monikers his band had gone through before finally stumbling onto �The Schlongfloggers�.

It got me thinking of how easy it is come up with a shitty band name. To illustrate this fact, I decided to come with a few of my own. I found the following potential band names in yesterday�s NY Daily News, pulling one random phrase apiece from Pages 2 to 15. If you're feeling really bored, you can find a copy of yesterday's paper and find them yourself!*

I�ve also included a bit of background information on what each imaginary band would sound like, as well as some �Fun Facts�. And who doesn�t love �Fun Facts�?

So, aspiring musicians, if your band is in need of a new and undeniably crappy name, get a load of these babies:



Off-Color Crack
Genre: Novelty Hardcore
Sounds Like: Murphy�s Law, A.C.
Debut Album: Soggy Biscuits
Fun Fact: "Off-Color Crack garnered a minor buzz in the Sacramento area with their first single, 'I Just Came All Over Enrique Iglesias� Mole'!"


Seething at Steph
Genre: Heartfelt Emo
Sounds Like: Get Up Kids, Saves the Day
Debut Album: Highspeed Diaryland
Fun Fact: "The girls at MakeOutClub.com recently voted Seething At Steph�s Jeremy Loomis the cutest bass player EVER!"


Potato Famine
Genre: Irish shit-kicking music
Sounds Like: The Pogues, Black 47
Debut Album: Hoist up Yer Britches, Boyo
Fun Fact: "Potato Famine has been the Saturday night house band at Malachy�s in Staten Island for 13 years and counting!"


The Shiny Sluggers
Genre: Punk-tinged Swing
Sounds Like: Cherry Poppin Daddies, Royal Crown Revue
Debut Album: Introducing the Super Slick Sounds of the Shiny Sluggers!
Fun Fact: "The Shiny Sluggers all know, on some deep subconscious level, that no one really cares about their genre of music anymore!"


Radical Departure
Genre: Jazz Fusion
Sounds Like: Weather Report, The Chick Corea Elektric Band
Debut Album: Passage to Nightside
Fun Fact: "The members of Radical Departure boast over 25 years of formal jazz fusion training�they also boast 3 mullets, 2 goatees and 4 blazer-over-tee-shirt stage outfits!"


Badly Damaged Building
Genre: Indie Singer-Songwriter
Sounds Like: Bright Eyes, East River Pipe
Debut Album: Your Eyes Tumble Like a Dying Bird and Still I Cannot Sleep
Fun Fact: "Tristan Farnham (a.k.a. Badly Damaged Building) suffers from severe social anxiety and is unable to write or perform music unless he�s sitting in his own bathtub!"


Ring Rot
Genre: Blues Bar Rock
Sounds Like: AC/DC, Buckcherry
Debut Album: Ass, Gas or Grass: No One Rides for Free
Fun Fact: "Ring Rot thinks that Badly Damaged Building kid sounds like a total pussy!"


These Corporate Leaders
Genre: Nerd Rock
Sounds Like: Man or Astroman?, Devo
Debut Album: You Will Obey These Corporate Leaders
Fun Fact: "These Corporate Leaders perform in 1920s-style, full-torso swimsuits and antique phrenology headgear! They love irony!"


Slice of 700M Pie
Genre: Power Pop
Sounds Like: Jellyfish, The Posies
Debut Album: Starwater Taffy
Fun Fact: "Slice of 700M Pie�s music can be split into four distinct categories: Songs about how cool it is being in a band, songs about how much it sucks being in a band, songs about how cool it is being into OTHER bands, and songs about how much other bands suck!"


Wrinkle Free
Genre: Underground White Kid Hip Hop
Sounds Like: Northern State, MC Paul Barman
Debut Album: The Skillz to Make That Sh** Happen, Y�all
Fun Fact: "No matter how hard he tries, Brian Wormer (a.k.a. Wrinkle Free) can�t seem to convince people that he�s not trying to be funny!"



Status Crystal
Genre: Prog Metal
Sounds like: Dream Theater, Iron Maiden
Debut Album: Geometaphysticles and the Tower of Quyllinore
Fun Fact: "The only thing more complex and mindblowing than the music of Status Crystal is the palpable scent of body odor coming from its audience!"


Valley Stream Sun
Genre: Alt. Country
Sounds Like: Uncle Tupelo, The Jayhawks
Debut Album: Drag Her Slowly Homeward
Fun Fact: "These guys spend at least three hours a week bitching about how Ryan Adams sold out!"


400% More
Genre: Dance Pop
Sounds Like: O Town, S Club 7
Debut Album: It�s a Party World!
Fun Fact: "Get ready girls, it�s the world�s next big boy band�straight out of the Ukraine! It�s fun party time for every boy and girl!"


