Christian appeared on The Today Show last Friday and Matt Lauer snuck in a couple of zingers of his own regarding Tom Cruise. AOL picked the clip as a Top 5 TV moment from Friday. Poll results show it in the lead as the favorite clip with a whopping 69% of votes.

Watch the video.

MEDIA BLITZ DE LA FINNY (plus one joke)

Howdy, friendlies.

Shall I go into the whole "sorry i haven't posted in a long time" crap again? Nah--I fear the resulting massive eye-rolling that would follow could result in injury.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, this posting comes in four parts, the last of which will be a genuine joke of sorts--maybe not the funniest joke I've ever written, but Im hoping it will take the self-serving edge of this largely promotional missive.

Alright, let's get to it!

1) I will be appearing on the Today Show tomorrow morning (Friday, December 9th), along with my fellow Best Week Ever-ers Chuck Nice and Sherrod Small. I'm not exactly sure where our segment will be slotted, but it usually falls somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30am. Tune in to chek out the flirtaciously awkward dynamic I have with Katie Couric (I've told Katie I have a girlfriend, but the poor girl, but she just can't stop calling me). FYI, Sherrod, Chuck and I will be promoting tomorrow night's debut of the one-hour "Best Year Ever" special on VH1 (check your local listings!).

2) On Tuesday, December 13th I will be taping an episode of Friday Nights with Greg Giraldo. Greg will be interviewing me, showing embarrasing old photos of me and most assuredly insulting me in a variety of ways. You don't want to miss it! If you'd like to be in the studio audience (please please please), e-mail freegreggiraldotix@yahoo.com for FREE TICKETS. Make sure you include your name, age, phone number, what week(s) you would like to attend and how many tickets you'd like.

The studio is located at 222 East 44th between 2nd and 3rd Ave in New York City. Arrival time is between 5:45 and 6:15 pm and the show finishes around 8:15 pm.

3) From Wednesday 12/14 through Saturday 12/17, I will be appearing at the world-famous Laff Stop in Houston, TX. If you live in the Houston area, come on out to a show. It should be a great weekend, considering that the highlight of my offstage time will be a daytrip with Kambri to visit her father, who is a currently a resident of the Huntsville State Penitentiary. Say hello to twenty new minutes of material! Anyway, the Houston Press published an interview with me in today's edition and I must say, it's a pretty good one. READ IT HERE!


4) Okay, here goes:

Here's something that's been bothering me lately: what exactly is the difference between a fact and a factoid? I was watching something on the History Channel about publishing and as they went to commerical, the screen read, "FACTOID: The first crossword puzzle was published in December 1913". Okay, I guess that's what you might call a 'factoid'. but you know what else it is? A fact. So I guess what makes it a factoid is that it's pointless and kind of stupid? I guess that sort of makes sense, as you never hear someone using factoids in life or death situations. you're never going to hear a trial attorney say, "The evidence clearly shows that my client was nowhere near the bowling alley on the night of the triple-murder. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a FACTOID!"

So I guess a factoid is just a fact that makes you say, "Hmm...that's kind of interesting. I wonder what else is on?"

Blog entry complete!

You watch them every Friday night on VH1 and now you can start your Friday morning with them on the Today Show!

Tune in this Friday, December 9th to see Christian Finnegan and two other top Best Week Ever panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture.

HEY, YOU

Gothamist Interviewed Christian. Read the whole thing here.

Also, tonight at tomorrow is Best Week Ever Live at UCB Theater. Here's the plug:
You watch them every Friday on VH1 and now you can watch them LIVE! See Best Week Ever's top panelists slice and dice their way through the week's big stories in pop culture. They won't have the crutch of basic cable production values -- it's nothing but raw nerve and sharp wit in this workshop production.

Starring Christian, Doug Benson, Paul Scheer and Danielle Schneider.

November 9th & 10th
UCB Theater
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY
212.366.9176
9:30 PM
Tickets: $8.00 - Buy Online

WHEN IN DOUBT...

...post a picture of yourself kissing a chimp.

FIGHT THE POWER (Or, if not "fight", whine about the power in a standard elitist manner)

So rumors are afoot that our Vice President may step down if he's indicted in this whole CIA leak thingy. I sincerely doubt this is true, but if so, I'm sure it's all just some Machiavellian plan to groom a Republican candidate in 2008 whose name isn't "John McCain". But I do see one indisputable upside for Cheney, if he steps down--he'll finally be able to reveal to the world that he's actually The Penguin from the old "Batman" TV show.'

To be honest, I've always felt a kinship with the Vice President. Have you ever watched Cheney's face while Dubya is giving a speech? He gets this tense, awkward smile on his face--it's a look I think many men recognize. It's the look you get when you're dating a woman whom you get along with well in private, but you're always afraid to bring her to a party because of the stupid shit that might come out of her mouth. You know how it is--the sex is good, she laughs at your jokes, makes you feel cool. But then you introduce her your friends and she starts telling them about how much she loves the novels of Anne Rice. Suddenly that tense Dick Cheney smile sweeps across your face and you're whispering, "Oh my god, you're such an idiot. Please shut the fuck up. Please...please...please..." through your teeth. And then, if you're Dick Cheney, you fly away on an umbrella.

Oh, and for the record, I'm sure that you women have dated guys who have elicited the same feeling of public awkwardness. But I can't really speak to that, as I've never dated a dude (regardless of what you'd think watching me play sports). But as was my original point, I'm sure our glorious president's prom date experienced similar feelings of discomfort and embarrassment.

Bush is a tool, but honestly I think every president is set up to fail. It's the downside of Democracy. Seriously, do you think "Two Party System" is really what The Founders had in mind? In our system, you have half of all elected officials desperately trying to cockblock the other half. Yeah, you can talk about civil service and bipartisanship, but when it gets right down to it, a politician's career is 100% dependent on the guys on the other side of the aisle sucking just a little bit harder than you do.

For example: last week the Iraqi constitution passed, which is a good thing...in theory. Sure, the democrats said all the right things ("This is a great day for Democracy, blah blah blah"), but you know inside they were all screaming "FUCK! Why did it have to go well?! Couldn't there have been a terrorist incident, or something?! You know, no casualties or anything--just enough to fuck shit up a little!" You could see it while they were being interviewed--the Democrats all sounded the way you do when you find out your ex-girlfriend is having sex with someone new. "Oh, the Iraqi constitution passed? I was so busy working on education bill, I didn't even notice! But that's great...you know, about the consitution... About time something went right over there, know what I mean? I mean, the whole situation is a clusterfuck and it will probably explode into violence at any moment. But you know. . .good for them. No, seriously. I wish them the best. Oh, and our economy still sucks, by the way--just in case anyone forgot."

It's not that Democrats want the the new Iraqi government to fail outright; they just want the situation to stay unstable until they can get one of their guys (or Hillary) into the White House, at which point they will magically begin describing The New Iraq as a land of dewdrops and candy canes. Republicans are no different, of course. Remember all of the "shame and disappointment" Republicans claimed with regard to Clinton's poontang-ery? Horseshit. Hell, they could barely contain themselves, their joy was so palpable. If there had been a camera trained on Trent Lott's face when he heard about the infanmous jizz-stained dress, we'd have seen the reaction not of a man horrified by presidential abuse of power, but that of a gleeful child on Christmas morning. "A jizz-stained dress?! For me?!!! It's so...beautiful!! THANK YOU, SANTY CLAUS!!!"

