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Okay, so let's just skip the part where I apologize for not posting in two weeks, okay? Life is short, and none of us need another round of soul searching, I-promise-I'm-going-to-post-every-day-from-now-on bullshit. I've been on vacation from my brain and that's that. Rather than re-hash my almost completed (thank christ) holiday season--maybe I'll do that sometime soon, maybe not--I want to talk about another couple of random things.

First off, what does it say that the feeling of dizzying euphoria I used to get from spotting a woman with a fantastic ass is now reserved for the moment when I open my mailbox and seeing the new Pottery Barn catalogue? Oh wait, I know exactly what it says: I've metamorphasized into a middle-aged queen. That's what being in a longterm relationship does to you, fellas--it turns you into a fag.

In other news, there was an item in today's Daily News about two Long Island women who were using their hot dog van as a de facto whorehouse. In between selling hot dogs, french fries and knishes, they would invite dudes into the back of the can and perform sex acts upon them. Pretty funny, eh? You probably think I could have a field day with a story like this, being that I am a stand-up comedy professional. Well...not necessarily. You see, this kind of story is what I like to call "Comedic Fool's Gold". A story about two chicks using a "weiner wagon" (the Daily News' term, not mine) as a...well, weiner wagon is so ridiculous, so immediately comedy-ready, that it becomes too easy a target. You see, the role of a comedian is to take a topic that's universal, mundane, or even tragic and find the humor in it. It is this ability that separates the gifted social satirist from Jay Leno's opening monlogue on The Tonight Show. Sure, maybe you can get laughs out of it for a day or two, but before long you're competing with Kevin, the guy from Accounting who thinks he's hilarious. Of course, there are many comics (the cast majority, really) who ignore this unspoken rule. They say "fuck it, a laugh's a laugh". In the stand up comedy business, we call these people "hacks". A hack is a comic who spends the bulk of his time on stage telling jokes that any corporate drone/TV anchorman/Jay Leno is capable of telling, or has in fact already told. He'd so a bit wher the punchline would be something like, "Hey, nothing a lady likes more than a foot-long!" or perhaps "For an extra ten bucks, they put your weiner inbetween a couple of buns!". Or, if you're someone's dad, maybe you'd go the pun route, a la "Wow, there's an opportunity I'd relish!"

Hey...wait a minute...that's genius! Watch out, world--someone's just added a new bit to his A-List!

I WANT THINGS

Look, I realize there are only eleven or so shopping days left until Christmas and you guys are probably saying to yourselves, "What does Christian want? How will I show him how important he is to me during this very special holiday season?!" Well, fear not, kids--allow me to take the guess work out of it for you. I know it's a bit tacky, but rather than end up with a bunch of stuff I don't want, I've taken the time to list a few of the items I'm hoping to receive from...well, you. So get buying, people!

MY 2004 CHRISTMAS LIST:

* Sharper Image (tm) Ballsack Demagnetizer

* A signed copy of "Fuckstain Heart Attack: The Collected Poems of Huey Lewis"

* "Undead Noregian Assholes III: Blood Spurten" for Xbox

* Apple's new "iBong"

* $50 Gift certificate from "Functional Dildo Mart"

* One year subscription to "Office Bathroom Stall Nap Enthusiast" magazine

* "Mr. Dialysis" Home Kidney Failure Kit (Ages 3 and Up)

* Candycane codpiece

* 18" of actor Rene Auberjonois used dental floss

* A faithful rendering of Van Gogh's "Waterlillies" using only earwax and boogers

* The book-on-tape version of The Holy Qu'ran, read by a drunken Nick Nolte

* Perspective

THE MOST EFFECTIVE PLUG OF ALL TIME

Look, I ain't gonna beg. I'm just going to say that if you miss tonight's installment of 'Sob Stories" (see below for details)...well, you're a bad person. The theme is "Holiday Cheer" so if you don't show up, I guess we'll be left to assume that you have some sort of problem with the holliday season--a time when families, friends and loved ones put aside their petty grievances and join together in our common hope for peace on earth and goodwill towards men. . "But I live in Wisconsin," you're saying. "Surely you can't expect me to fly to New York for a comedy show!" And to this, my answer is: if world peace and goodwill toward men meant a goddamn fucking thing to you, you'd find a way to be there.

Thanks for ruining Christmas, asshole.

We Interrupt Your Regular Broadcast

Hello Tower of Hubris readers. Kambri Crews, here. Here is an update on two upcoming shows in which you can see your beloved Christian Finnegan perform in chronological order:

My Coolest Years premieres this weekend on VH1. Christian Finnegan will appear in the episodes Summer Vacation and First Time, premiering Sunday, December 5th at 12:30 PM and Saturday, December 11th at 10:00 PM, respectively. Click here for additional air dates/times.

Sob Stories, with Christian hosting, will feature guests Lizz Winstead (creator of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart), Rob Huebel ("Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man" and a million commercials -- a most excellent story-teller), Ophira Eisenberg (Premium Blend, Us Weekly Fashion Police) and Seth Morris (UCB all star).

Here's the promotional blurb that subscribers received along with this picture that ran in Time Out NY:

Going home for the holidays? Get a preview of the horrors that await you at this month's Sob Stories, as comics recount tales of undercooked turkeys, humilating family reunions, lame presents and a host of other holiday disappointments.

The Marquee
356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St)
8:00 PM
$5.00 - NO drink minimum!
This month's theme: Holiday Cheer

We're really hoping to pack the audience this time around for this consistently excellent show. So grab a friend and come on down.

If you want to be notified of updates like these, please join the list. We won't sell your information and you'll receive about two or three emails a month. Check out the last newsletter which has information on a free movie screening and more.

And, just for fun, my new favorite photo of me and Christian taken at the Jeff Foxworthy Roast after party at Strata which will grace the front of our Christmas cards:

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.