Terms and Conditions
Genre: Militant Hardcore
Sounds Like: Pantera, Hatebreed
Debut Album: Rise Up
Fun Fact: "The JDL and Anti-Defamation League have this band�s movements under close scrutiny!"


* No one is this bored. No, not even you. Put down the newspaper.

There are some days when I feel like I have absolutely nothing interesting/funny/unintentionally revealling to write, so I start preparing what I expect to be a slapdash, two-minutes-and-I'm-done blog entry. But then, through some unknown mental process, it metamorphisizes into something very large and unwieldy that I obsess over for hours and hours (see the "Peripheral Superstars" quiz). Today is one of those days. I hope to finish what I'm working on and post it later this afternoon. We shall see.

It's been 27 hours since my last post and I still hate Wayne Brady.

I'll keep you posted as this story unfolds.

For those of you who were popular enough to have plans last night, you missed a truly epic night of television. It was a dumb-chick double shot: on ABC, The Miss America pageant; on MTV, a marathon of perhaps the greatest show ever in the history of the medium, Sorority Life. These two programs make that woman who was caught on surveillance video beating the shit out of her 4 year old seem like a good role model.

I've already discussed Sorority Life a bit in this forum (see the entry for 7/21/02) , so I think I'll focus today's comments on the pageant.

There was a time with the Miss Armerica pageant that there was one thing you could count on: 49 of the 50 contestants would be hot. For some reason, Miss Massachusetts (representing my home state) would always be a horsey beast with some bizarrely idiosyncratic 'talent'. While the perrenial favorites (Miss California, Miss Tennessee, Miss Texas) tend to sing an overwrought showtune or perform some glitter-encrusted dance number, Miss Massachusetts always does something decidedly unerotic like playing the fucking xylophone. Word of advice to you aspiring beauty queens: it's either the mallets or the diamond tiara--you're never gonna have both.

Anyway, like I was saying, you used to have confidence that the vast majority of Miss America contestants would be physically attractive. No longer. Last night's crop of aspirants looked like a random sampling of 50 women you might run accross at Filene's Basement--a few cuties, a few trolls and about 35 unspeakably plain women. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with being unextraordinary looking--the vast majority of us are not stunning physical specimens. But if anyone is going to look like a 'Beauty Queen', it should be, well, a beauty queen. If you're representing an entire state in the Miss Fucking America pageant, it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect that you might be, you know, kinda cute. Instead, most of them look like women who've just gone through a Ricki Lake Show makeover--thay exhibit all the outside indicators of 'hotness' (perfect hair, expertly applied makeup, meticulously tweezed eyebrows), without that elusive component of actually being hot.

Now, the only thing all 50 contestants have in common is that they all sound like candidates for Vice President. Listening to these vapid twits ramble on about their commitment to the elderly/crusade against illiteracy/love of all things small and furry reminds me of watching a breakdancer do 'The Robot' (turn head to left, smile, gesture with righthand, smile, commence 'Body Rock'). They make Al Gore look like GG Allin.

In recent years, television ratings for beauty pageants have been in steep decline. If any of you pageant organizers are reading this, I suggest you alter the way contestants are whittled down from 50 to 15, from 15 to 10, etc. Instead of announcing the contestants who've made it to the next round, why not spotlight the unfortunate women who haven't? In fact, instead of making the initial cut from 50 to 15, it should be from 50 to 49.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the moment of truth is at hand. It's time to find out which of our fifty contestants is less attractive, and therefore less valid, than every other woman currently standing on this stage. May have a drumroll please?

...Boy, this is exciting, isn't it...?

Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to...MISS SOUTH DAKOTA! Let's get her out of here, folks!

No seriously, Miss South Dakota--you have to go! Yes, right now!

And then, singing,

"THERE SHE GOES, NON-MISS AMERICA,

THERE SHE GOES, NOT QUITE YOUR IDEAL..."

(By the way, if you need proof that beauty pageants are fucking evil, check out the lyrics to the Miss America Theme Song)

Oh, and one more thing about The Miss America Pageant: Wayne Brady has turned vigorous is a hateful, hateful man who must be stopped. He's the only person I've ever seen who can make vigorous mediocrity seem like an act of aggression.

Behold!

Let's all welcome the infamous Fucky Gaylord to the world of Bloggery with a visit to his page.

Seriously, you should all go there.

Things I would rather do than sit through Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever:

* Repeatedly slap my own nards with a ping pong paddle

* Attend six hour roundtable discussion on ponytail maintenance, moderated by Steven Seagal

* Run naked through Al Qaeda training camp, singing showtunes

* Get married to a wonderful woman, have two beautiful children, have them all brutally murdered in front of me by street thugs on angel dust, spend the next fourteen years in an alcoholic haze, cursing God and wallowing in abject despair, eventually delivering a shotgun blast to my own head

* Have these guys over for Thanksgiving dinner

* Engage in some heated frottage with the late star of Throw Momma from the Train, Anne Ramsey.