But I suppose we get the government we deserve. I truly believe that Democracy is the best way to go, but let's be hones--it ain't perfect. Am I the only person who finds it odd that the leader-of-the-free-fucking-world is chosen, in part, by the same people who made Steven Segal a millionaire? You're telling me I get the exact same say in who controls our military as the chick who spent three hours on the phone trying to get Bo Bice into the semifinals? This is serious stuff her--we have soldiers dying in Fallujah because millions of Americans decided they wanted a president who could "Git 'R Done". We have to put some controls in place here. After all, convicted felons aren't allowed to vote, so it's not like we're above deciding who's "worthy" of participating in the electoral process. I think it's high time we made a few other tweaks in the equation. For instance, if you own an Ashlee Simpson CD, you should not be allowed to vote. Or if you currently have a subscription to InStyle Magazine. Or if in the past four years you've paid to see a movie featuring more than one Wayans brother--I'm sorry, but you cannot be counted on for sound judgment. Here are a few other automatic electoral DQ's:

* If you have, in the last twelve calendar months, burped and blown it into someone's face

* If you are a college graduate yet still regularly use 'emoticons'.

* If that "Proud to Be an American" song has ever left you misty-eyed

* If you watched the "Biker Boyz" DVD extras

* If you have ever simultaneously worn denim jeans, a denim jacket and (most importantly) a denim shirt

Call your local representatives, people--let's make this happen!


P.S. This kind of shit is what made that Marine want to kick my ass. (see below).

BAD 'BAMA JAMMA

I'm currently in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm performing all weekend at a rather beautiful comedy club known as the "Stardome". The weather has been nice, the other comics on the bill are funny and cool, and all of the staff has been friendly and helpful. Why, you could almost say it's been the perfect comedy weekend!

Oh, did I mention during Friday night's show, eight staff members had to physically drag a drunk Marine out of the showroom before he could climb onto the stage and kick my ass? No? I didn't mention that? Oh, we all that happened, too.

I can't tell you how surreal the whole thing was. I was about fifteen minutes into my set when a guy stood up and yelled something toward/at me. I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, so I said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sir, but I forgot to bring my Drunk-to-English dictionary with me". People laughed, and the guy got really furious. He started yelling "I'M A MARINE! I'M A MARINE!" This was not a shock to me, as I'd heard someone yell this during the emcee's set, albeit in a far more affable tone. I apologized for making fun of his non-sobriety and invited the audience to give him a round of applause in appreciation of his military service. This choice was inspired both my genuine admiration for our men and women in uniform and by my sincere desire to not get my ass kicked.

Okay, more the latter than the former, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm honestly assuming this was going to be the end of it. But then he begins to approach the stage, inspiring members of the staff to sweep in from various corners of the room. The Marine is now screaming, "I'VE SPENT TWO YEARS IN IRAQ! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!" I suppose the subtext here is, "I fought for your freedom of speech, so now I'm going to kick your ass for speaking freely."

At this point, things get physical. The guy has grabbed on to a railing, as staff members try to drag the guy towards the door. They had help from the dude's two Marine buddies, who for the record seemed genuinely embarrassed by their friend's behavior. At this point, I had to start cracking jokes, because the audience was just sitting there, dumbfounded. The more jokes I would make, the more insanely determined this guy was to pummel the living shit out of me. I cannot stress this enough--this man absolutely would have put me in the hospital. The whole ordeal lasted a solid 5-7 minutes, which felt like a fucking eternity. As he was being "ushered" out, he kept yelling, "I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE!!!" Once things calmed down, I got a good amount of laughs talking about the ordeal, and I think everyone was relieved when I got back to doing my prepared material. Still, the event had a rather chilling effect on the set as a whole (go figure!). By the end of my set, people were ready to go home--if for no other reason than so they could get to the business of telling people about how they almost saw a stand up comedian get murdered onstage.

I should mention that the staff were prepared for this guy to be a problem from the get-go. He'd shown up drunk and by the time I took the stage, had been "cut off" by the manager, which is usually when the problems start. And the manager told me when they dragged the guy out to his car, there were two empty bottles of vodka on the floor! Yee-haw! But I have to assume there was something about me specifically that set him off.

Now this is the part where I'd like to make it sound like that this guy hated me because my material was so cutting edge--that I was so unrelenting in my critique of our government and culture that it made this grunt's head explode. A lot of New York liberal elitists would take a potentially violent attack by an Alabama redneck as a sign of indie cred. But the truth is, I had kind of de-balled my set in anticipation of playing to Birmingham crowds. I had smoothed all the rough edges, removed just about anything I thought might be a bit too "problematic" for conservative Bush-loving Alabamans--to the extent that I didn't feel 100% excited about the set I'd put together. But I'm trying to establish myself as a headliner, and The Stardome is very well-regarded club, blah blah blah blah blah....

I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, I really want to be the kind of comic who can entertain any crowd--I really get frustrated with many of my NYC comic peers who can make a bunch of 20-something hipsters laugh, but feel "above" trying to reach the other 96% of the country. You can have mass appeal without being a total hack--Chris Rock manages it. So does Dave Chappelle. And Ellen DeGeneres. But then on the other hand, when playing a city like Birmingham, I feel like I'm forced to play with half a deck. It's not just political material you have to avoid, it's also anything even remotely of-the-moment, culturally. Tonight I asked how many people in the audience owned an iPod. You would have thought I'd presided over a lesbian wedding while simultaneously performing a third-trimester abortion on stage. I don't yet have the career currency to do exactly the set I want to do without consideration of where I'm performing, who I'm performing for, etc.--you can't really get away with that until audiences are coming out to see you, specifically. Remember, George Carlin and Richard Pryor didn't reinvent the wheel until after they'd already become pretty famous using...well, the regular wheel.

Of course, I'm sure that's what lots of hacks tell themselves.

The point is, I was hardly going out of my way to provoke the Birmingham crowd. Still, I guess there must have been something I said to inspire Semper Fi's rage. The disruption started when I was tackling an extremely controversial subject: the board game Monopoly. But I imagine his anger probably started about five minutes earlier when I did a very short, very tame bit about America being like a high school bully. I opted not to point out to the crowd that this guy, someone charged with representing our nation to the citizens of the world, wanted to combat my "bully" premise b y beating the shit out of me. But honestly, I don't think that one thirty-second bit was enough to set him off. No, I think there was just something about me, the way I choose to form sentences that made him say, "Hey, this guy's not one of us". I think I must give off a pungent "Yankee Faggot" scent.

So there you have it--one of the stranger gigs I've had in...well, weeks. Ahhhhh, comedy!