* Place headphones on ears, listen to theme Growing Pains (�As Long as We�ve Got Each Other�) on a loop for 36 hours straight

* Cheese grater to face. Salt. Repeat.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that relationships are like New York City street fairs. They always look really fun and exciting from a distance, but eventually you realize it's the exact same horseshit from the last time, just occupying a different physical space. The same overpriced meals, the same crappy bonzai trees and Hello Kitty cell phone covers. And like a street fair, my relationships are always underscored by incredibly bad Mexican pan flute music.


Sadly, this will make sense to no one outside of New York.

Sigh.

Today's frontpage headline for the NY Daily News:

TONY SMOKES 'EM: 'Sopranos' Ratings Whack Networks!

For all of you journalism students out there, I think we've found a working definition for "slow news day".

Here are a couple of frontpage headlines they decided not to go with:

GUY FARTS!

NYPD SNOOZE: Dennis Franz Takes Nap!

FLUFFERNUTTER MADE WITH BREAD, PEANUT BUTTER AND FLUFF!

SUCK: Mets Totally Suck!

I just had a conversation with a rather friendly gentleman from Taiwan who works in tech support at the company I'm temping for. His name? Peter Pan.

Life can be very cruel sometimes.

For my Junior and Senior year of high school I attending a performing arts high school (insert hilarious "Finnegan's a homo" joke here), the student body of which was divided into two general categories: acknowledged prodigies and creatively-inclined potential fuck-ups. Most of us were the latter. But among the genuine virtuosos were a good number of Asian classical musicians who'd come to America specifiacally to study at my high school, which was affiliated with the very prestigious New England Conservatory. Most of these kids were exceedingly shy, due not only to the language barrier and cultural upheaval but to the fact that they were, well, classical musicians--a cellist is a cellist is a cellist, after all.

In an effort to acclimate to their new surroundings and sexually confused, manic depressive peers (i.e. the majority of the student body), a good number of these young Asian students would take on American first names. The problem was, these names were obviously taken from a book written by someone who's knowledge of colloquial American English ended around 1920. Therefore, if you were to see a list of Asian students at my high school, it would read something like:

Terrence Chu
Reginald Tan
Esther Kim
Wade Chen
Wendell Lam
Mildred Lu
Abner Tran
Neville Wong

I felt so bad for these kids--their efforts to assimilate were actually contributing to their Outsider-ness. Teenagers are a whole lot more likely to want to hang out with a "Wen-Lei" than they are a "Wendell". But I have to say, all of those names pale in comparison to 'Peter Pan'. The minute he told me his name, I wanted to run over and give him a hug. I felt so bad, I almost couldn't stomach taunting him, a la "Where's Tinkerbell?" or "Peter Pan, eh? Bet that means you come from Loserloserland! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Almost.

Well, we�re coming up on �Fashion Week� here in New York�seven full days devoted to the most hateful people this side of Al Qaeda. In it�s honor, I will be throwing an absolute hissy fit about something utterly inconsequential, so as to convince people of my personal validity. (It shan�t work.)

Speaking of which, who made this latte? Who?

Listen bitches, if someone doesn�t own up to making this latte I�m going to just�.well, I don�t know-- I�m just going to lose it! WHO MADE THIS LATTE?!!!

I�m waiting.

You? It�s you, isn�t it sweetie? I have you to thank for this? Come over here. Yes. Come over here. Don�t worry, I�m not going to yell at you�I just want to show you something for a teensy moment. Just come over here. Now.

So sweetie, when someone tells you to go get me a latte, do you know what that means? Have you ever heard that word before, �latte�? You have? Really? All the time, huh? That must make you think you�re a smart little girl, right? Are you a smart little girl? Well tell me, little miss genius, what is that? That. At the top of the cup�what do you call that? Yes sweetie, that�s right. It�s foam. And hey, guess what? THERE�S NO FOAM IN A LATTE, YOU STUPID TWAT! ESPRESSO, STEAMED MILK�THAT�S IT! IF I�D WANTED A CAPPUCCINO, I�D HAVE ASKED FOR A FUCKING CAPPUCCINO! BUT I DIDN�T ASK YOU FOR A CAPPUCCINO, DID I, YOU WORTHLESS PUDDLE OF PUSSY! WHO TOLD YOU YOU KNEW HOW TO ORDER MY LATTE? WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, YOU FAT COW! YES, YOU�RE FAT! COME ON, SHE IS! WE ALL KNOW SHE IS!! I WASN�T GOING TO MENTION IT BECAUSE I�M A NATURALLY FORGIVING PERSON, BUT SWEETIE: YOU ARE A FAT, DISGUSTING PIG-WOMAN!! YOU ARE UGLY AND STUPID AND I DON�T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN UNTIL YOU�VE LOST SEVEN POUNDS! I NEED TO BE SURROUNDED BY BEAUTY AND YOU�RE UGLY-ING EVERYTHING UP!!

THAT�S RIGHT, GET OUT!! RUN AND CRY YOUR EYES OUT!! AND WHEN YOU�RE DONE, STICK A FINGER DOWN YOUR THROAT AND LOST SOME WEIGHT!!!

Do you have something you want to say to me, Phillipe? Because you look like you have something you want to say. No. No, I will not lay off�I�m doing that bitch a favor! She does not have an eating disorder. She does not! If she did, she wouldn�t be such a disgusting fat cow! Look, it�s about being a professional!! I�m here trying to make you queens look fabulous and that stupid little slut is going to mess up my flow by trying to tell me that this is a latte? GUESS AGAIN, MISS BITCHY CUNT!!

No, Marcel, a latte does not have foam. No, not any. Oh, you like foam, Marcel? Do you? Well here, HAVE SOME FOAM, YOU DIRTY LITTLE BITCH! YOU LIKE THAT?!! YOU LIKE THE FOAM NOW, MARCEL??!! GO, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! CLEAN YOURSELF UP, YOU LITTLE PEGBOY!! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!!!!

Great. Now I�m tense. I HOPE YOU�RE ALL HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES!! I can�t create in this condition. If anyone needs me, I�ll be in my cucumber bath.

The Peripheral Susperstar Aptitude Test--REVEALED!

In the words of Kilgore Trout, now it can be told. What follows are the answers to a semi-flawed test I devised last week based on actors we're all familiar with but whose actual names are elusive at best. For some background, scroll down and check out the Tower of Hubris entries for 9/12 and 9/13.

First off, in response to a comment by Mr. Fucky Gaylord: You're absolutely right, it's Ilan Mitchell Smith and Biff Tannen. Not sure what happened there--chalk it up to a 'brain fart'.

Secondly, I do realize that a few of the Peripheral Superstars on the list were in more than one movie on that list. However, it all works out cleanly if you're matching all three criteria--i.e. Billy Zabka may have been in both The Karate Kid and Back to School, but he only played "Johnny Lawrence" in the former (In the latter, he played "Chas" something-or-other, which wasn't one of the answers).

OK, that's it. Only a few people actually Emailed me serious attempts at completing the PSAT, but for those who did: I'll be giving 3 points for every complete correct answer (Actor/Character/Film) and 1 measly point for any two categories people were able to correctly link together (Character/Film, Actor/Film, etc).

Here are the answers, folks:

A12s
B3u
C16a
D2c
E6f
F19q
G7k
H21j
I15l (that's I as "incredibly huge" and l as in "loser")
J11e
K17g
L20r
M22v
N14n
O8p
P4b
Q5d
R1m
S9i
T13t
U18h
V10o
.
.
And the winner is...
.
.
.
.
(The suspense!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
MR. FUCKY GAYLORD with a nearly unfathomable score of 55!!!! As if having a name like 'Fucky Gaylord' wasn't proof enough--now your nerditude is a matter of public record!

Honorable mention goes to Mr. Steve Rosenthal, who entered a very respectable (if we can really use that word in this context) score of 37. Steve also made some suggestions for next year's PSAT, among them: Paul Dooley, Ronny Cox, Michael Pare, James Tolkan and Michael Ironside. (However, Steve, I think Tim Matheson and Sean Young are too famous to be considered Peripheral Superstars. Dan Hedaya is very debatable.)

Well, I hope you have all found this little excursion into the realm of borderline obscurity thought-provoking and enjoyable. Tomorrow, it's back to glorified dick jokes!

Friends,

All sorts of Blogger problems today. Haven't been able to past since Saturday. Everything seems to be fixed now, but I have to run out for a tad. But stay tuned--I will be pasting the answers to the Peripheral Superstar Aprtitue Test this afternoon/evening!

Hope you're having a wonderful Monday, fuckfaces.

Let's all have a brief moment of silence for my liver.

Christ oh christ was I drunk last night. Anyone have any idea where my $40 went? No? Well, how about my pants? My sens eo fpersonal responsibility? No dice? Well, if anyone happens to finds any of these items, please contact me--I'll be standing in the kitchen with my head in the freezer.