ILL HUMORED

Because I'm a professional comedian, people often think that if they hang out with me in real life, I'm going to be a thrill-a-minute laugh riot 24 hours a day. They don't understand that if I was able to be brilliant and off-the-cuff in my everyday life, I may have never gone into comedy. You see, most people become comedians not because they love life and want to bring the gift of laughter to everyone they meet. We become comedians because we have a deep-seeded hatred of our fellow man but lack the balls to confront these feelings in our day to day life. Instead, we stew silently about the various things that annoy us until such a time when we can spew our hatred into a microphone for the passive enjoyment of 14 tourists on a Wednesday night. So people are understandably disappointed when they hang out with me after the show and I'm just standing there making small talk and getting drunk. I know people want to be entertained, but you have to remember: there's a word for someone who feels the need to be funny 24 hours a day. It's "asshole". And he probably works in the sales department of your office.

People have all sorts of wrong ideas about what's funny. And for some reason, the least funny people in the world always think they're hilarious. I love it when someone tells you a lame joke and then, when you don't laugh, they'll get mad at you. They will actually accuse you of not having a sense of humor--as if having a sense of humor means laughing at any moronic lawyer joke Email some jackass in your office forwards you. Whenever someone does this, I am forced to explain, "Douchebag, it's precisely my sense of humor that stops me from laughing at your shitty jokes. You see, I have a sense . . . of humor. Here's the deal: If and when you provide some genuine humor . . . I will sense it. Until then, go file something.

FASHION SHOW

A couple of days ago, I saw an elderly man wearing a skipper hat. That's kind of an underappreciated look, isn't it? A skipper hat says, "I'm in control. I can handle any situation. Either that, or I'm mentally retarded." I actually found the hat kind of comforting, seeing as this particular elderly gent was sitting across the aisle from me on an airplane. I figured if shit started to go down--terrorism, mechanical failure, et cetera--I could turn to him and yell, "DO SOMETHING, CAP'N!!!"

So the skipper hat was a bold choice, but what really made this guy's outfit was his sweatshirt. It was plain white, with a couple of random spaghetti sauce stains. But on the front was printed, "IT'S NOT AN EMPTY NEST UNTIL THEY GET THEIR STUFF OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Yeah, you said it, grandpa! Zing! Take that, whippersnappers! What is the age where one completely stops giving a shit about he looks in public? When do you stop picking out clothes that you think "make a statement" and start wearing sweatshirts that actually make statements? I want to think this guy simply doesn't care about what he wears, and not that he picked that sweatshirt out on purpose. I don't want to imagine this guy walking into Spencer Gifts and declaring, "Yes! I have found the sweatshirt I've been looking for all these years! This garment aptly describes what it's like to have adult children who have moved out of your home and yet still don't display the proper level of responsibility! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!!"

Then again, I'm currently wearing a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt, so who am I to judge?

PHOTO ETIQUETTE

I've never understood the things people do in photographs. A friend of mine went to Disneyland recently and he had his picture taken with Goofy. This, in and of itself, is a strange decision for a 34 year old man. But what I really found strange is that my friend felt the need to give the thumbs-up sign in the picture. Why do people do that? What is the message you're trying to get across there? That's like something politicians do. "Ladies and gentleman, I approve of Goofy. Goofy, you're doing a bang-up job. Keep up the good work! Goofy and me, working together for a better America!" The only possible reason I can imagine for a non-politician to give the thumbs-up sign in a picture is if you're trying to let people know you're not being kidnapped. I mean, if you're seven years old and "Goofy" is taking your picture in the back of his windowless van, by all means give us a thumbs-up. "It's okay, mommy and daddy--I'm here of my own free will! Goofy invited me back to his apartment for a wrestling match and if I win I get a Jolly Rancher! Yayyyy!"

Another thing people do in photos is point at the other person in the picture. They'll throw one arm over you in a "he's my bestest buddy in the world" kind of fashion and with the other hand, point at you. This is a an axtremely arrogant and douchebaggy thing to do, as the subtext here is, "Look, I know you're all looking at me, but don't forget...there's somebody else in this picture. Don't forget about this guy. He's cool, too! I mean, probably not as awesome as me, but...well, you get the idea."

And every once in a while, you'll still get people doing the horns-behind-the-head thing. When was that ever funny? It must be a remnant of some distant era, because in the entirety of my life I've never seen it elicit anything but faint disgust and annoyance. In the middle ages, it must have been hilarious for someone to stand behind you while you were having your portrait painted. Then people could by your castle and have a good laugh. "Everyone, gaze upon Duke of Yorkshire! It appears as if he has horns growing out of his skull! Ha ha ha! Oh, how droll! Why, he looks almost like...like...the Devil! Burn him!" So maybe it wasn't a "joke" back then--maybe it was a passive-agressive form of revenge. I guess the modern day equivalent would be if someone was having his picture taken and you somehow slipped a Ku Klux Klan banner in the background.

Actually, that is kind of funny.

BLOG READERS, HEED MY CALL!

Um...hello? Testing... Is this thing on?

Greetings, internet personages. It is I, Christian Finnegan, returning to you after my long self-imposed e-Exile. I have missed you, insomuch as someone can miss snarky anonymous comments about his career, appearance and general demeanor. If you are someone who has been reading this page since "back in the day" (as all the kids are saying), thanks for sticking around--your patience is astounding and perhaps bordering on creepy. If you are someone who stumbled upon my website and wondered what the hell "Tower of Hubris" meant, welcome. This is the page where I used to post lots and lots and lots of random jokes and attempts at profundity. Then it became the page where I would sporadically post random jokes and attempts at profundity, interspered with apologies and promises to write more often. Then it became the page I abandoned utterly, like a pathetic frat boy ducking some homely girl he fucked after a pep rally. And yet, even over the past few months, as I've actively avoided going to my own website for fear of reminding myself of the e-comic I used to be, this page continued to call out to me, like my very own "Telltale Heart". "Chrissstiannn.... Chrisssstiannnn...", it would howl in the night. "Why have you forsaken meeeeeee...? Post somethinnnnnng... Annnythinnnng.... Even one of those stupid pseudo-funny lists you used to do all the timmmmme... Stooooop beeeeeing a diiiiiiiiiick!"

Well, I'm back now. And what has inspired me to post again? I want you all to come out to a show, of course! Silly you for thinking I had no ulterior motive. But in this case, I think you'll forgive me--that is, unless you have no compassion for those affected by Hurricane Katrina (SHAME ON YOU!).

The show in questions is Northern Hospitality: A Benefit for the Bayou. It will be held tomorrow, September 14th, at the beautiful Kraine Theater and all of the proceeds will go directly to the Red Cross. I REALLY REALLY encourage you to come out. The lineup is stellar (including Andres DuBouchet and Co., performing a condensed ten-minute version of "Giant Tuesday Night", the very best sketch comedy show in NYC), and there are going to be some majorly kick-ass raffle prizes, including: a brand-new iPod mini, tickets to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, tickets to Drumstruck, a Comedy Central media & swag basket, t-shirts, a messenger bag and lots, lots more.

If you have been wanting to make a contribution to the relief efforts but just haven't had the time or wherewithal, this is a great and easy way to chip in. For a measley $20, you'll get to see a great show, maybe take home some valuable stuff and know that every penny of your money is being sent to those in need.