On the upside, I did learn a little bit about my Irish heritage. Apparently, the name Finnegan is Gaelic for "Dude, you're embarassing yourself. Seriously, cut it out. No, cut it-- Dude, JUST FUCKING STOP! No one thinks that's funny. No. No. I'm not trying to jump all over you, it's just-- Oh come on, man. It's not that big...would you stop crying, please? Careful, dude. Just sit down. Watch out for the-- Aw fuck! I just had these dry cleaned! Jesus christ, every fucking time. Well come on guys, let's get his ass into a cab."

It's kind of a long translation, I know.

QUICK PROMOTIONAL BLURB FOR YOU NEW YORKERS OUT THERE

Starting tonight (9/13), I'll be hosting my own comedy night every Friday at the Gershwin Hotel. Come on down, if you're feeling footloose and/or fancy-free. You'll get to see five (or so) wonderful comedians you may recognize from TV, film and rehab.

The pertinent info:

PORTABLE COMEDY
The Gershwin Hotel
7 East 27th Street
(b. 5th and Madison)
10:00pm
$5.00, which includes some type of free liquor (It tends to go fast, though--you might want to BYO)

I promise the show won't suck. if you'd like to be put on the weekly mailing list, which lists the comics appearing along with their credits, drop an Email to PortableComedy@aol.com.

Yeah, I realize I should have posted this earlier.

(sigh)

Here it is, folks:

THE PERIPHERAL SUPERSTAR APPTITUDE TEST!

(Check out yesterday�s blog entry for an explanation as to what the fuck I�m talking about.)

Below you will see three lists: one comprised of actors� names, the next one is character names, the last is a list of movie titles. It�s pretty self explanatory�just match the actor to the character to the film. Some of them are easy, some of them ridiculously impossible. I will readily admit that I had to do some web research to get a bunch of the characters� full names, spellings, etc. So don�t feel too bad if this little quiz brings you to the conclusion that you fucking suck shit.

A few notes:

* I know the formatting of this kind of sucks, but Blogger doesn�t really give you any options. I suggest you print this, or cut and paste it into a Word document.

* Not every Peripheral Superstar's most memorable role is represented on the list. This is because I didn�t want to use any movie more than once. I made one exception for Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which is a veritable Peripheral Superstar cluster-fuck.

* Yeah, most of these are '80s movies (both literally and figuratively), but not all of them. Keep that in mind.

* I�ve left off a few of the characters� last names where it would have been of no help.

* Don�t write out full answers, just write the capital letter/number/lower case letter (e.g. B15m, G9k, P22j)

* You can either post your answers here, or Email them to me at ChristFinnegan@aol.com. I�ll try to think of something nice to do for the winner. (insert vague sexual innuendo here)

* Sure, with an ounce of web-savvy you could just look all this shit up, but where�s the fun in that?

And now, the lists:



ACTORS
A) Billy Zabka
B) Joe Don Baker
C) Tawny Kitaen
D) Tom Wilson
E) Robert Romanus
F) Jerry Levine
G) E.G. Daily
H) Clancy Brown
I) Michael Winslow
J) Demian Slade
K) Vincent Schiavelli
L) Paul Gleason
M) Ilan Michael Smith
N) William Atherton
O) Donna Dixon
P) M. Emmet Walsh
Q) Marc Singer
R) Taylor Negron
S) R. Lee Ermey
T) Deborah Foreman
U) Jeffrey Jones
V) Billie Bird

______________________________


CHARACTERS
1) �Albert Emperato�
2) �Biff Tanner�
3) �Buford Pusser�
4) �Coach Turnbull�
5) �Dar�
6) �Mike Damone�
7) �Dottie�
8) �Dr. Karen Boyer�
9) �Gunnery Sargeant Hartman�
10) �Dorothy Baker, aka Grandma�
11) �Johnny Gasparini, paperboy�
12) �Johnny Lawrence�
13) �Julie�
14) "Prof. Jerry Hathaway"
15) �Cadet Larvell Jones�
16) �Debbie�
17) �Mr. Fargas�
18) �Principal Ed Rooney�
19) "Stiles"
20) �Richard 'Dick' Vernon�
21) "Kurgen"
22) �Wyatt Donnelly�

______________________________


MOVIES
a) Bachelor Party
b) Back to School
c) Back to the Future
d) Beastmaster
e) Better Off Dead
f) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
g) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
h) Ferris Bueller's Day Off
i) Full Metal Jacket
j) Highlander
k) Pee Wee's Big Adventure
l) Police Academy
m) Punchline
n) Real Genius
o) Sixteen Candles
p) Spies Like Us
q) Teen Wolf
r) The Breakfast Club
s) The Karate Kid
t) Valley Girl
u) Walking Tall
v) Weird Science



Enjoy getting absolutely nothing productive done today!

Tower of Hubris presents: LEGENDS OF PERIPHERAL SUPERSTARDOM!


Everybody needs a hobby, right? Some people enjoy bird watching; others are fond of spotting �punch buggies�. Me, I�m obsessed with pointing out what I call �Peripheral Superstars�, or �That Guys�. A Peripheral Superstar is an actor who�s made a career out of playing small-yet-memorable roles in film and television without ever becoming a household name�the kind of actor that makes you point at the screen and say �Hey, that guy!� And then, when no one around you knows who the hell you're referring to, you might add �You know, that guy!�.

You�re probably thinking, �Oh, you mean a character actor, like Ned Beatty?� Well, yeah...sort of. One could argue that Ned Beatty is the quintessential Peripheral Superstar, based on his mug-happy performances in roles such as: Lex Luthor�s bumbling pal Otis in the first two Superman films, Jackie Gleason�s sycophantic right hand man in The Toy and money-grubbing university administrator Dean Martin in Back to School. But I think Ned Beatty�s infamous backwoods deflowering in Deliverence and the latent-homo-fratboy-icon status that he acquired in its wake gave Mr. Beatty a degree of name recognition that places him outside the realm of Peripheral Superstardom.

No, I�m talking more about someone like Curtis Armstrong. Who, you ask? And that�s my point: you absolutely know who Curtis Armstrong is. No, seriously�you think you don�t, but you do. Remember the guy who advised a young Tom Cruise that sometimes �you�ve just got to say �what the fuck��? How about �Charles De Mar�, John Cusack�s best friend in Better Off Dead? 'Booger� from Revenge of the Nerds? Yep. Now you remember: that guy. Meet Curtis Armstrong, peripheral superstar.

A Peripheral Superstar can also be someone who had a couple of ostensibly star-making roles early in his/her career, only to eventually drift into semi-obscurity. For example: thought about Michael Shoeffling lately? No, you say? Well that's funny, because if you�re a heterosexual woman between the ages of 22-37, I guarantee that you at one point desperately wanted to make out with him. Perhaps you imagined that you'd one day walk out of a church and find him waiting for you, leaning casually against a red sportscar, the sound of The Thompson Twins playing faintly in the background. He'd escort you to his beautiful mansion, sit you down on the dining room table in front of a birthday cake and invite you to make a wish. But you wouldn't need to, because it had already come true (MUSIC RISES. ROLL CREDITS.) Yes, Michael Shoeffling is the Peripheral Superstar better known as Sixteen Candles' Jake Ryan.

Side note, here: I think one of the reasons people my age aren�t getting/staying married is that women are all secretly hoping to find a Jake Ryan and are crestfallen to discover that most guys are Long Duk Dongs.

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Hmmm. I know I promised you kids a quiz, but this is getting long and I have lots of crap to do this afternoon. Therefore, I think I�ll put the quiz off until tomorrow and give you slackers one last chance to study. But make sure you check back tomorrow for The PSAT: The Peripheral Superstar Achievement Test! Prepare to have your entire day ruined, bitches!

Sorry I'm a bit late with posting something today. I'm working on a fun and potentially infuriating quiz for you. Should be done relatively soon.

I think I'll lay the funny stuff aside for today, for rather obvious reasons.

Have a peaceful day. Go do something unexpectedly nice for someone.

Jennifer Capriati follow-up

As many of you know, there's a way to find out how many "hits" Tower of Hubris gets every day by clicking on the sitemeter at the bottom of the page. Once there, you can also determine from whence people came by clicking on 'By Referrals'. As you can see, a good number of people visit T.O.H. for the first time by following a link posted on someone else's page. But nearly as many (if not more) arrive via Google searches.

It's always a source of amusement for me to click on any referral with the word 'Google' in it, to see what exactly that person was searching for. Often it's porn, and it's usually the kind of weirdo shit that you're not going to find at www.boobies.com. For example, a couple of months ago someone stumbled upon T.O.H. after doing a search for "mother+pussy+fart". Though I can't say for certain what this guy was looking for (actually, I'm pretty sure I can say what he was looking for, but I choose not to), I guarantee you he didn't find it on this site. It's kind of funny (if potentially scarring) to imagine some oily shut-in huddled in front of his computer, weiner in hand, seeing my site pop up on his Google search and thinking "JACKPOT!", only to be sorely disappointed upon reading a semi-amusing anecdote about some 'motherfucking pussy who farted on the N train'.

I also find that I get a good number of referrals whenever I reference something topical. I still get hits from people looking up wifebeating professional wrestler 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, based on a blog entry from over three months ago. (Interesting side note: 90% of the Google searches on my sitemeter for Stone Cold Steve Austin have contained at least one misspelled word) So when I checked my "hits" last night and saw that I was having my most trafficked week ever, I knew there had to be a reason. And that reason is Jennifer Capriati's train wreck of a face and nearly unclad torso.