Here are the specifics:

NORTHERN HOSPITALITY: A Benefit for the Bayou
Wednesday, Sept. 14th
The Kraine Theater
85 E. 4th Street (btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
New York, NY
212.460.0982

8:00 PM
Admission: $20 at the door

RSVP to rsvp@ballyhoopromotions.net

Please come. Failure to show up will be taken as a sign that you are pro-Hurricane Katrina (you inhuman bastard).

Christian was on The Today Show on August 26, 2005, for a Best Week Ever (VH1) segment. Here are a few things he said to Matt Lauer:

On Brad & Angelina Marriage Rumours
"I'm pretty sure when Brad hooked up with Angelina he wasn’t thinking marriage. She screams, 'transitional relationship'. But with all the negative press, marrying Angelina is the only way to salvage his reputation. It's what is commonly known as 'Soon-Yi Syndrome.'"

On Jerry Seinfeld's New Baby
"Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'"

On the topic of "Girl Crushes," Matt asked if guys can have "Boy Crushes":
"Sure I have a boy crush. I'm not going to tell you who it is but his name rhymes with Bal Broker."

On Britney's Baby:
"Britney wants to name her baby 'Charlie' while Kevin Federline wants to go with 'Meal Ticket.'"

LOOKIE HERE, KIDS!

Anyone who picked up the September 2005 issue of Penthouse saw a nice two page feature interview with Christian. Besides being great exposure (sorry, no pun intended), it's quite possibly his best interview to date. Congratulations, Christian!

Click above for the scanned article.

SET THOSE DVRs

On Tuesday, August 30th at 7:30 PM Comedy Central re-airs Christian's 1/2 hour special. Here's their blurb:

Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan
Christian gets philosophical about Monopoly and gives us his rendition of the "birds & the bees" talk in this half-hour stand-up special.

Christian was on The Today Show back on July 20, 2005. Here are a few things he said to Katie Couric:

On Jude Law having an affair with his children's nanny:

"Getting mad as Jude Law for seducing women is like getting mad at a hamster for running on a wheel. It's what he does."

"What's really sad is somewhere in America a morning radio DJ is putting together a really awful parody of the song 'Hey Jude'."

On Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson getting married for the 3rd time:

"The question here isn't 'Will the bride be wearing white?'- it's 'Will the bride be wearing anything?'"

Entertainment Weekly ran a shortened version this quote from Finnegan commenting on Cameron Diaz having posed for topless photos:

"At this point, I'd be more surprised to find out a star hadn't taken topless photos. I mean, what were we expecting to find out, that Cameron Diaz is secretly a member of Mensa? That someone uncovered her long-lost college thesis?"

[View the Entertainment Weekly scan.]
[Vote for your favorite quote on EW.com.]

Be Part of a Studio Audience!

TV Land Presents: Game Time

TV Land offers what no other network can - TV Satisfaction. Why waste your valuable time flipping around the dial? There's always something on -- time-tested and audience-approved, 24 hours a day.

Be part of a live taping of Game Time, hosted by your favorite comedian, Christian Finnegan.

Monday, August 8, 2005

The Supper Club
240 West 47th Street
New York, NY 10036
2:45pm & 6:15pm

Audience members will be invited on stage, to participate in a series of Jeopardy styled questions focusing on classic TV trivia, shows like I LOVE LUCY, THREE's COMPANY, BEWITCHED, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MUNSTERS, I DREAM OF JEANNIE, LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, THE BRADY BUNCH and ALL IN THE FAMILY. Participation is optional.

The day is broken down into two shoots. The first episode shoots from 2:45-6:00- Snacks and soft drinks provided

The second episode shoots from 6:15-9:30pm Snacks, soft drinks and alcohol provided.

RSVP to me (Kambri) via email at kambri@ballyhoopromotions.net. Include your full name & which taping you'd like to attend. NOTE: Guests MUST be 21 years of age or older.

HOLA, BATFUCKERS!

Hello, honored friends. If/when you go see Batman Begins (and you should--it's pretty damn good), you may be lucky enough to pick up an issue of FLIcK Magazine (available at all Loews, Cinemark and Carmike theaters), which features a gloriously stupid piece by yours truly. Or, you could just go read it online. Here it is:

LESSER KNOWN ITEMS ON BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT

Of course, the editors of FLIcK made some cuts. Here are the gems left out of the final piece:

THE BAT ALLEN WRENCH -- This is used primarily to assemble inexpensive Scandanavian furniture. You'd be surprised how often that comes up.

BATWIPES -- Batman's enemies aren't just evil--they're also dirty. Seriously, have you ever seen the Penguin's secret lair under a black light? Eww. Luckily, Batman has sanitized handwipes to rid himself of those tiny supervillains known as "germs". They also give his latex bodysuit a sexy sheen.

THE BATT-EE CUSION (they included this one in the article, but trimmed it down) -- When you spend your life living in a cave and battling the dark side of human nature, you need a cheap giggle every once in a while. So when Batman wants to lighten the mood, out comes the Batt-ee Cushion. And it doesn't hurt that Robin is so gullible. It usually goes something like, "Holy demolition, Batman! We've got to get to the Batmobile! With that much TNT, the Riddler could blow up the entire--FFRRRRRIPPPPP! ...Okay, you got me. Good one."

THE BAT GUN -- This is just a gun, basically. Not everything has to be some super-wacky gadget, you know. Sometimes Batman just has to shoot some dude.

THE BAT BAT -- For use in the Hall of Justice Intramural Softball League. Some of the other heroes have complained about Batman's high tech equipment, but until a certain you-know-who agrees to stop stealing signals with his x-ray vision, The Dark Knight ain't budging.

MY FATHER, THE TELEVISION STAR

I know this page has been increasingly plug-heavy (and humor-light) over the past few months, but this is one thing I have to mention:

As you may or may not know, Comedy Central airs three and half hours of stand up comedy every Friday night (shows like "Premium Blend", "Comedy Central Presents", etc.). They promote this block of programming under the name "Friday Night Stand-Up"--the same way NBC used to label their Thursday night lineup "Must-See TV". Anyway, Comedy Central often has a comedian or comic actor "host" this Friday night lineup--and by "host", I mean "show up on screen for a minute or two in-between shows and occasinally after commercial breaks to do a bit of schtick". For instance, when my episode of "Comedy Central Presents" premiered a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day, "Friday Night Stand Up" was hosted by the incomperable (and very Irish) Tom Shillue. And just last week, it was hosted by the extremely comparable Cedric "The Entertainer" and Mike Epps, who were promoting their "Honeymooners" re-make (I can't wait to see it!!!!!*).

For this week's installment of "Friday Night Stand Up", Comedy Central decided to go for a father/son angle (being that it's two days before Father's Day, and all). Luckily for me, it appears that I am the only comic in New York City who's on speaking terms with his father. Three cheers for being semi-well adjusted! So a few weeks ago my dad and I were sent out to a miniature golf course in Connecticut, where we filmed all sorts of goofy shit. It all airs tomorrow night (June 17th), starting at 8:30pm and continuing on at various times up until midnight. I've seen the footage and I think it's all really funny. My dad is a very good sport and a surprisingly good straight-man.