As you may recall, I wrote something this past Friday about Jennifer Capriati's bra-only party photo in last week's NY Daily News. Well, as you can see from my 'referrals', that little reference has resulted in dozens and dozens of Google hits, all with search entries like "Jennifer+Capriati+topless" and "Capriati+partying+bra". Now, it's possible that all of these people all found that picture so hilariously unflattering that they wanted to research it for comedy purposes. But it's likely that at least a few of these guys (and let's be honest, they're all guys) actually have a prurient interest in seeing Jennifer Capriati naked. Yeah, I know. Bizarre, right?

Look, I understand that there is something very hot about female tennis players. Without even mentioning Anna Kournikova (with those two words, I just racked up another 540 hits), I could go on for hours singing the praises of Martina Hingis, Daniela Hantuchova, and even fascist-loving cutie Jelena Dokic. With this bevy of WTA masturbatory fodder, why on god's green earth would you seek out a horribly unflattering photo of Jennifer Capriati? Christ, I'd sooner spank it to Boris Becker.

Seriously, if you've stumbled upon this page looking for sexy photos of Jennifer Capriati, stop! For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT MASTURBATE TO JENNIFER CAPRIATI!!! Think about what you're doing to yourself--and to your parents! You have so much to live for!!!!

I invite all of you Capriati fetishists to click on 'comments' link below and tell me exactly what exactly you find so captivating about this woman. And what were your reasons for Googling her new+york+topless+photo, assuming there are reasons other than simple horniness?

Please, inquiring minds want to know. Operators are standing by to talk you down off the sexual ledge.

Today's entry is devoted to Quentin Tarantino, who's currently editing his new film, Kill Bill. This comedy noir thriller about a hip female assassin tracking down the men who left her for dead appears to be the perfect film for our time--assuming, of course, that the time you're referring to is Spring of 1995. Still, I'm here to help. So in the spirit of artistic collaboration, I offer up:


Songs Quentin Tarantino Can Use Ironically to Underscore New Scenes of Tired, "Post Modern" Movie Violence:


"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

"The Streak" by Ray Stevens

"More Than This" by Roxy Music

"C'est La Vie" by Robbie Neville

"Making Plans for Nigel" by XTC

"Mr. Telephone Man" by New Edition

"On the Wings of Love" by Jeffrey Osbourne

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something

"Pocket Calculator" by Kraftwerk

"Toy Soldiers" by Martika

"You Should Hear How She Talks About You" by Melissa Manchester

"Miracle of Miracles" by Bock & Harnick (from Fiddler on the Roof)

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy

"When the Children Cry" by White Lion

"Happy Birthday" (Trad.)

DOYLESTOWN ROCK CITY!

I just got back from doing blow in a limousine jacuzzi with Nikki Sixx and Jenna Jameson! This town is crazy!

Actually, I'm at the "Cyber Stop Internet Cafe", next to four uberdorks playing some fantasy roleplaying game. They're all on different terminals, linked together on a network kind of deal. Either they haven't noticed me or they're so secure in their weenie-hood that they're perfectly comfortable barking Dungens and Dragons-esque instructions at each other with a stranger sitting no more than six feet away. Even better, they're all wearing headphones so that they can hear the game audio, which means they're basically yelling to each other.

Here are a few of the random statements I've heard bellowed in the last ten minutes:

"PURSUE THEM! PURSUE THEM ACROSS THE PLAINS!!"

"GRAB THAT GAUNTLET OF OGRE STRENGTH!"

"RING OF REGENERATION! YEAH, BABY!!!" ('Yeah, baby' spoken with hilarious Austin Powers accent)

"SHIT! I ATTACKED MY OWN LEADER!"

"I'M GETTING MY CHIEFTAIN BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!! WITH ALL HIS GOODIES!!"

"YELLOW ELVES, THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!"

"I'M GOING TO MOVE DOWN TO THAT MERCENARY CAMP--THAT SHOULD BE OUR STAGING POINT!"

"TELEPORT! TELEPORT!! TELEPORT!!!"

"THAT IS SO COOL--I NOW HAVE TWO RINGS OF REGENERATION!!!"


What a bunch of pathetic nerds.

Ok, I have to run. One more gig tonight, then I take the bus back to NYC tomorrow morning. I can't wait to get home so I can play some Grand Theft Auto.

You wanna piece of my heart? You betta start from the start!

I'm about to head out to the genuinely scenic town of Doylestown, PA for a weekend of stand-up comedy madness. I will try to check in from "the road". But if that's not possible, I'll talk to you schlongfloggers Sunday evening.