In many ways, working on this was the greatest moment of my "career", if for no other reason than how much it seemed to delight my dad. He's always been extremely supportive (emotionally and at times monitarily), so it was cool to kind of return the favor in some small way. And I think he really enjoyed seeing how the TV world operates--granted, at the most spratan, basic-cable level. He's now a bit of a diva, to be honest--he's constantly hanging out at Bungalow 8 and doing blow with Lindsay Lohan's dad

My favorite moment: My dad was kind of overwhelmed at how many people there were milling around the "set". There were probably 15-20 people involved, which really isn't very big at all for a "location shoot". But I think my dad was just expecting it to be me, him, and some guy toting a camcorder. At one point while they were setting up for a shot, he whispered in my ear, "You see that woman who's been standing there all day? The one with the orange scarf? What is her JOB?!" He wasn't being malicious--it was just an innocent question. I then very quietly reminded my dad that he was wearing a lapel mic. We turned towards the crew and everyone wearing a headset started laughing. Sweet.

Anyway, if you's suffering some sort of head trauma and find yourself at home on Friday night, flip over to Comedy Central and check it out. I think there's some genuinely funny shit there.


* Yes, this is a joke.

HOT HOT HEAT (My bi-ennial TOH Posting)

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "Boy, I can't wait for Summer!" and "Fuck THIS shit."? In New York, I think that "Hooray for warm weather" period lasted about five days this year. Now it's all just a sweaty malaise. I don't know what the weather has been like where YOU live, but here in New York City, it's been like a marathon runner's nutsack for at least two weeks. The heat makes me loathe every thing and every one. And yet I'm too exhausted to actually do or say anything about it. So I just sit around all day in a near-vegetative state, occasionally showing my faint disgust for people, places and things by rolling my eyes--like Terri Schiavo with a bad attitude.

I don't even try to look nice when I leave the house anymore, because I know that by the time I get wherever I'm going, I'll look like I just escaped a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. Weather like this is never good for your self-esteem. You're never going to look in the mirror and say "Yes! That's the look I was going for! I want to look like I just rubbed bacon all over my face! More sweat stains, please!"

Its even worse for me because I live with my girlfriend. So not only do I have to deal with my self-loathing, I have to navigate hers as well. We'll be on our way to some sort of party or get-together in this godforsaken heat, covered in sweaty filth, and she'll give me that "I look disgusting right now, don't I?" crap. There's never a suitable answer to a question like this--your choice is pretty much "Do I want to sound like an asshole or a liar?" I wish I could just be honest and say, "Well, sweetheart. Are you more beautiful at this moment that I've ever seen you before? Well, no. ...But I'd still fuck you. Sure I would! Yeah, I've slept with lots of women uglier than you look right now!" Something makes me think that wouldn't go over too well.

I desperately need a vacation. And it just so happens that Kambri and I are going away next week...to the Caribbean. Yep, that's my solution for beating the heat: head someplace even fucking hotter! But the heat in the Caribbean is different--you're on the beach, you're drinking rum punch, you're able to convince yourself that all of the resort workers don't secretly want you to die, etc. It's hot, but relaxing--like a sauna. Not like New York, where you spend the Summer months basting in urine vapors and body odor.

I'm actually taking Kambri on this little vacation for her birthday (it's June 22nd, people--we're registered here). We went to Anguilla last year and loved it, so I knew we wanted to go back to the Caribbean, but I wanted to pick someplace cool. The Caribbean is full of cheesy shit to be avoided at all costs--limbo contests, the Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot", etc. So I started to make a checklist of all the places I defintely didn't want to go: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda...basically, any place that's mentioned in the song "Kokomo" is to be avoided, I would think. we ended up settling on Turks and Caicos, an island I'd never heard of and know very little about. I was initially drawn to the name because it sounds kind of Dungeons & Dragons-y. Like maybe the place is inhabited by bugbears and/or a githyanki.

Have I revealed too much? Perhaps.

Christian will appear with Rachael Harris & Paul Scheer on the Today Show tomorrow at 7:40 AM.

Also, if you read today's NY Post, you'll see a spread about "indie" comedy which features some quotable quotes by Christian with his pic on the internet version. Unfortunately, they give the wrong credit for the photo, but I'm not too miffed by it because, hey, they included his pic in the first place!

REVENGE OF THE SITH & FLIcK MAGAZINE

With the premiere of Revenge of the Sith, came the launch of FLIcK Magazine with a column by none other than Christian Finnegan. Pick up your *free* copy at any Loews, Cinemark or Carmike Cinemas or avoid the geek scene altogether by downloading the whole darn thing here. Don't want to sift through the whole thing? Well, I'm all about choice, so here's another option: get only Christian's contribution by clicking here.

I'M SO 'TARD

There are so many things I could post right now, so many things I want to write about. And yet, all of my weak-hearted attempts at artistic excellence seem so pointless in the face of...this.

Click on rosie. You know you want to.

DARN TOOTIN'!

I recently saw a guy purchasing a copy of Playboy. In itself, not so extraordinary--Playboy has a large circulation, and that means that somebody somewhere is buying it. But it seems like if you're buying Playboy nowadays, you probably are reading it for the articles. Why else would you bother? Christ, now that we have the internet, the idea of buying a nudie magazine seems almost, I don't know...quaint. Old-timey, even. Like you'd walk a three miles down to the general store to buy some sasparilla, a container of Ol' Doc Haggerty's Purifying Hair Tonic and a copy of Hustler Magazine. And yet, I'm old enough to remember a day not so long ago when a lad's nudity choices were limited to scrambled Cinemax After Dark and said nudie magazines. It makes me feel old. It makes me worry that, one day, I'll be siiting down some young whippersnappers and saying something like:

"You know, back when I was twelve years old, we didn't have this whole worldwide interweb of yours. No, if we wanted to look at naked girlies, we had to go over to T.J. Ethier's house and sneak them out of his older brother's closet! You kids just give your mousies a clickety-clack, and you gots a whole treasure trove of naked boobies and behinds to slap your baloney to! But back in my day, you had to learn how to beat off with one hand and flip pages with the other! It was hard work--something you kids wouldn't know nothin' about! We didn't have no "MPEGs" and "Quicktime". The best we could do was when you'd flip the pages really fast, like it was one of them cartooony books! But that wat okay by us--we got along just fine. What you kids got goin', it just ain't special no more! These days, any Tom, Dick or Harry can have himself a live, one-on-one chat with a horny sorority slut in his area. In my day, we had to read about other people doin' it. It was a little something called "Penthouse Forum"--something you wouldn't know about, since kids these days don't like to read!"

This really is the kind of sparkling insight that makes me one of comedy's brightest minds.

YES, I'M NOW THAT ASSHOLE

A couple of weeks ago, my palm pilot shit the bed on me. So in order to prove to the world that I am an extravagant douchebag, I purchased the Treo 650, which is a Blackberry kind of thingy. Now I can look important by obsessively checking my Email in all sorts of awkward, hassle-inducing situations. God forbid I go twenty minutes without knowing that one of my friends has sent me a picture of his baby son wearing a Burger King crown. Anyone need a stock quote? Anyone?

I really have no idea what this damn gadget is capable of--no shit, the user's manual is 349 pages long. How am I supposed to get the most out of my impulse purchase and stick to my strict no-reading regimen at the same time? Well, I've broken down and started to plow through this ridiculous tome, and it's pretty amazing, all of the things my new phone/calendar/web browser/dick compensator can do. For instance, I can take up to twelve minutes of goddamn, bonafide motion picture footage on this thing. Eventually, I'll figure out how to post these mini-movies on this site, and then you'll get the pleasure of watching my girlfriend making a drunken 311 call to complain about some guy who was driving a Hummer and talking on his cell phone. Here's a teaser quote: "What do you mean he's not being reckless? He's driving a Hummer? Do you know how much fuel a Hummer uses...? He's endangering the lives of everybody!" Slur every third word and throw in a few hiccups and you're halfway there.

I also shot some footage just last night of Unchained, the "Mighty Van Halen Tribute", who were performing live at my favorite shitty bar here in Astoria. You may be saying to yourself, "Wow, you really got lucky, going to a bar where there just happened to be a cheesy cover band playing! How gloriously kitschy and ironic!" Truth is, this is the third (yes, third) time Kambri and I have gone to see Unchained (It should be noted that this was the first time the band actually played. The first time the show was cancelled because the bass player broke his ribs and the second time there wasn't enough of an audience, so they bailed.), and there was absolutely no ironic distance involved. These guys totally rocked, in a way that only four dudes from Jersey ripping through "Ain't talkin' 'Bout Love" can. Pseudo Eddie Van Halen totally knew his shit and Pseudo David Lee Roth was spot on--the voice was perfect, he did all the wonderfully silly kick moves and he had that weird David Lee Roth yelp/shriek thing down pat. The audio on the footage I have is pretty unintelligible, but it's still pretty sweet. Sadly, I accidently deleted the crown jewel of my digital collection: a bit of between-song banter, where Pseudo David Lee Roth exhorts the crowd to take advantage of the bar's drink specials.

...Okay, maybe there was a little bit of ironic distance involved.

Point is, aren't you jealous of my stupid new phone?

BEST WEEK EVER LIVE

Hey there, peoples.

As probably anyone who didn't mistakenly find my website whilst Googling "christian+fingering" knows, I appear regularly on the VH1 show "Best Week Ever". This is the television show where, every week, gifted and brilliant people not unlike myself find new and exciting ways of calling Britney Spears a whore. You may have watched this show and thought to yourself, "I wonder how funny these idiots would be without all the fancy graphics and strategic editing..." Well, now's your chance to find out!

Tomorrow night (Thursday, April 27th), the first evert two performances of "Best Wek Ever Live" will take place at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, right here in New York City. The show will feature Paul Sheer, Jessi Klein, Sherrod Small and myself (you can read all about us here) and I think it's going to be a really great show. There will be stand-up, clips from the show, topical musings and all sorts of other wacky shit. The idea is for us to put this show together and then bring it on the road. So if you can't get to NYC tomorrow night, fear not--hopefully, we'll be bringing it to a club/college/homeless shelter near you sometime soon.

If you ARE in New York, it would be really great if you could come out to see the show. We won't really know what he have until we put it up in front of an audience, so we're hoping for as big a crowd as possible at both of the show. The 8:00pm show is already sold out (I just now found that out), but there are still tickets avaialble for 10:00pm.

You can get all of the pertinent info about this show at the UCB website. But just in case you're link-shy, here it is in plain print:

BEST WEEK EVER LIVE
Thursday, April 27
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th St (just West of 8th avenue)
New York NY 10011
10:00pm
Tickets: $8.00
Reservations: 212.366.9176

That is all.

MORE OF AMERICA'S LEAST POPULAR CITIES

Transgender Bluffs, OK

Melanoma, NM

Unpaid Child Support Falls, OH

Bloody Stool, AK

Tuberculonia, KY

Bagels-in-Conference-Room, NY

Dicksweat, ND

Himmler City, UT

Weaponized Virusville, FL

Bad Touch, IN

Asian Babies For Sale, IL

Kutztown, PA (where Adam Ace happens to be performing tonight. By the way, that dude is going seriously bald. Makes me kind of feel bad for ragging on him. And yet...)

This show promises to be a good one.

Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St
8:00
$5 + 2 Drinks
For Reservations call 212-614-2500

HOSTED BY: Craig Baldo (Premium Blend, Late Friday) and featuring your very own Christian Finnegan.

Also with:
* Claudia Cogan (UCB, the PIT)
* Anthony DeVito (VH1's "All Access: Celebrity Showdown 2")
* Todd Levin (How to Kick People)
* Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Best Week Ever)

And more!

YOU LUCKY, LUCKY FOOLS

Move over, Staten Island dude. Now there's something smarmier!

Check THIS shit out.

Thanks to Victor for the link.

There are so many ridiculous things about this wonderful piece of video, I honestly wouldn;t knbow where to begin. But one thing I adore is the bizarre way he sings "A-MER-UH-CA". Also, remember the days when having long hair meant you were going against the establishment? (sigh) Those were the days...

IT LIVES!

Okay, so much to discuss. I'm just going to plow through a whole bunch of shit.

* Yesterday was my birthday. Yes, I know--I was born on April Fools Day. No lame-ass jokes, please. So how did I spend my special day? On a train to Saratoga Springs, NY where I made an atempt to entertain the young men and women of Skidmore College with fellow comedian Kyle Grooms. The audience was great, and Kyle was very funny. As for me, I felt a bit off my game. I'm not sure if the audience could tell, but I felt a bit distracted. Maybe it's because I couldn't help but count all of the puka shell necklaces and sailor bracelets in the audience. Seriously, college students, what's the fucking deal with that retarded neo-Ocean Pacific shit? Retro is fine, but not every fucking fashion era needs to be resurrected. Maybe they're supposed to be "ironic" now, but I felt like I was looking out into a sea of everyone who I hated from high school. Who knew James Spader's "Pretty in Pink" character would the model for the 21st Century college hipster? Still, the show was fun and the students activities people were nice enough to get me a birthday cake, which was genuinely thoughtful.

So tonight Kambri and I are going out for a post-birthday birthday dinner, and then it's on to meet some friends--not a party, just communal drinking. But then, is there really a difference anymore? Once you pass the age of thirty, what IS a birthday party, other than simply a designated night of drinking. You know, I was about to write a long spiel on this topic, but then a feeling of deja vu swept over me and I realized that I already did write about this last year. So, um...enjoy that.

* I was in Miami last week, where I spent the week slathered in SPF 70. No, I'm not exagerrating. I am a pasty, mayonnaise-tinted man and I'm never again going to make the same mistake I made in Anguilla, also known as the 'White Seal' incident (see June 14, 2004). But wait, it gets even dorkier: I reached a new plateau of pathos last week, as I actually brough my Playstation with me on the trip. Yes, I spent four days in Miami, perhaps the most notorious "party" city in the United States, fighting digital monsters. Because that's how I roll, dawg.