In the meantime, MASTER THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Feeling mean today

Apparently, Friends star Matthew Perry is dating resurgent tennis bad girl Jennifer Capriati, leading me to believe that Perry must still be on drugs. Seriously, have you looked at Capriati lately? On Page 2 of today's NY Daily News, there's a picture of her partying down in some bar, clad only in a bra, and I can safely say it's the most unerotic nearly-topless photo ever taken. She looks like she just took an Andy Roddick backhand to the face.

I'm not saying she's unattractive, but in the "Jennifer Capriati's Face Open", Ugly took Good Looking in straight sets.

By way of comparison, ADVANTAGE: JOHN MERRICK.

Last night, Kelly Clarkson was officially voted our new 'American Idol'. I found this personally disappointing, as I was really pulling for The Golden Calf. Or, at the very least, that Hawaiian necklace thingy that made Greg Brady wipe out on his surfboard. Still, congratulations to Ms. Clarkson. I've never seen a full episode of American Idol--it conflicts with my favorite show--but that Sideshow Bob kid smiles too much. Bring it down a tad, Nancyboy. He looks like the kind of guy who would step out of the shower to pee.

What you probably don't know is that there were a number of write in votes during last night's competition. As expected, finalists Kelly and Justin placed 1st and 2nd, respectively. But coming in a close 3rd?

Jazz guitarist Pat Metheny.

This guy at my temp job just said "It's like I always say: I take the work we do seriously, but I don't take myself seriously."

What do you mean, 'you always say'? Just how often does a guy need to publicly clarify his easygoing status? My feeling is, if you've felt the need to assure people that you don't take yourself seriously more than three times in your life, it's not true. People who actually are easygoing don't feel the need to try and convince people of that fact. In fact, it seems to me that only an asshole would say something like that. What a dick!

Hope he doesn't Google me.

ORDER NOW!

Hey fellas! Jealous that some douchebag at the end of the bar just started making out with that cute girl in the �Charlie�s Angels� baby tee who shot you down twenty minutes ago? Wish you could make him feel as lonely and pathetic as you do? Well, do something about it with The Official Christian Finnegan Home Cockblocking Kit�! Bars, nightclubs, laundramats, dog runs�wherever young people gather to meet that �special someone�, you�ll be there to fuck shit up! Why pay pricey professionals to do your cockblocking for you when it's so easy to take matters into your own hands? Just butt into a couple of would-be lovers� conversation, implement these simple tools, and watch the sparks stop flying!

Contained in the Christian Finnegan Home Cockblocking Kit:

* 1 remote controlled �fart� noise maker

* 1 �FREE MOUSTACHE RIDES� t-shirt

* 1 giant bag of Cool Ranch Doritos

* 12 fake scabs (6 pus-y, 6 non pus-y)

* 1 issue of Juggs magazine

* 1 copy of �The Portable Monty Python��start quoting aloud from this baby and the pheromones will soon go bye-bye!

* 1 pair of urine-soaked khakis

and, perhaps most useful of all,

* 52 official Christian Finnegan �Hit and Run� flashcards

Sometimes you�re not going to be able to put in the time necessary to ensure a thorough cockblock. Or, perhaps you�d like to perform multiple cockblocks over the course of a single evening. That�s where my patented �Hit and Run Flashcards� come in! Each card contains a pithy one-liner guaranteed to render an aspiring Casanova unfuckable. Once you �accidently� reveal a little personal information about your intended target, that sexy babe (who, let�s be honest, should really be having sex with you) won�t want anything to do with him! Here are just a few �Hit and Run� examples:

�Wow, it�s great to see you�re finally dating women again!�

�Oh, I meant to tell you�Fed Ex finally delivered that Nazi memorabilia you ordered.�

�Jesus, who farted?!�

�Look man, if you want to just fall off the wagon any time you feel like it, fine. But I�m through being your sponsor!�

�Look, hasn�t this gone on long enough? Call your damn wife.�

�Yeah dude, I see what you mean.� (To be said while looking the woman over with an expression of faint disgust.)

�See you at tomorrow night�s Dungeons and Dragons tourney, Lord Thunderling!�

and the elegant classic,

�Hey man, how�s that rash?�

Place your orders now, folks! These babies are going like hotcakes! Don't let one more day go by with you being the only guy not getting laid! Order now! ORDER NOW!! ORDER NOW!!!

I think I've finally found my hero!

(Yeah, I'm aware just posting links is pretty weak, but I've been a tad busy this holiday weekend. My apologies. I promise I'll post something more substantial tomorrow.)

Good afternoon, students.

I'd like a 75 word essay on this by Tuesday morning.

(Thank you, Andres, for the link.)