* As Kambri mentioned, we did this weird thing on Staten Island public access TV a couple of weeks ago. These guys were attempting to break the Guinness Book talk show record for continuous hours on the air and, as far as I know, they succeeded. Of course, to do that, that means lots of very strange guests. I don't really have the energy to describe them all, so I'll just focus on this dude:



I know what you're thinking: Holy shit, that guy rules. Well dear friends, let me assure you: you have no fucking idea. Before we move on, let's get one more view of my man, this time from the back:



SWEET!

I simply can't explain how awesome this dude was. He sang an orginal song, which he dedicated to his mentor, Joe Franklin (who you can see visibly squirming in the background of that first photo). This gist of the song was that, no matter how famous he got and how much his music moved people (the song actually included lines like "After the roar of the crowd, after the spotlight fades..."), he would never forget the one who has was always there for him. Presumably, this is meant to be a woman, but he sang the song entirely to Joe (with his back squarely to the camera half the time, as seen in photo #2), reaching out to him as if he might at any minute he might give Joe's cheek a soft caress. It gave giving the whole thing a fascinating and tender prison rape vibe. There were also a lot of wonderful closed eyes/clenched fist moments, where you could almost see the guy saying to himself, "I am blowing these people's minds--hell, I'm blowing my own mind..."

My favorite moment was probably when he got to that "After the roar of the crowd..." line. In the musical vamp between verses, he told the audience that he was going to require our participation. Now I should mention that, in order to break the world's record, a small studio audeince was required at all times. In this case, the "audience" conisted of a few surly Staten Island firemen and some doughy middle aged folks who I assume were relatives of the guys producing on the show (very nice and industrious fellows, by the way). They appeared to have been there for hours and were a subdued group, to say the least. So when the magnificent singer dude got to his line, "After the roar of the crowd", he gestured to the audience with a majestic sweep of his hand. At this point, the 12-15 people in the room forced out a half-assed cheer/moan that sounded not unlike a group of zombies being shown a third grade magic trick. Ah, the roar of the crowd indeed...

That's it for now. Time to shower for my birthday dinner. I know Kambri and I aren't technically married, but I think tonight might be the night I get to Third Base! DOWN THE PANTS, BABY!

Christian had an unexpected trip to Florida and will be appearing at the various Improvs in W. Palm Beach, Ft. Lauderdale and Miami through the 26th. Buy tickets for the Miami Improv shows here.

While he soaks up some much needed sun (see post below for evidential photo), I am battling snow and freezing rain to bring you the following press updates:

-- My hometown paper, The Houston Chronicle, ran this interview today by Lana Berkowitz.

-- The Jeff Foxworthy Roast aired and Comedy Central has published clips of Christian interviewing the comics backstage before the show and at the after party. Here are the links:

Jeff Foxworthy Roast Interview with Jeff Foxworthy Video Clip

Jeff Foxworthy Roast Interview with Northern Comics Video Clip

Jeff Foxworthy RoastInterview with Southern Comics Video Clip

-- Christian and I both appeared on MoranoVision hosted by Frank Morano during his attempt to claim the Guinness World Record for longest televised talk show. (Current record is 29 hours, I think. MoranoVision taped for 33.) Other guests included Joe Franklin, Curtis Sliwa, Bernard Goetz and countless others. Read about it in Page Six. I'll let Christian tell you the surreal / funny parts if he ever gets around to writing again.

THE NIGHT TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME

So folks, this is a very special day in Finnegan-land. Comedy Central is airing my episode of Comedy Central presents tonight (Friday, March 11th) at 10pm. Yes, that's right--one full half hour of me doing my glorified dick jokes on your televsion screen. Don't believe me/ Check out the Time Warner Cable program guide:



Dear Christ, am I white...

Anyway, I know most people don't sit in on a Friday night to watch stand-up comedy on TV, but it's still far more meanginful to me than anything else I've done. So much so that I'm having a hard time being snarky about it. It's a genuine milestone in my little universe, and it goes a way toward making up for all of the drunken hecklers, the ego battles, the latenight subway debacles, the shows cancelled due to lack of audience, the threatening calls from collection agencies and the other, thrice weekly humiliations associated with being in this "business".

Interestingly, I started doing stand up exactly eight years ago this week. I'm not sure what I would have thought if someone told me I'd one day have a half hour on Comedy Central. Being a naive twat, I probably would have said, "Eight fucking years?! For one lousy half hour? Screw that." And then I would have settled into my publishing job and been eternally miserable for it. Thank god I'm no Nostradamus.

Anyway, check out the show tonight, if you can. If not, no worries--Comedy Central tends to air those over and over again. As a teaser, you can enjoy this little clip and interview from the Comedy Central website.

My next post will be funny. So let it be posted, so let it be done.

PAINFULLY SOBER

Greetings, friends. I'm currently in a hotel room in the DC area, back from performing at the glorious George Mason University. A strange gig, to say the least. The show took place in a massive food court kind of area, in a building that also housed the library (some students watched from the various floors above. The lights were neon and the ceiling was about a hundred feet high--it felt like performing in Superman's ice palace. Even better, situated next to the stage was a massive arts and crafts table. Yep, nothing makes a comedian feel professional like looking stage left and seeing thirty people playing with clay and construction paper. Definitely the proper setting for my glorified dick jokes. Don't get me wrong, the school was great and the kids seemed to really enjoy the show (except one woman who sat in the front row and sternly shook her head whenever I said anything that might be interpreted as 'off-color'). But a tad surreal, to say the least.

So I get back to the hotel a couple of minutes after midnight and I swing by the bar, hoping to grab a beer or three. The bar is just about to close up, which is not too surprising for a hotel bar. But that was fine, as I'd only planned to bring them up to my room anyway. But then he told me that it is against the law for a hotel to let you bring a beer from the bar up to you room? What the fucking fuck? How the hell am I supposed to develop a legitimate alcohol problem if these namby-pamby states won't allow me to get drunk while sitting on an uncomfortable king-sized bed, watching "In the Line of Fire" on the Superstation?

You know, hotels often host business conventions. I only mention that as an excuse to include a link to this. Enjoy.

I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN

So it appears that Kambri and I are reasonably situated in our new apartment, at long last. Over the past few days, I've been extremely manly. Holes have been drilled, various things pounded with a hammer and earlier today I actually acquired a slight tinge of body odor. This is a big deal for me, you see. Due to my fair Irish coloring and overall lack of body hair (my underarms look like Prince's upper lip), I hardly ever get that pungent pastrami-and-burnt-onions scent commonly known as "B.O.". Generally speaking, this is a good thing. But every once in a while it's nice to get a whiff of my pits and feel reassured that I'm not some neutered, overweight Powder.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I think I'm slowly but surely climbing out of my creative fox hole and I think I'll start posting on this site more often. Yes, I know--I say that all the time. And it's quite possible I'm totally full of shit. Only time will tell. I think the secret is learning how to keep these things short. Often times, I'll let a week (or three) go in between posts and I'll feel like I have to account for everything that has gone on in the meantime. Well, not anymore. No, for the forseeable future, all postings will be "fun size".

But as an added bonus for checking in today, here's a special message I've composed just for you.

Christian will return some day soon. Meanwhile, enjoy this interview with him posted on CollegHumor.com.

Also note some new tour dates have been added to his Calendar.

Where, o Where has Christian Gone?

He's been busy, okay!

He has been working. He has been writing. Just not for this site. What, you ask, has kept him away from you?

Besides performing all over this great nation of ours, he wrote a guidebook for men for 1-800-Flowers. Here is an excerpt of the Thoughtless Male Survival Guide from Jest Magazine.

Or get the whole darn thing here and here.

Are you a Frog or a Prince? Take the quiz, here.

Meanwhile, why not just see Christian perform live? Check his calendar for dates. Don't live near any venue? Then watch Comedy Central on March 11th for his very own 1/2 hour special premiering at 10:00 PM EST.

TO AIR IS HUMOROUS

I'm currently sitting at scenic Gate C6 of the Northwest Airlines terminal at Detroit/Wayne County airport, alternately known as "hell", "purgatory" or most commonly, "fuck this place". I have been sitting here for three and a half hours, waiting to board a prop plane that will take me to a small airport in Moline, MI, at which point a young man will pick me up to drive me 45 minutes to Knox College, where I will be performing what better be a fun show, else I might be forced to take lives.

I won't go into why I've been stranded here, as I've learned that travel horror stories are interesting no one, and should be endured only by family members and significant others (sorry, Kambri!). Suffice to say, fuck Northwest Airlines. Also, no matter how eloquently or hilariously I might describe how miserable my day has been, when it gets right down to it, I'm still a comedian making airplane jokes. Nay.

It's no mystery to me why jokes about airplane food and the airline industry in general have become the universally recognized sign of hack stand up comedy. If you're doing comedy as a "career", chances are you spend more time flying than, say, an algebra teacher or a Starbucks barista. And it's always stressful, even when it's not, and those are the kinds of situations that eventually strike one as funny. Just about every time I travel by plane, something happens to make me think "Hey, this would make a funny stand up bit". Eventually, though, I see the error of my ways before I take my hilarious new "What's up with those tray tables?" material to the stage. Trust me, you don't want to hear it.

I will say that I consider all of my nascent airplane material as a sign that I am, ever so slightly, moving up in the world. Why, I remember the days when I'd only come up with public bus and subway material. After a few years, I moved up to Amtrak jokes, and now finally, planes. Someday, I hope to have 20 solid minutes of material about travelling by private helicopter, a la "Man, don't you hate it when you're going out on a hot date and your hair gets all messed up from the gusts of wind generated by your private helicopter? When are they going to make a styling gel that can deal with that, am I right? 'Extra Hold', my ass!" You know, everyday observational stuff like that.

CUT TO:

Okay, it's the next day. Thursday, to be exact. I couldn't get onto the internet from my hotel room last night, so I had to wait to come back to the airport to finish this groundbreaking post. Luckily, I knew I'd have some extra time here at the Moline airport becasue...you guessed it, I'm waiting through another flight delay. Did I mention "Fuck Northwest"? Yeah. Okay. Onwards and upwards.

The show last night was fun, and the students of Knox college seeme to be a fine young bunch of men and women. But this has definitely been one of those Murphy's Law kinds of trips (and by that I mean that this entire trip has reminded me of a defunct punk rock band). Since I've spent this entire post basically bitching and moaning, I'd like to toss out another heart "F You" to the staff of the Galesburg Ramada Inn, who are among the stupider people on the planet. I'm okay dealing with idiots every now and then, because for the most part stupid people are quite friendly. But the folks at the Ramada displayed a stunning mix jaded apathy and Down Syndrome, two traits that aren't usually found together. When I checked in, I asked them if they had a highspeed internet connection and it was as if I were trying to discuss German philosophy with a bucket of poo. Actually, that would actually make sense on some metaphorical level, but you get my point. Okay, it looks like my plane to Detroit is about to board, so I'll just go ahead and post this. But I've already missed my connecting flight, so I'll probably have time to write about my experience sitting around a country-western karaoke bar after the show last night. Lucky you.

BELTWAY INSIDER

Howdy, peoples. I'm writing to you from glorious Washington DC, where people venture from all corners of the world, primarily to go see Fonzi's jacket at the Smithsonian. I am here all week, performing at the DC Improv, which has been pretty damn sweet so far (I've done two of seven shows so far). Among stand up comics, the DC Improv has a reputation as one of the best clubs in the country, and I'm happy to say that it has not disappointed. The crowds have been substantial (for weeknight shows, at least) and better yet, enthusiastic. Most everyone seems to be in the 20-40 age range, and the crowds have seemed unusually bright--yet not so bright that they refuse to laugh at my glorified boobies-and-poo material (thank god).

It's interesting--earlier tonight, I heard someone refer to Washington DC as "Hollywood for ugly people". And while the people here don't seem notably hideous, the assessment does make some sense. This city seems to be full of wide-eyed young people who've moved here from some small town, dreaming of the bright lights of CSPAN. It's not like these kids are hoping to become senators, necessarily. They just want to be part of the glitzy machine that is Washington DC--the lawfirms, the media, the non-profits, etc. Yesterday, I was making use of the WiFi connection at the Borders Books cafe and I silently observed two relatively dorky twentysomethings chatting each other up. In a way, it was your typical boy-hits-on-girl situation. The difference was, these two kids were trading anecdotes about doing volunteer work around the world, subtly trying to one-up each other. And it wasn't "Wow, you were in the Peace Corps?!!", it was more like "Of course you were in the Peace Corps. Who wasn't? But how many tours did you do?" I don't know if the dude ever got the girl's number (or more likely, her Gmail address), but as I was packing up, he did drop perhaps the best "socially conscious guy" pick-up line I've ever heard: "Well, in the village where I was staying, there were fourteen different species of monkeys, so that was nice." Come on ladies, that's got to be worth a handjob, right?

Well, that almost all for now. I'm going to be posting something again tomorrow (no, seriously), if that means anything to you. I've been doing some morning radio here in DC to promote the comedy shows (it's kind of part of the gig), so I'll probably write something about that. And in the meantime, check out this bizarro interview thingy I did for Scene Missing Magazine. A couple of my answers were lifted from this very webpage, but the rest of it is brand new and at least a tiny bit checkle-worthy.

Oh and I probably don't need to say this, but if you live in the DC area, by all means come on out to a show. You can find showtimes on the DC Improv website.

See Christian *Live* Tonight!

Wow, Christian has posted so little on Tower of Hubris that I have two entries on one page. He is still alive, however, and you can see for yourself tonight at this month's installment of Sob Stories. The details are below. If you are still in need of a Christian FiXegan, check out his New Year's resolutions published on collegehumor.com. (Scroll down a bit to see Christian's contribution.)

Sob Stories Plug
When the booze beckons or the Nicorette wears off, you're in for another year of low-self esteem. Join us for stories from comics who set themselves up to fail over and over again.

The Marquee
356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St)
8:00 PM
$5.00 - NO drink minimum!

Christian Finnegan ("Chappelle's Show", "Best Week Ever!") hosts guests Matt Higgins ("Centralia", "Second City"), Liam McEneaney ("Premium Blend"), Marta Ravin ("Premium Blend"), John Hodgman ("Little Gray Books" reading series) and more!